You don’t know that the beatles you say is actually you
It’s been a while since our last Fan Mail extravaganza. This is not because of a shortage of messages, but because FF fans seem to share a universal mind and vocabulary. When not writing endless streams of books and articles idolizing this heinous musical abyss, they write to us. In fact, the final message in this post was taken directly from the opening chapter of ‘A Hard Day’s Write: The Stories Behind Every Beatles Song.’
We were asked recently by one of the few coherent folks who write in what percentage of messages are illiterate death threats. Roughly it can be broken down as 94% ignorant rants, 2% intelligible rants, 1% ignorant supporters, 2% intelligible supporters (this last percentage may be exaggerated).
u r an idiot with no taste of music.
We’ve stopped responding to the majority of messages because these people usually leave incorrect contact information (or more likely can’t spell out their email addresses). The time not wasted writing responses has been put to much better use, mainly playing beatle monopoly.
Here’s a slew of recent mail. Please enjoy responsibly
You guys are faggets. You don’t understand music. your brainwashed by this new garbage. You all obviously have no lifes if you make a sight about how the beatles suck and make fucking t-shirts? your fucking retarted
Why do you have to ask me what 4+25 is MOTHERFUCKER! This website sucks, you fucking sucks, the fans here suck. GO FUCK YOURSELF SUCK ASS MOTHERFUCKER AND FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!
FFFUUUUCCCKKK YOU ASSHOLE! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Revolution, Evolution, Masturbation, Flagellation, Regulation, Integrations, mediations, United Nations, congratulations.
What is beatlemart putting in the water these days? Believe it or not, we’re going to give beatlefans the benefit of the doubt and assume the following messages are from outcasts, the Mansons and Chapmans of the community, and not the average fan. Please don’t prove us wrong!
This message comes to us from a 14yr old boy from Idaho:
you damn douches need to just go into a dark ally get jumped by 50,000 beaners and then get raped by a fucking hobo because what u assholes are saying about the beatles is 100% immorally wrong you fucking queers.
LONG LIVE THE BEATLES!!!!!!!
It seems some beatle fans are not only musical fascists lacking a sense of humor, but also bigots, homophobes, racists, and oblivious to irony. If that email offended you, please stop reading right now and look at this happy elephant, cuz it gets a lot worse.
According to popular opinion, anybody who doesn’t like the beatles is a homosexual who lives in his mothers basement. This seems to be the consensus amongst beatarded fans, so if you don’t think the FF walked on water you’d better run out and grab a tube of Astroglide and a Judy Garland album.
Its strange when you’re suddenly forced to realize that your sexual orientation is hinged upon a bunch of Fab sissies singing silly love songs. Who knew?
These homophobic messages usually take two forms:
The hit and run:
You’re all gay!
and who can forget the angry diatribe:
Subject: I have something to tell you homos!!!
You fucking assholes deserve to suffocate on each others shit. You deserve to die moer than that fat lard ass Mark David Chapman. Why dont you faggots do something useful with your time, like suck each other off, instead of trying to make your own pathetic lives seem better by putting down well-respected and very talented individuals.
Honestly, suffocating on it is still preferable to listening to it.
Occasionally, sandwiched between gripping messages like this:
We’ll receive an inspired message that humbles even the most cynical seekers of sanity, causing us to question if this noble crusade is even worth fighting. Not very often mind you, in fact it’s more rare than a good song on Revolver. This is one of those rare gems, it brilliantly chisels away any arguments and leaves you scratching your head in amazement. Myspace is great.
Subject: forget you !!!!!!!
In the name of God, ALLAH, the Father the Son and the Holy
Spirit , I condemn your site as anti Christian. You are just jealous
that Jesus lives. If I lived next door to you youd be pissed off even
more. And furthermore may the USA beat Canada at Hockey in every
olympics in the future. And at the best most manly and exciting sports
in the world :………curling.
I just dont see why you dont like the Beatles. I like Second City
Television, Wayne Gretzky, The Canadian National Anthem, all Canadians
and the whole Blessed Great White North. And so since it is Christian
to forgive and be nice I cant be mad at you. You have a right. But if
the Beatles were naturally like YOU and YOU were like Them you would
think it was cool. Just like if you born like Chuck Berry or like Kiss
ANyway , I found you on a friend of mine Fuck Shit Piss from Las
Vegas Nevadas Comment site and was so intrigued by this I just wanted
ANd tell you …….and tell you……..awww…..I cant even
remember now……something about…. the Butthole Surfers or
something. Dont ear Yellow Snow My COmrade.
Welcome to Part 2 of our Fan Mail Series.
In contrast to the previous fan mail, this is the other extreme. The type two are the folks who don’t want us to ‘go be died from kansur,‘ they want us to see the light, and rejoice in the beauty and wonder of the beatles. Do you know what happens if you light a match in a pit full of manure?
What follows is an excellent example of some very basic propaganda methods which are commonly used to bolster and validate the FF‘s reputation and convince the unaware that the beatles were not only the greatest band in history, but demi-gods.
This message primarily uses the techniques of Faulty Logic, Diversion, Repetition and Falsehoods. All of these arguments are completely irrelevant, but we’ll try and go through and point what is going on behind some of these statements. We’ve tried to cover up to the Bob Kulick section, where the formula of spitting out names and distorted facts becomes blatantly obvious. Honestly, we still haven’t made it to the end of this message. If anybody wants to take a crack at some of these facts we’ll update and credit accordingly.
This poor, misguided individual actually seems to believe this drivel. At least they’ve put a lot of time and effort into compiling this message. Unfortunately for her, it may be too late to extinguish that match.
Welcome to our newest feature, Fan mail aka: If everybody hates you, you must be doing something right.
We’ve had plenty of requests to share some of the messages received from our more eloquent detractors. After wading through hundreds of emails consisting of variations on the theme, ‘You’se guys are stupids! LOL! How come you not die?ROTLFLMA!‘ We’ve selected a few masterpieces to give you an idea of what the average beatle fan thinks, where they’re coming from, and their opinion of our work. A glimpse into the mind of what we’re up against.
Without further ado, here’s the first letter from our series. This one came to us through our Myspace account. In this young mans defense, he did come around and see a glimmer of light at the end of the FF dungeon.
*Please note: spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left in their original form. If anyone cares to submit an English translation please get in touch with us via the contact page -Das*
Subject: man you must have a good life
your so fucked up you must cut down the greatist progreshion in music since cave men beat on crap to make drum beats john lennon said that they where beter known than the god not beatler than god and they where more people at that time knew of the beatles than of god so that argument is bull shit the beatles are funier than you tough stop bitching about it george harrison divoted his life to music and did a lot for the world and your a jackass for malesting the cover to let it be. paule micartney is well within the ranks of the best modern conposers dont believe me listine to wings live and let die very carfully then reconsider you opinion. john lennon did more for the anti vietnam movent then other single artist wich probably does not concern you because from the sound of it you are one of thous nazis who like to send americas youth off forcefully tword iminate death because of net picky political crap. mind you he was protesting will the president himself was looking four an excuse to have him deported because he was afraid that john whould potentialy threten the publices opinion on his personal war excuse me i cant call it a war, police action and yes john hade a drug problem but to conplety disrespect one of the world finest musicians because of your bias bullshit especialy sence lennon managed to break his harowin adiction [if you could have enouf self controll to break a harowin adiction i will eat my keyboard] and tell his son he was a smelly hippie you fucking asshole i am two pissed to take the time to talk about ringo right know but if you have a problem with the beatle kicking you ass at life send me a message of all you conplants and i will adress them personaly untill then dont be a your an asshole