Reason # 9847 – Michael Jackson -vs- the Fab Four

In 1985 Michael Jackson purchased the rights to over two hundred beatle songs, trumping a joint bid by McCartney and Yoko Ono. Almost instantly the intense evil over-powered his gentle mind.

Instead of destroying these vile tracts by throwing them into a live volcano as was his original intention, he hid them away in the darkness of his Neverland dungeon, and just as suddenly as he had surprised the remaining FF with his coup; it was over for this courageous soul.

Succumbing to the call of a deeper and more sinister style of bubblegum pop than he had ever imagined, these songs began to transform him. He secluded himself in the darkness, and as his will grew weaker their power over him became complete. They warped his body and soul, and in the end ultimately slipped out of his grasp and found a way to get back to their dark masters.

This disastrous event didn’t go unnoticed. Fans grew concerned after his mysterious absence from the music scene. When he finally re-emerged due to public pressure, his supporters were horrified. When Jackson was questioned about his surreal deformities he nervously quipped back, ‘it’s a rare skin disease, you’re ignorant.’

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Does this story sound familiar? It should.

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This age old fable was recently made into a 37 hour movie by Peter Jackson.

Its the story of Smeagol, an unfortunate hobbit who happened upon the ring of the dark lord Sauron. Its malign influence took control, twisted his body and mind and prolonged his life well beyond its natural limits. He descended into the dark caves beneath the Misty Mountains, when he finally emerged he was almost as bad off as Michael Jackson.

The similarities between these two stories are uncanny. Just as every culture has a fable about a flood, every culture also has a tale such as this pervasive evil. Tolkien may have cleaned up his version because the real truth is far too ugly for most people to confront. Mark our words, there will be many more stories like this until the reign of the FF has ended, only then will these dark days come to pass.

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Reason #800% – The Beatles Compressed

I’m sure you’ve heard about the entire UK cataloge of the beatles being compressed into one hour by Steve McLaughlin.
You’re probably waiting for a derogatory comment about this useless endeavor, but here at SMB, we support it!

If they were to play all their songs on the air compressed at 800%, there would be a fair chance something else might slip into the average classic rock stations playlist, or at the very least the torture would be over quickly.

In all honestly, it would still be filled with ads for the next ridiculous remix, followed by the Led Zeppelin clone of the week.

I don’t know what kind of brain dead sycophant could listen to this for an entire hour, let alone edit it. God help us!

If you do happen to be a brain dead beatle sycophant, listen up. I have a huge treat. No, its not a link to this testament to a wasted life, its 800% better:

The Complete Exotic Beatles Vol 2 compressed into two minutes!

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I know how its hard to fit in time to listen to superb beatle covers, especially since the White Album is duct taped to your turntable. Here’s your chance to hear MORE bEATLES while not even listening to the beatles!

Perfect for trips to the bathroom, the bedroom, getting the laundry. Just pop it in your iPod and its FF time, oh yeah!

Reason #948- Martin Scorsese loses mind!

Scorcese describing how they inserted bamboo shoots under his fingernails until he agreed to this film.
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Martin Scorsese has been busy shooting some very popular music biographies over the past few years, the likes of which include, Bob Dylan: No Direction Home and The Blues: A musical Journey. He was also in production shooting a documentary on The Rolling Stones, which was mysteriously delayed when it was announced they were making a movie about late beatle George Harrison’s life. It looks like the Stones will have to take a back seat yet again while beatlemart grinds out another gazillion dollar hunk of crap.

Isn’t there another stupid TV show from the 70’s that needs remaking? C’mon Hollywood, think!

The biopic seem to revolve around a recently discovered wealth of vintage footage showing the boring beatle sitting in his garden drinking tea, walking around his estate looking at things, and making pickles. The latter will undoubtedly be the highlight of the film. The official name hasn’t been announced yet but several working titles have been suggested, including; Boring Fellas, Cape Tame and Subdued Bull. The Heinz company is pulling for Subdued Bull, as it will fit in perfectly with the launch for their new campaign, ‘Hey BullDogs.’

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No word yet on who is going to play the lead, but unconfirmed sources have pointed to these engaging possibilities:


A slab of wood:

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Leonardo DeCaprio:

A favorite of Scorcese’s. It’s is rumored that this famous thespian may be in the running to play Harrison. You may scoff, but don’t forget the incredible job he did of making unkempt old Jim Carroll look like a slight ruffled pretty-boy in The Basketball Diaries.

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Can you tell the difference?

Perhaps one day Oliver Stone will make a five hour movie explaining this event, and what ultimately drove Scorsese to these horrible ends.

Reason # 391 – Sing it Children

There are some pretty amazing covers on this album, but in my opinion nothing comes as close to perfection as this incredible cover of Sgt Pepper. There’s not much add here, I think the music speaks for itself.

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Bill Cosby Sings Hooray for the Salvation Army Band!


I discovered this album on the great Music For Maniacs Blog.

Reason # 5173 George Harrison, the silenced Beatle?

In the years since George Harrison’s passing, more and more evidence has come to light that points to a growing conspiracy coming from within the FF ! It’s starting to look as if Harrison was not the quiet beatle which you’ve been led to believe, but the subversive beatle who was silenced through threats, humiliation and torture.

In the early days Harrison was told to just shut up and play his guitar, to speak only when spoken to, and forced to memorize stock responses for the press. Although he wrote his own material, songs were given to him with instructions governing what and when to sing.

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The first time the FF relented and gave him an opening was in ’63 when they recorded his song Don’t Bother Me. This fluffy little victory gave him the confidence he needed to begin seeding his message to the masses.

At first he was encouraged to write for each album. This came to a head a short time later in ’65 when he wrote Think For Yourself. Not only was this an anti-establishment song which interrupted their plan for pretending to be anti-establishment when their cuteness wore off, it also tried to tell people to think for themselves. This is against everything the FF stood for! If people began to think for themselves, who would buy their albums?

The next album turned out to be Revolver. Harrison somehow managed to sneak Taxman, a blatantly anti-government song, into the sessions. The rest of the group was so threatened they decided it was time to silence this mole. In an effort to make him quit the group, Paul took his guitar and re-recorded the famous intro lick to the song when Harrison was sent out to pick up fish and chips. The ploy didn’t work and Harrison persevered. This is also the point where Lennon refused to contribute to any more of Harrison’s songs.

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I Want to Tell You was written shortly after this incident, but what he was trying to tell us was somehow subverted before it left the studio and the message was lost. Sensing the impending danger Harrison began to fear for his life and muted the messages he was trying to send to the world.
The desire to drive him out or shut him up escalated. Harrison (and Starr for that matter) received only 1.6% of all FF royalties; this included his own songs, while John and Paul each got a hefty 30%. This was mentioned in Harrison’s Only A Northern Song, much to the amusement of the other now rich beatles.

There’s a plethora of previously undocumented information now coming to light, and the truth will soon be known. Just what was he trying to tell us? What kinds of hell was he submitted to? Only time will tell, but rest easy knowing the full story will soon be discovered. SMB is on the case.

Reason #6981 – Please Disease Me

She’s got a ticket to ride. She’s got some astrogli-hi hide.
What the hell am I talking about?
Ticket to Ride was written by John Lennon and it was inspired by….what else?
German Prostitutes!
In Germany at the time hookers were required to have monthly health checks, after which they received a card to prove they were STD free. As the beats would put it, they needed to check out the octopus’s garden. Oh what joy for every girl and boy, knowing they’re happy and they’re safe. That’s right, wild honey pie inspections. Fixing a hole.
Apparently the beatles were no strangers to hiding their love away, in spite of all the danger. “If you couldn’t get groupies, we had whores.” John Lennon related to
Rolling Stone Magazine’s
Jan Wenner in a 1970 interview, “There were photos of me crawling round on my knees coming out of whorehouses in Amsterdam with people saying: ‘Good morning, John.’

Well, what’s a couple of hookers among friends?

The famous ditty Maggie Mae was about a prostitute in Liverpool. In fact, Maggie is slang for prostitute. Lady Madonna was about a single mother trying to make ends meet by walking the street. Mich kaufen kann Liebe, ja ja ja!

We decided to follow up on some of this information and separate fact from fiction, so at great length we tracked down and eventually landed an interview with the now famous Maggie Mae. Her real name is Margaret-Anne Maye, she currently resides just outside of Liverpool in Bootle. Ironically, she’s also twenty minutes from the John Lennon Airport. Here is a brief transcript from the interview:

SMB: Maggie, I’m sorry, Margaret-Anne, is it true that you used to sleep with the bealtes for money?
MM: We were all very poor in those days. I was a dreadfully ugly young girl…
SMB: (interrupting) You’re still quite ugly, I’m afraid.
MM: Ahem…yes, I suppose so. Anyway my specialty was gobbling…
SMB: I’m sorry?
MM: Plate. Gate. Um, oral sex. As I was saying, we were all so poor in those days, the boys rarely had any money and I used to do it just to get something warm in my stomach.
SMB: (vomits)

If thats not enough proof, here it is right from a beatles mandibles:
Continue reading

Reason #390 – The beatle Barkers!

This is perhaps the most talented group ever to cover a song by the FF.

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Not only does the dog capture the subtle nuances of Paul’s vocals, the counterpoint between the chicken and the sheep is breathtaking. Can you imagine how long it took all those animals to sing together like that? The original pales in comparison on so many levels, I just can’t say enough about it.

It doesn’t stop here folks, these inspired animals recorded at least one entire album, the first entitled Woofers and Tweeters.

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The beatle Barkers on Amazon

The beatle Barkers on Ebay. Money well spent!

The beatle Barkers at WFMU

Reason # 6391 “Please Displease Me”

In 1962 Paul wrote ‘I saw her standing there’ about a girl he saw…standing there.
In 1963 the debut album ‘Please Please Me’ was released, the same year John F Kennedy was assassinated.

Coincidence?

Take a closer look:

John Lennon’s middle name was Winston after Winston Churchill, and one brief year later Churchill was also dead.
Then suddenly, 37-year-old Medgar Evers is murdered in Jackson, Mississippi. Pope John XXIII dies, as well as Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis. President Johnson escalates American’s military involvement in the Vietnam War. An earthquake in Libya destroys the village of Barce leaving 500 dead. A hurricane and resulting Tsunami cause Flooding in East Pakistan Bangladesh killing 22,000.A large cloud resembling the face of Jesus is seen on Sunset Mountain, Arizona. A Buddhist monk commits self-immolation. A smallpox outbreak in Stockholm, Sweden. In Japan, a coal mine explosion kills 458 and sends 839 carbon monoxide poisoning victims to the hospital and a triple train disaster kills 161. The cruise ship Lakonia burns 180 miles north of Madeira, with the loss of 128 lives.

The devestation unleashed by this album was far reaching and incredible.

And then out of nowhere Iron Man, Thor, Ant Man, the Wasp and Hulk assemble for the first time.

Thats some coincidence.

Also on this album was the title track, ‘Please Please Me,’ an overt sexual invitation penned by Lennon which was based on a song his mother used to sing to him as a child.

Recite these lyrics aloud three times while staring into a mirror with the lights out. If you dare.

Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Please please me.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.
Oh yeah.
Like I please you.

Now try this simple equation:

Oedipus+complex=?

The horror.

Reason # 389 – The beatles forever – Various artists

This is a wonderful example of the beatles influence on modern culture, we have artists from different generations and different genres teaming up to pay homage to the FF. In 1977 ABC aired a beatles television special called beatles Forever! The all star cast consists of Tony Randall, Bernadette Peters, Diane Carroll, and Paul Williams. Also involved were Anthony Newley, Mel Tillis, and inscrutably Ray Charles.

This nine minute opus entitled ‘beatles Medley‘ should serve to horrify you even more than actually witnessing the event, the images it puts into your head cannot be unseen.
For anyone unfortunate enough to happen upon this page, I apologize. I’m warning you in advance not to listen. I tried to find the least offensive song, but in the end I closed my eyes and pointed to this.

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The entire album can be found on WFMU’s great site, here is a direct link:

http://wfmu.org/onthedownload.php/album/1765

The full track listing is pretty impressive, the Chinese water torture has nothing on the results this could garner.

1. “INTRODUCTION BEATLES MEDLEY” by Tony Randall, Bernadette Peters, Anthony Newley, Dianne Carroll, Mel Tillis, and Paul Williams

2. “BEATLES MEDLEY” by Tony Randall, Bernadette Peters, Dianne Carroll, and Paul Williams

3. “YESTERDAY” by Ray Charles

4. “ELEANOR RIGBY” by Anthony Dowell with The ABC Television Orchestra & Chorus

5. “WITHIN YOU WITHOUT YOU” by Anthony Newley

6. “IN MY LIFE, HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE” by Dianne Carroll

7. “BEATLES MEDLEY” by Ray Charles, Tony Randall, Bernadette Peters, Anthony Newley, Dianne Carroll, Mel Tillis, and Paul Williams.

8. “CLOSING” by Tony Randall

Reason # 8392 – Hey Rude

Harken back to a happier time, a time when cheerful youth clubs like the Edwardians, the Mods and the Rockers played in the carefree streets of the 50’s and 60’s, out for a laugh and a some fun. ‘Golly Gee’ and ‘Jeepers’ they would yell at each other while playing catch with their pocketknives and bike chains.

Suddenly, all that changed. The streets turned ugly and so did the language. One day the knife was no longer a fun toy, but a dangerous weapon. By the early 70’s it was all a distant memory. Children began turning against their parents, chaos ruled the night and golly gee turned in to I’m gonna fucking kill you!

Ever wonder what happened? It can all be traced back to a singular event, in 1968 on August 28 in North America and August 30 in the UK, the beatles released the single Hey Jude. It snaked instantly into the charts and remained there for sixteen weeks, spending two in the number one position (before getting knocked out by Mary Hopkin’s eerily prophetic ditty, Those Were The Days).

This cheerful little six minute dirge contained enough subliminal debauchery to castrate the common decency of every god-fearing human that heard it. The hypnotically boring, mantra-like outro served as the mallet which hammered its spiked message into the consciousness of a generation.

This concealed directive occurs at approximately 2:55 in the song, briefly into the third verse between the lines The minute you let her under your skin and, then you begin. Right as the word begin is sung you’ll hear an Paul say, ‘Fucking Hell.’ Listen closely:

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To prove this isn’t a doctored recording go and listen to the album. If you don’t have seventeen copies already go buy another one, drop another donation in the church of beatleology on your way out the door.

Further Reading:

For a deeper look into the horrid dungeon of filth, evil and despair that comprised the beatles recording sessions from Revolver in ’66 to the White Album in ’68, take a look at the memoirs of Geoff Emerick, a poor soul unfortunate enough to have suffered through these dark days as a recording engineer. His mind has obviously been bent and warped out of shape from the trauma of these years, in fact I’m surprised he’s not a drooling idiot at this point and is still coherent enough to spit frenzied words at some beatle apologist hungry to make his quota of FF books for the week. If you can’t forgive him for what he helped wrought on mankind, just try and remember these points:

1. Somebody else would have done it.

2. They might not have been brave or strong enough to stay alive and report the Hey Jude incident.

Geoff Emerick’s book

Reason # 947 – Underrated guitarist seeks recognition.

The wonderful folks at Rolling Stone Magazine have once again brought us a comprehensive, impartial and unbiased list aimed at helping 14 year old girls, university students, and wanna be hipsters sound like they know something about music. If you flip through the full page glossy ads bejeweled with anorexic models long enough, you will eventually find an article. Normally, the purpose of these articles seem to be aimed at pushing to you follow in HST’s footsteps, or poking out your eyes with a subscription card so you don’t have to read anymore. Every once in a while there will be one thats really bad.

Like this:

The twenty-five most underrated guitarists.

Surprisingly, I agree with a couple of those choices.

Unfortunately, putting George Harrison on a list of underrated guitar players cancels any credibility this list might have contained. How did they leave out those other underrated guitarists Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughn and Jimi Hendrix!?!

To call one of the most overrated guitarist in history underrated is not just an insult to your intelligence, its a sign that these people don’t even bother trying anymore. I refuse to believe the general public has been conditioned to the point that they need only print the word beatle or mention an FF name and suddenly wallets are flying while we drool and chew our beatle cud.

If I’m wrong, and we’re too late, click here and subscribe:

Rolling Stone

Why not? You’ll just buy the next remix (scheduled to be out in about five minutes, after that every five minutes for eternity) of Let It Be with that money anyway.

Reason # 491 – Spellcheck

Your spell checker wants you to capitalize the B in beatles. What the hell is that?!? Are they taking over the English language now? Lower case kids from Liverpool make good in Oxford? I guess Bealtisms will soon be taught in public school. Clever phrases like, ‘It’s Art with a Capital F’ will be scratched on blackboards by bored looking emo children who can’t understand this newspeak, and on the playground cautiously whisper to one another the patua language of proper English.

Merriam Webster my ass!

Reason # 435 – The Concept Album, again.

As previously mentioned, the beatles claimed they invented the concept album with Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Lets try and look at this from a different angle. What exactly is a concept album and did the bealtes even release one? They stuck a bunch of songs together, and two of them were about a fictitious guy named Billy Shears so I guess that is a concept, but it could also be called a record.

There were cutouts to play with and a bunch of people on the cover to look at, but that’s more of what we call an album cover.
The definition of concept is ‘something conceived in the mind…’ So it’s a thought. This was the first thought album?
What the hell does that mean?!?!

Well, as Paul so eleoquently described it:
“a complete thing that you could make what you liked of—just a little magical presentation.”

Thanks a lot, fairy.

Reason # 657 – The concept album

Isn’t it amazing how the beatles invented everything and everyone else just copied them?

In 1967 they invented the concept ablum with Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts club band.
In fact, it was such a brilliant idea the Kink’s copied it two years earlier with ‘Face to Face.’
So did the Beach Boys with their ’66 concept album ‘Pet Sounds.’
Even Frank Zappa took their idea, got into his UMRC time machine and made Freak Out! 2 years earlier in ’65.

In fact, the beatles invented the word beetles. Until then any insects with a hard exoskeletons and scaly wings were called Insects with hard exoskeletons and scaly wings waiting to be invented by four moptops from Liverpool!

Reason # 254 – My Stupid Face

 

 

Some may argue that Paul has a great voice, but nobody can argue that he has a stupid face.

 

You can follow the stupidification progress chronologically by looking at the album covers and watch the transformation from a mildly normal looking youth, to the surprised Beatle.

By the time of Revolver and later Yellow Submarine the band was drawing or painting him, on Sgt Pepper and Magical Mystery costumes and disguises, were used but it was too late.

 

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His famous, “crumpet up the butt” look was seen on the cover of so many magazines, posters and movie screens that when the beatles finally broke up, not even John and Yoko’s hairy bushes could save him from his face.

 

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You’ve gotta Hand it to Paul, some grow old gracefully, some grow old and ugly, but with the Help! of plastic surgeons and hair dye Paul has managed to remain stupid looking for over 40 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reason # 254 – Singing Harmonies

 

 

 

The Beatles Invented singing harmonies, its true.

 

If you listen to any recordings before 1964 there were no harmonies! If two or more people did happen to sing together it was either by accident, or they were both calling the same pig.

 

Its been said by negative naysayers that there does exist pre-beatle harmonies, and examples such as the beach boys or The Everly Brothers are cited. Or to beat a dead horse; Barbershop quartets, Bach’s Cantatas, before he rolled over and took one up the Jolly Roger from a moptop – Beethoven’s Fidelio, a gazillion choral pieces, a beatillion operas……But!

To me and the Beats that’s not really singing, its just a bunch of people making mouth noises at the same time.

To me and the Beats its nothing but a hoshposh of aimless vocal wankery.

 

Harmonies about surfing? Tell me another one!