I’m Looking Through You: Unpleasant Facts About John Lennon

John Lennon kissing himself

Listserve has published such a great article it deserves to be shared on the hallowed pages of SMB. There is no need to elaborate, the author has done a wonderful job here.

A few choice quotes:

As his critics sometimes point out, all you have to do is go straight to his songs. The man who sang “imagine no possessions” lived a millionaire’s life in a posh New York hotel. The man who sang “imagine no religion” was obsessed with every spiritual and New Age fad that came his way, including Hindu meditation, the I-Ching, and astrology of all kinds. The man who sang “all you need is love” was a bitter, violent, and angry man who abused his family and friends. The man who praised having “nothing to kill or die for” helped finance and publicize radical groups who extolled the use of violence.

Lennon was remarkably under-talented. First, he was at best an average guitar player, mostly confined to basic rhythm parts, and his piano playing wasn’t much better. As for his songwriting, yes he did write a handful of truly inspired songs, but as time passes and the nostalgic hype surrounding the Beatles begins to fade, a lot of his works comes off as silly and dated.

Even in the early days when the Beatles were a struggling bar band, he used to extol them by saying they would go “to the topper most of the popper most.” He happily went along with the Beatles’ haircuts, suits, and calculated image; as well as the band’s innumerable media appearances; only denouncing it all as shallow and empty later in life, when he was cultivating an avant-garde reputation.

Kudos Edward Benjamin!

Top 10 Unpleasant Facts About John Lennon

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2012

Yikes, this year flew by faster than a beatle condom on Ebay. We would like to issue an official apology to all our friends for the pathetic number of updates this past year. This is not from a shortage of material, we’ve suffered through the same quantity of tin eared sludge scraped from the bowels of the beatle septic tank as any other year.

Every once in a while you need to step back and gain a fresh perspective. We’ve tried to plug our noses and forget the stench beatlemania has soured the world with for over forty years, but to no avail. The beatles are the Exxon Valdez of the music industry, and the damage and destruction their tuneless crude has caused to the musical environment will take several months longer to correct than we first imagined. This coming year we vow to stay atop the Deepwater Horizon of beatlemart, the BP of pop, and expose it’s crimes for all to hear (or just turn on the radio and you’ll hear it for yourself).

With that said,

Welcome to the sixth annual Suck My Beatles Free beatles Christmas Cards spectacular!

Once again we’ve tried to leave out the holiday messages so you can give out these beautiful cards all year round! We like to think of it as ‘paying it forward’ as opposed to beatlemarts ‘pay us more, muthafucka.’

To print these cards try holding down Ctrl P, Command P on the Mac, or ask your mom for help if you are a beatle fan.

NEVERMIND the beatles

Continue reading

The beatles suck, and so do these shirts

Beautiful shirts for beautiful people

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

Proclaim your love of the most overrated, overplayed, over-hyped, sugary pop boy band ever to be crammed down your unwilling gullet. Finally you can walk proudly down the street, holding your head high while watching the heads of the beatle-blind explode when faced with the ugly truth.

Too Hot!

These quality designs have been banned from every online marketplace, and now they can be yours!

How it works

Download the compressed file.
Own a t-shirt.
Black designs are for light shirts, white designs are for dark shirts.
Google ironing directions.
Better yet, get some professionally printed and share with the world.

Right Click and Download [800k]:

Free beatles Suck T-shirts

The beatles let it be over free t-shirt iron on

The beatles let it be over free t-shirt iron on

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

The beatles are a crap band free t-shirt iron on

beatle heads on a stick free t-shirt iron on

And for the ladies:

The beatles scuk free t-shirt iron on

Celebrities spotted wearing SMB trends

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

The beatles suck free t-shirt iron on

I Hate the beatles

I’m not trying to be controversial, and it’s not just a phase I’m going through.

This beautiful work of art was created by designer and photographer Phil Rose. We’d like to salute this brave artist, who has undoubtedly gone into exile after a fatwa was declared on him for slandering the holy name of the beatles.

I hate the beatles

You can visit the author’s Flickr page here, and do whatever it is you do on Flickr pages:
I hate the beatles, by Phil Rose

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2011

2011 was a busy year for the beatles. There was a book released this year about Yellow Submarine. Yes, Yellow Submarine. Paul McCartney wrote a ballet and re-released a book of paintings. Martin Scorsese made a movie about George Harrison. A book of John Lennon’s letters and cards was released. Ringo is working on his 17th solo album. Somebody made a beatle Love app. John Lennon’s extracted molar sold for $31,000. I’d like to think this is just because of the approaching Armageddon, the Mayan prediction of 2012 and the end of the Long Count Calendar, the End of Days, or even because it’s nearly Christmas.

Unfortunately the truth is far more grievous. This is simply the normal output for the beatlemart/beatleblind mechanism. Every 45 seconds beatlemart pukes another regurgitated blob of insufferable, un-listenable, unwatchable, inedible, ‘must have’ new releases. You aren’t dreaming when you suddenly realize that the beatles released 12 new albums in 2011, or that there were 47 new books written about them, or 12 documentaries, 2 docu-dramas, 4 musicals, 1 opera and 2 new religions based on the writings of The Four.

This revelation can only mean it’s time for Suck My Beatles fifth annual, insanely popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza! This year we decided to leave out the Christmas messages so you can give out these beautiful cards all year round! We like to think of it as ‘paying it forward’ as opposed to beatlemarts ‘pay us more, muthafucka.’

To print these cards try holding down Ctrl P, Command P on the Mac, or ask your mom for help if you are a beatle fan.

Three Wise Monkeys hate the beatles

The beatles made crap music

The beatles make bad music

The beatles sucked live

stop The beatles before they suck forever

The beatles music was gay, i mean that in the 4th grade sense

The beatles blow

For More Beatles Christmas Cards:

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2010
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2007

To download printer-friendly versions of these cards see instructions at the end of one of these previous collections.

The beatles all Come Together

the beatles come together

The beatles, Coming Together and the ultimate circle jerk

Circle Jerk definition:
1. A circle jerk is a sexual practice in which a group of men or boys form a circle and masturbate themselves or each other.
2. A boring or time-wasting meeting or other event
3. (beatles) Worthless or oversimplified ideas; drivel: intellectual pap

What do you get when you combine idiotic lyrics sung without a hint of melody over a turgid, plodding beat? If you said one of the dumbest songs ever recorded and one of the most revered rock anthems of the beatles career, give yourself a pat on the back.

Come Together also happens to be one of the most covered songs of all time, and the second most covered beatles song after ‘Yesterday.’ Every year bands continue to cash in on it’s easily recognized Oompa Loompa stoner groove. It’s become a staple of the live music scene. If you want to make it in a bar band playing lame covers to a room full of disinterested drunks you really need to learn this this cursed monkey paw of a song, alongside of Mustang Sally and Black Magic Woman.

They Muddied Water

Many fans of the FF point to this song as proof of the beatles originality. It stands as confirmation that not only did this band revolutionize rock music by singing about holding hands, they also saved it by showing the world how to rock hard. According to these experts, when this song hit the airwaves nothing came close to matching the rawness or groove of this inspired song.

It might come as a shock to these fans that when this song came out rock music did not need to be saved by a group of semi-mystical, costume clad, success bloated cream puffs. It needed to be saved from them! Rock music was doing fine in spite of the beatles. Just like this song!
Continue reading

Fan Mail #6 – pauls left testicle could kick ur ass

You don’t know that the beatles you say is actually you

beatles on the phone

It’s been a while since our last Fan Mail extravaganza. This is not because of a shortage of messages, but because FF fans seem to share a universal mind and vocabulary. When not writing endless streams of books and articles idolizing this heinous musical abyss, they write to us. In fact, the final message in this post was taken directly from the opening chapter of ‘A Hard Day’s Write: The Stories Behind Every Beatles Song.’

We were asked recently by one of the few coherent folks who write in what percentage of messages are illiterate death threats. Roughly it can be broken down as 94% ignorant rants, 2% intelligible rants, 1% ignorant supporters, 2% intelligible supporters (this last percentage may be exaggerated).

u r an idiot with no taste of music.

We’ve stopped responding to the majority of messages because these people usually leave incorrect contact information (or more likely can’t spell out their email addresses). The time not wasted writing responses has been put to much better use, mainly playing beatle monopoly.

Here’s a slew of recent mail. Please enjoy responsibly

Ringo wrote:

You guys are faggets. You don’t understand music. your brainwashed by this new garbage. You all obviously have no lifes if you make a sight about how the beatles suck and make fucking t-shirts? your fucking retarted

John wrote:

Why do you have to ask me what 4+25 is MOTHERFUCKER! This website sucks, you fucking sucks, the fans here suck. GO FUCK YOURSELF SUCK ASS MOTHERFUCKER AND FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!

Continue reading

Giving Away Something of Value

Fear and Loathing in Phoenix

beatle Highway sign, warning beatle hazard

Our loyal friend Anonymous, outspoken critic of the dreaded FF menace and seeker of truth and wisdom, has given us a great gift: a paper he wrote for his English class. The prompt was “How I gave something away of value.” Unbeknown to him, the professor was a closet beatlehead. He got a D. This short exercise introduced him to the fierce oppression which faces every free thinking music fan who turns a deaf ear to the cloth eared. It has inspired him to battle on, and write his semester paper on why the beatles are the most overrated band ever. A valiant goal. He will undoubtedly fail English.

You’re Welcome, Mom: Giving Away Something of Value

For this prompt I did not actually give away something of value. Over the Thanksgiving break I drove to Phoenix with two brothers, a sister-in-law, and a dog. My grandmother lives there. My parents and another brother drove to Phoenix from Texas. Before I continue it is important to explain that I have a burning hatred of the beatles, so much so that I do not capitalize the name. I grew up assuming they really were as great as everyone made them out to be. But after listening to the Number Ones album in my 11th grade art class for several weeks, I realized that that was not the case. The more I heard, the more I realized that not only are they not a good band, they are awful! After researching the band, I only found more and more evidence that the members were generally terrible people and marginally talented musicians who were supremely over-hyped by hordes of brainwashed music journalists. I hate the music, the people, the legacy and most of the fans I encounter. I hate the beatles at the loss of friends, relationships, and possibly in the future, jobs.

Back to the story: while we were driving through the streets of Phoenix, for no apparent reason, my mother tossed a beatles boxed set of CDs onto my lap. My mother has exquisite musical tastes; everything from the intimidating genre of classical music to the folk-pop groups of her youth. (She even admits to liking “Stairway to Heaven.”) Despite such a fine musical pedigree, she claims to enjoy the beatles’ early music for nostalgic purposes. She is well aware of my enmity towards the terrible Brit-pop quartet, and I suppose she anticipated a humorous outburst by confronting me with her boxed set. I’m used to people bringing up the beatles in conversation in order to be entertained by an inevitable vitriolic diatribe. Personally I think this practice is rather sadistic. But no more digressions, back to the story: without hesitating, or even considering what I was doing, I opened the car door and tossed the box set out. We did not turn around to retrieve it. As far as I know, the boxed set of the beatles’ early years to this day lies somewhere on Shea Blvd.

So I did not give away something of value. I threw away something belonging to someone else, whose value, according to the Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price, was $69.98. My suggested retail price for the same item would be slightly lower than the price of a small bag of garbage. What I did may be construed by some as inconsiderate and destructive, but I know that what I did was perform a highly valuable service. My quick action saved my mother from the burden of owning music by the most overrated band of all time. She would no longer be forced to hear their syrupy melodies, treacly ballads and just plain boring songs. No more would the mind-numbingly bad refrain from “I Want To Hold Your Hand” waft through her office, deadening the senses of the coworkers and students who stop by. No longer would such perversions as the “tit-tit-tit-tit” chorus from “Girl” grate on the ear drums of passengers in her car. Never again would our home, a veritable Heaven On Earth, be polluted by the somnambulistic anthem “Love Me Do”. You’re welcome, Mom.

At least in my mother’s defense, her former box set contained only the beatles’ early albums, before they begat the truly egregiously bad songs, such as “Maxwell Silver Hammer,” “Yellow Submarine,” or “Obla di Obla Please Shoot Me”.

After I freed my mother from the shame and guilt of owning The Capitol Albums Vol. I, I saw a stunned look on her face. Perhaps she was not ready to confess and forsake that miscarriage of music. Perhaps she wondered how her sweet third son could have developed such an intense hatred for anything. However she felt at the moment I do not know. I knew that with time she would come to appreciate what I had done for her. And I was right. Later she admitted that their music was starting to get on her nerves.

Thomas Re-writes the beatles

Brilliantly reinventing the music of the beatles

beatles guitar pedal

This site has been known to spend a lot of time portraying the beatles in a less than positive light. It pains us that this needs to be done, that everyday innocent people fall prey to the hype, conditioning and brainwashing which has created the beatle brand. Quite frankly, music is subjective and we don’t really care if there are those among us who wish to self-flagellate their senses with overrated, overplayed, corporate sponsored bubblegum rock, just leave us out of it.

What really drives us is the fight against the extreme musical fundamentalists this band produces, a group whose ideal is musical totalitarianism, a group which won’t stop until every book, record and movie not pertaining to or portraying their idols in a positive light has been destroyed and perpetrators are put to death by having brick walls toppled down on them.

Good music by the beatles, I don’t believe it!

This is why when we hear somebody breathe fresh life into the musical sarcophagus the fab four have left behind, somebody who can take a song and re-invent it so brilliantly that it leaves us astonished this is the same band we’ve spent so much time trying to put into perspective, it really makes us rethink our entire position.

Without further ado we’d like to introduce the musical mastermind Thomas, whose fresh take on the music of the beatles has shaken and inspired us. Please enjoy responsibly:

Click here to listen to the MP3

(This will open a streaming mp3 player. If for some reason it doesn’t work find Thomas’ songs on this page and use the Flashplayer instead.)

If this music makes you want to run out and buy the latest Let it Be remix, Re-un-naked with new spring fashions #13943, take your money and put it instead towards an independent, non-commercial radio station. I think we can all agree the beatles have enough money by now.

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2010

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2010

There are seventy-five new beatle books this month decorating store windows and displays. Their entire catalogue has been re-released and repackaged twice this year, and the record shops are bursting at the seams with these sugary confections. There were twelve movies about the beatles released in the last six months, and all of them are available on DVD at every convenience store, massage parlour and hot dog stand across the universe. Fab Four muzak is being pumped through speakers and poisoning crowds in shopping malls, elevators, street corners, taxicabs.

I’d like to say this is because Christmas is just around the corner, but the only thing that differentiates the volume of beatlemart’s putrid output this time of year from any other is that the prices have been jacked up, shoppers are more psychotic, and you get your choice of a free soup tureen or lube job with every 40th purchase of a beatles collectible troll doll.

In order to instill some hope for the rest of us and reinstate our faith in mankind, to send out a positive message of good cheer (and more importantly good taste), SMB has returned with the overwhelming popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza!

The audience has spoken and consecutively voted our cards the Best Free Beatles Suck Christmas Cards of 2007 , Best Free Anti-beatle Christmas Cards of 2008 and the prestigious Best Free I Hate The Beatles Holiday Cards of 2009. With your help we expect this year will be the greatest FF free holiday season to date.

Send these card to fab-blind fans, clueless relatives and brain dead associates. Do your part to stamp out the beatlemart this year, free of charge. Save your money for the important things in life like Hannah Montana smart cars and Justin Bieber jock straps.

To download printer-friendly versions of these cards see instructions at the end.

Beatles Suck Baby Christmas Card

Continue reading

How the Beatles Destroyed Rock ‘n’ Roll

Book Review: How the Beatles Destroyed Rock ‘n’ Roll

An Alternative History of American Popular Music

Book review for How the Beatles Destroyed Rock 'n' Roll

HTBDR&R is an exhaustively researched history of popular music, analyzed in excruciating detail from its rural African-American songbook, through jazz, swing, and R&B, all the way up to relatively modern times.

Unfortunately for readers, it’s also an exhausting read (as 75 pages of footnotes attests to), appearing in the form of a thesis written for undergraduates to wade through, quote from, and pretend to agree with before racing home and crankin’ up ‘She Loves You’ on their laptops and ipod docks, dancing their bespectacled tushies around dorm rooms until the last of the Red Bull wears off. Afterwards they remove the elbow padded tweed jackets and enter the land of golden slumbers where Blue Meanies sing duets with bands named after wolves and bears. I digress.

The book never quite lives up the potential of its fantastic title, which the publisher warned us before mailing out a copy, “is meant to attract attention, debate and controversy.”

Nor does the promise ever realize the heights touched upon in the brilliant opening remarks by the author,

The idea of a steady progression from ragtime to rap is tempting to a historian because it shows a clear live of development over an extended period of time. And if one accepts that continuum, then the Whiteman orchestra and the beatles played very similar roles: not as innovators but as rear guarding holding actions, attempting to maintain older, European standards as the streamlining force of rhythm rolled over them. Within the small world of music nuts, there have always been some who regard the beatles in just this way. In their view, rock is rooted in African-American music, and it’s evolution was from blues and R&B through Little Richard, Ruth Brown, and Rat Charles toward James Brown and Aretha Franklin, and on to Parliament/Funkadelic and Grandmaster Flash.

By the time the beatles hit, still playing the rhythms of Chuck Berry and Carl Perkins, that style was already archaic and their contributions were to resegregate the pop charts by distracting white kids from the innovations of the soul masters, to diffuse rock’s energy with effetely sentimental ballads like “Yesterday” – paving the way for Simon and Garfunkel, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Elton John, and Billy Joel – and then to drape it in a robe of arty mystification, opening the way for the Velvet Underground, Pink Floyd, Yes, and Emerson, Lake and Palmer. In other words, rather than being a high point of rock, the beatles destroyed rock‘n’roll, turning it from a vibrant black (or integrated) dance music into a vehicle for white pap and pretension.

Continue reading

The Beatles Suck For Sale

Believe it or not, Beatles for sale is still for sale

The Beatles Suck

The Beatles For Sale, aka: beatles IV, aka: beatles ’65, found the FF at their burnt out, resentful and cynical best at what might be called ‘the ass end of beatlemania.’ Herded back into the studio with a diamond encrusted cattle prod a mere six days after finishing A Hard Days Night, and reeling from being reamed repeatedly by beatlemart, this Jerry-rigged collection of c-side material is a good example of what can happen when a band is transformed into an ATM machine.

Composed primarily of filler and cover songs, even the FF themselves were somewhat shocked at how low they had sunk. If only they could have known this was merely the beginning! McCartney describe his song “What You’re Doing” as “a bit of filler…. Maybe it’s a better recording than it is a song…” and Lennon later admitted, “Eight Days A Week was never a good song. We struggled to record it and struggled to make it into a song. It was his (Paul’s) initial effort, but I think we both worked on it. I’m not sure. But it was lousy anyway.” Once again, we can’t help but agree with the bespectacled one.

This album is also groundbreaking for containing one of the worst cover songs ever recorded, the nausea inducing Mr. Moonlight. As a whole, this slipshod concoction was so awful that Paul McCartney himself decided not to stamp his feet and hold his breath until the songwriting credits were changed from “Lennon/McCartney” to “McCartney/Lennon” the way he has on other albums.

We realize it’s hard to categorize any specific album by the moptops as bad when faced with the horrific results the rest of their putrescent output has generated. For this reason we’d like to invite beatle fans use this record as inspiration to avoid the entire beatle catalog.

Please think of yourself, good people.

Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I’d still have to bum rides off people.

-Ferris Beuller

Revolution Number Two

John Lennon’s toilet sells for $14,740

Number Two…Number One…Number Two….

Beatle albums are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink.

Speaking of which, some of the beatles best work has obviously passed through this holy vessel which sold for more than George Harrison’s crab comb, but slightly less than Paul McCartney’s adult diapers. Unfortunately for the lucky buyer, the item was emptied and cleaned before the sale. Its contents were sent to Sir George Martin to remix for the next beatles box set, entitled Beatles Number Two.

Album cover for the follow up to One, beatles two

According to reports, Lennon was unhappy with the flowery toilet and was quoted as saying, ‘This thing is worse than the entire beatles catalog, it irritates the shit out of me.’ When asked what he wanted done with it, he answered, “I don’t give a crap, looking at it reminds me of writing with Paul.”

How could Lennon have known that 30 years later, his shit would hit the fan. At least this particular enthusiast got something useful, something friends and relatives can throw up in once they learn what it is.

Lennon’s toilet sells for $14,740 at UK auction

LONDON | Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:51pm BST

LONDON (Reuters Life!) – A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon fetched 9,500 pounds ($14,740) at auction on Saturday, around 10 times its estimate, the sale organizers said.

Lennon, who was murdered in New York in 1980, had the porcelain lavatory removed from Tittenhurst Park in Berkshire, southern England, where he lived from 1969 to 1971, and replaced with a new one.

The builders who took away the white and blue lavatory were told to “put some flowers in it or something,” according to the auction catalog.

Builder John Hancock stored it in his shed for 40 years until he died recently and the lavatory was sent for sale, British media reports said.

The toilet was among Beatles memorabilia sold at auction as part of the Beatle week festival in Liverpool, the group’s native city in northwest England. The pre-auction estimate was 750 to 1,000 pounds.

Anne-Marie Trace, who works at the Beatles Shop in Liverpool which organized the sale, said the high price paid had taken the organizers by surprise.

“I think it’s the most unusual item we’ve ever had in our auction,” she told Reuters.

The buyer was not identified but Trace said it was likely it was “going overseas.”

(Reporting by Adrian Croft; Editing by Jon Hemming)

Source: http://uk.reuters.com/article/idUKTRE67R1IE20100828

If you’re interested in learning more about crap:

The Beatles are full of Crap

Sgt Peppers is a load of Crap

How To Slice a Turdber

Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

Beatle Thumbs up overtakes Vatican bums up

In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

Continue reading

Let it Be, Sailor

Drink and the devil had done for the rest

We never thought anything could be done to make Let it Be listenable. Hailed by critics as a song that, “achieved a popularity well out of proportion to its artistic weight” and that it was “‘Hey Jude’, without the musical and emotional release,” it has haunted the airwaves ever since its unemotional release.

We hate to be negative about anything, and this cover has really changed our minds about this song. In fact, it’s the greatest Let it Be cover since The Long and Winding Roadrunner.
Continue reading

An Exclusive Interview With the Worlds Biggest beatle Fan

A Fanatically Fab Fan

Welcome to a very special edition of Suck My Beatles. Today we present an interview with two extreme beatle fans who have been kind enough to share their time and collection with the fine folks here at SMB. We first became aware Steve after receiving a few messages from him which stood out from the usual fodder we receive from beatle fans. Steve was not only capable of forming a sentence, he also seemed to possess the ability to think and communicate. Amongst beatle fans, this is very rare.

Beset By Beatles Booty

We knew we were dealing with an extraordinary individual when along with the message, “I hate your website so much I’ve grown to love it.” He also sent us these videos of his collection:

Fab42’s Collection Part One
Fab42’s Collection Part Two

At first we thought it must be some kind of twisted joke, a bleak vision of some newly discovered circle of hell, but Steve and his lovely wife are the real deal. Their collection goes beyond rational thought. It boggles the mind and sets the bar for new FF collectors to aspire to, and for the rest of us to be dumbstruck by.

Without any further ado, we’re proud to present former circus performer and current sideshow beatle freak, Fab42.

The Interview:

Continue reading

Waiting for the Citroën Van to Come

John Lennon’s selling power has yet to be exhausted.

John Lennon, New York City

The use of John Lennon’s words and image to promote a crappy French car has sparked horror and outrage amongst not just beatle fans but also the advertising community at large, who are shocked they didn’t think of it first. Adfreak call the ad “a blatant cash grab by Yoko Ono, completely unlike our beatles ad which is high art”.
Continue reading

Reason #471 – John MacLennon and Liverpool Two

We wish this was a joke. We really do.

Fab four fanatic transforms North Carolina home into Beatle shrine

fab four fanatic john maclennon

yahoo news logo

Wed Jan 6, 2008, 3:31 PM
By Jacob Winston Clemens
The Associated Press

RALEIGH, NC. – John MacLeon, a man who affectionately refers to himself as ‘MacLennon,’ is a habitually caffeinated Beatle fanatic who is taking care of business eight days a week at the antebellum home he calls “Liverpool Two.”

Knock on the door anytime. It’s OK to arrive at 4 in the morning, and the 75-year-old former dancer will escort you through his disconcerting, floor-to-ceiling collection of photos, records, figurines, cardboard cutouts, candy wrappers, clocks, lunchboxes and other random kitsch featuring the Mop Tops.

“I’d kill myself right now if it would bring them back,” MacLeon says in his odd Southern US meets Liverpool hybrid drawl, greying hair trimmed with a bowl, in the style of the early 60’s.

MacLeon says he rarely leaves Liverpool Two, rarely sleeps, and is powered by up to 24 cans of Beatle Cola a day (Beatle Cola was a short-lived Coca Cola product that MacLeon bought by the case in 1984 and has been drinking ever since). “When I run out I’ll just start on another Beatle drink, there’s Beatle Heinekin, Beatle Gatorade, Beatle Punch, and Beatle Pale Ale. I do happen to like the soda though.”
Continue reading

Yellow Suckmarine

What’s short, goofy, and full of semen?

Yellow Submarine

Robert Zemekis has announced plans to resurrect the botched abortion known as Yellow Submarine, promising a brand new, computer animated 3D eyesore. If you remember, after the abominable movie HELP! was unleashed on the public, it was followed by the putrid Magical Mystery Tour, which received incredibly warm reviews, such as this one by the Guardian:

“a kind of fantasy morality play about the grossness and warmth and stupidity of the audience”.

The beatles themselves wanted no part in creating another disastrous cinematic offense. The idea of being involved with this lame new project sounded even less appealing to them than their music does to a normal human being. Unfortunately for all of us, United Artists still had the Fab ones firmly by their pink submarines, and ultimately they had little choice but to step aside and allow another brightly coloured turd to be dropped into the septic tank of beatlemania.

The resulting film was an aimless plot revolving around music written to torture children while assaulting you with spastic, gaudy animation. It has since captured the hearts and minds(?) of deluded fans across the globe…what a surprise.

Due to the bewildering success of the beatles Rock Band game, beatlemart has decided to up the ante again. No longer satisfied with merely repackaging and re-releasing the same albums and DVDs three to four times a year while merchandising their likeness on everything from bath toys to geriatric diapers, they’ve decided to not only dig up and re-release this abysmal celluloid black hole but to remake it as a capture animation Disney movie.

The fans are up in arms; disgusted and appalled that anyone would dare to mess with this masterpiece. They are sure to voice their complaints by lining up overnight for tickets, which will be viciously torn in half…by the ticket taker. The stubs will be violently… sealed in plastic and stored haphazardly beside collectibles which hold the lowest place of honour in their MopTop shrines, the Ringo Starr toilet brush and the McCartney radium based wart remover.

Paul McCartney Wart Remover

When the Beatles roamed the earth

A History Channel Documentary

1000 years ago today, the Beatles roamed the earth.

This video is not meant to be a joke, but a warning. The beatle-blind masses have already begun re-writing history to deify not only the music and lives of the Fab Four, but every fuzzy dinky drizzle of banality as well. Each doodle and every shopping list ever jotted down by a Moptop is in the process of being bronzed, framed or sold on the black market to mongoloid billionaires and helpless, brainwashed addicts.

Click here to watch the horror unfold: A History Channel Documentary from the Future: Beatles 3000

Thanks to our friend Bobby for the link.

Reason #982-Ship of Fools

Pictures yourself in a boat on the ocean, with a ship full of freaks wearing John Lennon ties.

Beatle Jaws

A beatle tribute cruise is preparing to set sail. The week long nautical nightmare leaves from Ft. Lauderdale Florida in March, sails the western Caribbean, visiting Belize, Costa Maya and Cozumel. This could have been a beautiful trip, but for some reason they’ve decided to turn this pleasure cruise into a floating insane asylum. We fear for the sanity of any pirates foolhardy enough to board this craft in search of booty, the best they could hope for is a handful of novelty can openers and a sharp blade to remove their ears before madness sets in.

If you’re wondering how anybody could be masochistic enough to not only to subject themselves to a bizarre and degrading form of torture, but also to pay $1200 per person (plus $297 for tickets to the special beatle events), you must not be familiar with the average beatle fan. Highlights of the ‘beatle cruise’ include some very impressive specials guests: three beatle photographers, two beatle authors, a beatle painter, a guy who does something called ‘beatle brunch’ and a tribute band.

We could go on to further discuss the atrocities which will no doubt begin moments after the vessel enters international waters, but instead we’d like to leave you with an actual quote from the official Beatles Tribute Cruise website. These words say more than a thousand pictures. Remember, this is meant to encourage you to go on the cruise, not to make your eyeballs bleed or your brain shudder.

Do you want to know a secret? Your mother should know you won’t see me because I’ll get back to follow the sun after I’m back in the USSR because Doctor Robert’s fixing a hole where the rain gets in. So hold me tight. With a little help from my friends I’ll call your name because I want to tell you this boy should have known better if I fell for Penny Lane on a magical mystery tour. Thank you girl, I hope we can work it out when I’m 64.
Your friend,
I am..
The Walrus
P.S. I Love You.

If this doesn’t convince you to make reservations today don’t put away that credit card, there’s also a Rick Springfield cruise and an Elvis Cruise. Hopefully there’s also be a Heaven’s Gate cruise in the works for all those who can’t get tickets in time.

For more info:


Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009

Seasons Greetings Friends,

The holiday season is once again just around the corner, and in view of these tough economic times we’ve decided to do our part to help save Christmas. Forget about taking out a line of credit to buy $8 Hallmark cards for your family and friends. Show them you care and give them something they really want and need this year. That’s right, impress all the guys down at the soup kitchen! Breathe life into the senseless existence of your pals in the unemployment line! Be the man every woman loves and the woman every man wants to be!

This can only mean its time for SMB’s overwhelming popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza. Voted Best Free Anti-beatle Christmas Cards of 2008 (by us). Your Dog will thank you for it! Finger Lickin’ Good! Plop Plop Fizz Fizz! 100% satisfaction guaranteed or double your money back.

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of these incredible cards, just right-click and save this handy file: Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009
Right Click and ‘Save As’

Free Beatles Card balls
Continue reading

Reason #21 – Sgt Peppers is a Load of Crap

Sgt Pepper Album Cover

In 1967 The beatles released Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. It was instantly hailed as a musical milestone. We have no choice but to agree. Just as the Edsel was a milestone for cars, Betamax was a milestone for home video, Enron was a milestone for corporate investment and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was a milestone for video games, so was Sgt Peppers a milestone for music. Unfortunately for us, the beatles didn’t have the foresight to crush and bury this disaster in a New Mexico landfill like the creators of ET did with their abomination.
Continue reading

Suck My Beatles on the BBC


Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

Continue reading

Reason #7005 Update

Rubber Sole

Rubber Sole

After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.

Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul

Beatles cover band destroys town

Breaking news!

Sometime last year an unknown ‘the beatles’ cover band descended upon a small town in southern Ontario, Canada. The horrific events were captured by the local news station, but seconds before the devastation could be broadcast, the station was demolished, survivors were burned to death.

All taped evidence was quickly disposed of by beatlemart. The town of Liverpool, Ontario, does not even exist on maps anymore. This is one of the worst cases of beaticide on record, yet until now it has gone unnoticed.

Somehow this tape has survived and managed reach us. Please view responsibly, and remember our fallen comrades.
Continue reading

Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand!

Suck My Beatles is honored to present an article from the world renowned artist, author and all around creative and happening guy Danny Gregory. Aside from sharing our views on the FF, Danny is also gifted with the unique ability to talk good and stuff.

Without any further ado:

a tribute to sir paul mccartney

Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand!

by Danny Gregory

London calling, now don’t look at us,
All that phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust.
London calling, see we ain’t got no swing,
‘Cept for the ring of that truncheon thing…

This will be an admittedly biased and flawed meditation. I know that Patti for one will disagree with me right off the bat but here goes:
I fucking hate the Beatles. I have for many years. Continue reading

Reason #263- Perspectives

John Lennon's Stigmata

One of the main goals of this site has been to put the music of the beatles into perspective. We wish to staunch the flow of blood from the eyes of St. John’s statue, to bring St. Paul down from the mount. It worries us when we overhear people in the street saying things like, “I bear on my body the stígmata of the moptops.” Continue reading

Reason # 523 – Tina Turner and Cher

Help me if you can, I’m feeling nauseous.

I’m unsure where, or why. All I know for sure is that in 1975 Cher teamed up with Tina Turner and what seems to be a young Dame Edna to produce a nightmarish rainbow clad beatle medley monstrosity, guaranteed to scar and terrify the entire family.

Warning – Don’t Watch!
Continue reading

Previously Unreleased Beatle Song Re-Unreleased

A new version of the song Revolution was recently unearthed, released, and instantly recalled again by the fine folks at beatlemart.

This version, aka: take 20, is thought to be the missing link which bridges the gap between Revolution 1, and Revolution 9. Revolution 2-8 is a full seven minutes longer than the unlistenable version on the White Album, and is considered to be the holy grail. (of versions of Revolution?)

Try not to confuse it with any other fab four ‘the holy grails’ like circus of light, which assuredly would have sent Indiana Jones into early retirement had the Nazis forced him to listen to it.

Continue reading

Fan Mail #5 – All you need is Love

Revolution, Evolution, Masturbation, Flagellation, Regulation, Integrations, mediations, United Nations, congratulations.

What is beatlemart putting in the water these days? Believe it or not, we’re going to give beatlefans the benefit of the doubt and assume the following messages are from outcasts, the Mansons and Chapmans of the community, and not the average fan. Please don’t prove us wrong!

This message comes to us from a 14yr old boy from Idaho:

Subject: assholes

you damn douches need to just go into a dark ally get jumped by 50,000 beaners and then get raped by a fucking hobo because what u assholes are saying about the beatles is 100% immorally wrong you fucking queers.

It seems some beatle fans are not only musical fascists lacking a sense of humor, but also bigots, homophobes, racists, and oblivious to irony. If that email offended you, please stop reading right now and look at this happy elephant, cuz it gets a lot worse.


Continue reading

Sgt Peppers Lonely Bumba Band

In 1976, Bob Marley was scheduled to play a free concert in Kingston, called Smile Jamaica. He received death threats warning him not to play this highly political event. In the weeks leading up to the concert his home was placed under 24 hour guard.

Two days before the concert a carload of gunmen burst through the conveniently unguarded gates, shot Marley’s wife Rita in the head and shot his manager Don Taylor several times. Miraculously, Marley was only grazed in the arm and chest. He played the gig anyway. Immediately afterward fled his home, spending 14 months in exile.

Also in 1976: The beatles turned down 230 million dollars to play a charity event, and Oblidi Oblida was released as a single.
Continue reading

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008

Howdy Friends,

The holiday season is looming just around the corner, and once again we’re here to help. Put away that wallet! Get ready to wow your loved ones and impress your co-workers! Be the life of the party! Impress your brother-in-law who plays in a world renowned beatles tribute band! Steal the heart of that girl who you pretend to like the beatles for! Earn the respect of your enemies and make new friends! Be the man every woman loves and the woman every man wants to be!

Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of last years extravaganza, its time for the second annual installment of SMB’s Free Christmas Cards! New and improved, extra strength, doctor recommended, 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Need more Calgon? The wait is over! Sample something new, or stick with the tried and true.

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of these incredible cards, just right-click and save this handy little file:
Continue reading

Reason # 517 – The Beatles Carnival of Light is Incredible.

Apologies to all of our colleagues, fans and supporters.
We’re eating crow.
The new beatles epic ‘Carnival of Light’ is probably the greatest piece of music ever written.

If you haven’t heard, this is a 14 minute improvised track recorded in 1967. Immediately after it was recorded, it was buried. Many thought the song nothing more than a myth. The FF thought it too adventurous. It would hurt record sales. Whats worse, is it would offend their fans – the screaming pre-teens who spent their allowances on each new single. If this happened, they could snap out of their brainwashed stupor and buy Play-doh, mood rings or Slinkeys. There would be no more tea with the Queen.

Paul is convinced that this composition will show the world that they were much more avant-garde than given credit for. More than purveyors of a musical black hole, which we gave them credit for. “I said all I want you to do is just wander around all the stuff, bang it, shout, play it, it doesn’t need to make any sense,” said McCartney of the sessions. “I like it because it’s The Beatles free, going off piste.” (for those who don’t know this expression, it refers to skiing on an un-groomed slope. Quite adventurous!)

The other beatles were equally as excited about this piece and found it hard to contain their enthusiasm, years later they still marveled at its brilliance. When assembling the tracks for Anthology, McCartney wanted to include “Carnival of Light,” but said the other two Beatles thought it was “rubbish.”

Sir George Martin who oversaw the track has described it as ‘one of those weird things. “This is ridiculous. We’ve got to get our teeth into something a little more constructive,” Martin told Geoff Emerick during the recording session.

George Harrison dismissed it, saying “avant-garde a clue“. Twenty years later, when reminded of the sounds on the tape and asked whether he could recall recording it, he replied “No, and it sounds like I don’t want to either!

Ringo was too busy threatening fans with autographed memorabilia to comment.

Beatles fans came close to hearing ‘Carnival Of Light’ in 1996 when it was considered for inclusion in the exhaustive Anthology compilation. “I said it would be great to put this on because it would show we were working with really avant-garde stuff … But it was vetoed.” Reminisced McCartney. “The guys didn’t like the idea, like “this is rubbish.”

Unfortunately for the world this track will never officially see the light of day. At least not until beatlemart needs a new winter home in Puerta Plata. To be released McCartney needs the blessing of Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and George Harrison’s widow Olivia.

Thankfully we have a copy, and our lucky readers are for a treat.
Here, for the first time ever, is the first three minutes of Carnival of Light. To prepare yourself, please constrain your excitement and remember: this is serious music, not some go-go boots giggle-a-thon.
Continue reading

Reason #34 – You Always Give Me Your Money

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…
When you thought beatlemart couldn’t get anymore blatant…
Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly write about beatlemart again…

Bloomingdale’s is offering a first-ever designer assortment of apparel and accessories, inspired by the music of the beatles. And just in time for Halloween!
Continue reading

Reason #387 – I Hate the beatles

This is an original song inspired by the music of the FF. It’s a perfect tribute which takes the skiffled, nursery rhyme pop songs that toddlers can sing along to…and makes it better.
It was performed live on the Dean Martin Show in 1965 with Allan Sherman and Vic Damone. Free from Jerry Lewis, Martin first integrated Las Vegas with the Rat Pack before deciding it was time to croon it like it is, denouncing the beatles in their heydey for the weasels they were.
Continue reading

Reason # 510 – Ringo is busy…being delusional

Please, everyone, stop sending Ringo fan mail. The man is very busy with his…well, thats irrelevant. Lets just say Ringo hates you. So please, just leave the man alone. Continue to buy his merchandise, but leave him in peace with your money.

Incidentally, it makes you wonder what’s worse – sending fan mail to the drummer of a pop band that broke up nearly forty years ago, sending fan mail to Ringo Starr in 2008, or Ringo actually answering it?
Continue reading

Reason #497 – You say you want a Financial Revolution?

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Tabloids and gossip aside, its a rare occurrence when any news source prints even a partial truth about the FF. Anything less than blind praise is frowned upon. Complete, unconditional moptop worship is preferred. To say something negative about the beatles music in the press is a clever way of asking for your walking papers, along with a guarantee that you’ll never write for money again in this lifetime, at least not for any creditable organization.
Continue reading

Reason # 846 – Texans rejoice as McCartney’s face smashed in

Hats off to the Lone Star State!


For over a year brave Texans were forced to suffer under the terrible shadow of the FF regime (details here). Now, finally, one of the darkest chapters in Texas history can be closed.

It began innocently enough, MopTop saturation was little more than an irritation. A pimple on the ass of a thriving music scene. Slowly it began to grow more pervasive, trickling into their culture like hazardous waste seeping from a landfill. Soon it was tainting and watering down vital and innovative music, driving a stake through the heart of the community. Finally, the oppressive beatlemart went too far and decided it was time to destroy and defile the beautiful Texan landscape, completely wiping out any semblance of original or independent thought in the fine people who reside there. Four colossal idols were erected. A testament to the reign of fanatical nostalgia. They towered over the land, shadows spreading fear and bad music across the state.

Angry Texans had reached their breaking point. Annoying honest citizens with limp-wristed musical soda pop is one thing, but to take away freedom, country, and music – beatlemart messed with the wrong people this time. Battle-cries of ‘Remember the Alamo’ rallied citizens and the battle of Summer Street (next to the Target) began and ended in less than 8 minutes, securing Texas independence from FF fascism. The toppled statue of McCartney sent a clear message to the rodents at beatlemart, hopefully one that will deter similar ventures not only in the US, but thoughout the world – Don’t Tread On Us.

Unfortunately there is no footage of the battle, but we suspect it looked something like this:

Click for full sized image

An honest portrayal of the beatles.

Leave it to the brilliant mind of John C. Reilly to have the guts to finally portray the FF honestly in film. Jack Black channels his role as the hideous Paul McCartney so ferociously that in a perfect world he would have been shortlisted for an Oscar. Unfortunately this fearless film refuses to cower and toe the beatlemart line, and as a result its been ignored and browbeaten into the delete bin by troglodyte fans of theFF.
Continue reading

Reason # 949 – The Beatles virus

A sinister genius recently launched an email virus targeting the beatle-blind masses. Witless fans would look in their inboxes and find their dreams had come true, a message entitled The Beatles – Back Together Again. Drooling and delirious, they would hysterically click the link provided and be re-directed to a site which installed malware on their PCs. The next time they plugged in their credit card information to pre-order the latest remix of Let It Be, their info would be compromised.

Swindling beatle fans is nothing new, but as hilarious as this new scam is, its still frowned upon by the the fine upstanding folks here at SMB. Seriously, how difficult is it to take money from a beatle fan? A more fitting virus would delete FF songs, videos, bookmarks, and homemade fan fiction.

The all encompassing beatlemart operates exactly like a virus. Its a Trojan horse injected into the mainstream which attacks the unsuspecting recipients brain and wallet in the same way the flu or H.I.V. sneak in and spread through the human body. A virus is a basically a sticky protein shell containing genetic material that latches onto a healthy cell, injects it, and battles for control. If it wins, it permanently alters the way the cell operates and reproduces. A powerful virus can transform defeated cells into a virus replication assembly line, spreading the infection as far as possible. In the case of the beatles, their sticky-sweet cuteness is the container. The effects are comparable to the Herpes simplex virus, which runs the gamut from the occasional minor irritation to severe, debilitating suffering and even death in extreme cases.

The beatle virus, aka: fabfouridae continues to be spread through the media via relentless bombardment. It follows the same basic method as advertising – manipulate the public by overwhelming it with so much senseless information that it deadens their senses and softens their minds. When this happens, you are easily bent over, and messages are rammed up your wazzoo.

Imagine if they played the same Mr. Clean commercials for forty years, never altering the jingle. What if Mr. Clean made the evening news twice a week, had articles written about him nearly everyday in newspapers around the world, made the covers of every music magazine approximately once a year, was played on the radio every hour, had documentaries and books written about him every month proclaiming how great and revolutionary he was and how relevant he remains today. Mr. Clean would be the man! He would be untouchable, especially when it came to being something you rub on the bathroom floor to remove urine stains and foul odors. In this light, we have to admit the beatles are the untouchable urine stains of music. Continue reading

Reason # 668 – Buy a Beatle Album for Christ

Following the plummeting sales of FF albums in the United States, Beatlemart has decided to search for revenue in one of its biggest untapped markets, the Christians. Obviously there are a few existing Christian beatle fans already, but real god fearing Christians would just as soon allow a lesbian priest to perform an abortion.

You’ve probably seen the headlines screaming across the globe like Ono looking for her glove in the snow, The Beatles: A Christian Band?, The Ballad of John and Jesus. Its an inspired new campaign thats taking the world by storm. The sudden backpedaling claim that not only was John Lennon not Jesus, he was actually his biggest fan!

Believe it or not, the ploy is working. This story has already graced Christianity Today and Belief.net. The next step is to justify the beatles and Lennon in the eyes of the lord. Imagine there’s no Heaven? Bigger than Jesus? Compared with the scandals the church has been whitewashing for the past fifty years, let alone historically, the FF were a couple of choirboys. Hell, if the church could convince Catholic priests to remain celibate for their entire lives for the sole reason of avoiding offspring who might make claims on its property, selling the beatles to a bunch of kids already warped and scarred by Christian Rock will be a piece of cake.

It won’t be long before sermons begin incorporating beatleitudes and the Gospel according to John: Part deux, in the same way that U2charist has beatified Bono and the lads…which brings to mind a joke:

A musician dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and leads him towards the sound of some incredible music off in the distance. They soon reach the source and discover Jimi Hendrix jamming with Miles Davis. Keith Moon is on drums. Jaco Pastorius on bass, Art Tatum on keys. Amazed, the man looks around and sees famous musicians everywhere. All of his musical idols are there.
‘Is that Charlie Patton?’ He asks.
‘Yes, of course it is.’ Replies St. Peter.
Alone in a corner he spots another unmistakable figure.
‘Is that…Bono over there? I didn’t even know he was dead!’
St. Peter sighed.
‘Thats not Bono, its God. He thinks he’s Bono.”

You might be wondering what exactly is in it for the Christians. We’ll leave the theological issues for somebody else to deal with and simply sum it up with:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

To end this properly, here’s an illustrated reenactment originally found in a passage from the gospel according to Ringo 20:1-6, the Ballad of John and Jesus:

The Ballad of John and Jesus (.pdf, 222kb) To Save Right Click and ‘Save As’

Reason # 561 – The Beatles, Hanging Tough

You say you want a boy band revolution?

The FF are usually thought of as one of the defining bands in rock. A pioneering group which broke boundaries, bent the rules, and changed the face of popular music to become the greatest band in history. This is true in a sense; they were the first boy band. This honor is usually bestowed on the Monkees, but the truth is the Monkees weren’t the first, only the most blatant.

Take a look at some of the characteristics of a boy band.
Continue reading

Fan Mail #3 – Help! There’s a Beatle in the closet!

According to popular opinion, anybody who doesn’t like the beatles is a homosexual who lives in his mothers basement. This seems to be the consensus amongst beatarded fans, so if you don’t think the FF walked on water you’d better run out and grab a tube of Astroglide and a Judy Garland album.

Its strange when you’re suddenly forced to realize that your sexual orientation is hinged upon a bunch of Fab sissies singing silly love songs. Who knew?

These homophobic messages usually take two forms:

The hit and run:

Subject: Hey!
You’re all gay!

and who can forget the angry diatribe:

Subject: I have something to tell you homos!!!
You fucking assholes deserve to suffocate on each others shit. You deserve to die moer than that fat lard ass Mark David Chapman. Why dont you faggots do something useful with your time, like suck each other off, instead of trying to make your own pathetic lives seem better by putting down well-respected and very talented individuals.

Honestly, suffocating on it is still preferable to listening to it.
Continue reading

Reason #307 – Three Days In the Life of Lame

Breaking News!

Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning – Spoilers!*
Continue reading

Fan Mail #4 – A word from an above average beatle fan

Occasionally, sandwiched between gripping messages like this:

Subject: Dick

get cancer

We’ll receive an inspired message that humbles even the most cynical seekers of sanity, causing us to question if this noble crusade is even worth fighting. Not very often mind you, in fact it’s more rare than a good song on Revolver. This is one of those rare gems, it brilliantly chisels away any arguments and leaves you scratching your head in amazement. Myspace is great.

Subject: forget you !!!!!!!

In the name of God, ALLAH, the Father the Son and the Holy
Spirit , I condemn your site as anti Christian. You are just jealous
that Jesus lives. If I lived next door to you youd be pissed off even
more. And furthermore may the USA beat Canada at Hockey in every
olympics in the future. And at the best most manly and exciting sports
in the world :………curling.

I just dont see why you dont like the Beatles. I like Second City
Television, Wayne Gretzky, The Canadian National Anthem, all Canadians
and the whole Blessed Great White North. And so since it is Christian
to forgive and be nice I cant be mad at you. You have a right. But if
the Beatles were naturally like YOU and YOU were like Them you would
think it was cool. Just like if you born like Chuck Berry or like Kiss
or something.

ANyway , I found you on a friend of mine Fuck Shit Piss from Las
Vegas Nevadas Comment site and was so intrigued by this I just wanted
to write.

ANd tell you …….and tell you……..awww…..I cant even
remember now……something about…. the Butthole Surfers or
something. Dont ear Yellow Snow My COmrade.