Monthly Archives: February 2010

Yellow Suckmarine

What’s short, goofy, and full of semen?

Yellow Submarine

Robert Zemekis has announced plans to resurrect the botched abortion known as Yellow Submarine, promising a brand new, computer animated 3D eyesore. If you remember, after the abominable movie HELP! was unleashed on the public, it was followed by the putrid Magical Mystery Tour, which received incredibly warm reviews, such as this one by the Guardian:

“a kind of fantasy morality play about the grossness and warmth and stupidity of the audience”.

The beatles themselves wanted no part in creating another disastrous cinematic offense. The idea of being involved with this lame new project sounded even less appealing to them than their music does to a normal human being. Unfortunately for all of us, United Artists still had the Fab ones firmly by their pink submarines, and ultimately they had little choice but to step aside and allow another brightly coloured turd to be dropped into the septic tank of beatlemania.

The resulting film was an aimless plot revolving around music written to torture children while assaulting you with spastic, gaudy animation. It has since captured the hearts and minds(?) of deluded fans across the globe…what a surprise.

Due to the bewildering success of the beatles Rock Band game, beatlemart has decided to up the ante again. No longer satisfied with merely repackaging and re-releasing the same albums and DVDs three to four times a year while merchandising their likeness on everything from bath toys to geriatric diapers, they’ve decided to not only dig up and re-release this abysmal celluloid black hole but to remake it as a capture animation Disney movie.

The fans are up in arms; disgusted and appalled that anyone would dare to mess with this masterpiece. They are sure to voice their complaints by lining up overnight for tickets, which will be viciously torn in half…by the ticket taker. The stubs will be violently… sealed in plastic and stored haphazardly beside collectibles which hold the lowest place of honour in their MopTop shrines, the Ringo Starr toilet brush and the McCartney radium based wart remover.

Paul McCartney Wart Remover