Monthly Archives: January 2008

Fan mail #1 – A word from the average beatle fan

Welcome to our newest feature, Fan mail aka: If everybody hates you, you must be doing something right.

We’ve had plenty of requests to share some of the messages received from our more eloquent detractors. After wading through hundreds of emails consisting of variations on the theme, ‘You’se guys are stupids! LOL! How come you not die?ROTLFLMA!‘ We’ve selected a few masterpieces to give you an idea of what the average beatle fan thinks, where they’re coming from, and their opinion of our work. A glimpse into the mind of what we’re up against.

Without further ado, here’s the first letter from our series. This one came to us through our Myspace account. In this young mans defense, he did come around and see a glimmer of light at the end of the FF dungeon.

*Please note: spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left in their original form. If anyone cares to submit an English translation please get in touch with us via the contact page -Das*

Subject: man you must have a good life

your so fucked up you must cut down the greatist progreshion in music since cave men beat on crap to make drum beats john lennon said that they where beter known than the god not beatler than god and they where more people at that time knew of the beatles than of god so that argument is bull shit the beatles are funier than you tough stop bitching about it george harrison divoted his life to music and did a lot for the world and your a jackass for malesting the cover to let it be. paule micartney is well within the ranks of the best modern conposers dont believe me listine to wings live and let die very carfully then reconsider you opinion. john lennon did more for the anti vietnam movent then other single artist wich probably does not concern you because from the sound of it you are one of thous nazis who like to send americas youth off forcefully tword iminate death because of net picky political crap. mind you he was protesting will the president himself was looking four an excuse to have him deported because he was afraid that john whould potentialy threten the publices opinion on his personal war excuse me i cant call it a war, police action and yes john hade a drug problem but to conplety disrespect one of the world finest musicians because of your bias bullshit especialy sence lennon managed to break his harowin adiction [if you could have enouf self controll to break a harowin adiction i will eat my keyboard] and tell his son he was a smelly hippie you fucking asshole i am two pissed to take the time to talk about ringo right know but if you have a problem with the beatle kicking you ass at life send me a message of all you conplants and i will adress them personaly untill then dont be a your an asshole


Reason#214 – How to Slice a Turd.

A popular joke amongst friends is the old favorite, “Two down, two to go.”

While we can’t help but agree, and laugh, its not quite so easy. This problem goes deeper. If you wanted to stop hearing McCartney’s brain drool the last thing you’d want is for him to be buried six feet under, especially at the hands of a deranged killer. Look what happened to Lennon, one day he’s a fading celebrity, the next day he’s Jesus Christ.

No, to take McCartney’s music and the dreaded FF aural ass stain off the air something greater needs to happen, and the first steps have miraculously begun. We know what you’re thinking, but it’s not the Gary Glitter way. (Incidentally, is it not possible to find a song written by somebody who’s not a twice-convicted pedophile to play at hockey games?).

We spoke briefly of Ringo’s new album, aka: the aural fellatio of Liverpool. How could this tailor-made cash queef not be a huge hit? Its a love song to the city that thinks he walks on water, unfortunately for the short sighted organizers they didn’t realize how warm the water surrounding the man actually is. During an appearance on the BBC talk show Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Ringo not only insulted his hometown, but showed visible signs of disgust when asked if he’d ever consider moving back. The fans…didn’t go wild.

Shortly after this he was scheduled to appear on the morning variety show Live with Regis and Kelly to play his new song, and show off his sparkling wit. Instead, he stormed off when asked to cut the length of his song down from its original length of five minutes to something a room full of sentient beings could stomach. No amount of pouting or compromise could get our new hero Michael Gelman (executive producer) to budge. Dave Stewart, co-writer, co-producer, guitarist, bumbling henchman and lackey was miffed, saying the show was, “disrespectful treatment of us as artists. Four minutes seemed like an appropriate amount of time for a former Beatle. Mr. Gelman apparently felt Ringo’s musical legacy should take a back seat to additional banter about the size of Ms. Ripa’s derrière.”

Finally, somebody gets the picture! Lets all pitch in and send Mr. Gelman a bottle of scotch and a bouquet of roses. This artist is of less concern than a talk show hosts ass. What Mr Stewart failed to realize is that not only he trying to piggyback a former beatle, but a former beatle with sub-par material…even for a beatle! McCartney take heed, Your days are numbered.

This is an important first step, the separation of man from myth. For the public to independently make the distinction between ‘beatle’ and ‘former beatle’ is a huge leap. It pinpoints a specific date in time, nullifying every laughable attempt at cashing in on the FF empire since the band self-destructed in 1970. You heard right, thirty-eight years ago!

We’ve been unable to get an interview with Mr. Gelman regarding his laudable decision up to this point, but thats unimportant. We all know what he would say, “No matter how many times you slice a turd you’re going to end up with smaller pieces of turd. If America needs to swallow this crap its has to be in easily digestible chunks. Not many people in our audience could choke down a log of that magnitude.”

Reason # 414 – Fit to be Necktied

Beatlemart is finally putting out something of value, a John Lennon Necktie!

In honor of this historic release we’ve designed a new style of knot to accompany it, the Knot Again. This is destined become an incredibly popular fad, like the ZZTop dance or the pet rock. If you want to be cool like all your FF lovin’ pals, you’d better learn how to do it now.

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Reason #306 – Liverpool 8 and Rolling Groans

Ringo has a new album out, God help us.

In place of our first official album review, which was not much more than tortured screams of, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!” As well as our revised review:

lavknm ap/;aergpm q0g q
fgmoasdf54 s
sdfgasdf 45d3 h786ghdfj 0sd8 sdfgsd sr6 e508e578 8

(This is what cleaning vomit from a keyboard looks like)

We’ve decided instead to kill two birds with one stone.

Before we begin grab one of our handy FF listening companions and take a listen to a song from the album in question.


Warning – don’t listen

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12 Warning signs that you may be suffering from Beatleitis

This is part one of an ongoing self-help series.
Warning signs
by Dr. Lance Saugen

It’s an ugly word. Beatleitis. Nobody wants to talk about it, yet every year more and more people are destroyed by this horrible affliction. Nobody is too young or too old to be safe from its menace. If left untreated it can be fatal, or if you look at the image below, even worse:
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