While watching the news last night they broke to a commercial. While this isn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, what they were ‘commerting’ was not only equally as horrifying as the news, but far more disturbing. Sandwiched in between death in the Congo and the weather they showed four bloated old corpses in MopTop wigs dressed like they were going to a dork fetish party. They were playing early beatles songs, on early beatle instruments. They even had a drummer with a gigantic honker! The truly unnerving part was when they panned out to the audience watching these wierdos, everyone was clapping….and the place was full! Hopefully they just cut in some stock footage of an audience from a dog show or something less nauseating.
Finally, towards the end of this endless 30 seconds of hell its revealed that RAIN, this make-believe moptop band, is scheduled to play for SEVEN DAYS! IN A ROW! Tickets are $30-70 each and the venue has a seating capacity (who could stand for that garbage) of 3223. A conservative estimate with everybody buying cheap seats gives us $96,690 a night if they sell out the joint, at the end of the week $696,830. Thats a lot of nostalgia. Thats a lot of baby-boomers and beatleheads. Thats a lot of money! (On a completely unrelated note 1 kilo of mustard gas costs $4.15.)
Just when you think the average beatle fan couldn’t get anymore gullible, they start paying to watch pretend time with their imaginary friends. After the show instead of hailing a cab home, most of them will ride Snuffalufagus to their mystical enchanted gardens beneath the sea.
Here is a video clip of RAIN – The beatles Experience (warning: don’t watch)
After this came an interview with Jerry Levitan. If you don’t know who this is, you will soon. When this beatle obsessed tongue wagger was 14 years old he managed to tape record an interview with John Lennon. He sat on this tape for over thirty years, got somebody to animate around the audio, and released it as a documentary named I Met The Walrus which is now short-listed for an Oscar.
“I am stunned,” said Levitan of the nomination. Really? Stunned!?! This is the blueprint for instant commercial and critical success, proven countless times over the past thirty years. The formula is as follows.
“Unreleased footage, story or recording?” -Check!
“Slap it together, we’re all gonna be rich.” -Check!
Don’t be afraid to test this, try peeling a potato into the shape of a former beatle and put it on youtube, in a matter of hours you’ll be famous! In fact, lets take this one step further with The John Lennon Angry Banana Baby Interview and see what happens:
I Met The Walrus has been widely praised by critics. Another surprise! If you mention Lennon and Oscar in the same sentence critics instantly appear at your door and line up around the block for the opportunity to kiss your ass. The stellar reviews have ranged from descriptions about how the movie was made by animating to a tape recording, to gems like:“This film is not just a kaleidoscope of masturbatory nonsense.” -Earwax.com.
We’re not here to shoot this guys film down, we like cool animation. The problem is anybody from any genre who jumps on the beatle-humping-bandwagon loses any semblance of credibility they may have had. Compare a fine gourmet meal to a Big Mac. The Big Mac is cheaper, easier to make, and sells more units per day, does this mean its better? It doesn’t matter if you create movies or nursery rhymes, making money off the beatles is easier than making a Brittany Spears joke, thats why they’re still here. If you want to make art, then make art. If you want to be respected, keep the hell away from the FF or your nothing better than a copywriter under the Minister for Public Enlightenment & Propaganda. Want a gold filling with your burger?