Monthly Archives: December 2007

Free Christmas Cards!

Hey Folks,

In the spirit of the season we’ve decided to give back to the community that has given us so much support.

Here’s our first annual free Christmas/Holiday/Season card installment. Give them to your loved ones, give them to your enemies. Give them to the guy at the Burger King Drive-Thru, the liquor store, and the massage parlor. Whatever you do, just give them away!

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Reason #742 – Rare Outtake Video Surfaces

Our next installment of rare outtakes designed to showcase the beatles technical prowess in the studio is a double treat. Please remain seated, if you pass out from the excitement of this moment its best to stay safe.

Here we have not only takes four and five from the I’m a Loser session, but also a rare video chronicling the event! Yes, for the first time in the history of mankind this groundbreaking video will finally be seen. Once again SMB has come through with the FF goods, you can thank us later.

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Reason #663 – Fixing a Hair

Breaking News!

Thanks to SMB another devious FF plot was recently foiled in London.
Gorringes Auction House put on the auction block a lock of the late beatle John Lennon’s hair. The fab follicles were sold to an unnamed bidder for the hefty sum of $48,000 USD. This isn’t surprising, as just this summer one of Paul McCartney’s shoelaces sold for $20,000 USD. Apparently they were from the very same shoes he didn’t wear on the cover of Abbey Road. Now thats a slice of history.

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Reason#710 – The beatles -vs- The Chipmunks

Well, its that time of year again. The stores are flooded with fresh batches of FF propaganda. The powers that be can now take advantage of this opportunity not only to try and force you to drop money on 30 year old recordings, but also cram as many kids as possible into movie theatres to sit through their latest pea-brained remakes of thirty year old Christmas movies and bombard them with product placements.
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Reason # 781 – Statues of Limitations

Breaking News!

Its just been reported that Liverpool has been overrun with cries to build a statue of the so called fifth beatle, Brian Epstein. This is fantastic news, Liverpool hasn’t erected a new statue of the beatles in nearly a month. Austin, Texas has taken advantage of this sculpting lull by putting up its own towering tribute to the FF, a 36 foot version of the band holding their instruments and looking befuddled. What describes Texas better than a gargantuan edifice deifying an ancient pop band from England?

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Reason # 851 – Chryslers, Condoms, Aliens and…Ringo?

We’ve been getting a lot of flack lately for insinuating that the FF were merely pawns controlled by a gigantic bankroll known only as beatlemart. After many long and heated debates we’ve decided to distance ourselves from this line of investigation. To make it up to the powers that be, we’ve put together a short video apology.

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Reason #1938 – Across the Universe

It was once noted that if one billion people were spaced one inch apart they could reach the moon. Six billion people would wrap around the moon and back three times. Its been estimated that the beatles album sales by the year 2000 was 113.5 million copies in the US alone. This figure is very conservative, considering it doesn’t mention singles and considers only RIAA certified releases. By 1965 the band had sold over a million copies of With the beatles and by 1970 it was estimated the band had sold over 500 million records. Its safe to say the actual number is at least 10 times that amount, and thats playing it safe.

If we were to lay all those albums end to end, and four across, they would undoubtedly reach the moon and back. But why come back? Why not stretch out across the universe and see whats out there? There’s still a lot of hidden secrets in the music of the FF (maybe the Walrus wasn’t Paul after all), and what better way to discover them that to take the long and winding road of records?

Our proposal is two tours:
I’ll Follow the Sun, or The Sun King Express will take FF fans straight to the center of our solar system where they can march directly into the source of inspiration for so many songs, the sun. Its a long journey, but thankfully for us a one way trip.
The second tour is a little more exciting, because at the rate beatlemart is pumping out album asphalt the trip is guaranteed to be an endless journey into the cosmos. The Lucy in the sky with Diamonds Across the Universe Tour will travel away from the sun and into infinity. Hopefully these travelers won’t encounter any intelligent life during their journey, only other beatle fans. It will get very cold, so be sure to pack your thermal Sgt Peppers jackets for the trip. Don’t worry about oxygen, you’ll be surrounded by a protective aura of love, thats all you need.

Now you can finally revolve around the world the way the world revolves around the beatles. As an added bonus, while your out there be sure to place a star in the new beatles constellation!

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Reason # 741 – Help! I need some practice!

In our quest to bring you the only the very best of the beatles, we’ve developed a new method of displaying the technical achievements of the band for all the world to enjoy. Have you ever wished you could have been a fly on the wall during some of those recording sessions? Well thanks to us you can! For the first time in the history of mankind we proudly present the first 12 takes of Help! edited down to the most interesting sections for your listening displeasure. Look for many more interesting collections in the future.

Help! Was written by John Lennon in 1965 while he was undergoing some personal and professional crisis, brought on by the fame of the beatles and his problems with becoming part of the establishment and growing increasingly overwhelmed with his celebrity. It was a cry for help that went unheeded as the beatlemachine hammered the beatles into the studio to record the soundtrack for their second film. John was completely disenchanted with how they had allowed themselves to be sold out, polished up, spit-shined and marketed as teen idols.

In other words:

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Help! Went on to be a huge hit as the world ignored his plea and listened to the pretty singing.

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Notice how George’s guitar part mysteriously disappears until the last few takes, its almost as though somebody locked him in a broom closet and wouldn’t let him out until he could sort of play it. Sound to me like George Martin could have used some help as well, or at least a few session musicians.

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Reason # 879 – Here comes the Moon

JG Thirlwell, the mastermind behind Foetus, once sang:

Complainin bout ma campaign against personal decency
I got no excuses
Just rules wrapped in barbed wire, laced with busted glass
(Yeah, I’m the one who gave the sandwich to Mama Cass)

Pretty ironic for a fat lady to choke on a ham sandwich, its given food to satirists for years.

Unfortunately, its not true. Mama Cass Elliot, of Mamas and the Papas fame, died after two sold-out performances at the London Palladium to standing ovations. When she retired to her flat at No.12 at 9 Curzon Place, she suffered heart failure and passed away in her sleep. There was a partially eaten ham sandwich found in her room, which led to the misconception.

It makes you wonder how such a straight story turned into a joke at the expense of the memory of this performer. Even after the coroner declared her death the result of natural causes, and an official report was issued, the legend continued to propagate. Its almost as if somebody was trying to distract the public from a bigger story.

Lets take a look at some random facts.

This wasn’t the only strange incident to occur at flat No.12 at 9 Curzon Place. A little over four years later Keith Moon died in the same room, on the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death. On Sept 7, 1978 Keith Moon was invited to be Paul McCartney’s guest for the film premiere of The Buddy Holly Story, and after the movie they went to a dinner party. Afterwards he retired to the flat and overdosed on Clomethiazole, a medication taken as part of a program to wean him off alcohol. Thirty-two undissolved pills were found in his stomach.

This unlucky flat was owned by Henry Nilsson, a personal friend of John Lennon. The flat was in close proximity to Apple headquarters and was decorated by a design company owned by Ringo Starr. Keith Moon gave Ringo’s son, Zak, his first professional drum kit. Zak idolized Moon’s playing, and against his fathers wished became a drummer. Later he went on to work on some albums produced by John Entwistle, and finally replace Moon as The Who’s drummer.

According to Pete Townshend, “Keith used to be a kind of musical godfather to him. He gave him his first drum kit, which I think is rather strange. Ringo may have actually given him his first drum kit, but I think Keith gave him the first drum kit that he really wanted. It had nude women on it.”

Nilsson also starred with Moon in a rock’n’roll horror film called ‘Son of Dracula.’ Its known as one of the worst horror-comedy-rock movies ever made, and was produced by Ringo Starr. Ironically, it also starred another ill-fated powerhouse drummer, John Bonham.

Its an odd collection of facts when placed together, and to be completely out of character we aren’t going to draw any conclusions. The mysterious hand of the FF is everywhere, and nowhere.

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To learn more about Foetus:
Link to the official site