suckmybeatles.com » -Music and related offenses

The Beatles Suck For Sale

Das — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 00:00:54 +0000

Believe it or not, Beatles for sale is still for sale

The Beatles For Sale, aka: beatles IV, aka: beatles ‘65, found the FF at their burnt out, resentful and cynical best at what might be called ‘the ass end of beatlemania.’ Herded back into the studio with a diamond encrusted cattle prod a mere six days after finishing A Hard Days Night, and reeling from being reamed repeatedly by beatlemart, this Jerry-rigged collection of c-side material is a good example of what can happen when a band is transformed into an ATM machine.

Composed primarily of filler and cover songs, even the FF themselves were somewhat shocked at how low they had sunk. If only they could have known this was merely the beginning! McCartney describe his song “What You’re Doing” as “a bit of filler…. Maybe it’s a better recording than it is a song…” and Lennon later admitted, “Eight Days A Week was never a good song. We struggled to record it and struggled to make it into a song. It was his (Paul’s) initial effort, but I think we both worked on it. I’m not sure. But it was lousy anyway.” Once again, we can’t help but agree with the bespectacled one.

This album is also groundbreaking for containing one of the worst cover songs ever recorded, the nausea inducing Mr. Moonlight. As a whole, this slipshod concoction was so awful that Paul McCartney himself decided not to stamp his feet and hold his breath until the songwriting credits were changed from “Lennon/McCartney” to “McCartney/Lennon” the way he has on other albums.

We realize it’s hard to categorize any specific album by the moptops as bad when faced with the horrific results the rest of their putrescent output has generated. For this reason we’d like to invite beatle fans use this record as inspiration to avoid the entire beatle catalog.

Please think of yourself, good people.

Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people.

-Ferris Beuller

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Yellow Suckmarine

Das — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:59:06 +0000

What’s short, goofy, and full of semen?

Robert Zemekis has announced plans to resurrect the botched abortion known as Yellow Submarine, promising a brand new, computer animated 3D eyesore. If you remember, after the abominable movie HELP! was unleashed on the public, it was followed by the putrid Magical Mystery Tour, which received incredibly warm reviews, such as this one by the Guardian:

“a kind of fantasy morality play about the grossness and warmth and stupidity of the audience”.

The beatles themselves wanted no part in creating another disastrous cinematic offense. The idea of being involved with this lame new project sounded even less appealing to them than their music does to a normal human being. Unfortunately for all of us, United Artists still had the Fab ones firmly by their pink submarines, and ultimately they had little choice but to step aside and allow another brightly coloured turd to be dropped into the septic tank of beatlemania.

The resulting film was an aimless plot revolving around music written to torture children while assaulting you with spastic, gaudy animation. It has since captured the hearts and minds(?) of deluded fans across the globe…what a surprise.

Due to the bewildering success of the beatles Rock Band game, beatlemart has decided to up the ante again. No longer satisfied with merely repackaging and re-releasing the same albums and DVDs three to four times a year while merchandising their likeness on everything from bath toys to geriatric diapers, they’ve decided to not only dig up and re-release this abysmal celluloid black hole but to remake it as a capture animation Disney movie.

The fans are up in arms; disgusted and appalled that anyone would dare to mess with this masterpiece. They are sure to voice their complaints by lining up overnight for tickets, which will be viciously torn in half…by the ticket taker. The stubs will be violently… sealed in plastic and stored haphazardly beside collectibles which hold the lowest place of honour in their MopTop shrines, the Ringo Starr toilet brush and the McCartney radium based wart remover.

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Reason #21 – Sgt Peppers is a Load of Crap

Das — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:04:05 +0000

In 1967 The beatles released Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. It was instantly hailed as a musical milestone. We have no choice but to agree. Just as the Edsel was a milestone for cars, Betamax was a milestone for home video, Enron was a milestone for corporate investment and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was a milestone for video games, so was Sgt Peppers a milestone for music. Unfortunately for us, the beatles didn’t have the foresight to crush and bury this disaster in a New Mexico landfill like the creators of ET did with their abomination.

In previous articles we’ve discussed how the worlds first concept album wasn’t the first, or even a concept album. We’ve discussed it in historical Context in the article My Beatle get me Blues. Due to a recent wave of spontaneous beatleagoguery, in part by it’s release as a downloadable album for Rock Band, we’ve decided to revisit this classic album.

As noted by the few lucid critics of the past 40 years unhampered by nostalgia or burnt out on LSD:

Sgt. Pepper’s was a McCartney album; a pop confection, full of cute noises and neo-music-hall pop, recorded while the drug-addled Lennon was lost in a half-conscious haze.

It’s continuing popularity and notoriety amongst fans seems to be based on the assumption even though it’s just as poppy, it didn’t have any hit singles, yet was still their best selling album. This means it’s deeper and less sugary than the rest of albums in their catalogue, so it must be also the best. This album is also where the ‘Paul is Dead’ rumors began, a great incentive for people like us to take interest.

It would be interesting to find out if it’s even possible for fans to hear the music anymore; the album is so buried in myth and blinded by hype that it’s completely impossible to listen to these songs as what they are – a collection of songs, as opposed to earth shattering, life altering flecks of incomparable brilliance.

For example: during the stirring introduction of ‘Lovely Rita’ do fans close their eyes and let the powerful lyrics wash over and transported them to another dimension where meter maids are all named Rita?
Do they:

hip, hop, a hippie to the hippi-dee hip hip a hop, a you don’t stop the rockin’ till the bang man n-the-boogie up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogity beat?

Or do their minds start vomiting out inane facts like:

Recorded at Studio Two, Abbey Road, February 23 & 24, and March 7 & 21, 1967. The album version is mixed from take 11. A percussive, kazooey effect was official EMI toilet paper blown through a comb, and Ringo shouts, “You’d better believe it” or “They’ll never believe it” in the very final moments of the song, although it’s also been suggested that the voice is John’s …(We ain’t making this up, folks).

John Lennon himself was quoted as saying the album was “a load of crap.” We usually tend to agree with Lennon, although in this case the words ‘festering turd’ also spring to mind.

Paraphrasing Ourselves:

The FF spent over six months in a state of the art recording studio, overdubbing and mixing a lavish production orchestrated and arranged by George Martin, engineered by studio wizard Geoff Emerick, and crammed full of the best session musician’s (including a 40 piece orchestra) money could buy. It cost an astronomical $25,000 in 1967, (roughly $100,000 USD today). During this time a great number of groundbreaking techniques, studio tricks, and recording innovations used on the sessions. A lot of elaborate instrumentations and kooky sound effects were used.

In the end, a couple of tunes were slightly longer than the average pop song. They had an interesting collage of ditties based lyrically on leaky roofs, articles in the newspaper, circus posters, meter maids, corn flake commercials, one either about drugs or a drawing by a child, and one about spirituality. Musically, they combined influences from 30’s music, skiffle, rock and carnivals. In other words, they took advantage of the tools at their disposal to cobble together a collection of half-baked ideas with the help of anybody they could hire.

Sgt Peppers is essentially a shiny, well produced turd. It may appear to be a fully functional crap, but when you clear away the diamond crusted corn nuggets you’ll find the truth of the poop is in the tasting. To paraphrase Gertrude Stein: Turd is a Turd is a Turd is a Turd.

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Reason #7005 Update

Das — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 00:30:28 +0000

Rubber Sole

After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.

Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul

Beatles cover band destroys town

Das — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:29:29 +0000

Breaking news!

Sometime last year an unknown ‘the beatles’ cover band descended upon a small town in southern Ontario, Canada. The horrific events were captured by the local news station, but seconds before the devastation could be broadcast, the station was demolished, survivors were burned to death.

All taped evidence was quickly disposed of by beatlemart. The town of Liverpool, Ontario, does not even exist on maps anymore. This is one of the worst cases of beaticide on record, yet until now it has gone unnoticed.

Somehow this tape has survived and managed reach us. Please view responsibly, and remember our fallen comrades.

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Previously Unreleased Beatle Song Re-Unreleased

Das — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 22:20:41 +0000

A new version of the song Revolution was recently unearthed, released, and instantly recalled again by the fine folks at beatlemart.

This version, aka: take 20, is thought to be the missing link which bridges the gap between Revolution 1, and Revolution 9. Revolution 2-8 is a full seven minutes longer than the unlistenable version on the White Album, and is considered to be the holy grail. (of versions of Revolution?)

Try not to confuse it with any other fab four ‘the holy grails’ like circus of light, which assuredly would have sent Indiana Jones into early retirement had the Nazis forced him to listen to it.

Lyrically and structurally the song is virtually identical to the released version, but contains a lot more wankery. No official reason has been given for retracting the release. Rumors ranging from the second coming of Christ to the Armageddon have been fluttering across 24 hour beatle news networks, fan fiction sites, and old age homes. We’ve managed to make contact with one of our agents on the inside and got the truth. It ain’t pretty, kids.

The truth is this song will literally kill you. The ultrasound frequencies added to this song during the final mix by Lennon/McCartney were intended to be a joke, similar to the whistle at the end of A Day in the Life, which was meant to irritate dogs. This time the joke went too far. Ultrasonic frequencies have great medical benefits with their ability to display soft tissue with the same technique SONAR uses to see the bottom of the ocean. Unfortunately, when ultrasonic frequencies are attuned to evil they can vibrate, heat, and finally dessicate soft tissue, and as we all know there is no softer tissue than in the brain of a beatle fan.

Although beatlemart has no problem with murder in theory, the reality is this; if they kill off their dwindling fan base just for fun, their bank accounts could very well dry up before scientists have discovered a cure for death. If this happens while they’re awaiting eternal life in their patented FF cryogenic chambers, it could spell disaster.

In the hands of these callous and careless jokesters, Revolution 2-8 became the death knell to many unsuspecting hippies. Take a look at this videotaped evidence confiscated by officials at the International John Lennon Liverpool Airport:

Click here to view the embedded video.

There’s also the small possibility of a second reason, don’t give it away when you can sell it. Let’s face, beatlemart ain’t in it for the love, unless it’s the love of moolah.

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Reason # 517 – The Beatles Carnival of Light is Incredible.

Das — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:08:29 +0000

Apologies to all of our colleagues, fans and supporters.
We’re eating crow.
The new beatles epic ‘Carnival of Light’ is probably the greatest piece of music ever written.

If you haven’t heard, this is a 14 minute improvised track recorded in 1967. Immediately after it was recorded, it was buried. Many thought the song nothing more than a myth. The FF thought it too adventurous. It would hurt record sales. Whats worse, is it would offend their fans – the screaming pre-teens who spent their allowances on each new single. If this happened, they could snap out of their brainwashed stupor and buy Play-doh, mood rings or Slinkeys. There would be no more tea with the Queen.

Paul is convinced that this composition will show the world that they were much more avant-garde than given credit for. More than purveyors of a musical black hole, which we gave them credit for. “I said all I want you to do is just wander around all the stuff, bang it, shout, play it, it doesn’t need to make any sense,” said McCartney of the sessions. “I like it because it’s The Beatles free, going off piste.” (for those who don’t know this expression, it refers to skiing on an un-groomed slope. Quite adventurous!)

The other beatles were equally as excited about this piece and found it hard to contain their enthusiasm, years later they still marveled at its brilliance. When assembling the tracks for Anthology, McCartney wanted to include “Carnival of Light,” but said the other two Beatles thought it was “rubbish.”

Sir George Martin who oversaw the track has described it as ‘one of those weird things. “This is ridiculous. We’ve got to get our teeth into something a little more constructive,” Martin told Geoff Emerick during the recording session.

George Harrison dismissed it, saying “avant-garde a clue“. Twenty years later, when reminded of the sounds on the tape and asked whether he could recall recording it, he replied “No, and it sounds like I don’t want to either!”

Ringo was too busy threatening fans with autographed memorabilia to comment.

Beatles fans came close to hearing ‘Carnival Of Light’ in 1996 when it was considered for inclusion in the exhaustive Anthology compilation. “I said it would be great to put this on because it would show we were working with really avant-garde stuff … But it was vetoed.” Reminisced McCartney. “The guys didn’t like the idea, like “this is rubbish.”

Unfortunately for the world this track will never officially see the light of day. At least not until beatlemart needs a new winter home in Puerta Plata. To be released McCartney needs the blessing of Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and George Harrison’s widow Olivia.

Thankfully we have a copy, and our lucky readers are for a treat.
Here, for the first time ever, is the first three minutes of Carnival of Light. To prepare yourself, please constrain your excitement and remember: this is serious music, not some go-go boots giggle-a-thon.

Click here to view the embedded video.

For a deeper analysis of beatlemuppets, please read The Letter ‘B.’

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Reason # 561 – The Beatles, Hanging Tough

Das — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 16:05:14 +0000

You say you want a boy band revolution?

The FF are usually thought of as one of the defining bands in rock. A pioneering group which broke boundaries, bent the rules, and changed the face of popular music to become the greatest band in history. This is true in a sense; they were the first boy band. This honor is usually bestowed on the Monkees, but the truth is the Monkees weren’t the first, only the most blatant.

Take a look at some of the characteristics of a boy band.

They’re composed of several male singers with a strong emphasis on vocal harmonies and little importance given to musical ability.

One of the most crucial aspects insuring the success of a boy band is their image, which is carefully constructed and controlled by managing every aspect of the groups clothes, hair, promotional materials (which are frequently supplied to teen magazines), promotional items (anything that you can slap a picture of the band on), and of course music videos.

Their fans are young people, mostly girls.

Typically each member of the band will have some distinguishing feature or personality stereotype, such as the baby or the tough guy. This formula is based on the groundbreaking work of the FF: Paul was the cute one, George the quiet one, John the smart one, and Ringo the dumb one.

The music of a boy band is arranged and produced by a producer who works with the band at all times, oversees and controls the groups sound – if necessary, to the point of hiring session musicians and singers. (cough, cough. George Martin)

The Key factor for a successful boy band is to be trendy, or Fab. This means the band conforms to the most recent fashion and musical trends in the popular music scene.

The modern boy band has taken all of these ingredients and added a heaping tablespoon of dancing to the mix. If the beatles could have danced they’d be bigger than the beatles! (Jesus analogies don’t apply to this kind of fanaticism)

Quiz:

Apply this simple formula to complete the following paragraph:

The ____ were picked up by manager _____. He quickly got rid of _____ because ____ the front man needed to be the cute one, polished them up, put them in suits with fab haircuts, told them what kind of songs to play, teamed them up with ______ and proceeded to get them on the cover of every teen magazine in existence.

For bonus points, add dancing to the equation and see if you can distinguish between the FF and New Kids on the Block.

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Reason # 7005 – Flabby Soul

Das — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:54:54 +0000

Occasionally you’ll hear the fab-blind discuss how soulful various songs and albums were.

Usually we just laugh to ourselves when we hear the word beatle and the word soulful in the same sentence, unless the sentence is, ‘The beatle were soulful of crap it was coming out of their mouths!’ We decided to find out exactly what sounds people are mistaking for soul. We came up empty handed.

Our first stop was Fab4Fan’s infamous Rankopedia to see what the consensus is for the most soulful beatles songs. Incredibly, there is no such category. The closest we found was ‘which beatle fan has the brownest nose and emptiest wallet.’ So a few weeks ago we created our own poll, Most Soulful Beatle Songs. Ten thousand opinionated members, and we only got two votes, not a good sign. Searches elsewhere turned up little more than slanted reviews with the word soulful getting battered like a piece of tempura. We’re left to our own devices to get to the bottom of this one.

The problem now becomes, how do you judge soul? Just to clarify, we’re talking about soulful music as opposed to soul music. There doesn’t seem to be any working soul-o-meters these days, they all disappeared with STAX. Lets define it first, and work from there. We can all agree that a fair definition of soulful music is music that is passionately sung and performed, full of both feeling and expression.

Now we need to identify a fair starting point, a point of reference to level the playing field. You can’t just listen to an FF song and decide, ‘yup – thats pretty soulful, way more than Yellow Submarine.’ The only way to do this fairly is to compare two performances of the same song, then we can begin to gauge who’s got the soul going on.

Lets get to it.

First we have Long Tall Sally, an original song written and performed by none other than Little Richard. It was covered by the likes of Elvis and the Tielman Brothers, as well as less adventurous artists like Pat Boone and the Beatles. Let watch this go down, live.

First up is Little Richard:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Hot Damn!

The challengers, four lovable moptops from Liverpool with their version:

Click here to view the embedded video.

…Uhhh. WTF?

To be fair, everybody knows that in those days the beatles had to suffer with inferior equipment. Whats that? They were both recorded the same year? Oh, I see…

Lets stick to official releases. Thats where they’ve been proven to really shine.

Next up is an excerpt of the FF singing their famous version of the Barret Strong/Berry Gordy classic, Money(Thats what I want):

Next up is Barret Strong with the original version.

Whew, getting a little hot in here. Bet you never realized that song actually has a groove.

Perhaps this isn’t fair. Lets give the FF an original song and let somebody else try and cover it. Nobody can touch the beatles…right?

Next up is an excerpt of the original smash hit We can Work it out:

Followed by a cover of the same song by Stevie Wonder:

Its seems Stevie interpreted the meaning of this song as ‘We can work out how to play and sing this thing soulfully.’ This version is surprisingly listenable, even enjoyable. Who would’ve thought that was even possible?

Okay then, final challenge. Its obvious the band as a whole should never, never, ever again be considered soulful. But vocals, thats another story. Its kind of odd that vocals-only mixes are so scarce for a band that releases two or three albums a year, forty years after they broke up. There must be hundreds of thousands of them in the vaults, but they never see the light of day. What could be the reason? I wonder if they’re trying to hide anything? Crappy vocal performances…covered up cleverly by edits and music….Nah, not beatlemart.

Here’s Paul singing one of their most soulful ballads Oh Darlin’:

The flipside of the coin is you can find pretty much any Motown song you want as an a capella performance. We thought it would be funny, and just a little ironic, to post a Jackson 5 era Michael Jackson performance, but it might be just too cruel to destroy the beatles with a seven year olds soul, wouldn’t it?

Instead, here’s Marvin Gaye to single handedly destroy any semblance of soul left clinging to the fading reputation of this band:

And what the hell, just to rub a little salt in the wound here’s little Mikey Jackson too:

Final Verdict?

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Reason #742 – Rare Outtake Video Surfaces

Das — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 17:04:11 +0000

Our next installment of rare outtakes designed to showcase the beatles technical prowess in the studio is a double treat. Please remain seated, if you pass out from the excitement of this moment its best to stay safe.

Here we have not only takes four and five from the I’m a Loser session, but also a rare video chronicling the event! Yes, for the first time in the history of mankind this groundbreaking video will finally be seen. Once again SMB has come through with the FF goods, you can thank us later.

Rare I’m a Loser Outtakes

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Not really the self-help guide you’ll need after watching this, but every little bit helps: