Beatlemart strikes again.
It’s sad to see a once proud nation driven into the ground at the hands of a deranged leader. Continue reading
It’s sad to see a once proud nation driven into the ground at the hands of a deranged leader. Continue reading
Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void, hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.
After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.
Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul
Hats off to the Lone Star State!
For over a year brave Texans were forced to suffer under the terrible shadow of the FF regime (details here). Now, finally, one of the darkest chapters in Texas history can be closed.
It began innocently enough, MopTop saturation was little more than an irritation. A pimple on the ass of a thriving music scene. Slowly it began to grow more pervasive, trickling into their culture like hazardous waste seeping from a landfill. Soon it was tainting and watering down vital and innovative music, driving a stake through the heart of the community. Finally, the oppressive beatlemart went too far and decided it was time to destroy and defile the beautiful Texan landscape, completely wiping out any semblance of original or independent thought in the fine people who reside there. Four colossal idols were erected. A testament to the reign of fanatical nostalgia. They towered over the land, shadows spreading fear and bad music across the state.
Angry Texans had reached their breaking point. Annoying honest citizens with limp-wristed musical soda pop is one thing, but to take away freedom, country, and music – beatlemart messed with the wrong people this time. Battle-cries of ‘Remember the Alamo’ rallied citizens and the battle of Summer Street (next to the Target) began and ended in less than 8 minutes, securing Texas independence from FF fascism. The toppled statue of McCartney sent a clear message to the rodents at beatlemart, hopefully one that will deter similar ventures not only in the US, but thoughout the world – Don’t Tread On Us.
Unfortunately there is no footage of the battle, but we suspect it looked something like this:
Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.
The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.
We imagine it looks something like this:
*Warning – Spoilers!*
Stepping down from his throne on Mount OhLoveUs in order to grant the mortals of Ireland Online an interview, for the first time he delivered a testament of truth. Basking in the awe of his godlike status, fans of this formidable skin tapper were moved to tears of joy as he entered the hallowed halls of…well, thats not important. It’s rumored that a reporter in attendance accidentally touched his cloak, and began singing in tongues before scribbling words of wisdom in his gilded Sgt Pepper’s notebook.
People laughed, people scoffed, but a mere two months after we announced our plans for sending beatle fans into space on the Across the Universe Tour, NASA beat us to the quick by launching phase one for themselves. Hats off, drinks are on us!
Their Beatlefication of the universe project is admittedly slightly more advanced than our original idea. They’ve assured a clear passage for the trip by blasting the dreaded FF ditty at the speed of 186,000 miles per second at the star Polaris. As you undoubtedly know, hearing this song at a mere 33 1/3 RPM is enough to send the typical human into convulsions, at this speed the moptop missile will destroy anything in its path. At least anything with a decent ear or sense of taste, leaving the musically challenged beatlehead to tiptoe through the nebulae unfettered. We have only one criticism of their actions, why didn’t they shoot one of the former beatles into space instead?
A Ghastly side-effect, aside from the request that earthlings all play the song in sympathy with the launch, is the ever-quickening disintegration of the already fragile minds of these poor braindead fools standing in line to go on the trip.
A direct quote from the comments page on NASA’s official site:
How befitting that the music of humanity is sung amongst the music of the spheres; how the sound of a generation past shall rest with generations future; of four young lads from Liverpool, amongst the skiffle and the rock n roll, elevated to the galactic neigbourhood and beyond. RIP John & George Amen Om. Well done NASA. Beatlemania at Polaris in 143 years?
Gee, how thoughtful. How eloquent. Kind of makes you wish for instant global annihilation, don’t it?
Beatlemart is finally putting out something of value, a John Lennon Necktie!
In honor of this historic release we’ve designed a new style of knot to accompany it, the Knot Again. This is destined become an incredibly popular fad, like the ZZTop dance or the pet rock. If you want to be cool like all your FF lovin’ pals, you’d better learn how to do it now.
Thanks to SMB another devious FF plot was recently foiled in London.
Gorringes Auction House put on the auction block a lock of the late beatle John Lennon’s hair. The fab follicles were sold to an unnamed bidder for the hefty sum of $48,000 USD. This isn’t surprising, as just this summer one of Paul McCartney’s shoelaces sold for $20,000 USD. Apparently they were from the very same shoes he didn’t wear on the cover of Abbey Road. Now thats a slice of history.
Its just been reported that Liverpool has been overrun with cries to build a statue of the so called fifth beatle, Brian Epstein. This is fantastic news, Liverpool hasn’t erected a new statue of the beatles in nearly a month. Austin, Texas has taken advantage of this sculpting lull by putting up its own towering tribute to the FF, a 36 foot version of the band holding their instruments and looking befuddled. What describes Texas better than a gargantuan edifice deifying an ancient pop band from England?
Starbucks will soon be releasing the John Lennon iTunes video album. Thats right, you can now buy a crappy video with your crappucino! Soon you’ll be able to plop down a measly $25 for a sure-to-be-collectible John Lennon iTunes card that will allow you to download all of John Lennon’s previously released videos.
Finally, you can leave your homes and know at the press of a button, you’ll be able to watch the bespectacled one anytime you need a fix. Whew, what a relief. The company hopes this will also cut down on the cost of dairy as well, because beatleheads will cream in their pants the second they see it.
The release comes hot on the heels of the last FF latte releases, Memory Almost Full, and the only available at Starbucks CD compilation, John Lennon – Remember. Apparently the latter didn’t sell very well due to the title, people read it and remembered they already had seventeen other Lennon Collections. It was still quite popular among the brain-dead, as well as new fans who had never heard of the man (it happened once at a Starbucks in Tristan da Cunha).
This new avenue of revenue is a dream come true for the machine that put the bucks in star. Hit the public when they aren’t awake but still have their wallets open.
Breaking news! The fine folks at Saachi and Saachi have done it again, and just in time for Christmas!
Not content to sit back and bask in the glory of their world-renown diaper commercial The beatles are full of Crap, this brilliant ad company has figured out a way to cash in on a dead man and his love for his wife.
Thats right, straight from the hands of the loved one in question, an unreleased private demo of John’s recording of ‘Real Love’ has suddenly found new meaning.
You guessed it, very soon there will be a beatles hotel opening up in Liverpool called The Hard Day’s Night Hotel.
The $40 million brainchild of Jonathan Davis, a rich bankers son funded by government money, is guaranteed to be a very classy affair.
“There will be subtle and clever references to the Beatles,” said Davies, “But if we have someone staying in the hotel who doesn’t happen to be a Beatles fan then we don’t want to hit them in the face with it. Each of the 110 rooms will have 110 photographs charting the history of the band.”
Good thinking, you wouldn’t want to be too obvious about it. I’m sure lots of innocent tourists will stumble into this Fab Trap seeing the giant guitar logo and have no inkling its a “bouthemed” hotel. Davis invented this word to refer to his endeavor. I’ve invented a word to refer to it as well, retardical.
This isn’t the first beatle themed hotel, believe it or not. Last year fans flocked to the Capitol Tokyu Hotel in Tokyo where the FF stayed in 1966, just to bask in ancient beatle spores. The band only visited Japan once, forty years ago, but dammit, that was enough to have every beatletron with a disposable income zooming across the ocean to get the chance to watch a bunch of dorks in wigs play forty year old songs, while the entire country celebrated this historic event. THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!
God help us.
In an renewed effort to puke out regurgitated fluff at the rate of a new release every five seconds, the fine folks at beatleMart have decided to re-release the unwatchable film, Help!
This digitally remastered nightmare comes with 5.1 audio. Thats right, mono recordings like you’ve never heard them before. But wait, there’s more!
Disc two will feature a short documentary on the making, the restoration, and interviews with the crew. Finally you can see how exciting it is to sit in a dark editing suite, and find out what the gaffers and craft services thought about working on this masterpiece. Hopefully they’ll include an interview with the pair of scissors used to edit this monstrosity, I’d like to hear what kind of drugs it was using at the time.
Unfortunately, this will only appeal to the mediocre fans. Real beatleheads will need to drop a hundred bucks for the Help! (Deluxe Edition) Boxed Set. This includes such mandatory table scraps as:
-Lester’s annotated script. Wow! Who the hell is Lester?
-A poster. Great! There’s nothing like hanging up a poster thats been folded and pressed into a 7″ by 5″ rectangle!
-A 60-page booklet of photos and additional notes on the making of the film. I have to admit these are pretty cool. Thanks to our sources we’ve managed to secure one of these photos for you to preview, the FF relaxing with their loved ones, as well as a sample of one of the production notes.
Sure to be a collectors item soon, unlike the poorly planned beatle anthrax. Get your copy today!
The Royal Mail ground to a halt this month when its workers staged the first nationwide walkout since ’96. As the toll from the strikes mounted, small firms struggled to cope and thousands of missed NHS appointments because hospital letters were stuck at sorting offices, mail order business stocks plummeted, consumers who tried to pay off credit cards and bills by posting cheques were hit by late payment penalties, and an estimated backlog of more than 200 million letters now clog the postal outlets.
The reason for these wildcat strikes seems to revolve around the Governments decision to issue 2007 beatle stamps. It may seem like a mindless way to gouge the ever open wallets of the beatle-brained public, in the process generating some much needed funds to fill the void as more people choose paperless communications, but the reality is far more treacherous. The postal workers knew the deeper truth, and damned if they were going to let it happen again!
Crack open your history books, get a newspaper and a globe, and take a look at the repercussions of what happens when you issue a beatle stamp. The list of countries foolhardy enough to have succumbed to this epidemic is mind-boggling.
Somalia. Angola. Nicaragua. Chad. Zaire. Ghana. War. Unrest. Genocide. Corruption. Crisis. Massacre. Dramatic and horrifying turmoil and upheaval follow these little rectangular papers, causing large scale destruction with a tasty adhesive aftertaste.
So far the valiant postal workers in the UK have stuck to their guns, refusing to abandon dreams of safety, happiness and a world free of the FF menace. They’ve even turned down a pay increase of 6.9 per cent over two years, an extra tea, and the offer of not being treated like ‘slaves.’
Unfortunately, these stamps were issued months ago, so even though we might admire their position, the timing leaves a little to be desired.
Martin Scorsese has been busy shooting some very popular music biographies over the past few years, the likes of which include, Bob Dylan: No Direction Home and The Blues: A musical Journey. He was also in production shooting a documentary on The Rolling Stones, which was mysteriously delayed when it was announced they were making a movie about late beatle George Harrison’s life. It looks like the Stones will have to take a back seat yet again while beatlemart grinds out another gazillion dollar hunk of crap.
Isn’t there another stupid TV show from the 70’s that needs remaking? C’mon Hollywood, think!
The biopic seem to revolve around a recently discovered wealth of vintage footage showing the boring beatle sitting in his garden drinking tea, walking around his estate looking at things, and making pickles. The latter will undoubtedly be the highlight of the film. The official name hasn’t been announced yet but several working titles have been suggested, including; Boring Fellas, Cape Tame and Subdued Bull. The Heinz company is pulling for Subdued Bull, as it will fit in perfectly with the launch for their new campaign, ‘Hey BullDogs.’
No word yet on who is going to play the lead, but unconfirmed sources have pointed to these engaging possibilities:
A slab of wood:
A favorite of Scorcese’s. It’s is rumored that this famous thespian may be in the running to play Harrison. You may scoff, but don’t forget the incredible job he did of making unkempt old Jim Carroll look like a slight ruffled pretty-boy in The Basketball Diaries.
Can you tell the difference?
Perhaps one day Oliver Stone will make a five hour movie explaining this event, and what ultimately drove Scorsese to these horrible ends.
The wonderful folks at Rolling Stone Magazine have once again brought us a comprehensive, impartial and unbiased list aimed at helping 14 year old girls, university students, and wanna be hipsters sound like they know something about music. If you flip through the full page glossy ads bejeweled with anorexic models long enough, you will eventually find an article. Normally, the purpose of these articles seem to be aimed at pushing to you follow in HST’s footsteps, or poking out your eyes with a subscription card so you don’t have to read anymore. Every once in a while there will be one thats really bad.
Surprisingly, I agree with a couple of those choices.
Unfortunately, putting George Harrison on a list of underrated guitar players cancels any credibility this list might have contained. How did they leave out those other underrated guitarists Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughn and Jimi Hendrix!?!
To call one of the most overrated guitarist in history underrated is not just an insult to your intelligence, its a sign that these people don’t even bother trying anymore. I refuse to believe the general public has been conditioned to the point that they need only print the word beatle or mention an FF name and suddenly wallets are flying while we drool and chew our beatle cud.
If I’m wrong, and we’re too late, click here and subscribe:
Why not? You’ll just buy the next remix (scheduled to be out in about five minutes, after that every five minutes for eternity) of Let It Be with that money anyway.