Suck My Beatles on the BBC

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Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

Help! I’m a Beatles hater

By Stephen Robb
BBC News

The re-release of the entire Beatles album catalogue has unleashed another wave of veneration for the 60s pop band. But could there really be anyone who actively dislikes their music?

James Bond apparently hated The Beatles.

In Goldfinger, he advises Jill Masterson that “drinking Dom Perignon ’53 above the temperature of 38 degrees” is “as bad as listening to The Beatles without earmuffs”.

The Bond girl’s own verdict on the Fab Four, unfortunately, is not recorded before her untimely demise on the inside of a coating of gold paint.

That was 1964, when 007 may have felt threatened by that year’s global success of The Beatles’ first movie, A Hard Day’s Night.

Beatles Rock Band

Beatles for Sale – the new Rock Band game could net $40m for the Beatles

Two years into their recording career and with Beatlemania raging on both sides of the Atlantic though, Bond was going characteristically violently against the prevailing mood. Forty-five years later, four decades after the Fab Four parted ways, his remark would be considered even more extraordinary, almost sacrilegious.

The devotional, feverish excitement over this week’s release of re-mastered versions of all 13 UK Beatles albums highlights the band’s unique, enduring appeal.

The first 50,000 box sets of mono versions of the discs, priced at £170, have already sold out, according to record company EMI.

Saturation media coverage to mark the release of the albums, of which an estimated billion copies already reside in record collections worldwide, has been led by the BBC’s “Beatles Week” series of programmes.

The Beatles seem to occupy a uniquely unassailable position in popular culture – everybody loves them. Don’t they?

What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967…
I Hate the Beatles website

Not Robert Elms. The author and broadcaster is one of a tiny minority who seem willing to stick their heads above the parapet and rubbish this most sacred of British institutions.

“They did a few things that lots of people liked,” says Elms. “Everybody can like them, from grandma singing along to When I’m Sixty-Four to the little girl singing Yellow Submarine.”

But he adds: “I just think they are either childlike and simple or rather leaden and pompous – one or the other all the time.”

Theirs is a sanitised and anaemic version of American blues-inspired rock and roll, he complains.

“For me they turned something that was once sexy and raw and had roots, into something that was totally soulless, playground sing-along music.”

It’s the sort of talk which risks a midnight knock on the door from Britain’s popular culture thought police.

Robert Elms

Guaranteed a place on every Beatles fan’s dartboard – Robert Elms

While he concedes that they did write some good songs, he can list rather more of what he calls The Beatles’ “crimes against music” – Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, Octopus’s Garden.

Elms will not play The Beatles on his BBC London daily radio show, and says feedback from listeners suggests “there is a perhaps relatively small but vociferous group of people” who share his opinion of the band.

In an article for the Glasgow paper The Herald some years ago, author and music critic David Keenan set out to find musicians who shared his dislike of The Beatles – and could find no-one.

“It is a canon that you cannot question,” he says. “Most people actually think you are just doing it for effect, putting on a front, playing the devil’s advocate.”

That this is the usual response is confirmed by Elms, who insists: “I do mean it; it’s not made up.”

Yoko lovers

However, occasionally mocking the supposed greatest band of all time can be “quite fun” as well, he admits.

Yoko Ono and John Lennon

David Keenan’s favourite Beatle? Yoko Ono

“I think everything that is over-inflated deserves a pin-prick in it occasionally,” Elms says. “How can they be above criticism? That’s ludicrous.”

Nor are the band any more sacred to Keenan, who says: “There is something so incredibly prissy about their music.”

He adds: “I am in such a minority that my favourite Beatle is Yoko Ono; without Yoko’s influence I don’t think there would be any Beatles music I could listen to.”

The avant-garde artist’s influence in the latter stages of The Beatles’ career inspired John Lennon, and in turn Paul McCartney, to new extremes of sonic adventure, he argues.

However, it is the slick pop of the band’s early years that is to blame for the tameness of most UK guitar music today, he insists.

“The Beatles are the absolute curse of modern indie music,” Keenan says.

“Anyone who says they are influenced by The Beatles, alarm bells start to go off; it means they are going to be completely ordinary. It’s about writing this perfectly-crafted music, the classic song – in inverted commas. It’s not about being adventurous.”

Branded a moron

Keenan’s search for likeminded dissenters finally found success, inevitably, on the internet.

Clash

‘Phoney Beatlemania’ – Comrade Strummer before entering re-education

The scattered online outposts of anti-Beatles sentiment include Suckmybeatles.com – tag-line: “Let it be …over.”

Sean, who runs the site, says fans’ reactions range from “disbelief” to considering him “downright offensive”.

“At first I’m accused of not knowing their material – usually while it’s being played behind them in Muzak form,” he says. “After I’ve proved that I’m familiar with the music, and that I can spout just as much useless trivia, I’m branded a moron who doesn’t understand music and a dangerous lunatic who should be avoided.”

“Q: What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? A: 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966…” is typical of the witty tone of the I Hate The Beatles! Why don’t you? web page.

But the hate mail these sites apparently attract suggests many Beatles fans fail to see the funny side of having their great heroes abused.

A rare fan

Suckmybeatles.com’s Sean, of Toronto, Canada, even refuses to give his full name, owing, he says, to past death threats.

“I’ve been told the Beatles are all about ‘peace’ and ‘love’ (gimme a break, they’re just a rock and roll band) and in the next sentence [they] threaten me with death,” explains the home page of the site, Help! The Beatles Suck.

The Beatles

Cuddly mop tops with acute pop sensibilities… or insipid pop imperialists

Elms confirms: “On the internet, I can find some people who will hate me to the ends of the Earth because I don’t like their favourite pop group.”

Daily Telegraph music critic Neil McCormick, who calls The Beatles’ work “the most extraordinary musical journey in pop history”, is among those fans sceptical of an opposing view.

“It is a position people adopt because of the universal high regard for them,” he says. “Popular music was in its infancy – with the talents compressed into that group they pulled it in every possible direction.”

The resulting musical diversity to be found between 1962’s Love Me Do and 1970’s The Long and Winding Road includes something for everybody to enjoy, McCormick argues.

“There is a lifetime of music in The Beatles.”

He adds: “If you like popular music of the modern day, to say that you don’t like The Beatles is kind of absurd.

“It is the fount of popular culture.”

Click here to view the article on BBC

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27 thoughts on “Suck My Beatles on the BBC

  1. JP

    That writer from Glasgow didn’t look very hard for musicians who don’t like the laddies..here I am bluesboy!

    “the fount of public culture”..that would explain popular culture..I gets it now!

    and whaddda ya mean Xas, “ranging from disbelief to downright offensive”? Unless of course the “downright offensive” part is how certain fans of this site view the boyzz theyselves? so confusing!

    and finally sir, what is this “Sean” stuff? We all know your real name ..which is a floating spelling, depending on the day and degree of hangover, that contains the letters “as” and has something else in the front. That keeps it, you know..”fresh”. Just like the ladzz!

    Now ‘scuse me while I go “fire up” my PS3. I have just obtained a “limited edition” of Yoko’s “art hero” game, and I am looking for a suitable bag..

    arghhhh arghhh ahhhh

  2. HC Carey

    Hate the Beatles! Hate the sophomoric, lame-ass middlebrow intellectualizing. Hate the drug and money fueled self indulgence. hate the cutesy poo. Hate the fact that they took a medium honed to hard, concise populist wit and crapped it up with the floral wallpaper-music hall sentimentality of British living room respectability.

    There’s more intelligence and juice and life in ANY Chuck Berry song than in the entire Beatles catalog. The Sgt. Pepper album was the worst thing ever to happen to Rock and Roll. The worst! Do yourself a favor–compare Howlin’ Wolf singing “Smokestack Lightening” to any attempt by the Beatles to be “Avant Garde.”

    Overproduced, overornamented, swing-free, it led to the era of expensive, ponderous crap-rock, in which uninformed 20 something chumps pontificated about things they did not understand, while A&R flacks stood around going “brilliant, man!” Listen to a couple Hank Williams songs and then tell me the Beatles are anything but pale babbling bullshit.

    But mostly I hate the fat-ass pious nostalgia and reverence that accompanies every mention of the beatles in print.

    Thank you!

  3. Christopher Shand

    Ummm…
    So what?
    While I do happen to like much of the beatles music (it’s fun, nothing more, nothing less), I do not love then band.
    I’d much rather listen to real blues, some c&w, show tunes, heavy metal.
    My collection includes Mozart to Metallica, ABBA to anthrax, John Lee Hooker to Lee Arron, Janis Joplin to opera.
    I don’t own any beatles music, don’t ike em enough to spend money on em.
    But to start a movement just to bash em, wow. You need to get out much, much more.
    To become famous becasue you knock a band (half of whom are dead) seems a little obsessive.
    I suppose i could become famous because I by whining about how much the sight and sound of Paris Hilton makes me want to retch. Nah better things to do – like wirte you about how inane you are =)
    See, I can be sad too.
    But, no, I’ll live and let Paris live.
    You should try it.
    Quit your whining dude. Anyone who gets angry at your blathering should seek the help of a professional therapist.
    Yeah, folk’ll get mad casue you don’t like the band.
    My personal opinion? For you and them; Do something that matters.
    Focussing your career on Beatle bashing is as bad as getting angry because I prefer green and you prefer blue.
    Sheesh. You a sad, sad little man.
    Even if you are mostly right.
    I’ll even agree about Yoko if she promises never to sing again, ran over a cat once, sounded better.
    You’re neither funny nor anger inducing (at least I would hope to reasonable people).
    Your website and opinions? Meh.

  4. Das Post author

    JP, I gave him names and numbers but unfortunately I think he wrote it on the John.

    Where have you people been all my life?

  5. Norcs

    Just thought I’d let you all know that I got called a wanker today by a rather irate Beatless fan, just because I slated the new box set on Amazon. How funny they all are!!!

  6. mick

    reason numero uno you dont like the BEATLES. you were being ass raped as a child while yellow submarine was being played,,GO EAT A BAG A HORSE DICKS beatle haters

  7. Norcs

    Steady on now Mick, you’ll have yourself an aneurism!!! I’m sure John and Yoko would be really really proud of your peaceful approach to explaining your argument!!!

  8. The Grand Inquisitor

    2010: A Space Odyssey

    A Proposal.

    Beatlehaters are considering establishing a Tribunal similar to the International War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague. The purpose of which is to establish a raft of sweeping draconian laws, backward bureaucracies and legal biases in order to stamp out “Beatleness” wherever it is found, lest it should ever happen again.

    Secondly, to put on trial before the court, all “Beatles” and their “Fans” who are accused (dead or alive) of crimes against music as determined by the Tribunal.
    Thirdly, to publicly defame and summarily strip “The Beatles” of all merit and/or accolades and punish accordingly.

    Four mop-top heads are going to roll.

    Upon determining The Beatles crimes against music and subsequent guilt:

    The Beatles Summary Offences Act shall be legislated and proclaimed.

    -NASA Space exploration program will be cancelled due to funding redirection.

    -Any surviving Beatles members and their family members will be whisked away to a remote windswept field in Northern England and unceremoniously bludgeoned to death with a blunt instrument.
    Their remains burned and sent into the centre of the sun.

    -George Martin will be killed, if he isn’t already dead.

    -Mark Chapman will be pardoned.

    -Phil Spector will be left right where he is, as a living memorial and deterrent.

    -Expired Beatles remains shall be exhumed, symbolically executed, and then launched into the centre of the sun.

    -The “Beatles” entire audio back-catalogue; including but not limited to; master tapes, reference acetates, press plates, out-takes etc. shall be summarily deleted and/or destroyed.

    -Any material alluding to the prior existence of the aforementioned back-catalogue shall be summarily deleted and/or destroyed.

    -Any existing “Beatles” merchandise and/or warehouse stock will be crushed, burned and launched into the centre of the sun.

    -Musical instruments (ab)used by “The Beatles” and any subsequent reissues, signature series or any other musical instrument that may remind any unsuspecting innocent bystander of “The Beatles” will be burned, jettisoned into the sun.
    -This means all hofner violin basses, epiphone casinos, Ludwig drums, vox amplifiers etc, etc.

    -Anyone found to be in possession of material(s) pertaining to; performing, acting out, impersonating, miming, humming, whistling, thinking, interpretive dancing, or other act deemed being either directly, indirectly, pertaining to, or unreasonably about “The Beatles” back-catalogue will be killed.

    -Any existing “Beatles” tribute bands, cover acts, stage shows, cabaret acts, licensed franchisees, pretenders, troubadours, buskers or other persistent nostalgic impersonators and/or their immediate next of kin will be killed.

    -Remastering, reissuing, remixing, rehashing, rehearsing and generally regurgitating any “Beatles” material or part thereof will be punishable by death.

    -Persons involved with audio/video production, post-production, recording, engineering and/or producing found to be engaging in sonic misconduct not entirely unlike “The Beatles” will be deemed “Beatlesque” and killed.
    This means you Jeff Lynne. Todd Rundgren etc, etc.

    -Fire-on-site orders will be issued to roving death-squads equipped with flame-throwers for use on anyone who speaks of the back-catalogue. Ever.

    -An intercontinental nuclear ballistic missile will be armed, targeted at Abbey road studios and subsequently launched.
    (Nuclear winter party at pedestrian-crossing-crater everyone! Get your happy snaps of that one.)

    -Rockets, missiles, satellites and/or terrestrial bodies previously launched into space containing materials relating to “The Beatles” represent a threat to the entire universe and will be self-destructed or redirected into the path of the nearest oncoming astrological threat.

    -A large Electromagnetic Pulse weapon will be designed, built and fired in order to destroy all “Beatles” radio emissions previously broadcast from the Earth.

    -Internet, government and private databases will be hacked, cracked, sifted, trolled for every last solitary 0 or 1 of digital “Beatles” material, or the word ‘beatle’ and summarily deleted and/or destroyed. Permanently.

    -All subsequent operating systems and versions of windows to crash upon use of word ’beatle’.

    -All existing documentary evidence pertaining to “Beatles” rounded up and burned. Ashes collected, launched into centre of the sun.

    -Roving death-squads to be given draconian powers to kick in doors, search and seize all previous storage and retrieval formats from wax cylinders to BLU-RAY and everything in between. Collected material to be launched into the centre of the sun.

    (-Paraphernalia fanatics are particularly dangerous to the community at large and are to be singled out for special treatment. The criminal-music justice system must send a strong message and needs to set an example.)

    -If found in possession of more than 2 articles relating to “The Beatles”, fanatics can be deemed “Beatophiles” and strapped alive to the missile cone as we jettison the back-catalogue material into the centre of the sun.

    -Science will be funded with all the money we have saved at the NASA space program by jettisoning everything into the sun. New research will identify genetic predisposition towards “liking the Beatles” and we will have the scourge promptly isolated and engineered out of the human genome.

    -Anti-Beatle Intelligence organizations will be given not-very-special powers to detain without charge indefinitely, interrogate and torture with impunity (render), and kill anyone suspected of ever having been a “Beatles” fan. Anyone deemed potentially “at risk” of ever becoming a “Beatles” fan will be shot on site.

    The Tribunal hasn’t forgotten you snivelling lifelong faithful devotees who will be flushed out of the woodwork in their masses to line up like lemmings for a public love-in with their little round glasses, Chinese vox amps and crappy reissue guitars to get shot in the head as “Beatle martyrs”. I think I’ll draft in Chapman for that job.

    When I see an old “Beatles” record, I buy it, no matter what cost, take it home and destroy it. Gone.
    I would encourage other BeatleHaters to do the same. Original pressings are a finite resource and can be eradicated, just like original Beatles fans… This is a war of attrition. This fight we can win.
    Destruction of Re-issue vinyl just makes money for BeatleMart. They can punch the shit out faster than we can burn it.

    Phil Spector, the most tragic Beatles fan of all, and other nutcases like him are the only reason that I regrettably cannot put my name to my beloved work.
    Do not doubt the purity and strength of my hatred for all things “Beatles”. The fight goes on.
    Anonymous.

  9. Das Post author

    Thanks Grand Inquisitor, this is a very honorable proposal. I’m very impressed with your method of buying and destroying old records. Perhaps we can all pitch in and buy some high profile rarities and film their destruction for the sniveling masses.

    My problem is with terminating the remaining beats (aside from the whole murdering people thing)and outlawing their detestable music. Although this appears to be the perfect solution on the surface and something we can all get behind, the truth is that it will serve to not only deify the remaining beats but rescue them from the musical mucus they’ve mired themselves in for the past 40 years. People will suddenly forget that this unlistenable drivel was written by talentless, greedy egotistical hacks, and if it’s possible – bolster their popularity! They’ll be taught in the churches and temples! Virgins will be sacrificed, beatlemart will rule supreme! THE HORROR!

    (a slight exaggeration…or is it? http://suckmybeatles.com/2008/07/27/buy-a-beatle-album-for-christ)

    Secondly, banning the music, as glorious as that would be, will drive it underground where it will flourish with outlaw cool. When it gets sent underground, it should be in a hole in the desert alongside the Atari 2600 ET video game.

    Thanks again, I like the way you think.

  10. Norcs

    Grand Inquisitor, you should get your last post on to Amazon and watch the reaction. In fact, I think I’ll be able to see Beatless fans from here, heads exploding with rage!!

  11. Norcs

    Grand Inquisitor, do you mind if I take your 2010 A Space Odyssey piece and post it onto Amazon?

    I could see a few people getting riled at that.

  12. GODSBEATLES' FUN

    WAS YOUR OWN MAMA LISTENING THE BEATLES??!!!…..OH LET ME TELL YOU THE ANSWER……!THE ANSEWR IS YES…!!!!!IS YOUR MAMA A WHORE BECAUSE OF THE BEATLES???……..THINK ABOUT THE ANSWER BY YOURSELF………………………………..SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAKE YOUR DICK AND PUT IT INTO YOUR OWN ASSHOLE….MOTHERFUCKER………

    [Hi GODSBEATLES’ FUN, thanks for your insightful comments.
    I didn’t delete your other comments because of the language, I’ve used bad words like ‘beatle’ on here before. All you need is love!
    – Das]

  13. beatleslover?

    Can’t really tell if this is serious or not. I am thinking yes. Strange that people would spend so much time hating. That’s why it makes me think it is a joke of some kind. If you really hate the Beatles (or anything for that matter) why expend so much time and energy toward them. Whatever, never visiting this site again, waste of time, just like those who created it. I think!?!?!?

  14. Dogshit

    Yes beatleslover, Strange that people would spend so much time loving a steaming bowl of soupy shit like the beatles, and the reason we hate them is because it pollutes ALL of the airwaves and won’t go away, like reruns or new shit from Cher. At least she could carry a tune!!!!!

    You’ll be back. It’s like Dem’s and Pubs fighting. It’s more like seeing a tragic blood and gut body mangling car accident. You try to look away, but you just can’t. Or you look away, but you keep looking back in disbelief!

  15. zoyelque

    @dogshit,The Beatles are never gonna go away,just like Moart,keep hating,is useless.

  16. DogShit

    Mozart! You are comparing a fucking musical genius to the beatles who strummed a guitar and beat some drums in two part harmony (off key most of the time with mostly Ringo to blame)and looked like a bunch of panzies!!!!!!??????

    Hey, lets compare Beck to Beethovan next!

    Jesus, where the fuck to they come from Das? I think there is a factory out there making them en masse. Yep, it’s called drug riddled America!

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