Category Archives: -Welcome to beatlemart

Money grubbing

Revolution Number Two

John Lennon’s toilet sells for $14,740

Number Two…Number One…Number Two….

Beatle albums are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink.

Speaking of which, some of the beatles best work has obviously passed through this holy vessel which sold for more than George Harrison’s crab comb, but slightly less than Paul McCartney’s adult diapers. Unfortunately for the lucky buyer, the item was emptied and cleaned before the sale. Its contents were sent to Sir George Martin to remix for the next beatles box set, entitled Beatles Number Two.

Album cover for the follow up to One, beatles two

According to reports, Lennon was unhappy with the flowery toilet and was quoted as saying, ‘This thing is worse than the entire beatles catalog, it irritates the shit out of me.’ When asked what he wanted done with it, he answered, “I don’t give a crap, looking at it reminds me of writing with Paul.”

How could Lennon have known that 30 years later, his shit would hit the fan. At least this particular enthusiast got something useful, something friends and relatives can throw up in once they learn what it is.

Lennon’s toilet sells for $14,740 at UK auction

LONDON | Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:51pm BST

LONDON (Reuters Life!) – A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said.

Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one.

The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to “put some flowers in it or something,” according to the auction catalog.

Builder John Hancock stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said.

The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group’s native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds.

Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise.

“I think it’s the most unusual item we’ve ever had in our auction,” she told Reuters.

The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was “going overseas.”

(Reporting by Adrian Croft; Editing by Jon Hemming)


If you’re interested in learning more about crap:

The Beatles are full of Crap

Sgt Peppers is a load of Crap

How To Slice a Turdber

Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

Beatle Thumbs up overtakes Vatican bums up

In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

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Waiting for the Citroën Van to Come

John Lennon’s selling power has yet to be exhausted.

John Lennon, New York City

The use of John Lennon’s words and image to promote a crappy French car has sparked horror and outrage amongst not just beatle fans but also the advertising community at large, who are shocked they didn’t think of it first. Adfreak call the ad “a blatant cash grab by Yoko Ono, completely unlike our beatles ad which is high art”.
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Suck My Beatles on the BBC


Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

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Reason #34 – You Always Give Me Your Money

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…
When you thought beatlemart couldn’t get anymore blatant…
Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly write about beatlemart again…

Bloomingdale’s is offering a first-ever designer assortment of apparel and accessories, inspired by the music of the beatles. And just in time for Halloween!
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Reason #497 – You say you want a Financial Revolution?

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Tabloids and gossip aside, its a rare occurrence when any news source prints even a partial truth about the FF. Anything less than blind praise is frowned upon. Complete, unconditional moptop worship is preferred. To say something negative about the beatles music in the press is a clever way of asking for your walking papers, along with a guarantee that you’ll never write for money again in this lifetime, at least not for any creditable organization.
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Reason #307 – Three Days In the Life of Lame

Breaking News!

Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning – Spoilers!*
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Reason #267 – The Beatle Ford Clinic

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

If you’ve ever searched for an excuse to drink on a Monday, today is for you.
Tip back a few yards of your favorite poison and don’t forget to drink to your pals at SMB.

Just be sure to avoid any noxious concoctions like the Brandy Alexander (Brandy and Milk?!?) which Lennon loved so dearly, or you may wind up in the Beatle Ford Clinic. This is a fate far worse than death, which the following video proves conclusively.

(warning – don’t watch)

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Reason #517 – You Say Good Buy, I Say Hell No.

This is a clever tactic, a new form of some sort of Gonzo Advertising. Target has not only advertised a product, but simultaneously created a demand for it.
By the end of this thirty second spot you will definitely need to run out for a fresh supply of toilet paper. Talk about squeezing out a winner, they’re shitting gravy!

This is marketing at its finest.
(warning – don’t watch)

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Reason #357 – The Beatles will Rot Your Teeth

Everyone has experienced this familiar scenario:

You see an ad for food that looks so great that next time you go out you make it a point to pick up some of that delicious looking delicacy. When you sit down to feast, you discover it only vaguely resembles what you saw in the photo or the commercial, and it tastes like the ass end of a mule on laxatives.
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Reason # 512 – Who’ll stop the Rain? A Banana?

While watching the news last night they broke to a commercial. While this isn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, what they were ‘commerting’ was not only equally as horrifying as the news, but far more disturbing. Sandwiched in between death in the Congo and the weather they showed four bloated old corpses in MopTop wigs dressed like they were going to a dork fetish party. They were playing early beatles songs, on early beatle instruments. They even had a drummer with a gigantic honker! The truly unnerving part was when they panned out to the audience watching these wierdos, everyone was clapping….and the place was full! Hopefully they just cut in some stock footage of an audience from a dog show or something less nauseating.

Finally, towards the end of this endless 30 seconds of hell its revealed that RAIN, this make-believe moptop band, is scheduled to play for SEVEN DAYS! IN A ROW! Tickets are $30-70 each and the venue has a seating capacity (who could stand for that garbage) of 3223. A conservative estimate with everybody buying cheap seats gives us $96,690 a night if they sell out the joint, at the end of the week $696,830. Thats a lot of nostalgia. Thats a lot of baby-boomers and beatleheads. Thats a lot of money! (On a completely unrelated note 1 kilo of mustard gas costs $4.15.)

Just when you think the average beatle fan couldn’t get anymore gullible, they start paying to watch pretend time with their imaginary friends. After the show instead of hailing a cab home, most of them will ride Snuffalufagus to their mystical enchanted gardens beneath the sea.

Here is a video clip of RAIN – The beatles Experience (warning: don’t watch)

After this came an interview with Jerry Levitan. If you don’t know who this is, you will soon. When this beatle obsessed tongue wagger was 14 years old he managed to tape record an interview with John Lennon. He sat on this tape for over thirty years, got somebody to animate around the audio, and released it as a documentary named I Met The Walrus which is now short-listed for an Oscar.

“I am stunned,” said Levitan of the nomination. Really? Stunned!?! This is the blueprint for instant commercial and critical success, proven countless times over the past thirty years. The formula is as follows.

“One or more Beatles?” -Check!
“Unreleased footage, story or recording?” -Check!
“Slap it together, we’re all gonna be rich.” -Check!

Don’t be afraid to test this, try peeling a potato into the shape of a former beatle and put it on youtube, in a matter of hours you’ll be famous! In fact, lets take this one step further with The John Lennon Angry Banana Baby Interview and see what happens:

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Reason # 851 – Chryslers, Condoms, Aliens and…Ringo?

We’ve been getting a lot of flack lately for insinuating that the FF were merely pawns controlled by a gigantic bankroll known only as beatlemart. After many long and heated debates we’ve decided to distance ourselves from this line of investigation. To make it up to the powers that be, we’ve put together a short video apology.

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Reason # 4279 – I’ll Follow The Sum

Breaking News:

Starbucks will soon be releasing the John Lennon iTunes video album. Thats right, you can now buy a crappy video with your crappucino! Soon you’ll be able to plop down a measly $25 for a sure-to-be-collectible John Lennon iTunes card that will allow you to download all of John Lennon’s previously released videos.


Finally, you can leave your homes and know at the press of a button, you’ll be able to watch the bespectacled one anytime you need a fix. Whew, what a relief. The company hopes this will also cut down on the cost of dairy as well, because beatleheads will cream in their pants the second they see it.

The release comes hot on the heels of the last FF latte releases, Memory Almost Full, and the only available at Starbucks CD compilation, John Lennon – Remember. Apparently the latter didn’t sell very well due to the title, people read it and remembered they already had seventeen other Lennon Collections. It was still quite popular among the brain-dead, as well as new fans who had never heard of the man (it happened once at a Starbucks in Tristan da Cunha).

This new avenue of revenue is a dream come true for the machine that put the bucks in star. Hit the public when they aren’t awake but still have their wallets open.


Reason # 4297 – Rare Lennon Recording saves Christmas!

Breaking news! The fine folks at Saachi and Saachi have done it again, and just in time for Christmas!

Not content to sit back and bask in the glory of their world-renown diaper commercial The beatles are full of Crap, this brilliant ad company has figured out a way to cash in on a dead man and his love for his wife.

Thats right, straight from the hands of the loved one in question, an unreleased private demo of John’s recording of ‘Real Love’ has suddenly found new meaning.

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Reason # 476 – Meet the McBeatles


Ever notice how blatantly the entertainment conglomerates force themselves into our lives? Of course you do, how could you miss it? Take Blockbuster and the endless ads hocking the latest made-for-profit-extravaganza. They cater to the lowest common denominator by carrying big budget Hollywood crap. Stock thirty copies of every lame-brained two-hour remake of TV shows that weren’t even watchable when they were first on the air. Just put Will Smith in it boys, team him up with Owen Wilson and an animated condom! It’ll sell!

On top of this, Blockbuster has the right to censor anything in its stores for inappropriate content. This might be alright for a Remake of the Beverly Hillbillies (Goldangit, Granny’s dress is too revealing in that shot!), because you can watch the majority of them with your eyes closed and your fingers in your ears and still not miss anything. But in a well made movie movie, you might need to be able to follow the plot without big brother telling you what you’re allowed to see.

Of course this is dependent on who made the film. Its fine to see a naked woman tortured to her grisly death if the film was financed by Disney, but if Lloyd Kaufman was to show a fake melon head full of hamburger and food colouring explode, he’s out of luck. Not that they would carry his films in the first place.

This brings me to my point; Blockbuster is owned by Viacom. Viacom also owns Paramount Pictures, as well as Famous Music, DreamWorks, Republic Pictures, MTV Films, CBS, Nickelodeon Movies, Go Fish Pictures, Comedy Central…I’m not getting carpal tunnel syndrome over this, lets just they ain’t hurting. They also have numerous tie-ins with other conglomerates in industry, media, agriculture, energy and finance.

Now Lets say Viacom wants to make another bajillion dollars so everyone can buy new Range Rovers. First they tell some sap to write a movie about the first thing he finds in the June, 1973 issue of TV Guide. If he doesn’t have one handy he bases it on whatever video game he’s playing. Just make sure that whatever its about somebody can make it into a toy, dammit! Paramount makes the movie. They bombard the airwaves with commercials, put up billboards, the stars get interviewed incessantly on the evening news and we get to discover what kind of tricycle handsome douchebag of the week rode when he was a toddler. Out of nowhere the title track becomes a hit song, and the soundtrack sells like crazy even though the movie hasn’t been released yet.

The next step is to put all the cute little dolls and cups and toys in McDonald’s and Burger King. The Kids lap it up, buy more greasy food, go see the movie and buy more merchandise. These are the folks who pay the salaries of the talking fish and surfing penguins which never seem to get old.

The next time you’re watching the beatle biography of the week, or their bi-weekly incredibly relevant story on the news, remember its not a happy-go-lucky moptop footing the bill for it. The beatles didn’t sell out, they were a pre-packaged commodity that became more popular than the Pet Rock. They may have had something to say, but it was diluted with a bag of beatle hair out of a beatles lunchbox.


Think who the target market is, and who’s holding the gun.


Reason #531 – Help! It’s Back!

Breaking News!
In an renewed effort to puke out regurgitated fluff at the rate of a new release every five seconds, the fine folks at beatleMart have decided to re-release the unwatchable film, Help!

This digitally remastered nightmare comes with 5.1 audio. Thats right, mono recordings like you’ve never heard them before. But wait, there’s more!
Disc two will feature a short documentary on the making, the restoration, and interviews with the crew. Finally you can see how exciting it is to sit in a dark editing suite, and find out what the gaffers and craft services thought about working on this masterpiece. Hopefully they’ll include an interview with the pair of scissors used to edit this monstrosity, I’d like to hear what kind of drugs it was using at the time.

Unfortunately, this will only appeal to the mediocre fans. Real beatleheads will need to drop a hundred bucks for the Help! (Deluxe Edition) Boxed Set. This includes such mandatory table scraps as:
-Lester’s annotated script. Wow! Who the hell is Lester?
-A poster. Great! There’s nothing like hanging up a poster thats been folded and pressed into a 7″ by 5″ rectangle!
-A 60-page booklet of photos and additional notes on the making of the film. I have to admit these are pretty cool. Thanks to our sources we’ve managed to secure one of these photos for you to preview, the FF relaxing with their loved ones, as well as a sample of one of the production notes.



Sure to be a collectors item soon, unlike the poorly planned beatle anthrax. Get your copy today!

Reason # 4287 – Branding Peace, John Lennon For Sale

How many of you were unlucky enough to hear the award winning seven hour radio show, Dreaming of the Past (more aptly named Living in the past) which commemorated the 25th anniversary of Lennon’s assassination when it aired last year? It was pretty hard to avoid at least even hearing about it, unless you completely shut off the radio and stopped reading magazines and papers, which isn’t always a bad thing. Especially in a case like this.

To make sure everyone in the universe was aware of this historic broadcast they bombarded the airwaves for over two months prior to the event with sixty second commercials disguised as programs called, A Minute of Lennon.

I’ll agree, its a nice idea to honor the deceased beatle like this, after all he did have a positive message to send out after he left the FF. Lennon has obviously done more for world peace than Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, and even Bob Geldof, yet he still gets so little press these days it’s a miracle we haven’t forgotten his name!

You must be wondering what great humanitarian organizations and peace activists pulled together to produce this incredible testament to the memory of the immortal Lennon.
Well, it was those thoughtful folks at…..AN ADVERTISING AGENCY!

You mean…this was about making money, not honoring the deceased and his gifts to the world? Exploiting the dead for profit? Are there no cosmetic creams left to hustle? Rotgut beer to hawk? Cigarettes for children? Pesticides? Erectile dysfunction pills?

Surely there must be more to this than putting gas in their Range Rovers and vacationing in the French West Indies. Right??

Lets hear if from the horses mouth:

“We try to come up with interesting radio programs that advertisers can leverage. Branded entertainment is something I’m not sure is even happening in Canada. So we’ve created a seven-hour radio special around Lennon.”

If you’re not aware of what branded entertainment is, here’s a quick definition:
It’s hiding ads in material written for a target audience, creating an affinity between the brand and the subject matter. Backwards product placement. Coke doesn’t pay Martin Scorsese to film coke bottles in every scene, they hire some schmuck to write Scorsese a movie where it’s integral to the plot.
In other words: they used John Lennon to sell you cars, donuts and tires.

In regards to the two month shock and wealth campaign, also known as A Minute of Lennon, they had this to say:

“We’re building a long-term, loyal audience over two months through 65 one-minute programs called A Minute of Lennon to keep listeners hooked. Within each 60-second spot is a 30-second audio tag for Toshiba, our title sponsor,”
Other sponsors were Goodyear and of course EMI Music.

Step aside tampons, sneakers and laundry detergent, the shysters found a new way to hock the beatles! Geez, I can’t wait to see what they’ll sell when all the FF are dead!


Once again, if you think I’m making this up go read it for yourself:

Link to the full article

At least now you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that sleazebag in the power boat tearing through your lake drunk on $300 brandy was funded by you.

Reason #948- Martin Scorsese loses mind!

Scorcese describing how they inserted bamboo shoots under his fingernails until he agreed to this film.

Martin Scorsese has been busy shooting some very popular music biographies over the past few years, the likes of which include, Bob Dylan: No Direction Home and The Blues: A musical Journey. He was also in production shooting a documentary on The Rolling Stones, which was mysteriously delayed when it was announced they were making a movie about late beatle George Harrison’s life. It looks like the Stones will have to take a back seat yet again while beatlemart grinds out another gazillion dollar hunk of crap.

Isn’t there another stupid TV show from the 70’s that needs remaking? C’mon Hollywood, think!

The biopic seem to revolve around a recently discovered wealth of vintage footage showing the boring beatle sitting in his garden drinking tea, walking around his estate looking at things, and making pickles. The latter will undoubtedly be the highlight of the film. The official name hasn’t been announced yet but several working titles have been suggested, including; Boring Fellas, Cape Tame and Subdued Bull. The Heinz company is pulling for Subdued Bull, as it will fit in perfectly with the launch for their new campaign, ‘Hey BullDogs.’


No word yet on who is going to play the lead, but unconfirmed sources have pointed to these engaging possibilities:

A slab of wood:


Leonardo DeCaprio:

A favorite of Scorcese’s. It’s is rumored that this famous thespian may be in the running to play Harrison. You may scoff, but don’t forget the incredible job he did of making unkempt old Jim Carroll look like a slight ruffled pretty-boy in The Basketball Diaries.


Can you tell the difference?

Perhaps one day Oliver Stone will make a five hour movie explaining this event, and what ultimately drove Scorsese to these horrible ends.