Category Archives: -FF Conspiracy theories

Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

Beatle Thumbs up overtakes Vatican bums up

In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

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Reason #663 – Fixing a Hair

Breaking News!

Thanks to SMB another devious FF plot was recently foiled in London.
Gorringes Auction House put on the auction block a lock of the late beatle John Lennon’s hair. The fab follicles were sold to an unnamed bidder for the hefty sum of $48,000 USD. This isn’t surprising, as just this summer one of Paul McCartney’s shoelaces sold for $20,000 USD. Apparently they were from the very same shoes he didn’t wear on the cover of Abbey Road. Now thats a slice of history.

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Reason # 879 – Here comes the Moon

JG Thirlwell, the mastermind behind Foetus, once sang:

Complainin bout ma campaign against personal decency
I got no excuses
Just rules wrapped in barbed wire, laced with busted glass
(Yeah, I’m the one who gave the sandwich to Mama Cass)

Pretty ironic for a fat lady to choke on a ham sandwich, its given food to satirists for years.

Unfortunately, its not true. Mama Cass Elliot, of Mamas and the Papas fame, died after two sold-out performances at the London Palladium to standing ovations. When she retired to her flat at No.12 at 9 Curzon Place, she suffered heart failure and passed away in her sleep. There was a partially eaten ham sandwich found in her room, which led to the misconception.

It makes you wonder how such a straight story turned into a joke at the expense of the memory of this performer. Even after the coroner declared her death the result of natural causes, and an official report was issued, the legend continued to propagate. Its almost as if somebody was trying to distract the public from a bigger story.

Lets take a look at some random facts.

This wasn’t the only strange incident to occur at flat No.12 at 9 Curzon Place. A little over four years later Keith Moon died in the same room, on the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death. On Sept 7, 1978 Keith Moon was invited to be Paul McCartney’s guest for the film premiere of The Buddy Holly Story, and after the movie they went to a dinner party. Afterwards he retired to the flat and overdosed on Clomethiazole, a medication taken as part of a program to wean him off alcohol. Thirty-two undissolved pills were found in his stomach.

This unlucky flat was owned by Henry Nilsson, a personal friend of John Lennon. The flat was in close proximity to Apple headquarters and was decorated by a design company owned by Ringo Starr. Keith Moon gave Ringo’s son, Zak, his first professional drum kit. Zak idolized Moon’s playing, and against his fathers wished became a drummer. Later he went on to work on some albums produced by John Entwistle, and finally replace Moon as The Who’s drummer.

According to Pete Townshend, “Keith used to be a kind of musical godfather to him. He gave him his first drum kit, which I think is rather strange. Ringo may have actually given him his first drum kit, but I think Keith gave him the first drum kit that he really wanted. It had nude women on it.”

Nilsson also starred with Moon in a rock’n’roll horror film called ‘Son of Dracula.’ Its known as one of the worst horror-comedy-rock movies ever made, and was produced by Ringo Starr. Ironically, it also starred another ill-fated powerhouse drummer, John Bonham.

Its an odd collection of facts when placed together, and to be completely out of character we aren’t going to draw any conclusions. The mysterious hand of the FF is everywhere, and nowhere.

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To learn more about Foetus:
Link to the official site

Reason #254 – The Letter ‘B’

Gary Hall (more on this brilliant mind later, please be patient) devised an incredibly simple, yet very effective method for dealing with beatle fans; The Nursery Rhyme Test. In a nutshell, this is intended to quickly place any FF song in context. Ask the obsessed one to play any beatle song at their disposal, and the moment the song finished, sing a line from ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep.’ Have them play another number, then sing a line from ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’ Continue until it dawns on the fan that the beatles were not only lyrically inferior, but also melodically inferior, to the standard nursery rhyme.

I’d like to take the Nursery Rhyme analogy one step further.

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Reason # 802 – John Lennon’s Tits

According to the bespectacled prophet of love, the song ‘Girl’ from Rubber Soul was written at a time when he opposed christianity and this song was intended to attack catholic values using a thinly disguised combination of lust and disgust.

I’ve been pouring over this masterpiece and have been having a bit of trouble making the connection. The best I can come up with is that he was trying to attack catholics by forcing them to listen to one of the worst guitar breaks in history. I suppose the two guitars used in this section might represent good, and the playing might represent bad, thus thrusting a satanic world view onto unsuspecting youth, instigating and propelling chaos and disorder…but I think thats giving it a little too much credit.

The reason for mentioning this song is a little more sinister. Prior to McCartney’s Hey Jude debacle, this was another irresponsibly disastrous moment in widespread media manipulation. It was with this song the the FF single-handedly breastified the world.

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Reason # 669 – Cult of the sacred Moustache

Througout history the moustache has adorned the faces of some of the greatest minds, artists, political and military leaders; as well as some of the worlds most infamous and horrendous mass murderers.

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Is it any coincidence that these historic individuals all had facial hair?
Its been said in hushed whispers that behind every moustache is member of a secret society, they identify each another and communicate with various strokes, brushes and twirls. This group (which shall remain unnamed) traces its origins back to the time of the Pharoh’s.

After WWII and the fall of Hitler, the moustache immediately fell out of fashion, its power contaminated by an evil and negative energy. The underground society itself shunned its use, changing its methods and biding its time until they were safe to return to the hairy fold. This left the moustache alone and unadornable, seeking out new victims with its siren song of success.

For a while the world was a safer place. That is until the fateful year 1966 when the beatles embarked on recording of Sgt Pepper. At this time John wasn’t contributing many songs, George was silenced , and Ringo was Ringo. This left Paul alone to write the majority of the album. Finally the pressure grew to be too great for the surprised looking one and he began writing songs like When I’m 64. He realized he couldn’t do it by himself. He needed help of the most evil kind.

It was at this time the beatles fell under the spell of the moustache society, seen here draped in the customary ceremonial garbs, complete with pink slippers and the mystical orange fedora with green feather. Its hard to tell from this angle if John and George are performing the twin thumbs ritual of the anus on Paul, of if thats just the way he looks:

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Here’s another rare photo, taken shortly after the release of Sgt Pepper the FF is seen sending a secret message. Notice Ringo’s horrified gaze as he realizes what he’s done:

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Harnessing this ancient magic the moptops eagerly entered the studio, armed the the teeth. 129 days later, the mission was over and never again would the four wear whiskers at the same time, its power too intense too keep under control.

Even though the FF had shorn its shaggy shackles, the power of the ‘stache still held sway over this release. Critics suddenly lost their minds. The Times critic Kenneth Tynan described Sgt. Pepper as “a decisive moment in the history of Western civilization.” Geoffrey Stokes noted, “listening to the Sgt. Pepper album one thinks not simply of the history of popular music but the history of this century.”

Timothy Leary went as far as to proclaim, “I declare that the beatles are divine messiahs. The wisest, holiest, most effective Avatars that the human race has yet produced. My thesis is a simple one. It is my contention that John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney and Ringo Start are mutants, prototypes of a new young race of laughing Freemen. Evolutionary agents sent by god, endowed with the mysterious power to create a new human species.”

The power was truly out of control. By the thousands people heard this musical incantation and suddenly began to sprout beards, hair grew longer, women grew armpit hair, even ordinary carpets turned into shag rugs seemingly overnight. Burt Reynolds was getting work. Something had to be done.

The few remaining minds of the music community who were unscathed got together realized there wasn’t much time left, and decided there was only course of action. It wasn’t going to be pleasant, and it was going to forever alter the state of music.

To bring the world back from the brink of destruction they choose six soldiers brave and strong enough to absorb and transform the energy, dispersing it into dancing crowds in the form of endorphines, forever muting its effect.

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This is how the beatles were responsible for disco.

Reason # 9847 – Michael Jackson -vs- the Fab Four

In 1985 Michael Jackson purchased the rights to over two hundred beatle songs, trumping a joint bid by McCartney and Yoko Ono. Almost instantly the intense evil over-powered his gentle mind.

Instead of destroying these vile tracts by throwing them into a live volcano as was his original intention, he hid them away in the darkness of his Neverland dungeon, and just as suddenly as he had surprised the remaining FF with his coup; it was over for this courageous soul.

Succumbing to the call of a deeper and more sinister style of bubblegum pop than he had ever imagined, these songs began to transform him. He secluded himself in the darkness, and as his will grew weaker their power over him became complete. They warped his body and soul, and in the end ultimately slipped out of his grasp and found a way to get back to their dark masters.

This disastrous event didn’t go unnoticed. Fans grew concerned after his mysterious absence from the music scene. When he finally re-emerged due to public pressure, his supporters were horrified. When Jackson was questioned about his surreal deformities he nervously quipped back, ‘it’s a rare skin disease, you’re ignorant.’

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Does this story sound familiar? It should.

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This age old fable was recently made into a 37 hour movie by Peter Jackson.

Its the story of Smeagol, an unfortunate hobbit who happened upon the ring of the dark lord Sauron. Its malign influence took control, twisted his body and mind and prolonged his life well beyond its natural limits. He descended into the dark caves beneath the Misty Mountains, when he finally emerged he was almost as bad off as Michael Jackson.

The similarities between these two stories are uncanny. Just as every culture has a fable about a flood, every culture also has a tale such as this pervasive evil. Tolkien may have cleaned up his version because the real truth is far too ugly for most people to confront. Mark our words, there will be many more stories like this until the reign of the FF has ended, only then will these dark days come to pass.

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Reason # 5173 George Harrison, the silenced Beatle?

In the years since George Harrison’s passing, more and more evidence has come to light that points to a growing conspiracy coming from within the FF ! It’s starting to look as if Harrison was not the quiet beatle which you’ve been led to believe, but the subversive beatle who was silenced through threats, humiliation and torture.

In the early days Harrison was told to just shut up and play his guitar, to speak only when spoken to, and forced to memorize stock responses for the press. Although he wrote his own material, songs were given to him with instructions governing what and when to sing.

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The first time the FF relented and gave him an opening was in ’63 when they recorded his song Don’t Bother Me. This fluffy little victory gave him the confidence he needed to begin seeding his message to the masses.

At first he was encouraged to write for each album. This came to a head a short time later in ’65 when he wrote Think For Yourself. Not only was this an anti-establishment song which interrupted their plan for pretending to be anti-establishment when their cuteness wore off, it also tried to tell people to think for themselves. This is against everything the FF stood for! If people began to think for themselves, who would buy their albums?

The next album turned out to be Revolver. Harrison somehow managed to sneak Taxman, a blatantly anti-government song, into the sessions. The rest of the group was so threatened they decided it was time to silence this mole. In an effort to make him quit the group, Paul took his guitar and re-recorded the famous intro lick to the song when Harrison was sent out to pick up fish and chips. The ploy didn’t work and Harrison persevered. This is also the point where Lennon refused to contribute to any more of Harrison’s songs.

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I Want to Tell You was written shortly after this incident, but what he was trying to tell us was somehow subverted before it left the studio and the message was lost. Sensing the impending danger Harrison began to fear for his life and muted the messages he was trying to send to the world.
The desire to drive him out or shut him up escalated. Harrison (and Starr for that matter) received only 1.6% of all FF royalties; this included his own songs, while John and Paul each got a hefty 30%. This was mentioned in Harrison’s Only A Northern Song, much to the amusement of the other now rich beatles.

There’s a plethora of previously undocumented information now coming to light, and the truth will soon be known. Just what was he trying to tell us? What kinds of hell was he submitted to? Only time will tell, but rest easy knowing the full story will soon be discovered. SMB is on the case.

Reason # 6391 “Please Displease Me”

In 1962 Paul wrote ‘I saw her standing there’ about a girl he saw…standing there.
In 1963 the debut album ‘Please Please Me’ was released, the same year John F Kennedy was assassinated.

Coincidence?

Take a closer look:

John Lennon’s middle name was Winston after Winston Churchill, and one brief year later Churchill was also dead.
Then suddenly, 37-year-old Medgar Evers is murdered in Jackson, Mississippi. Pope John XXIII dies, as well as Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis. President Johnson escalates American’s military involvement in the Vietnam War. An earthquake in Libya destroys the village of Barce leaving 500 dead. A hurricane and resulting Tsunami cause Flooding in East Pakistan Bangladesh killing 22,000.A large cloud resembling the face of Jesus is seen on Sunset Mountain, Arizona. A Buddhist monk commits self-immolation. A smallpox outbreak in Stockholm, Sweden. In Japan, a coal mine explosion kills 458 and sends 839 carbon monoxide poisoning victims to the hospital and a triple train disaster kills 161. The cruise ship Lakonia burns 180 miles north of Madeira, with the loss of 128 lives.

The devestation unleashed by this album was far reaching and incredible.

And then out of nowhere Iron Man, Thor, Ant Man, the Wasp and Hulk assemble for the first time.

Thats some coincidence.

Also on this album was the title track, ‘Please Please Me,’ an overt sexual invitation penned by Lennon which was based on a song his mother used to sing to him as a child.

Recite these lyrics aloud three times while staring into a mirror with the lights out. If you dare.

Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Please please me.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.

Now try this simple equation:

Oedipus+complex=?

The horror.

Reason # 254 – My Stupid Face

 

 

Some may argue that Paul has a great voice, but nobody can argue that he has a stupid face.

 

You can follow the stupidification progress chronologically by looking at the album covers and watch the transformation from a mildly normal looking youth, to the surprised Beatle.

By the time of Revolver and later Yellow Submarine the band was drawing or painting him, on Sgt Pepper and Magical Mystery costumes and disguises, were used but it was too late.

 

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His famous, “crumpet up the butt” look was seen on the cover of so many magazines, posters and movie screens that when the beatles finally broke up, not even John and Yoko’s hairy bushes could save him from his face.

 

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You’ve gotta Hand it to Paul, some grow old gracefully, some grow old and ugly, but with the Help! of plastic surgeons and hair dye Paul has managed to remain stupid looking for over 40 years.