In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

I think we can all agree with the Vatican that beatle songs seem distant and meaningless.

The strange thing here is not only the motivation behind this act, but also the speed at which the Vatican has forgiven the moptops for their deplorable behavior. Galileo was branded a heretic and sentenced to life imprisonment. His fiendish crimes included inventing the telescope and claiming the earth revolved around the sun. It took more than 400 years for the Catholic church to forgive him, and it’s unsure if they ever accepted his ‘Earth Is Round’ theory.

It may just be that the Vatican has embarked upon a pop culture crusade, using the beatles as a fiendish new instrument of torture. If so, I believe it’s safe to long for the good ole days of the Pear of Anguish, a far more humane way to be persecuted.

The horrifying truth is that not even the Vatican was prepared for the consequences which followed the sanctification of beatlemart and their mighty suckubus.

The beatles were officially forgiven on the weekend of April 10th, 2010. Hours later, the sleeping giant Eyjafjallajökull erupted, spewing molten rock, a towering wall of ash, dust and steam into the air, decimating economic, political and cultural activities in Europe and across the world.

This rare photograph of Eyjafjallajökull was buried by the Vatican.

A few days later, the Deepwater Horizon exploded, resulting in the largest marine oil spill in history.

Once again, the Vatican refused to allow this photo to be published.

What can be done to stop beatlemart from stealing your soul, destroying the air in your lungs and the soil beneath your feet, or even worse: re-releasing Let it Be again, is unknown. Please stay tuned for updates and we’ll do our best to advise you how to survive beatlegeddon.

For more information see:

Buy a beatle Album for Christ
I Heal Fine
John Lennon’s Tits
Please Displease Me

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Thanks to SMB another devious FF plot was recently foiled in London.
Gorringes Auction House put on the auction block a lock of the late beatle John Lennon’s hair. The fab follicles were sold to an unnamed bidder for the hefty sum of $48,000 USD. This isn’t surprising, as just this summer one of Paul McCartney’s shoelaces sold for $20,000 USD. Apparently they were from the very same shoes he didn’t wear on the cover of Abbey Road. Now thats a slice of history.

The troublesome thing about this auction is the fact that the winner still remains unnamed, and the memorabilia in question is from the actual body of an FF member. We knew instantly upon hearing about this that there was something fishy afoot, so we decided to put our investigative powers to work and unearth the real truth before it was too late. Our objectives were to discover exactly what was for sale, who these unnamed mystery bidders were, and what they planned to do with this hominidae fiber.

It didn’t take long to get answers. The hair in question was undeniably from Lennon, and it came with a book full of useless scribbles. Our mole, posing as a special beatles memorabilia forensic analyst, had a chance to examine the hair before it was sold, and just in the nick of time managed to remove a tiny bit of scalp found clinging to the papilla of a single hair. We had answers. Up for grabs wasn’t a paltry lock of hair, it was Lennon’s DNA!

If this had fallen into the wrong hands it could have meant the end of the world as we know it. Armies of mutant Lennon clones, new recordings, more Starbucks releases…its horrifying to even think what else had been planned, but we suspect it was something like this:

Now that disaster had been averted we needed to find out who so desperately wanted this DNA. A quick glance at the registry revealed that the majority of the bidders were largely the same braindead sycophantic millionaire beatleheads who had previously bid on the aforementioned shoelace, with one exception: Dr Herbert West.

If that name sounds familiar it probably means you’ve read the H.P. Lovecraft novella Dr. Herbert Wells – Re-animator, the sweet tale of a mad scientist obsessed with bringing the dead back to life. Cute alias, and in retrospect it would have been very ironic had the plan not been foiled. At the time of this writing we still haven’t been able to identify the true culprits behind this fiendish plot, and the only thing we have to go on is a blurred image captured on surveillance cameras shortly after the auction ended. You be the judge.

To learn more about H.P. Lovecraft.

To learn more about Hair

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Pretty ironic for a fat lady to choke on a ham sandwich, its given food to satirists for years.

Unfortunately, its not true. Mama Cass Elliot, of Mamas and the Papas fame, died after two sold-out performances at the London Palladium to standing ovations. When she retired to her flat at No.12 at 9 Curzon Place, she suffered heart failure and passed away in her sleep. There was a partially eaten ham sandwich found in her room, which led to the misconception.

It makes you wonder how such a straight story turned into a joke at the expense of the memory of this performer. Even after the coroner declared her death the result of natural causes, and an official report was issued, the legend continued to propagate. Its almost as if somebody was trying to distract the public from a bigger story.

Lets take a look at some random facts.

This wasn’t the only strange incident to occur at flat No.12 at 9 Curzon Place. A little over four years later Keith Moon died in the same room, on the anniversary of Buddy Holly’s death. On Sept 7, 1978 Keith Moon was invited to be Paul McCartney’s guest for the film premiere of The Buddy Holly Story, and after the movie they went to a dinner party. Afterwards he retired to the flat and overdosed on Clomethiazole, a medication taken as part of a program to wean him off alcohol. Thirty-two undissolved pills were found in his stomach.

This unlucky flat was owned by Henry Nilsson, a personal friend of John Lennon. The flat was in close proximity to Apple headquarters and was decorated by a design company owned by Ringo Starr. Keith Moon gave Ringo’s son, Zak, his first professional drum kit. Zak idolized Moon’s playing, and against his fathers wished became a drummer. Later he went on to work on some albums produced by John Entwistle, and finally replace Moon as The Who’s drummer.

According to Pete Townshend, “Keith used to be a kind of musical godfather to him. He gave him his first drum kit, which I think is rather strange. Ringo may have actually given him his first drum kit, but I think Keith gave him the first drum kit that he really wanted. It had nude women on it.”

Nilsson also starred with Moon in a rock’n'roll horror film called ‘Son of Dracula.’ Its known as one of the worst horror-comedy-rock movies ever made, and was produced by Ringo Starr. Ironically, it also starred another ill-fated powerhouse drummer, John Bonham.

Its an odd collection of facts when placed together, and to be completely out of character we aren’t going to draw any conclusions. The mysterious hand of the FF is everywhere, and nowhere.

To learn more about Foetus:
Link to the official site

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I’d like to take the Nursery Rhyme analogy one step further.

Its no secret that McDonald’s advertising is geared towards children, in North America more kids can sing the lyrics to the Big Mac jingle than can recite the national anthem. Don’t worry, this isn’t another McBeatle’s post.

It’s frightening that a stupid little jingle about lettuce and cheese has ingrained itself into these open little minds so deeply. Think about it, this jingle hit the airwaves in 1975 and ran for a year and a half. Thats 30 years its been off the air! The kids, who who are now adults, still remember and teach it to their own children. It resurfaces occasionally and subliminally in newer ads, but only to make sure its still propagating itself.

Sound familiar?

We’ve briefly covered beatlemania, and described how the public was overwhelmed by the massive advertising assault of the FF. That was only the first wave. The second phase began roughly the same time the beatles broke up, and ironically, around the same time the Big Mac jingle campaign was first aired. Recognizing that there weren’t going to be anymore new albums (haha!) by the music worlds favorite commodity, the powers that be needed to find some way to encourage a new generation of consumers to buy records that were becoming less and less relevant with each passing day. Remember the Pet Rock? What about Strawberry Alarm Clock or the Electric Prunes?

They needed fresh blood, and set out to create a brand new market by programming them from an early age. They found the perfect vehicle, disguised as educational kids television.

Sesame Street had a band of puppets named ‘The Beetles’ who sang songs like: Hey Food and Letter ‘B.’ Also appearing alongside of these on episodes and various albums were tunes like With a little Yelp from My friends, All Together Now and I wanna hold your ear. The modern nursery rhyme was born, the songs pounded and drilled into these poor children’s heads with the subtlety of an atomic bomb.

What about the children who were too old for this pre-school show? There were still allowances and paper routes to collect on, they couldn’t be left out of the equation. The next syringe to be forced into the public mainline appealed to everyone from pre-school to old school and was aired during adult prime time:

Yes, Jim Henson’s puppets and corporate puppets, together at last!

Taking it one step further, The Muppets released albums, appeared on talk shows performing FF tunes, went on tour, and Kermit the Frog even performed alongside Paul McCartney to celebrate the Golden Jubilee for Queen Elizabeth II. Sgt Floyd Pepper, leader of the Electric Mayhem, led his band of muppets through a revolting slew of sing-a-long-with-the-fab-four material. Even today its rumored that McCartney is going to be involved with a Muppet reunion TV extravaganza.

I think Kermie even helped out on his new album!

Try and keep this in mind when dealing with a deranged FF fan. Its not entirely their fault, they’ve been controlled and conditioned from a very early age to become the beatletrons they are today.

Just like Pavlov said.

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I’ve been pouring over this masterpiece and have been having a bit of trouble making the connection. The best I can come up with is that he was trying to attack catholics by forcing them to listen to one of the worst guitar breaks in history. I suppose the two guitars used in this section might represent good, and the playing might represent bad, thus thrusting a satanic world view onto unsuspecting youth, instigating and propelling chaos and disorder…but I think thats giving it a little too much credit.

The reason for mentioning this song is a little more sinister. Prior to McCartney’s Hey Jude debacle, this was another irresponsibly disastrous moment in widespread media manipulation. It was with this song the the FF single-handedly breastified the world.

Prior to this albums release the average female was content to go to the hairdresser, or simply put on a little makeup to spiffy herself up in order to impress her respectful boyfriend. Mysteriously, by the mid-70’s the petite frame of young women was no longer enough. Natural curves and small breasts previously admired by all were suddenly shunned as plastic surgeons and hormone therapy worked furiously to augment these poor girls into huge breasted mutants in order to satisfy a boob crazed public.

The metamorphosis of our once lovely young women and the freakish new desires of young males can be traced back to this devious little ditty. What started out as an experiment in subliminal messages nearly destroyed mankind with its message of boobicide.

Now to the song in question, listen closely to the backing vocals at approx 1:00 and see if you can hear anything out of the ordinary that should be adorned with a nipple. If you can do it, try and listen to the aforementioned guitar break at approx 1:59. Do you feel like killing the Pope now? Just curious.

When questioned about his motive behind adding these vocals to the song Lennon merrily responded,’We needed a filler word, and ‘Tit’ was as good as any other.”

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Is it any coincidence that these historic individuals all had facial hair?
Its been said in hushed whispers that behind every moustache is member of a secret society, they identify each another and communicate with various strokes, brushes and twirls. This group (which shall remain unnamed) traces its origins back to the time of the Pharoh’s.

After WWII and the fall of Hitler, the moustache immediately fell out of fashion, its power contaminated by an evil and negative energy. The underground society itself shunned its use, changing its methods and biding its time until they were safe to return to the hairy fold. This left the moustache alone and unadornable, seeking out new victims with its siren song of success.

For a while the world was a safer place. That is until the fateful year 1966 when the beatles embarked on recording of Sgt Pepper. At this time John wasn’t contributing many songs, George was silenced , and Ringo was Ringo. This left Paul alone to write the majority of the album. Finally the pressure grew to be too great for the surprised looking one and he began writing songs like When I’m 64. He realized he couldn’t do it by himself. He needed help of the most evil kind.

It was at this time the beatles fell under the spell of the moustache society, seen here draped in the customary ceremonial garbs, complete with pink slippers and the mystical orange fedora with green feather. Its hard to tell from this angle if John and George are performing the twin thumbs ritual of the anus on Paul, of if thats just the way he looks:

Here’s another rare photo, taken shortly after the release of Sgt Pepper the FF is seen sending a secret message. Notice Ringo’s horrified gaze as he realizes what he’s done:

Harnessing this ancient magic the moptops eagerly entered the studio, armed the the teeth. 129 days later, the mission was over and never again would the four wear whiskers at the same time, its power too intense too keep under control.

Even though the FF had shorn its shaggy shackles, the power of the ’stache still held sway over this release. Critics suddenly lost their minds. The Times critic Kenneth Tynan described Sgt. Pepper as “a decisive moment in the history of Western civilization.” Geoffrey Stokes noted, “listening to the Sgt. Pepper album one thinks not simply of the history of popular music but the history of this century.”

Timothy Leary went as far as to proclaim, “I declare that the beatles are divine messiahs. The wisest, holiest, most effective Avatars that the human race has yet produced. My thesis is a simple one. It is my contention that John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney and Ringo Start are mutants, prototypes of a new young race of laughing Freemen. Evolutionary agents sent by god, endowed with the mysterious power to create a new human species.”

The power was truly out of control. By the thousands people heard this musical incantation and suddenly began to sprout beards, hair grew longer, women grew armpit hair, even ordinary carpets turned into shag rugs seemingly overnight. Burt Reynolds was getting work. Something had to be done.

The few remaining minds of the music community who were unscathed got together realized there wasn’t much time left, and decided there was only course of action. It wasn’t going to be pleasant, and it was going to forever alter the state of music.

To bring the world back from the brink of destruction they choose six soldiers brave and strong enough to absorb and transform the energy, dispersing it into dancing crowds in the form of endorphines, forever muting its effect.

This is how the beatles were responsible for disco.

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Instead of destroying these vile tracts by throwing them into a live volcano as was his original intention, he hid them away in the darkness of his Neverland dungeon, and just as suddenly as he had surprised the remaining FF with his coup; it was over for this courageous soul.

Succumbing to the call of a deeper and more sinister style of bubblegum pop than he had ever imagined, these songs began to transform him. He secluded himself in the darkness, and as his will grew weaker their power over him became complete. They warped his body and soul, and in the end ultimately slipped out of his grasp and found a way to get back to their dark masters.

This disastrous event didn’t go unnoticed. Fans grew concerned after his mysterious absence from the music scene. When he finally re-emerged due to public pressure, his supporters were horrified. When Jackson was questioned about his surreal deformities he nervously quipped back, ‘it’s a rare skin disease, you’re ignorant.’

Does this story sound familiar? It should.

This age old fable was recently made into a 37 hour movie by Peter Jackson.

Its the story of Smeagol, an unfortunate hobbit who happened upon the ring of the dark lord Sauron. Its malign influence took control, twisted his body and mind and prolonged his life well beyond its natural limits. He descended into the dark caves beneath the Misty Mountains, when he finally emerged he was almost as bad off as Michael Jackson.

The similarities between these two stories are uncanny. Just as every culture has a fable about a flood, every culture also has a tale such as this pervasive evil. Tolkien may have cleaned up his version because the real truth is far too ugly for most people to confront. Mark our words, there will be many more stories like this until the reign of the FF has ended, only then will these dark days come to pass.

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In the early days Harrison was told to just shut up and play his guitar, to speak only when spoken to, and forced to memorize stock responses for the press. Although he wrote his own material, songs were given to him with instructions governing what and when to sing.

The first time the FF relented and gave him an opening was in ’63 when they recorded his song Don’t Bother Me. This fluffy little victory gave him the confidence he needed to begin seeding his message to the masses.

At first he was encouraged to write for each album. This came to a head a short time later in ’65 when he wrote Think For Yourself. Not only was this an anti-establishment song which interrupted their plan for pretending to be anti-establishment when their cuteness wore off, it also tried to tell people to think for themselves. This is against everything the FF stood for! If people began to think for themselves, who would buy their albums?

The next album turned out to be Revolver. Harrison somehow managed to sneak Taxman, a blatantly anti-government song, into the sessions. The rest of the group was so threatened they decided it was time to silence this mole. In an effort to make him quit the group, Paul took his guitar and re-recorded the famous intro lick to the song when Harrison was sent out to pick up fish and chips. The ploy didn’t work and Harrison persevered. This is also the point where Lennon refused to contribute to any more of Harrison’s songs.

I Want to Tell You was written shortly after this incident, but what he was trying to tell us was somehow subverted before it left the studio and the message was lost. Sensing the impending danger Harrison began to fear for his life and muted the messages he was trying to send to the world.
The desire to drive him out or shut him up escalated. Harrison (and Starr for that matter) received only 1.6% of all FF royalties; this included his own songs, while John and Paul each got a hefty 30%. This was mentioned in Harrison’s Only A Northern Song, much to the amusement of the other now rich beatles.

There’s a plethora of previously undocumented information now coming to light, and the truth will soon be known. Just what was he trying to tell us? What kinds of hell was he submitted to? Only time will tell, but rest easy knowing the full story will soon be discovered. SMB is on the case.

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Coincidence?

Take a closer look:

John Lennon’s middle name was Winston after Winston Churchill, and one brief year later Churchill was also dead.
Then suddenly, 37-year-old Medgar Evers is murdered in Jackson, Mississippi. Pope John XXIII dies, as well as Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis. President Johnson escalates American’s military involvement in the Vietnam War. An earthquake in Libya destroys the village of Barce leaving 500 dead. A hurricane and resulting Tsunami cause Flooding in East Pakistan Bangladesh killing 22,000.A large cloud resembling the face of Jesus is seen on Sunset Mountain, Arizona. A Buddhist monk commits self-immolation. A smallpox outbreak in Stockholm, Sweden. In Japan, a coal mine explosion kills 458 and sends 839 carbon monoxide poisoning victims to the hospital and a triple train disaster kills 161. The cruise ship Lakonia burns 180 miles north of Madeira, with the loss of 128 lives.

The devestation unleashed by this album was far reaching and incredible.

And then out of nowhere Iron Man, Thor, Ant Man, the Wasp and Hulk assemble for the first time.

Thats some coincidence.

Also on this album was the title track, ‘Please Please Me,’ an overt sexual invitation penned by Lennon which was based on a song his mother used to sing to him as a child.

Recite these lyrics aloud three times while staring into a mirror with the lights out. If you dare.

Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Please please me.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.

Now try this simple equation:

Oedipus+complex=?

The horror.