Reason #7005 Update

Rubber Sole

Rubber Sole

After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.

Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul

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8 thoughts on “Reason #7005 Update

  1. The Grand Inquisitor

    2010: A Space Odyssey

    A Proposal.

    Beatlehaters are considering establishing a Tribunal similar to the International War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague. The purpose of which is to establish a raft of sweeping draconian laws, backward bureaucracies and legal biases in order to stamp out “Beatleness” wherever it is found, lest it should ever happen again.

    Secondly, to put on trial before the court, all “Beatles” and their “Fans” who are accused (dead or alive) of crimes against music as determined by the Tribunal.
    Thirdly, to publicly defame and summarily strip “The Beatles” of all merit and/or accolades and punish accordingly.

    Four mop-top heads are going to roll.

    Upon determining The Beatles crimes against music and subsequent guilt:

    The Beatles Summary Offences Act shall be legislated and proclaimed.

    -NASA Space exploration program will be cancelled due to funding redirection.

    -Any surviving Beatles members and their family members will be whisked away to a remote windswept field in Northern England and unceremoniously bludgeoned to death with a blunt instrument.
    Their remains burned and sent into the centre of the sun.

    -George Martin will be killed, if he isn’t already dead.

    -Mark Chapman will be pardoned.

    -Phil Spector will be left right where he is, as a living memorial and deterrent.

    -Expired Beatles remains shall be exhumed, symbolically executed, and then launched into the centre of the sun.

    -The “Beatles” entire audio back-catalogue; including but not limited to; master tapes, reference acetates, press plates, out-takes etc. shall be summarily deleted and/or destroyed.

    -Any material alluding to the prior existence of the aforementioned back-catalogue shall be summarily deleted and/or destroyed.

    -Any existing “Beatles” merchandise and/or warehouse stock will be crushed, burned and launched into the centre of the sun.

    -Musical instruments (ab)used by “The Beatles” and any subsequent reissues, signature series or any other musical instrument that may remind any unsuspecting innocent bystander of “The Beatles” will be burned, jettisoned into the sun.
    -This means all hofner violin basses, epiphone casinos, Ludwig drums, vox amplifiers etc, etc.

    -Anyone found to be in possession of material(s) pertaining to; performing, acting out, impersonating, miming, humming, whistling, thinking, interpretive dancing, or other act deemed being either directly, indirectly, pertaining to, or unreasonably about “The Beatles” back-catalogue will be killed.

    -Any existing “Beatles” tribute bands, cover acts, stage shows, cabaret acts, licensed franchisees, pretenders, troubadours, buskers or other persistent nostalgic impersonators and/or their immediate next of kin will be killed.

    -Remastering, reissuing, remixing, rehashing, rehearsing and generally regurgitating any “Beatles” material or part thereof will be punishable by death.

    -Persons involved with audio/video production, post-production, recording, engineering and/or producing found to be engaging in sonic misconduct not entirely unlike “The Beatles” will be deemed “Beatlesque” and killed.
    This means you Jeff Lynne. Todd Rundgren etc, etc.

    -Fire-on-site orders will be issued to roving death-squads equipped with flame-throwers for use on anyone who speaks of the back-catalogue. Ever.

    -An intercontinental nuclear ballistic missile will be armed, targeted at Abbey road studios and subsequently launched.
    (Nuclear winter party at pedestrian-crossing-crater everyone! Get your happy snaps of that one.)

    -Rockets, missiles, satellites and/or terrestrial bodies previously launched into space containing materials relating to “The Beatles” represent a threat to the entire universe and will be self-destructed or redirected into the path of the nearest oncoming astrological threat.

    -A large Electromagnetic Pulse weapon will be designed, built and fired in order to destroy all “Beatles” radio emissions previously broadcast from the Earth.

    -Internet, government and private databases will be hacked, cracked, sifted, trolled for every last solitary 0 or 1 of digital “Beatles” material, or the word ‘beatle’ and summarily deleted and/or destroyed. Permanently.

    -All subsequent operating systems and versions of windows to crash upon use of word ’beatle’.

    -All existing documentary evidence pertaining to “Beatles” rounded up and burned. Ashes collected, launched into centre of the sun.

    -Roving death-squads to be given draconian powers to kick in doors, search and seize all previous storage and retrieval formats from wax cylinders to BLU-RAY and everything in between. Collected material to be launched into the centre of the sun.

    (-Paraphernalia fanatics are particularly dangerous to the community at large and are to be singled out for special treatment. The criminal-music justice system must send a strong message and needs to set an example.)

    -If found in possession of more than 2 articles relating to “The Beatles”, fanatics can be deemed “Beatophiles” and strapped alive to the missile cone as we jettison the back-catalogue material into the centre of the sun.

    -Science will be funded with all the money we have saved at the NASA space program by jettisoning everything into the sun. New research will identify genetic predisposition towards “liking the Beatles” and we will have the scourge promptly isolated and engineered out of the human genome.

    -Anti-Beatle Intelligence organizations will be given not-very-special powers to detain without charge indefinitely, interrogate and torture with impunity (render), and kill anyone suspected of ever having been a “Beatles” fan. Anyone deemed potentially “at risk” of ever becoming a “Beatles” fan will be shot on site.

    The Tribunal hasn’t forgotten you snivelling lifelong faithful devotees who will be flushed out of the woodwork in their masses to line up like lemmings for a public love-in with their little round glasses, Chinese vox amps and crappy reissue guitars to get shot in the head as “Beatle martyrs”. I think I’ll draft in Chapman for that job.

    When I see an old “Beatles” record, I buy it, no matter what cost, take it home and destroy it. Gone.
    I would encourage other BeatleHaters to do the same. Original pressings are a finite resource and can be eradicated, just like original Beatles fans… This is a war of attrition. This fight we can win.
    Destruction of Re-issue vinyl just makes money for BeatleMart. They can punch the shit out faster than we can burn it.

    Phil Spector, the most tragic Beatles fan of all, and other nutcases like him are the only reason that I regrettably cannot put my name to my beloved work.
    Do not doubt the purity and strength of my hatred for all things “Beatles”. The fight goes on.
    Anonymous.

  2. DB

    I’m so glad there are others who don’t like this dull boring band. Was starting to feel like I was the only one.

  3. Russell

    Hear, hear! Just found this site.

    The Beatles – whiney, spineless, soulless, impotent, kiddies tv soundtracks… bit like Oasis. Eeuurghh!

  4. Vinny

    Just read an article on the BBC about this site. They posed the question: is it possible there are people who dislike the Fab Four?

    Doh!

    I fucking hate their music with a passion. At a regular pub gathering for the musical, every fucker would play Beatles’ songs. It’s an insult! Do they imagine that after 40 years of opportunity, endless playtime on radio, tv, internet, every marketing ploy, that I still wanted to listen to their interpretation??? It’s fucking insulting!

    I never thought I had such issues. It seemed as if re-hashing Blackbird was de rigueur for guitarists. Apparently everyone loved that shit and wanted to waste time and money listening to some spotty, bearded wanker playing it to you again with feeling. Urgh!

    You know, it’s so refreshing to know that my feelings are shared by some others. You put it nicely when you mentioned that a [i]fan[/] snuffed JL out. The media often slip in the word ‘deranged’ without any sense of irony, as if it added to their reportage. Fanatical and deranged, that just about sums up any Beatles bastard-child.

    Phew! I feel like I’ve just had colonic irrigation and I can now go about my life feeling good about myself!

  5. Tim

    I, too, just discovered this site thanks to the BBC report. The latest re-re-re-reissues are a con.

    The Beatles were vastly over-rated, whilst the American attempt to produce “we’ve got Beatles too” (the Monkees) was equally ghastly.

    I hope all who use this site have seen the marvellous Rutles’ piss-take movie “All You Need Is Cash”? (Don’t bother with the sequel, by the way).

    Keep up the good work!

  6. Gerardo

    Also found the site thanks to the BBC article.

    I will now burn four dirty mops in effigy of the beatles, one of them with little fucking round glasses, (which I truly, truly hate) and probably masturbate to the crackling of the flames as I play their tunes chopped and screwed while sipping on Purple drank.

    Thank you for giving us a place to vent.

  7. Norcs

    Well said all!! Go on to Amazon and start winding the fuckers up there, it’s priceless how precious the whiney Beatless fan can be!!

  8. John Lennon

    You bastards!! Hell gets the inter web to! ,Me & Beethoven are both rolling over….Not that he talks to me besides teasing me about my songs..He says that they are just as long and complexed as my love making….but my mum says I’m realy good at it.
    I’m going to lay down now

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