Number Two…Number One…Number Two….

Beatle albums are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink.

Speaking of which, some of the beatles best work has obviously passed through this holy vessel which sold for more than George Harrison’s crab comb, but slightly less than Paul McCartney’s adult diapers. Unfortunately for the lucky buyer, the item was emptied and cleaned before the sale. Its contents were sent to Sir George Martin to remix for the next beatles box set, entitled Beatles Number Two.

According to reports, Lennon was unhappy with the flowery toilet and was quoted as saying, ‘This thing is worse than the entire beatles catalog, it irritates the shit out of me.’ When asked what he wanted done with it, he answered, “I don’t give a crap, looking at it reminds me of writing with Paul.”

How could Lennon have known that 30 years later, his shit would hit the fan. At least this particular enthusiast got something useful, something friends and relatives can throw up in once they learn what it is.

Lennon’s toilet sells for $14,740 at UK auction

LONDON | Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:51pm BST

LONDON (Reuters Life!) – A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said.

Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one.

The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to “put some flowers in it or something,” according to the auction catalog.

Builder John Hancock stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said.

The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group’s native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds.

Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise.

“I think it’s the most unusual item we’ve ever had in our auction,” she told Reuters.

The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was “going overseas.”

(Reporting by Adrian Croft; Editing by Jon Hemming)

Source: http://uk.reuters.com/article/idUKTRE67R1IE20100828

If you’re interested in learning more about crap:

The Beatles are full of Crap

Sgt Peppers is a load of Crap

How To Slice a Turdber

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In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

I think we can all agree with the Vatican that beatle songs seem distant and meaningless.

The strange thing here is not only the motivation behind this act, but also the speed at which the Vatican has forgiven the moptops for their deplorable behavior. Galileo was branded a heretic and sentenced to life imprisonment. His fiendish crimes included inventing the telescope and claiming the earth revolved around the sun. It took more than 400 years for the Catholic church to forgive him, and it’s unsure if they ever accepted his ‘Earth Is Round’ theory.

It may just be that the Vatican has embarked upon a pop culture crusade, using the beatles as a fiendish new instrument of torture. If so, I believe it’s safe to long for the good ole days of the Pear of Anguish, a far more humane way to be persecuted.

The horrifying truth is that not even the Vatican was prepared for the consequences which followed the sanctification of beatlemart and their mighty suckubus.

The beatles were officially forgiven on the weekend of April 10th, 2010. Hours later, the sleeping giant Eyjafjallajökull erupted, spewing molten rock, a towering wall of ash, dust and steam into the air, decimating economic, political and cultural activities in Europe and across the world.

This rare photograph of Eyjafjallajökull was buried by the Vatican.

A few days later, the Deepwater Horizon exploded, resulting in the largest marine oil spill in history.

Once again, the Vatican refused to allow this photo to be published.

What can be done to stop beatlemart from stealing your soul, destroying the air in your lungs and the soil beneath your feet, or even worse: re-releasing Let it Be again, is unknown. Please stay tuned for updates and we’ll do our best to advise you how to survive beatlegeddon.

For more information see:

Buy a beatle Album for Christ
I Heal Fine
John Lennon’s Tits
Please Displease Me

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The use of John Lennon’s words and image to promote a crappy French car has sparked horror and outrage amongst not just beatle fans but also the advertising community at large, who are shocked they didn’t think of it first. Adfreak call the ad “a blatant cash grab by Yoko Ono, completely unlike our beatles ad which is high art”.

Fans have called for a boycott of Citroën vehicles, especially since the new design is completely different than the original Fab Wagon which was approved by beatlemart in 2007.

On the corner is a banker with a motor car

Sean Lennon was quick to defend the use of the image, explaining, “It’s just hard to find new ways to keep dad in the new world….No new LPs, so TV ad is exposure to young.”

This is a perfectly understandable position, it’s been weeks since they’ve released a new Lennon movie, over a month since beatlemart re-released the entire fab four catalog and launched beatles Rock Band, days since the newest biographies have hit the shelves, hours since the latest John Lennon Festival has been announced, minutes since the last John Lennon LP or 45 has been re-released on vinyl (ironically it’s being released beside The Great Rock’n'Roll Swindle), and several excruciatingly long seconds since the last TV show about the life and/or music of this soon to be forgotten soul.

The opportunity to hear his music without tracking down incredibly rare and hard to find tracks has dwindled to a near impossibility.

View for yourself the few remaining slivers of the rapidly vanishing Lennon legacy. Over the past few months the use of his music in films and television shows alone has dwindled down to a fraction of what it once was:

“Glee” (2 episodes, 2009-2010)
– Hell-O (2010) TV episode (writer: “Hello Goodbye” (uncredited))
– Hairography (2009) TV episode (“Imagine” (uncredited))

“Volver con…” (1 episode, 2010)
– Episode 1.10 (2010) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”) (performer: “Imagine”)
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards (2010) (TV) (writer: “In My Life” (uncredited))
… aka “2010 Academy Awards” – USA (informal short title)
… aka “The 2010 Oscars” – USA (informal short title)
… aka “The Oscars” – USA (informal short title)

“20 to 1″ (2 episodes, 2006-2010)
– Adults Only 20 to 1: Movie Monsters (2010) TV episode (“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (uncredited))
– Greatest Songs of All Time (2006) TV episode (performer: “Imagine”) (“Hey Jude”, “Imagine”)
“Live from Studio Five” (2 episodes, 2009-2010)
– Episode 1.111 (2010) TV episode (writer: “A Little Help from My Friends”)
– Episode 1.64 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”) (performer: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”)
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” (1 episode, 2010)
– Episode 1.179 (2010) TV episode (writer: “With a Little Help from My Friends”)

“The Amazing Race” (1 episode, 2009)
… aka “The Amazing Race 13″ – USA (thirteenth season title (promotional title))
… aka “The Amazing Race: All-Stars” – USA (eleventh season title (promotional title))
… aka “The Amazing Race: Family Edition” – USA (eighth season title)
– Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound! (2009) TV episode (writer: “Help!” (uncredited))

“50 años de” (3 episodes, 2009)
– Calle (2009) TV episode (writer: “Hey Jude”, “Let It Be”)
– Una periodista de a pie (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”) (performer: “Imagine”)
– Vacaciones de verano (2009) TV episode (writer: “All My Loving”)

“FlashForward” (2 episodes, 2009)
– A561984 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” (uncredited)) (performer: “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” (uncredited))

– Scary Monsters and Super Creeps (2009) TV episode (writer: “Across the Universe” (uncredited))

“The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” (2 episodes, 2009)
– Episode 1.64 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”)
– Episode 1.61 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Birthday” (uncredited))
The Beatles on Record (2009) (TV) (writer: “I Am the Walrus”, “She Loves You”, “A Hard Day’s Night”, “Let It Be”) (“Ticket to Ride”)

Der Mann auf der Brücke (2009) (TV) (writer: “I am the walrus”)

“Dancing with the Stars” (2 episodes, 2009)
– Episode 9.5 (2009) TV episode (“Norwegian Wood” (uncredited))
– Episode 9.4 (2009) TV episode (“Can’t Buy Me Love” (uncredited))

Funny People (2009) (writer: “Real Love”) (performer: “Watching the Wheels”)

“So You Think You Can Dance” (1 episode, 2009)
… aka “S.Y.T.Y.C.D.” – USA (alternative title)
… aka “American Dance Idol” – Japan (English title)
– Two of 14 Voted Off (2009) TV episode (writer: “Blackbird”)

“Memòries de la tele” (2 episodes, 2007-2009)
– Episode 3.30 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”)
– Episode 1.10 (2007) TV episode (writer: “With a Little Help from My Friends”, “Yesterday”)
53 premis Sant Jordi de cinematografia (2009) (TV) (writer: “She Loves You”, “All My Loving”)
“Banda sonora” (11 episodes, 2007-2009)
– Episode 5.4 (2009) TV episode (writer: “A Hard Day’s Night”)
– Episode 4.10 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Martha My Dear”)
– Episode 4.9 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Michelle”)
– Episode 3.13 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Get Back”)
– Episode 3.10 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Got to Get You Into My Life”)
(6 more)
Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009) (writer: “We Can Work It Out”)

It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

And whats worse, it’s been nearly three months since Lennon was last used in a commercial. What we find truly appalling is the fact that the Citroën ad has doctored the original Lennon interview, replacing the audio with a voice over by a Lennon impersonator. Fortunately, we have the original audio, and have taken pains to repair the damage.

We here at SMB support the attempts of the beatlemart family trust to keep this under-appreciated, uncelebrated artist from vanishing into obscurity.

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Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

The re-release of the entire Beatles album catalogue has unleashed another wave of veneration for the 60s pop band. But could there really be anyone who actively dislikes their music?

James Bond apparently hated The Beatles.

In Goldfinger, he advises Jill Masterson that “drinking Dom Perignon ‘53 above the temperature of 38 degrees” is “as bad as listening to The Beatles without earmuffs”.

The Bond girl’s own verdict on the Fab Four, unfortunately, is not recorded before her untimely demise on the inside of a coating of gold paint.

That was 1964, when 007 may have felt threatened by that year’s global success of The Beatles’ first movie, A Hard Day’s Night.

Beatles for Sale – the new Rock Band game could net $40m for the Beatles

Two years into their recording career and with Beatlemania raging on both sides of the Atlantic though, Bond was going characteristically violently against the prevailing mood. Forty-five years later, four decades after the Fab Four parted ways, his remark would be considered even more extraordinary, almost sacrilegious.

The devotional, feverish excitement over this week’s release of re-mastered versions of all 13 UK Beatles albums highlights the band’s unique, enduring appeal.

The first 50,000 box sets of mono versions of the discs, priced at £170, have already sold out, according to record company EMI.

Saturation media coverage to mark the release of the albums, of which an estimated billion copies already reside in record collections worldwide, has been led by the BBC’s “Beatles Week” series of programmes.

The Beatles seem to occupy a uniquely unassailable position in popular culture – everybody loves them. Don’t they?

What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967… I Hate the Beatles website

Not Robert Elms. The author and broadcaster is one of a tiny minority who seem willing to stick their heads above the parapet and rubbish this most sacred of British institutions.

“They did a few things that lots of people liked,” says Elms. “Everybody can like them, from grandma singing along to When I’m Sixty-Four to the little girl singing Yellow Submarine.”

But he adds: “I just think they are either childlike and simple or rather leaden and pompous – one or the other all the time.”

Theirs is a sanitised and anaemic version of American blues-inspired rock and roll, he complains.

“For me they turned something that was once sexy and raw and had roots, into something that was totally soulless, playground sing-along music.”

It’s the sort of talk which risks a midnight knock on the door from Britain’s popular culture thought police.

Guaranteed a place on every Beatles fan’s dartboard – Robert Elms

While he concedes that they did write some good songs, he can list rather more of what he calls The Beatles’ “crimes against music” – Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, Octopus’s Garden.

Elms will not play The Beatles on his BBC London daily radio show, and says feedback from listeners suggests “there is a perhaps relatively small but vociferous group of people” who share his opinion of the band.

In an article for the Glasgow paper The Herald some years ago, author and music critic David Keenan set out to find musicians who shared his dislike of The Beatles – and could find no-one.

“It is a canon that you cannot question,” he says. “Most people actually think you are just doing it for effect, putting on a front, playing the devil’s advocate.”

That this is the usual response is confirmed by Elms, who insists: “I do mean it; it’s not made up.”

Yoko lovers

However, occasionally mocking the supposed greatest band of all time can be “quite fun” as well, he admits.

David Keenan’s favourite Beatle? Yoko Ono

“I think everything that is over-inflated deserves a pin-prick in it occasionally,” Elms says. “How can they be above criticism? That’s ludicrous.”

Nor are the band any more sacred to Keenan, who says: “There is something so incredibly prissy about their music.”

He adds: “I am in such a minority that my favourite Beatle is Yoko Ono; without Yoko’s influence I don’t think there would be any Beatles music I could listen to.”

The avant-garde artist’s influence in the latter stages of The Beatles’ career inspired John Lennon, and in turn Paul McCartney, to new extremes of sonic adventure, he argues.

However, it is the slick pop of the band’s early years that is to blame for the tameness of most UK guitar music today, he insists.

“The Beatles are the absolute curse of modern indie music,” Keenan says.

“Anyone who says they are influenced by The Beatles, alarm bells start to go off; it means they are going to be completely ordinary. It’s about writing this perfectly-crafted music, the classic song – in inverted commas. It’s not about being adventurous.”

Branded a moron

Keenan’s search for likeminded dissenters finally found success, inevitably, on the internet.

‘Phoney Beatlemania’ – Comrade Strummer before entering re-education

The scattered online outposts of anti-Beatles sentiment include Suckmybeatles.com – tag-line: “Let it be …over.”

Sean, who runs the site, says fans’ reactions range from “disbelief” to considering him “downright offensive”.

“At first I’m accused of not knowing their material – usually while it’s being played behind them in Muzak form,” he says. “After I’ve proved that I’m familiar with the music, and that I can spout just as much useless trivia, I’m branded a moron who doesn’t understand music and a dangerous lunatic who should be avoided.”

“Q: What year did Paul McCartney write Silly Love Songs? A: 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966…” is typical of the witty tone of the I Hate The Beatles! Why don’t you? web page.

But the hate mail these sites apparently attract suggests many Beatles fans fail to see the funny side of having their great heroes abused.

A rare fan

Suckmybeatles.com’s Sean, of Toronto, Canada, even refuses to give his full name, owing, he says, to past death threats.

“I’ve been told the Beatles are all about ‘peace’ and ‘love’ (gimme a break, they’re just a rock and roll band) and in the next sentence [they] threaten me with death,” explains the home page of the site, Help! The Beatles Suck.

Cuddly mop tops with acute pop sensibilities… or insipid pop imperialists

Elms confirms: “On the internet, I can find some people who will hate me to the ends of the Earth because I don’t like their favourite pop group.”

Daily Telegraph music critic Neil McCormick, who calls The Beatles’ work “the most extraordinary musical journey in pop history”, is among those fans sceptical of an opposing view.

“It is a position people adopt because of the universal high regard for them,” he says. “Popular music was in its infancy – with the talents compressed into that group they pulled it in every possible direction.”

The resulting musical diversity to be found between 1962’s Love Me Do and 1970’s The Long and Winding Road includes something for everybody to enjoy, McCormick argues.

“There is a lifetime of music in The Beatles.”

He adds: “If you like popular music of the modern day, to say that you don’t like The Beatles is kind of absurd.

“It is the fount of popular culture.”

Click here to view the article on BBC

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Bloomingdale’s is offering a first-ever designer assortment of apparel and accessories, inspired by the music of the beatles. And just in time for Halloween!

Believe it or not, this time we’re speechless. Its almost as if beatlemart suddenly grew bored with its plundering of peace and love, dropped the wallets it was holding in its savage teeth and began slapping fans in the face with its engorged testicles.

This unwarranted action has actually managed to break the spell and release some fans from their catatonic worship; at least the ones not wallowing about in pools of sycophantic drool, clubbing each other with their own gnawed off limbs while waiting in line outside of the store, desperate for a chance to spontaneously combust at the sight of a new FF trinket.

Here’s a smattering of moptop worthy garments offered up by this ingenious new clothing line:

And finally, one of the most exciting new items in this collection is the new beatles…um…dick rag?

In the outspoken words of some exceptionally enraged and disgusted fans:

“That is sooo rad!!! I have such a collection of Beatles things….more would be awesome. Plus who doesn’t like shopping for clothes, and Beatles stuff?”

“Sweeeet, BEALTES FOREVER, <3 Greatest band ever by farrrrrr. And I dont just say that beacuse everyone else does, it sooo true. "

To see for yourself, Visit The Bloomingdales Site.

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Tabloids and gossip aside, its a rare occurrence when any news source prints even a partial truth about the FF. Anything less than blind praise is frowned upon. Complete, unconditional moptop worship is preferred. To say something negative about the beatles music in the press is a clever way of asking for your walking papers, along with a guarantee that you’ll never write for money again in this lifetime, at least not for any creditable organization.

This is why the following article comes as such a surprise. That AFP could let this story slip through the cracks is incredible! The author even had enough foresight to not include his name, its merely credited to a British academic. We’ve reprinted it in its entirety as well as providing a link, just in case beatlemart strikes again. Do you remember the video of McCartney calling a reporter a ‘fat little schoolgirl?’ Try and find it now, search for the phrase “Paul McCartney Is A Nasty Piece Of Work!”

Although this story could have gone much deeper, its hard to criticize such groundbreaking journalism. Instead, to help support its claims we’re contributing some rare photos of the FF

Jagger and Lennon wanted money not revolution: study
Thu Oct 9, 9:40 AM
LONDON (AFP) – Pop culture icons John Lennon and Mick Jagger were clever capitalists who cashed in on the mood of the 1960s, not spokesmen for a generation seeking revolution, a British academic said Thursday.

Cambridge University historian David Fowler said that so-called “Swinging London” was in fact beyond most normal people, “less a golden age for the nation’s young than a celebration of wealth by its social elite.”

“The 1960s are often viewed as the point at which youth culture in this country exploded, but in many ways they were the years in which the idea began to fall apart,” said Fowler.

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Fowler notes that Rolling Stones frontman Jagger himself, when asked by an interviewer whether he was a spokesman for a generation, replied that he was just a musician.

The academic, who teaches modern British history in Cambridge, said more authentically revolutionary youth movements can be found in the period between World War I and World War II.

He singled out a little-known Cambridge student Rolf Gardiner, who was fascinated by the concept of Jugendkultur in Germany as a way that young people could express themselves more freely and challenge their elders.

Gardiner’s cult championed physical labour and rural reconstruction, Fowler said, recounting also how he organised naked bathing sessions along the Cam river, as an expression of “back to nature” values.

“People forget that real youth movements are about a lot more than spending and consumerism — they are a way of life,” added the academic from Clare Hall college, Cambridge, author of “Youth Culture In Modern Britain, c.1920-c.1970.”

“People like Rolf Gardiner were true cultural subversives, pop stars before pop even existed. In terms of the influence he had on giving Britain’s young people a sense of identity … he is just as important as Mick Jagger.”

The reason the 1960s is perceived as the dawn of youth culture is because of a “break in chronology” due to World War II, which left a state of “collective amnesia,” the academic said.

Groups like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones took advantage of this — but their separation from real fans’ lives was reflected in the way they installed themselves in grand country houses, while the London “scene” was equally beyond most people’s purses.

“The world of Swinging London may be viewed as an emblem of youth culture now, but it was really for the Michael Caines of this world; an elite who could afford it,” Fowler said.

Here is a link to the original article.

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There’s so much wrong with this commercial, it’s pointless to even discuss.

*warning – don’t watch*

Click here to view the embedded video.

Best viewed with BBB’s

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Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning – Spoilers!*

Click here to view the embedded video.

The second film is of far greater cultural and historical significance. Three days in the Life come from a recently discovered wealth of John Lennon videos. Nine excruciating hours of it. This surely means eight more films. It shows the former beatle at home doing such incredible things as, brushing his teeth and cooking dinner, as well as more exciting things like walking, sitting and doing chores. Its been called a precursor to reality television. Oh boy, maybe we’ll get to see Lennon eating live maggots while walking barefoot over broken glass!

Luckily for us, at the last minute Yoko intervened and blocked its premiere claiming she didn’t authorize its release. In other words, a candid Lennon would be seen as human, and that could spoil his image. Either way, we are once again in Yoko’s debt. Thank you!

A quote from executive producer Ray F. Thomas puts the importance of this film into focus for us:

Bring your students and peers to witness an important part of history through this incredible educational documentary. It will no doubt inspire and challenge young minds to think differently and make a difference in the world … just as Lennon did.

Professor Tangier, who holds his PHD in Bullshitology, was heartbroken by this tragedy and couldn’t be reached for comment. Don’t worry professor, tomorrow there will be a new film to take your class of beatards to. Maybe they’ll even d-colorize Help! Gee, wouldn’t that be swell?

You can view eight minutes of this controversial new film here, if you have eight minutes you’d like to squander.

*warning – don’t watch*

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If you’ve ever searched for an excuse to drink on a Monday, today is for you.
Tip back a few yards of your favorite poison and don’t forget to drink to your pals at SMB.

Just be sure to avoid any noxious concoctions like the Brandy Alexander (Brandy and Milk?!?) which Lennon loved so dearly, or you may wind up in the Beatle Ford Clinic. This is a fate far worse than death, which the following video proves conclusively.

Cheers!

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Click here to view the embedded video.

Target should do some ads for earplugs next, using that song they’re guaranteed to corner the market.

For more scatological beatle ads follow this link:
The beatles are full of crap!

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