It’s sad to see a once proud nation driven into the ground at the hands of a deranged leader.

The Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper last year cut $45 million in arts funding. His freakish appearance at Ottawa’s National Arts Centre has given horrified Canadians a preview of what the country has to look forward to as a result.

Earlier this year the staunch conservative momentarily spread a message of hope amongst anti-beatites around the world when he denounced ‘the culture of the beatles,’ blaming them for the disintegration of our morals, and helping to create all of the drug addicts in the world. Unfortunately, this incendiary propaganda was merely a ruse intended to disguise his paranoid prohibitionist party and their ‘death to the demon marijuana’ platform.

It’s obvious the all-pervasive fingers of beatlemart slithered tightly around his neck one dark evening, and whispered words of wisdom into his cowering ear. Weeks after declaring war on the most addictive and hateful of all vile drugs (weed?), he’s now gone after music, good taste and common sense by singing a song about…getting high(?).

*warning – don’t watch!*

Click here to view the embedded video.

“Stephen Harper is singing a song about an act, passing a joint, that would under C-15 qualify him for a 6 month Mandatory Minimum prison sentence for ‘trafficking’ marijuana” said Jacob Hunter of the Beyond Prohibition Foundation, “This Conservative government wants to throw people in jail for an act as simple as passing a joint, yet has no problem sending it’s leader out to sing about it; the hypocrisy of this government is astounding”

Read the full story “Hypocrite Stephen Harper Sings About Getting High” at Cannibis Culture.

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Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

The re-release of the entire Beatles album catalogue has unleashed another wave of veneration for the 60s pop band. But could there really be anyone who actively dislikes their music?

James Bond apparently hated The Beatles.

In Goldfinger, he advises Jill Masterson that “drinking Dom Perignon ‘53 above the temperature of 38 degrees” is “as bad as listening to The Beatles without earmuffs”.

The Bond girl’s own verdict on the Fab Four, unfortunately, is not recorded before her untimely demise on the inside of a coating of gold paint.

That was 1964, when 007 may have felt threatened by that year’s global success of The Beatles’ first movie, A Hard Day’s Night.

Beatles for Sale – the new Rock Band game could net $40m for the Beatles

Two years into their recording career and with Beatlemania raging on both sides of the Atlantic though, Bond was going characteristically violently against the prevailing mood. Forty-five years later, four decades after the Fab Four parted ways, his remark would be considered even more extraordinary, almost sacrilegious.

The devotional, feverish excitement over this week’s release of re-mastered versions of all 13 UK Beatles albums highlights the band’s unique, enduring appeal.

The first 50,000 box sets of mono versions of the discs, priced at £170, have already sold out, according to record company EMI.

Saturation media coverage to mark the release of the albums, of which an estimated billion copies already reside in record collections worldwide, has been led by the BBC’s “Beatles Week” series of programmes.

The Beatles seem to occupy a uniquely unassailable position in popular culture – everybody loves them. Don’t they?

What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967… I Hate the Beatles website

Not Robert Elms. The author and broadcaster is one of a tiny minority who seem willing to stick their heads above the parapet and rubbish this most sacred of British institutions.

“They did a few things that lots of people liked,” says Elms. “Everybody can like them, from grandma singing along to When I’m Sixty-Four to the little girl singing Yellow Submarine.”

But he adds: “I just think they are either childlike and simple or rather leaden and pompous – one or the other all the time.”

Theirs is a sanitised and anaemic version of American blues-inspired rock and roll, he complains.

“For me they turned something that was once sexy and raw and had roots, into something that was totally soulless, playground sing-along music.”

It’s the sort of talk which risks a midnight knock on the door from Britain’s popular culture thought police.

Guaranteed a place on every Beatles fan’s dartboard – Robert Elms

While he concedes that they did write some good songs, he can list rather more of what he calls The Beatles’ “crimes against music” – Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, Octopus’s Garden.

Elms will not play The Beatles on his BBC London daily radio show, and says feedback from listeners suggests “there is a perhaps relatively small but vociferous group of people” who share his opinion of the band.

In an article for the Glasgow paper The Herald some years ago, author and music critic David Keenan set out to find musicians who shared his dislike of The Beatles – and could find no-one.

“It is a canon that you cannot question,” he says. “Most people actually think you are just doing it for effect, putting on a front, playing the devil’s advocate.”

That this is the usual response is confirmed by Elms, who insists: “I do mean it; it’s not made up.”

Yoko lovers

However, occasionally mocking the supposed greatest band of all time can be “quite fun” as well, he admits.

David Keenan’s favourite Beatle? Yoko Ono

“I think everything that is over-inflated deserves a pin-prick in it occasionally,” Elms says. “How can they be above criticism? That’s ludicrous.”

Nor are the band any more sacred to Keenan, who says: “There is something so incredibly prissy about their music.”

He adds: “I am in such a minority that my favourite Beatle is Yoko Ono; without Yoko’s influence I don’t think there would be any Beatles music I could listen to.”

The avant-garde artist’s influence in the latter stages of The Beatles’ career inspired John Lennon, and in turn Paul McCartney, to new extremes of sonic adventure, he argues.

However, it is the slick pop of the band’s early years that is to blame for the tameness of most UK guitar music today, he insists.

“The Beatles are the absolute curse of modern indie music,” Keenan says.

“Anyone who says they are influenced by The Beatles, alarm bells start to go off; it means they are going to be completely ordinary. It’s about writing this perfectly-crafted music, the classic song – in inverted commas. It’s not about being adventurous.”

Branded a moron

Keenan’s search for likeminded dissenters finally found success, inevitably, on the internet.

‘Phoney Beatlemania’ – Comrade Strummer before entering re-education

The scattered online outposts of anti-Beatles sentiment include Suckmybeatles.com – tag-line: “Let it be …over.”

Sean, who runs the site, says fans’ reactions range from “disbelief” to considering him “downright offensive”.

“At first I’m accused of not knowing their material – usually while it’s being played behind them in Muzak form,” he says. “After I’ve proved that I’m familiar with the music, and that I can spout just as much useless trivia, I’m branded a moron who doesn’t understand music and a dangerous lunatic who should be avoided.”

“Q: What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? A: 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966…” is typical of the witty tone of the I Hate The Beatles! Why don’t you? web page.

But the hate mail these sites apparently attract suggests many Beatles fans fail to see the funny side of having their great heroes abused.

A rare fan

Suckmybeatles.com’s Sean, of Toronto, Canada, even refuses to give his full name, owing, he says, to past death threats.

“I’ve been told the Beatles are all about ‘peace’ and ‘love’ (gimme a break, they’re just a rock and roll band) and in the next sentence [they] threaten me with death,” explains the home page of the site, Help! The Beatles Suck.

Cuddly mop tops with acute pop sensibilities… or insipid pop imperialists

Elms confirms: “On the internet, I can find some people who will hate me to the ends of the Earth because I don’t like their favourite pop group.”

Daily Telegraph music critic Neil McCormick, who calls The Beatles’ work “the most extraordinary musical journey in pop history”, is among those fans sceptical of an opposing view.

“It is a position people adopt because of the universal high regard for them,” he says. “Popular music was in its infancy – with the talents compressed into that group they pulled it in every possible direction.”

The resulting musical diversity to be found between 1962’s Love Me Do and 1970’s The Long and Winding Road includes something for everybody to enjoy, McCormick argues.

“There is a lifetime of music in The Beatles.”

He adds: “If you like popular music of the modern day, to say that you don’t like The Beatles is kind of absurd.

“It is the fount of popular culture.”

Click here to view the article on BBC

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Rubber Sole

After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.

Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul

For over a year brave Texans were forced to suffer under the terrible shadow of the FF regime (details here). Now, finally, one of the darkest chapters in Texas history can be closed.

It began innocently enough, MopTop saturation was little more than an irritation. A pimple on the ass of a thriving music scene. Slowly it began to grow more pervasive, trickling into their culture like hazardous waste seeping from a landfill. Soon it was tainting and watering down vital and innovative music, driving a stake through the heart of the community. Finally, the oppressive beatlemart went too far and decided it was time to destroy and defile the beautiful Texan landscape, completely wiping out any semblance of original or independent thought in the fine people who reside there. Four colossal idols were erected. A testament to the reign of fanatical nostalgia. They towered over the land, shadows spreading fear and bad music across the state.

Angry Texans had reached their breaking point. Annoying honest citizens with limp-wristed musical soda pop is one thing, but to take away freedom, country, and music – beatlemart messed with the wrong people this time. Battle-cries of ‘Remember the Alamo’ rallied citizens and the battle of Summer Street (next to the Target) began and ended in less than 8 minutes, securing Texas independence from FF fascism. The toppled statue of McCartney sent a clear message to the rodents at beatlemart, hopefully one that will deter similar ventures not only in the US, but thoughout the world – Don’t Tread On Us.

Unfortunately there is no footage of the battle, but we suspect it looked something like this:

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Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning – Spoilers!*

Click here to view the embedded video.

The second film is of far greater cultural and historical significance. Three days in the Life come from a recently discovered wealth of John Lennon videos. Nine excruciating hours of it. This surely means eight more films. It shows the former beatle at home doing such incredible things as, brushing his teeth and cooking dinner, as well as more exciting things like walking, sitting and doing chores. Its been called a precursor to reality television. Oh boy, maybe we’ll get to see Lennon eating live maggots while walking barefoot over broken glass!

Luckily for us, at the last minute Yoko intervened and blocked its premiere claiming she didn’t authorize its release. In other words, a candid Lennon would be seen as human, and that could spoil his image. Either way, we are once again in Yoko’s debt. Thank you!

A quote from executive producer Ray F. Thomas puts the importance of this film into focus for us:

Bring your students and peers to witness an important part of history through this incredible educational documentary. It will no doubt inspire and challenge young minds to think differently and make a difference in the world … just as Lennon did.

Professor Tangier, who holds his PHD in Bullshitology, was heartbroken by this tragedy and couldn’t be reached for comment. Don’t worry professor, tomorrow there will be a new film to take your class of beatards to. Maybe they’ll even d-colorize Help! Gee, wouldn’t that be swell?

You can view eight minutes of this controversial new film here, if you have eight minutes you’d like to squander.

*warning – don’t watch*

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Stepping down from his throne on Mount OhLoveUs in order to grant the mortals of Ireland Online an interview, for the first time he delivered a testament of truth. Basking in the awe of his godlike status, fans of this formidable skin tapper were moved to tears of joy as he entered the hallowed halls of…well, thats not important. It’s rumored that a reporter in attendance accidentally touched his cloak, and began singing in tongues before scribbling words of wisdom in his gilded Sgt Pepper’s notebook.

Ringo stood before the congregation, slowly raising his magical scepter. He opened his mouth to speak, and the words he uttered fell upon the terrified audience like a plague of flying dung beetles, ‘The beatles turned into an awful band.’ Tears of joy turned into tears of horror and blind rage. Lives were shattered, reduced to a meaningless confetti of memorabilia and warped 45s. A billion empty beatleheads squinted blindly in the harsh light of reality, and wriggled vainly to find cover in their malodorous piles of nostalgia.

Although Ringo finally admitted to the world the truth about the money grubbing fab four’s fraudulent claims to rock pedagogy, he quickly weakened and began to backpedal so quickly that he careened recklessly into the trusty old fall-back, “…because we literally couldn’t hear ourselves over the screaming from the audience.”

Ah, so close. For a brief moment the world made sense. At least Lennon had the balls to stand behind what he said:

Lets end on a note from happier times, here is a rare 1972 image of Ringo granting wishes via Ringovision:

Source: Ireland Online

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Link to the official NASA Story

Their Beatlefication of the universe project is admittedly slightly more advanced than our original idea. They’ve assured a clear passage for the trip by blasting the dreaded FF ditty at the speed of 186,000 miles per second at the star Polaris. As you undoubtedly know, hearing this song at a mere 33 1/3 RPM is enough to send the typical human into convulsions, at this speed the moptop missile will destroy anything in its path. At least anything with a decent ear or sense of taste, leaving the musically challenged beatlehead to tiptoe through the nebulae unfettered. We have only one criticism of their actions, why didn’t they shoot one of the former beatles into space instead?

A Ghastly side-effect, aside from the request that earthlings all play the song in sympathy with the launch, is the ever-quickening disintegration of the already fragile minds of these poor braindead fools standing in line to go on the trip.

A direct quote from the comments page on NASA’s official site:

How befitting that the music of humanity is sung amongst the music of the spheres; how the sound of a generation past shall rest with generations future; of four young lads from Liverpool, amongst the skiffle and the rock n roll, elevated to the galactic neigbourhood and beyond. RIP John & George Amen Om. Well done NASA. Beatlemania at Polaris in 143 years?

Gee, how thoughtful. How eloquent. Kind of makes you wish for instant global annihilation, don’t it?

Reason # 1938 – Across the Universe Tour

In honor of this historic release we’ve designed a new style of knot to accompany it, the Knot Again. This is destined become an incredibly popular fad, like the ZZTop dance or the pet rock. If you want to be cool like all your FF lovin’ pals, you’d better learn how to do it now.

Its actually quite easy once you get the hang of it, just follow these simple instructions and you’ll be the coolest moptop on your block in no time!

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Thanks to SMB another devious FF plot was recently foiled in London.
Gorringes Auction House put on the auction block a lock of the late beatle John Lennon’s hair. The fab follicles were sold to an unnamed bidder for the hefty sum of $48,000 USD. This isn’t surprising, as just this summer one of Paul McCartney’s shoelaces sold for $20,000 USD. Apparently they were from the very same shoes he didn’t wear on the cover of Abbey Road. Now thats a slice of history.

The troublesome thing about this auction is the fact that the winner still remains unnamed, and the memorabilia in question is from the actual body of an FF member. We knew instantly upon hearing about this that there was something fishy afoot, so we decided to put our investigative powers to work and unearth the real truth before it was too late. Our objectives were to discover exactly what was for sale, who these unnamed mystery bidders were, and what they planned to do with this hominidae fiber.

It didn’t take long to get answers. The hair in question was undeniably from Lennon, and it came with a book full of useless scribbles. Our mole, posing as a special beatles memorabilia forensic analyst, had a chance to examine the hair before it was sold, and just in the nick of time managed to remove a tiny bit of scalp found clinging to the papilla of a single hair. We had answers. Up for grabs wasn’t a paltry lock of hair, it was Lennon’s DNA!

If this had fallen into the wrong hands it could have meant the end of the world as we know it. Armies of mutant Lennon clones, new recordings, more Starbucks releases…its horrifying to even think what else had been planned, but we suspect it was something like this:

Now that disaster had been averted we needed to find out who so desperately wanted this DNA. A quick glance at the registry revealed that the majority of the bidders were largely the same braindead sycophantic millionaire beatleheads who had previously bid on the aforementioned shoelace, with one exception: Dr Herbert West.

If that name sounds familiar it probably means you’ve read the H.P. Lovecraft novella Dr. Herbert Wells – Re-animator, the sweet tale of a mad scientist obsessed with bringing the dead back to life. Cute alias, and in retrospect it would have been very ironic had the plan not been foiled. At the time of this writing we still haven’t been able to identify the true culprits behind this fiendish plot, and the only thing we have to go on is a blurred image captured on surveillance cameras shortly after the auction ended. You be the judge.

To learn more about H.P. Lovecraft.

To learn more about Hair

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Its just been reported that Liverpool has been overrun with cries to build a statue of the so called fifth beatle, Brian Epstein. This is fantastic news, Liverpool hasn’t erected a new statue of the beatles in nearly a month. Austin, Texas has taken advantage of this sculpting lull by putting up its own towering tribute to the FF, a 36 foot version of the band holding their instruments and looking befuddled. What describes Texas better than a gargantuan edifice deifying an ancient pop band from England?

Liverpool’s lacklustre moptop glorification is becoming more and more apparent, only 999,999 out of every 1,000,000 people even know who the beatles are. Even worse, only 9 out of 10 preschoolers can recite the words to She Said, She Said. What a disgrace. A quick glance at the city reveals thousands of empty corners and unadorned shop windows. Liverpool should be ashamed of itself for letting this festering obsession become nothing more than an unhealthy fixation.

We salute the public demand for a fifth beatle homage, in fact we have the perfect effigy of Brian Epstein for the monument:

We’ll do whatever it takes to help with this noble effort.

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