Reason #357 – The Beatles will Rot Your Teeth

Everyone has experienced this familiar scenario:

You see an ad for food that looks so great that next time you go out you make it a point to pick up some of that delicious looking delicacy. When you sit down to feast, you discover it only vaguely resembles what you saw in the photo or the commercial, and it tastes like the ass end of a mule on laxatives.

Why does this slop look so good in ads, but not when you get it? Its possible you’re a crummy cook or you’ve encountered an unstable fast food worker, but realistically the most likely reason is that the food you see isn’t meant to be eaten, its created by ‘food stylists’ to look good. Its poisonous and it will kill you.

Why do those Corn Flakes Lennon loved to sing about so much look so nice sitting in a bowl of milk? Its not milk, its white glue. Burgers are sprayed with glycerin and painted to make them look moist and juicy, as well as cut up and shaped from behind to fill out the bun. That beautiful roast turkey has been washed in dish detergent, cooked briefly, painted with ten coats of food colouring, and blow torched to give it that roasted look. The syrup being poured over pancakes? Motor oil. The secret to juicy, delectable BBQ ribs? Half-cook them and paint with wood stain and BBQ sauce. That cold, refreshing bottle of beer with beads of condensation clinging to it? A thick, clear gelatin product called Ice powder. Cake? Styrofoam with icing. Ice Cream? Mashed potatoes and food colouring. Hot steam rising from this fresh from the oven creation? Cigarette smoke blown through a straw.

This deception isn’t considered lying, its considered a good sales strategy. Most people know that the food they see on TV is fake, but they buy it anyway. They don’t care its a two-dimensional fraud, backed up by a snappy jingle which is replayed hundreds of times a day so the name becomes impossible to forget. They don’t care that it actually has very little nutritional value and the labels are completely misleading (MSG is still used in foods that proclaim that they’re MSG FREE, they simply either change the name to a variation of ‘hydrolyzed soy protein,’ or flat out lie), the ingredients cheap, the flavor created in a laboratory (what the hell is ‘natural flavor’ anyway?).

People still buy this stuff because they don’t care. Its easy, they’re conditioned to like fake food, and they have no taste. These are the beatle fans of food.

Its the same illusion that allows FF fans to pretend this music is good, healthy, or worth digesting. They don’t like to think about it. They prefer music presented as sugar coated, mass marketed, pre-digested bite-sized lumps, repackaged in shiny wrappers and served on a platter of psychedelic swirls and mundane mediocrity. The beatles are the Pizza Pops of music. How else can you explain something like this:

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We hope this whirly mixture of toffee cookies and fudge peace signs enlightens your bellies and souls and makes you ask what you can do to promote peace in your lives. -Ben & Jerry

Or this?

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Its now very obvious that John Lennon was talking about fudge peace signs and toffee cookies when he wrote Imagine, not some stupid message of world peace…duh! Finally fans can rot their teeth while they rot their minds.

When you compare the mass marketed bubble gum claptrap* that creates the bulk of the beatles easy-to-swallow repertoire to actual bubble gum, the similarities are uncanny. The simple, inoffensive, safe melodies and lyrics perpetrated by this overblown boyband and the unholy following Madison Avenue has created behind them becomes nothing more than a bunch of lazy lab rats, too stupid to leave their wide open cages, opting instead to sit in the darkness on their overgrown haunches and chew on grease stains clinging to the discarded wrappers of yesterdays swindle.

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Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game.
It’s easy!

*Thanks to Gary Hall for this expression.

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14 thoughts on “Reason #357 – The Beatles will Rot Your Teeth

  1. jp

    Ras..did you know the USA has the #1 health care in the whirl? I bet you didn’t know that! the guy who’s running for congress where I “live” told me so!! He said you “canucks” (he actually used that word) come down here all the time to get your health care..uhh..on. …you must be a healthy guy, I have never seen you at my clinic..and I am there A LOT!!

    and come to think of it..how and WHEN did B&G pick upon my spelling? I will now have to drop it. no more “O Brave New Whirl’..shit. that was getting pretty good..except the people in Poland never figure out why eye koodant spel ragt

    In still more news, because I am bored shitless this afternoon…I just came from a meeting about “how to ma…”..well it doesn’t matter..but Ras..did you know that it’s REALLY IMPORTANT to make yourself into a brand? yes it IS!!

    …standing on the sideline..the only place to watch the whirl, sorry (and now I have to spend all fucking afternoon fitzing the spelling on my site)world go by may be the only safe thing to do…

    O! and remind me later..I have a really good story for you about Sir McApplesauceney, his former saxophone playing (not making this up) wife, and the Chicago Musicians Union..OH THE HORROR!!!Oh the ..

    Branded! Marked for my life with a lie!
    (that was the opening line to the TeeWee show “Branded”..how come nobody uses THAT anymore, eh?
    your friend who is so sick of winter he could pluck his eyeballs out,
    jp

  2. Das Post author

    “Branded! Marked for my life with a lie!”

    JP, the author of this article narrowly escaped a similar fate! Brand my ass I tells ya! If you had branded ‘Whirl’ you’d be laughing right now, retiring off the ever expanding backsides slipping though the cracks in the US healthcare system.

    I jest, all us Canucks are competely envious of your healthcare system. Its really inspiring how privatized systems can refuse a dying infant if his parents don’t have insurance.

    But seriously, I need that story!

  3. jp

    I think I’ll keep calling you Ras though..

    I am working on the story..$500/hour for saxo….

    soon.

  4. Das Post author

    Ras is fine, and $500 is only 1/3 of the going rate. Not for writing on this site of course.

    Damn JP, what a horrible story.

    I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but the US is no longer considered a ‘safe country’ by the UN. The result of this is previously refugees who fled their home countries could not cross the border from where they landed. Now if they end up in the states they can make it to the border and apply for status in Canada.

    In short, make it to the border I’ll try and sponsor you.

  5. jp

    we tried to stay when we were in Vancouver last year, but since there was already one “canuck” who knew how to play dub and fahnk on mood sympathesizer, extended tenor bass and melodica, it was “back ye go then”..

    so don’t tell me THAT again budyy..

  6. Stelth

    “Its the same illusion that allows FF fans to pretend this music is good, healthy, or worth digesting. They don’t like to think about it. They prefer music presented as sugar coated, mass marketed, pre-digested bite-sized lumps, repackaged in shiny wrappers and served on a platter of psychedelic swirls and mundane mediocrity.”

    Pure poetry! Excellent post.

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