Monthly Archives: November 2007

Reason # 4279 – I’ll Follow The Sum

Breaking News:

Starbucks will soon be releasing the John Lennon iTunes video album. Thats right, you can now buy a crappy video with your crappucino! Soon you’ll be able to plop down a measly $25 for a sure-to-be-collectible John Lennon iTunes card that will allow you to download all of John Lennon’s previously released videos.

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Finally, you can leave your homes and know at the press of a button, you’ll be able to watch the bespectacled one anytime you need a fix. Whew, what a relief. The company hopes this will also cut down on the cost of dairy as well, because beatleheads will cream in their pants the second they see it.

The release comes hot on the heels of the last FF latte releases, Memory Almost Full, and the only available at Starbucks CD compilation, John Lennon – Remember. Apparently the latter didn’t sell very well due to the title, people read it and remembered they already had seventeen other Lennon Collections. It was still quite popular among the brain-dead, as well as new fans who had never heard of the man (it happened once at a Starbucks in Tristan da Cunha).

This new avenue of revenue is a dream come true for the machine that put the bucks in star. Hit the public when they aren’t awake but still have their wallets open.

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Reason # 789 – While My Guitar Hero Gently Weeps

Have you ever wondered why beatlemart hasn’t jumped on the Guitar Hero bandwagon yet? Pretty strange considering it involves money going directly into their pockets. Its not as if they haven’t been asked either, the masses are practically down on their hands and knees begging for a song to play along with. Yet for some reason, they keep turning down this easy money…something strange is afoot, and we have the answer.

The powers that be realize that the shrine to George Harrison is built on a very flimsy foundation, the illusion that he was a great guitarist. He may very well have been the best guitarist in the beatles, but his reign as master ends there. We’ll agree he was a capable guitar player, but lets face it: most of his parts were simply paint-by-number embellishments. The beatlemachine knows this, and they want it kept secret. How many books of guitar tablature do you think they’d sell if a three year old laughed at how easy the songs are to play? Besides, the three year olds will most likely despise this music after being forced to listen beatle lullabys.

If you’re having trouble wrapping your head around this, here is a simple test that you can do yourself.

    The Guitar Hero Challenge:

1. Choose any FF song with what you consider great guitar work. Better yet, pick three or even five of your favorites.

2. Select a song at random from the list below, this is the songlist for Guitar Hero I. (Guitar Hero II will also work)

3. Compare the two songs, and judge them on the merits of the guitar playing alone. Take into consideration technical ability, speed, originality, melody, technique, or even bitchin’ tone.

Motorhead – “Ace of Spades”
Ozzie Osbourne – “Bark at the Moon”
Audioslave – “Cochise”
Pantera – “Cowboys From Hell”
Cream – “Crossroads”
Sum 41 – “Fat Lip”
Edgar Winter Group – “Frankenstein”
Blue Oyster Cult – “Godzilla”
Burning Brides – “Heart Full of Black”
The Exies – “Hey You”
Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Higher Ground”
Joann Jett – “I Love Rock and Roll”
The Ramones – “I Wanna Be Sedated”
Bad Religion – “Infected”
Black Sabbath – “Iron Man”
Queen – “Killer Queen”
Boston – “More Than A Feeling”
Queens of the Stone Age – “No One Knows”
ZZ Top – “Sharp Dressed Man”
Deep Purple – “Smoke on the Water”
Jimi Hendrix – “Spanish Castle Magic”
Incubus – “Stellar”
Megadeth – “Symphony of Destruction”
The Donnas – “Take It Off”
Franz Ferdinand – “Take Me Out”
Stevie Ray Vaughn – “Texas Flood”
White Zombie – “Thunderkiss 65”
Helmet – “Unsung”
Judas Priest – “You Got Another Thing Comin”
David Bowie – “Ziggy Stardust”

After reading through this list, can you think of even one song from their entire catalogue to put to the test?
We rest our case.

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Reason # 513 – The Long and Winding Breau

On April 2, 1968, a young guitarist was invited to sit down and record his first major label solo album in Nashville. This was no ordinary guitarist, this young man began to learn the instrument as soon as he was old enough to hold it, started touring with his fathers country band before age 12, recorded an album of Chet Atkins and Merle Travis songs at age 14. When he was 16 he was invited on stage by Merle Travis himself, who after being upstaged was so impressed by the kid’s musicianship took off his hat and remarked to the crowd, ‘Well folks, tonight there’s a better guitarist in the house than me.’ He went on to master flamenco, jazz and create his own complex and unique style, unequaled to this day.

Occasionally we get overwhelmed by the sheer volume of FF saturation in the world today. When this happens we like to grab an album as far from the banality of mainstream reality as we can get. Luckily, with our music collection it isn’t hard. Straddling the gamut from great lyricists, songwriters, and brilliant musicians to the most hideous outsider crap we’ve been able to acquire, there’s always something worth listening to.

This session was organized by none other than the legendary Chet Atkins, Mister Guitar himself. Upon hearing a tape of this aspiring, unknown player, Chet proclaimed Lenny Breau to be, ‘The Greatest guitarist ever to walk the face of the earth.’ Thats no small praise. For the sessions Chet brought in a successful co-producer named Danny Davis whose previous work helped polish country artists and bring them to a more mainstream, pop audience. Davis made it his goal to commercialize the album in order to get disc jockeys more interested in playing it. As much as he tried to dumb down the music so the beatle-brained public wouldn’t have a seizure upon hearing an original idea, Lenny was not to be tampered with. His mind and playing too free to be confined to the rigid structures of conventional pop.

There’s a lot more truth in a horrible singer playing an out of tune guitar while croaking out inscrutable lyrics than there is in a corporate reach-around. Hell, at least its interesting. Think about whats easier to relate to, four millionaires solving crimes in a Yellow Submarine while singing about love, an acid casualty singing about becoming a vegetable, or Congresswoman Matilda Parker singing about mosquitoes and the dangers of malaria?

Although Lenny disliked rock music and held great disdain for the entire genre, at Davis’s insistence, and not wanting to disappoint his idol and mentor Atkins, he was persuaded to record some popular tunes during the two recording sessions, alongside of his original idea of laying down several originals, and his jazz, country, bebop, flamenco and classical takes on some jazz and country standards.
Several months later when the album was finally released Lenny was shocked to find that so many of the tunes were left off in favour of the more commercial, radio friendly numbers like King of the Road, Monday Monday, and inexplicably, A Hard Days Night. Even so, the flashes of brilliance overshadowed their inclusion.

It was during one of these moments that I grabbed ‘Guitar Sounds’ from the collection and popped it on. As the inspired playing started to slowly melt away the revolting memory of being subjected, against my will and beyond my control, to hearing almost the full Abbey Road album. My stomach began to unclench, my hands began to stop trembling. I was going to make it. Until suddenly…

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The album received great critical acclaim, but not even the inclusion of an FF tune could breach the barriers of bad taste built by the beatlemania brigade, and sales were minimal. Nobody cared. A few months later Atkins arranged for another recording, this time in Lenny’s comfort zone; a club in front of an audience of his peers. The choice of material was completely his choice. The result, The Velvet Touch of Lenny Breau…Live!, has been called one of the most important jazz guitar albums ever recorded.

Lenny Breau led a short and tragic life, and although he released many incredible and unprecedented albums, he died penniless and virtually unknown, like most great artists. Conversely, Hootie and the Blowfish and REO Speedwagon both had huge hits covering the beatles. Lenny’s albums are mostly out of print now, while Magical Mystery Tour is still gets pumped out like a clogged toilet.

Anyway, I can’t leave you with that horrid song as the last thing ringing in your head, here’s Lenny playing The Claw by Jerry Reed, from …Live!

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This is a clip from the documentary ‘The Genius of Lenny Breau.’ It was filmed during the recording of his first album.

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Reason # 395 – Lullaby of Beatleland

Just when you think you’ve got the answers, I change the questions..
– Rowdy Roddy Piper.

A fitting quote. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, here comes beatle Lullabys. I’m not sure who the intended audience is for this one, my guess its one of two people:

A) The fan who never gets bored of listening to Revolver and ends up staying awake all night basking in beatle blather, working themselves into such a frenzy at the sound of forty year old pop songs that they’re constantly late for work, showing up in their moptop wigs and drooling in a semi-catatonic, FF induced state of delirium. In other words, the average fan in need of a sleep aid.

B) Infants who can’t defend themselves.

I’m hoping the correct answer is A, if not there’s a new form of child abuse on the market just as dangerous as the epidemic of fat diabetic kids in America. This is no different than conditioning children to think that its a good idea to strap bombs to themselves or training them to become child soldiers. Maybe not quite as extreme, but its exactly the same method used.

Conditioning these young minds from infancy that this is not only music, but good music, is basically taking away any freedom of thought these poor kids are entitled to as human beings, programming them to believe that the only option in life is to stand in line with all the other open mouthed gawkers at the trough of the beatles, waiting for the honour of buying the next re-release. This is Burgess’s Ludovico Technique, this is Orwell’s Newspeak, its unspeakable and disgusting abuse of trust and power. I’d rather have my toddler not only breathe second-hand smoke, but smoke two packs a day!

Anyway, we’re always good for an example:

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Reason #302- Cirque du So Lame

Viva Las Vegas! Step aside Celine Dion, there’s a new freakshow in town.
Cirque Du Soleil, the acrobatic dancing troupe who’ve conquered the world with their unique blend of breathtaking aerial performances, lavish costumes and live music have decided to take it to a new level. Thats right, the $600 million they grossed last year from their shows, combined with the development of TV specials, womens clothing lines, spas and restaurants, just ain’t cutting it.

When you’re a huge entertainment empire and you need some fast cash, just utter the magic word and before you can wiggle your tinsel glittered tootsies the beatlemachine will be there to assist you, for a small fee of course.
The new show is themed around George Martin’s latest offering of refried beatle droppings created specifically for this end, LOVE.

Drawn from the poetry of the lyrics, the show explores the content of the songs as interpreted by innovative performances from a cast of 60 international artists. It must have been a big job trying to explore the deeper meaning behind songs like, I Wanna Hold Your Hand and Octopus’s Garden.

The reviews for this spectacle have been mixed, it seems to depend on either how brainwashed your are, or what your tolerance for pain is. Most of the positive reviews seem to start like this, ‘First, I need to make it clear that I’m a Beatles fan.’ NO, REALLY? The rest of the reviews all use words like, Awful, Terrible, Extremely Disappointed, Didn’t Love, Save your money, Wost show in Vegas, and my personal favorite, As Uninspiring as A Ringo Song.

Remember when kids used to want to run away and join the circus? This ought to cure them of the urge.
I hope this what they meant by what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Morbid curiosity must be eating away at you right now, so here is a sample. Just please be careful and have your mouse hovering over the stop button, we can’t be held responsible for what happens once you decide to watch.

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Reason #481 – My Beatle Gets Me Blues

A lot has been said about the originality of the ‘greatest band of all time.’ The influence of their inventions has been felt far and wide, exalted and referenced as groundbreaking and unequaled to this day.

Lets take a look at some of this groundbreaking work, and maybe try put it into perspective.

They were heralded as one of the most original bands ever when they released the song Twist and Shout in 1964. I’m not quite sure just what is so original about recording a cover of an Isley Brothers song. The way they performed it, with all of them singing ‘Whooo!’ at the same time?

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that aside from Brian Epstein inventing a way to shape them into something marketable, the beats pretty much played variations on the same couple of songs and covers until Rubber Soul in ’66, their first original album. Aside from some new instrumentation (George Martin) and their constant use of marijuana, what exactly was so original? It was a bunch of pretty rock songs. The same goes with the groundbreaking Revolver.

This brings us to their piece de resistance, Sgt Pepper. They spent over six months in the studio recording and mixing it, released it in ’67. There was a lot of groundbreaking equipment and technical tricks used in the studio. A lot of elaborate instrumentations and sound effects were used. Some tunes were longer than the average pop song. In the end, they had an interesting collage of songs and sounds based lyrically on drugs, leaky roofs, articles in the newspaper, circus posters, meter maids, corn flake commercials and one about spirituality. Musically they took influences from 30’s music, skiffle, rock and carnivals. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that seems more like using whats at your disposal than inventing anything. They achieved massive commercial and critical success. Whats new?

Lets take a look at something else that was happening at roughly the same time. Don Van Vliet, an up and coming R&B singer, changed his persona to Captain Beefheart and started a group named The Magic Band in ’65. They became quite popular and put out a few early singles covering blues songs to great local success. He began to form his own ideas about what music was and what it should say, and recruiting Ry Cooder on guitar they went in the studio to begin work on their first album, Safe as Milk. This was a bold, delta blues inspired work of poetry and intensity. Shortly afterwards, they were dropped from their label after the song Electricity was considered too negative. Although it didn’t reach commercial success, this album was hailed internationally, finding many fans and supporters.

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Although Lennon was hugely impressed with Safe as Milk (note the posters behind him), it appears Beefheart wasn’t quite as taken with him.

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Vliet then decided to take the band somewhere new. Holed up in his isolated home drawing on free jazz, sea shanties and blues, he sat down and began to compose on the piano, an instrument he couldn’t play, in order to avoid falling into the traps of convention and theory. He wanted to hear what was in his head, and what was in his head couldn’t conform to anything he’d heard. He ruled his band with an iron fist, demanding 14 hour practice sessions, forcing them to learn impossible chords and timings and live in virtual poverty until the album was complete. At one point he locked guitarist Zoot Horn Rollo in a shed after he was suspected of listening to a beatle song. There was to be no outside influences. He spit fire, bled poetry, lived music and the band honed its teeth for 8 months.

While Howlin’ Wolf was in England trying to wean British blues masters away from their obsession with even bar-counts, Vliet was creating his own musical language and universe. What he came out with polarized the music world, shocking people with its stunning originality and its musical ties to nothing. Its lyrics spoke of the environment, genocide, immigrants, Vietnam Vets, and poverty, among other things. The double album Trout Mask Replica was recorded in Van Vliet’s home over a period of one weekend, as opposed to the five months it took the FF to record their double album, The White Album.

Perhaps an extreme example, but this is originality as an uncompromising force to be reckoned with. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to listen to it, just turn on your radio and you’ll be safe from the threat of ever hearing it, but you do have to acknowledge it. Wanna tell me what the FF did that was so groundbreaking again?

Don Van Vliet, retained that original spark until he retired from the music biz in 1982 after MTV rejected Ice Cream for Crow as being too weird. Also in 1982, the remaining FF continued recording generic safeness; Ringo released Stop and smell the Roses, McCartney was singing duets with Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder, and George Harrison released Gone Troppo (I had to look it up too).

I’d never just want to do what everybody else did. I’d be contributing to the sameness of everything.

-Don Van Vliet

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band performing Sure ‘Nuff ‘N Yes I Do from Safe as Milk, live from Cannes in ’68.

In Comparison:

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Reason #254 – The Letter ‘B’

Gary Hall (more on this brilliant mind later, please be patient) devised an incredibly simple, yet very effective method for dealing with beatle fans; The Nursery Rhyme Test. In a nutshell, this is intended to quickly place any FF song in context. Ask the obsessed one to play any beatle song at their disposal, and the moment the song finished, sing a line from ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep.’ Have them play another number, then sing a line from ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’ Continue until it dawns on the fan that the beatles were not only lyrically inferior, but also melodically inferior, to the standard nursery rhyme.

I’d like to take the Nursery Rhyme analogy one step further.

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Reason # 4297 – Rare Lennon Recording saves Christmas!

Breaking news! The fine folks at Saachi and Saachi have done it again, and just in time for Christmas!

Not content to sit back and bask in the glory of their world-renown diaper commercial The beatles are full of Crap, this brilliant ad company has figured out a way to cash in on a dead man and his love for his wife.

Thats right, straight from the hands of the loved one in question, an unreleased private demo of John’s recording of ‘Real Love’ has suddenly found new meaning.

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Reason # 802 – John Lennon’s Tits

According to the bespectacled prophet of love, the song ‘Girl’ from Rubber Soul was written at a time when he opposed christianity and this song was intended to attack catholic values using a thinly disguised combination of lust and disgust.

I’ve been pouring over this masterpiece and have been having a bit of trouble making the connection. The best I can come up with is that he was trying to attack catholics by forcing them to listen to one of the worst guitar breaks in history. I suppose the two guitars used in this section might represent good, and the playing might represent bad, thus thrusting a satanic world view onto unsuspecting youth, instigating and propelling chaos and disorder…but I think thats giving it a little too much credit.

The reason for mentioning this song is a little more sinister. Prior to McCartney’s Hey Jude debacle, this was another irresponsibly disastrous moment in widespread media manipulation. It was with this song the the FF single-handedly breastified the world.

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Reason # 709 – Elvis -vs- The beatles

I’d like to talk a little bit about EWS, or Elvis Worship Syndrome.

You must know the condition. Every family either has or knows somebody who suffers from this malady; yet its treated lightly, ignored, or laughed about behind closed doors. The signs are obvious, but once this fixation takes hold nothing can be done to stop it. Think about that crazy uncle with the big sideburns who proudly displays a giant airbrushed Elvis tapestry in his living room. He has Elvis busts on the porch, Elvis ashtrays, Elvis drinking glasses, Elvis playing cards, Elvis t-shirts, Elvis hats, Elvis pillow cases, Elvis oven mitts, Elvis plates from the Franklin Mint hanging in the dining room…

After your visit you always have a good chuckle thinking about your zany uncle and his kooky obsession. Its just crazy to be so obsessive about anything, let alone a performer who left the great stage 30 years ago. A singer who became so diluted through merchandising and marketing that he started to become a parody of himself while he was still alive. Yet for some reason when you get home and admire the framed, hand-drawn portraits on your wall of the beatles from the cover of the White Album, pop on the latest repackaged album, have drink from your lead paint based Yellow Submarine mug and put on your New York City t-shirt nothing seems odd. In fact, you don’t give it a second thought.

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Reason # 373 – beatle spunk

Thats right, The The Punkles are a German band that play punk versions of beatles songs in the style of the Ramones. I may alienate myself from the community by admitting this, but I kind of like this band, or maybe I should say their versions aren’t as nausea inducing as the originals. I only wish they’d been able to find some better material to perform. I can understand wanting to plug-in to the FF cash machine, but show some damn respect to the Ramones!

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Reason # 571 – Hotel Hell

You guessed it, very soon there will be a beatles hotel opening up in Liverpool called The Hard Day’s Night Hotel.
The $40 million brainchild of Jonathan Davis, a rich bankers son funded by government money, is guaranteed to be a very classy affair.

“There will be subtle and clever references to the Beatles,” said Davies, “But if we have someone staying in the hotel who doesn’t happen to be a Beatles fan then we don’t want to hit them in the face with it. Each of the 110 rooms will have 110 photographs charting the history of the band.”

Good thinking, you wouldn’t want to be too obvious about it. I’m sure lots of innocent tourists will stumble into this Fab Trap seeing the giant guitar logo and have no inkling its a “bouthemed” hotel. Davis invented this word to refer to his endeavor. I’ve invented a word to refer to it as well, retardical.

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Big Brother Paul watches on as you are fabulously creeped out. Try not to think about whats in the bathroom.

This isn’t the first beatle themed hotel, believe it or not. Last year fans flocked to the Capitol Tokyu Hotel in Tokyo where the FF stayed in 1966, just to bask in ancient beatle spores. The band only visited Japan once, forty years ago, but dammit, that was enough to have every beatletron with a disposable income zooming across the ocean to get the chance to watch a bunch of dorks in wigs play forty year old songs, while the entire country celebrated this historic event. THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!

God help us.

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Reason # 318 – A “Duh” in the Life

In 1977 Rolling Stone Magazine, for its 10th anniversary, crapped out one of the most catastrophic turds ever to be disguised as a TV special in the history of the medium, A Day in the Decade.

You can pinpoint this as the exact moment those fine purveyors of pop culture finally crossed the line, and in fact left any semblance of a line so far in the past that it must be morbid curiosity that keeps this disaster full of Gap ads on the shelves today. That, or the fact that it’s the hippest monthly tabloid fanzine.

Presented here in all its glory is a 15 minute tribute to the beatles that rivals that other great beatles tribute in 1977, The beatles Forever.

Hosted by Ted Neeley, aka: Jesus Christ Superstar, the cast is a fascinating look at who couldn’t get work that year. It opens with a fascinating version of ‘A Day in the Life,’ complete with a re-enactment by Ted of waking up, getting out of bed, sliding down a stripper pole and landing in a neon submarine ( I don’t remember that part of the song).

Don’t worry, its all uphill from this point. There’s mutant strawberry-like creatures groveling before a fake Yogi, a ‘Helter Skelter’ dance number based around some kind of armageddon scenario, Patti Labelle singing ‘Polythene Pam’ from a giant spiderweb, a soulful version of ‘Give Peace a Chance’ sung from the deck of the neon submarine while surrounded by spasmatic Oompa-Loompa looking freaks, a Fake Nixon singing ‘Back in the USSR’ and ‘I’m a Loser’, a Rocky Horror Picture Show version of Birthday, and so much more!

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Reason # 476 – Meet the McBeatles

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Ever notice how blatantly the entertainment conglomerates force themselves into our lives? Of course you do, how could you miss it? Take Blockbuster and the endless ads hocking the latest made-for-profit-extravaganza. They cater to the lowest common denominator by carrying big budget Hollywood crap. Stock thirty copies of every lame-brained two-hour remake of TV shows that weren’t even watchable when they were first on the air. Just put Will Smith in it boys, team him up with Owen Wilson and an animated condom! It’ll sell!

On top of this, Blockbuster has the right to censor anything in its stores for inappropriate content. This might be alright for a Remake of the Beverly Hillbillies (Goldangit, Granny’s dress is too revealing in that shot!), because you can watch the majority of them with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears and still not miss anything. But in a well made movie movie, you might need to be able to follow the plot without big brother telling you what you’re allowed to see.

Of course this is dependent on who made the film. Its fine to see a naked woman tortured to her grisly death if the film was financed by Disney, but if Lloyd Kaufman was to show a fake melon head full of hamburger and food colouring explode, he’s out of luck. Not that they would carry his films in the first place.

This brings me to my point; Blockbuster is owned by Viacom. Viacom also owns Paramount Pictures, as well as Famous Music, DreamWorks, Republic Pictures, MTV Films, CBS, Nickelodeon Movies, Go Fish Pictures, Comedy Central…I’m not getting carpal tunnel syndrome over this, lets just they ain’t hurting. They also have numerous tie-ins with other conglomerates in industry, media, agriculture, energy and finance.

Now Lets say Viacom wants to make another bajillion dollars so everyone can buy new Range Rovers. First they tell some sap to write a movie about the first thing he finds in the June, 1973 issue of TV Guide. If he doesn’t have one handy he bases it on whatever video game he’s playing. Just make sure that whatever its about somebody can make it into a toy, dammit! Paramount makes the movie. They bombard the airwaves with commercials, put up billboards, the stars get interviewed incessantly on the evening news and we get to discover what kind of tricycle handsome douchebag of the week rode when he was a toddler. Out of nowhere the title track becomes a hit song, and the soundtrack sells like crazy even though the movie hasn’t been released yet.

The next step is to put all the cute little dolls and cups and toys in McDonald’s and Burger King. The Kids lap it up, buy more greasy food, go see the movie and buy more merchandise. These are the folks who pay the salaries of the talking fish and surfing penguins which never seem to get old.

The next time you’re watching the beatle biography of the week, or their bi-weekly incredibly relevant story on the news, remember its not a happy-go-lucky moptop footing the bill for it. The beatles didn’t sell out, they were a pre-packaged commodity that became more popular than the Pet Rock. They may have had something to say, but it was diluted with a bag of beatle hair out of a beatles lunchbox.

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Think who the target market is, and who’s holding the gun.

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Reason # 370 – The Beatnix, Twist and Puke

This is really incredible. Its hard to turn away, even though you know what you’re seeing will instantly turn your stomach. I’ve made several emergency trips to the bathroom since making this grisly discovery, and once again I apologize in advance and beg you not to watch or listen to it.

One of the only songs ever to rival the beatles total saturation of the airwaves is Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven, also known as the DJ has gone out for a smoke or to take a dump. DJ’s love this song. Its not quite as advantageous as In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, which would allow them to run to the all-you-can-eat buffet down on the corner, throw up in a dumpster, and still make it back for a nap before the song ends.

The Beatnix are an Australian beatles tribute band who have combined the worst of both worlds, a beatles medley with Led Zeppelin lyrics. Apparently they are one of the longest running beatle tribute bands out there. Thats quite an impressive achievement, akin to being employee of the month at McDonald’s.

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Reason #531 – Help! It’s Back!

Breaking News!
In an renewed effort to puke out regurgitated fluff at the rate of a new release every five seconds, the fine folks at beatleMart have decided to re-release the unwatchable film, Help!

This digitally remastered nightmare comes with 5.1 audio. Thats right, mono recordings like you’ve never heard them before. But wait, there’s more!
Disc two will feature a short documentary on the making, the restoration, and interviews with the crew. Finally you can see how exciting it is to sit in a dark editing suite, and find out what the gaffers and craft services thought about working on this masterpiece. Hopefully they’ll include an interview with the pair of scissors used to edit this monstrosity, I’d like to hear what kind of drugs it was using at the time.

Unfortunately, this will only appeal to the mediocre fans. Real beatleheads will need to drop a hundred bucks for the Help! (Deluxe Edition) Boxed Set. This includes such mandatory table scraps as:
-Lester’s annotated script. Wow! Who the hell is Lester?
-A poster. Great! There’s nothing like hanging up a poster thats been folded and pressed into a 7″ by 5″ rectangle!
-A 60-page booklet of photos and additional notes on the making of the film. I have to admit these are pretty cool. Thanks to our sources we’ve managed to secure one of these photos for you to preview, the FF relaxing with their loved ones, as well as a sample of one of the production notes.

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Sure to be a collectors item soon, unlike the poorly planned beatle anthrax. Get your copy today!

Reason # 669 – Cult of the sacred Moustache

Througout history the moustache has adorned the faces of some of the greatest minds, artists, political and military leaders; as well as some of the worlds most infamous and horrendous mass murderers.

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Is it any coincidence that these historic individuals all had facial hair?
Its been said in hushed whispers that behind every moustache is member of a secret society, they identify each another and communicate with various strokes, brushes and twirls. This group (which shall remain unnamed) traces its origins back to the time of the Pharoh’s.

After WWII and the fall of Hitler, the moustache immediately fell out of fashion, its power contaminated by an evil and negative energy. The underground society itself shunned its use, changing its methods and biding its time until they were safe to return to the hairy fold. This left the moustache alone and unadornable, seeking out new victims with its siren song of success.

For a while the world was a safer place. That is until the fateful year 1966 when the beatles embarked on recording of Sgt Pepper. At this time John wasn’t contributing many songs, George was silenced , and Ringo was Ringo. This left Paul alone to write the majority of the album. Finally the pressure grew to be too great for the surprised looking one and he began writing songs like When I’m 64. He realized he couldn’t do it by himself. He needed help of the most evil kind.

It was at this time the beatles fell under the spell of the moustache society, seen here draped in the customary ceremonial garbs, complete with pink slippers and the mystical orange fedora with green feather. Its hard to tell from this angle if John and George are performing the twin thumbs ritual of the anus on Paul, of if thats just the way he looks:

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Here’s another rare photo, taken shortly after the release of Sgt Pepper the FF is seen sending a secret message. Notice Ringo’s horrified gaze as he realizes what he’s done:

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Harnessing this ancient magic the moptops eagerly entered the studio, armed the the teeth. 129 days later, the mission was over and never again would the four wear whiskers at the same time, its power too intense too keep under control.

Even though the FF had shorn its shaggy shackles, the power of the ‘stache still held sway over this release. Critics suddenly lost their minds. The Times critic Kenneth Tynan described Sgt. Pepper as “a decisive moment in the history of Western civilization.” Geoffrey Stokes noted, “listening to the Sgt. Pepper album one thinks not simply of the history of popular music but the history of this century.”

Timothy Leary went as far as to proclaim, “I declare that the beatles are divine messiahs. The wisest, holiest, most effective Avatars that the human race has yet produced. My thesis is a simple one. It is my contention that John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney and Ringo Start are mutants, prototypes of a new young race of laughing Freemen. Evolutionary agents sent by god, endowed with the mysterious power to create a new human species.”

The power was truly out of control. By the thousands people heard this musical incantation and suddenly began to sprout beards, hair grew longer, women grew armpit hair, even ordinary carpets turned into shag rugs seemingly overnight. Burt Reynolds was getting work. Something had to be done.

The few remaining minds of the music community who were unscathed got together realized there wasn’t much time left, and decided there was only course of action. It wasn’t going to be pleasant, and it was going to forever alter the state of music.

To bring the world back from the brink of destruction they choose six soldiers brave and strong enough to absorb and transform the energy, dispersing it into dancing crowds in the form of endorphines, forever muting its effect.

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This is how the beatles were responsible for disco.