Reason #306 – Liverpool 8 and Rolling Groans

Ringo has a new album out, God help us.

In place of our first official album review, which was not much more than tortured screams of, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!” As well as our revised review:

lavknm ap/;aergpm q0g q
,
kas
fgmoasdf54 s
sdfgasdf 45d3 h786ghdfj 0sd8 sdfgsd sr6 e508e578 8

(This is what cleaning vomit from a keyboard looks like)

We’ve decided instead to kill two birds with one stone.

Before we begin grab one of our handy FF listening companions and take a listen to a song from the album in question.

barfbagsmall.jpg


Warning – don’t listen


We’ve all just been subjected to not only Ringo’s singing, but also his songwriting. Our offended ears and self-preservation instincts have kicked in and inherently we’ll know to avoid this particular torture in the future. In 5,000 years when these albums are unearthed from a landfill in Kentucky, our ancestors will intuitively know this is bad. FIRE HOT! FIRE BURN!

The music speaks for itself, anything we could add would be to twice slay the slain. Incidentally, to order more barf bags please use the contact tab located at the top of the page. Hopefully it isn’t wishful thinking to assume that most of us are wise enough to avoid this kind of garbage, which brings us to our second slain bird; Rolling Stone Magazine. This sycophantic, pap pedalling, pay-per-play douchebaggery has gone beyond being mildly amusing, and far beyond being blatantly obvious. If this doesn’t prove to be one of the final nails in its coffin of credibility, its hard to imagine what its going to take to seal this ancient sarcophagus.

During a brief respite from flagging the flavor of the week, and in between the 17 full page glossy ads that surround every article, they’ve taken time to reminisce by slobbering all over the teat of its trusty old stand-by flavor, beatle dough. How else can you explain not only a good review, but a glowing 4.5 out of 5 stars review of this album? A review that doesn’t even mention the music!?! This is what they had to say about the lead track we just heard…yes, THIS IS THE SAME SONG! Liverpool 8 is a celebration of everything Ringo — his musical wit, his cheer. I keep waiting for the punchline, but there isn’t one. Musical wit? Poppycock!

It doesn’t end there, this nostalgic cuddle-fest is only beginning. For some of us Beatlemaniacs, one of the most significant events of 2007 was the long-awaited DVD rerelease of Help! It’s not merely the fabbest and funniest Beatle film but Ringo Starr’s proudest cinematic moment, and that includes Caveman.

Unbelievable. Not only are they trying to peddle the smash flop hit DVD of last month, the regurgitation of HELP! which was cunningly exposed here, but they unapologetically drool all over it like a mongoloid preacher and still have the balls to try and pass this off as an album review! Its surprising Leibowitz’s photos of the author getting a Ringo-reach-around didn’t make it to the cover of this groundbreaking issue.

The review says, “there’s an elegiac tinge to “Gone Are the Days,” waving goodbye to the strawberry fields of the past.”, but this less than elegiac croak from the dying waste of a tree thats been rolling around on its bloated carcass for the past twenty years should cause us all to wave goodbye as well, and good riddance.

beatlebuck.jpg

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 2.75 out of 5)
Loading...

12 thoughts on “Reason #306 – Liverpool 8 and Rolling Groans

  1. Daniel Kaproth

    This is fan-fucking-tastic. I was going to listen to the new Ringo last Friday to give you an accurate review, but upon trying my brain shit itself. Maybe I’ll give it a try again this week. No promises though By the way, did you know McCartney hipped himself up by releasing an indie-only vinyl release that was recorded at Amoeba Records??? *GASP!* Paul is so on the fringe of cool again! Recording an in-store at Amoeba, the fucking rock ‘n’ roll balls on this guy!

  2. Das Post author

    I appreciate the thought, but don’t ever listen to things like that! Your life and mental health are more important, its not worth it dammit!

    I had no idea about Paul. I mean, I knew he was cool and everything, but gee whiz, he’s now officially my new hero.

  3. jp

    It’s 2008..and to make up for lost time, Liverpool is now an “International Big Deal City”..there’s billions of $$ pouring in..according to my cab driver, there’s more building cranes there than in London..

    so..umm..(‘scuse me, but as an aside..was that Hillary Clinton with not blond hair introducing Richy? just checkin’) WATT does this have to do with another POS from our boy? Das..could you please add it up for the Coalition of the Doomed?

    I like Liverpool too..great people when they ain’t talkin about the FF, which really is most of the time, believe it or not. One of my favorite parts from last summer’s trip was watching the “telly” ..a show about the local shit..with special guest..YOKO! who was there to dedicate the john and Yoko (yoko and john?) Wing of something..the 20 something babe who ran the show treated her like she was somebody’s not quite all there are we now aged aunt..which, well, hmm

  4. Das Post author

    Happy New Year, welcome back JP.

    As usual you raise some interesting, if not confusing points. I’ve spent only one night in Liverpool, and it was quite memorable. I think…I don’t remember much. I had a really good time, its a great city despite the scourge that hails from it.

    Believe it or not I’ve been thinking about this ‘Capitol of Culture 2008’ deal which has been bestowed on Liverpool, although I’m afraid I only raise more questions.

    First of all, do you think its at all odd that Ringo unleashed that sorry excuse for a song ‘Liverpool 8’ just in time for the celebrations, coincidentally titled ‘Liverpool 08’?

    What about the fact that Ringo headlined the opening ceremonies last weekend?

    For some reason this years Capital of Culture, instead of focusing on one city, is also shared by Stavanger & Sandnes of Norway. Is it a punishment for Paul McC not taking part in the celebrations?

    Starbucks just opened a store in the beatle-story museum, and have slowly adding more and more FF material to their label. This ‘culture’ honor is awarded to cities by the European Union, a political and economic community. Money…politics…starbucks…Ringo singing lead vocals…

    When you figure it out please let me know.

    As for Yoko…ah, you gotta love her.

  5. Dogshit

    I’d rather watch the Princess Diana wedding. I’d even rather sit through five episodes of “Friends” sober. But I’d have to be handcuffed to the couch and far away from things that I could kill myself with!

  6. Dogshit

    I listened to half of it, I couldn’t stand it. It’s like telling a kid not to stick his finger in the empty light socket but he does anyways, and I think I am damaged a little. I think I’ll go listen to some hard acid death metal just to get his voice out of my head!

  7. Stelth

    Thanks for reminding us how truly untalented ringo is. They must have dispensed a lot of drugs to keep that audience from bolting away.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *