suckmybeatles.com

Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand!

Suck My Beatles is honored to present an article from the world renowned artist, author and all around creative and happening guy Danny Gregory. Aside from sharing our views on the FF, Danny is also gifted with the unique ability to talk good and stuff.

Without any further ado:

Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand!

by Danny Gregory

London calling, now don’t look at us,
All that phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust.
London calling, see we ain’t got no swing,
‘Cept for the ring of that truncheon thing…

This will be an admittedly biased and flawed meditation. I know that Patti for one will disagree with me right off the bat but here goes:
I fucking hate the Beatles. I have for many years.
I don’t think I did when I first heard them (while chewing Fruit Strip gum on the rug and doing a wooden jigsaw, circa 1964. The song:”I wanna hold your hand”) or, obviously, when I bought my first and only Beatles recording (circa 1972, upon getting my first cassette player. After listening to the enclosed demo tape‘s electronic rendition of Für Elise a few hundred times, I saved up a huge amount of money and bought my first tape: Abbey Road. I can still hear Octopus’ Garden warbling and warping as the batteries wore down).
When did the loathing begin?
I know it was fully set when my stepfather, Mike, said to me, “There are two types of families: those that like the Beatles and those that like the Rolling Stones. We like the Stones, who do you like?” Characteristically pathological as the question was, I had no problem already agreeing that at fourteen, I was on the Stones’ team.
Maybe I sensed fairly early on that The Beatles just simply weren’t cool or genuine or truly rock ‘n roll.
It was due partly to the lads themselves: The matching moptops. The uniforms. The glibness. The saccharine movies. The lack of anger or outrage – all irony and tongue-in-cheekery.
There were their PR contrivances like ‘bigger than Jesus’ or ‘Paul is dead’ or ‘Give Peace a chance’. And the whole Indian Maharishi thing, while interesting in a multicultural, sampling-new-fruit kind of way, was immediately cultified and iconized. Once the Beatles branded enlightenment, it was unlikely that anyone would ever genuinely be able to reach it again and India became awash with hippies and their smelly backpacks.
And how quickly the Fab 4 become tediously bourgeois with MBEs and celebrity wives. Sir Paul — two mincing steps from Elton John, maybe three from Barry Manilow (incidentally, he started painting in his 40s and then had a retrospective and monograph published. The paintings are crap but judge for yourself). John - granted the ‘coolest’ and ‘edgiest’ of the four — filthy rich on Central Park West, gets blown away by a fan and is immediately deified. (And who remembers Brian Jones?) George dies a middle-aged death. Ringo becomes the Gap/Visa/Doritos/Charles Schwab/Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza Spokesman, a craven grotesque.

He’s as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?

But the true reason I hate the Beatles isn’t the Beatles. It’s the context of the Beatles.
It’s not the music, it’s how and where I hear the music. It’s the deeply ingrained commercialization of everything they made, the re-re-re-re-release of their hits to great acclaim and hype and jingling cash registers.
It’s Beatlemania. It’s Musak. It’s the Queen. It’s the painted Rolls Royce. It’s Yoko. It’s Linda. It’s the whole idea of Classic Rock (which I always associate with middle-aged men in tinted glasses and those skimpy beards).
It’s the fact that I can easily imagine George W., Laura, Condy and Rummy debating their favorite Beatles song. I can imagine fucking Cheney listening to the Beatles. Can you picture any of them listening to the Stones? (Maybe). But the Pistols? The Clash? The Specials? Skynrd? The Kings of Leon?
Alright, whether you agree with this demented, poorly reasoned rant, I hope you get a larger point:
Art and context are really hard to separate.
Mona Lisa shower curtains. Van Gogh Sunflower beach towels. Ed Hopper mousepads. Picasso coffee mugs. Beethoven’s V doorbells. Outkast cel phone ring tones. They distort what we think of the originals and make it impossible to ever look at it properly again. Even if we are standing in the Louvre, in front of the Giaconda herself, we can’t really see the painting (and I’m not talking about the glare of camera flashes bouncing off her Plexiglas shield). It’s too loaded with baggage. Almost everything in Culture is embalmed in commercialization, intellectualization, exploitation, and post-modern regurgitation.
So we collect rare reissues, B-sides, obscure early works, yearning for authenticity, hoping to see or hear clearly for the first time, to hear the Beatles not as they sound in those grainy, endlessly retreaded clips of the Shea stadium concert or the Sullivan show, but as they might have sounded if you were actually standing there in a cellar in Liverpool or Hamburg in the summer of ‘60.
The more we are given to see, the less we can see. The barrage of advertising, television, web pages, and shop windows, force us more and more to retreat into our skulls, peering through a thick grimy window of associations. Today is yesterday. JF Kerry is JF Kennedy. Bush Jr. is Bush Sr. Britney is Madonna is Marilyn. I say hello, you say goodbye. Nothing is what it is.
The trick is to decontextualize, to see reality for what it actually is, divorced from distorting associations. And what a trick that is. I need to shake my head, slap myself in the face, run my skull under a cold fauce, and be here now.
The more I draw, the more I realize this lesson.
The more I realize this lesson, the more I need to draw.

______

To learn more about Danny Gregory
visit his site, or better yet take the money you were going to use to pay for the first installment of the complete re-re-re-masterered re-re-re-re-re-released box set #15, and buy one of his books instead.

(3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)

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Reason #263- Perspectives

John Lennon's Stigmata

One of the main goals of this site has been to put the music of the beatles into perspective. We wish to staunch the flow of blood from the eyes of St. John’s statue, to bring St. Paul down from the mount. It worries us when we overhear people in the street saying things like, “I bear on my body the stígmata of the moptops.”

Admittedly, we continue to fall short of our goals. Some might even say we’ve failed miserably. According to the gospel of St. George, ‘Life goes on within and without you,’ so we’ve decided to give voice to two some visitors to this site. Please allow them to whisper words of wisdom into your ear. Carefully consider both sides of their arguments, try and understand where the speakers are coming from. Step outside of the beatle regime, or step inside, and please listen to both perspectives with an open mind.

First we’ll hear Alissa’s incisive thoughts:

k so fuck you. the beatles are the best thing music has ever seen. fuck everyone who disagrees. and fuck this page.

you gotta have no life to accually start a page on anti beatles. come on, get a life.

And secondly, Peter’s argument:

A lot of music has been made since the beatles heyday. music that is far more harmonically refined and melodically intricate. as far as i can tell beatles fans are desperately hanging onto some banal musical ideal that has more to do with a cultural (not musical) phenomenon and the cult of personality. most of the people i know who are beatles fans are the following -

middle aged men who have not applied themselves to any form of musical training (formal or otherwise) who spew out crazy statements to make them feel they have some authority.

people who have taken WAY TOO MANY drugs in the past(and present).

when pressed, people who have little to no opinion about other musics. or opinions with any kind of musical depth.

people who still buy paul mc cartney solo albums and say they are garbage but cannot get past their obsessive compulsive disorder with everything that is the beatles.

music is not merely a treat for a gourmet. it is an art form and at the heart of that form are ideas. the ideas behind the beatles are pretty simple - it is pop music. music that was made for a short time in the history of music a long time ago. stop being myopic and go listen to A LOT of different music. ALL music will be better for it.

As you can see, we’re faced with two side of the same coin. Consider these arguments carefully and make an informed decision.

Suck my beatles would like to thank Alissa and Peter for participating.

(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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Reason # 523 - Tina Turner and Cher

Help me if you can, I’m feeling nauseous.

I’m unsure where, or why. All I know for sure is that in 1975 Cher teamed up with Tina Turner and what seems to be a young Dame Edna to produce a nightmarish rainbow clad beatle medley monstrosity, guaranteed to scar and terrify the entire family.

Warning - Don’t Watch!

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Previously Unreleased Beatle Song Re-Unreleased

A new version of the song Revolution was recently unearthed, released, and instantly recalled again by the fine folks at beatlemart.

This version, aka: take 20, is thought to be the missing link which bridges the gap between Revolution 1, and Revolution 9. Revolution 2-8 is a full seven minutes longer than the unlistenable version on the White Album, and is considered to be the holy grail. (of versions of Revolution?)

Try not to confuse it with any other fab four ‘the holy grails’ like circus of light, which assuredly would have sent Indiana Jones into early retirement had the Nazis forced him to listen to it.

Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Fan Mail #5 - All you need is Love

Revolution, Evolution, Masturbation, Flagellation, Regulation, Integrations, mediations, United Nations, congratulations.

What is beatlemart putting in the water these days? Believe it or not, we’re going to give beatlefans the benefit of the doubt and assume the following messages are from outcasts, the Mansons and Chapmans of the community, and not the average fan. Please don’t prove us wrong!

This message comes to us from a 14yr old boy from Idaho:

Subject: assholes

you damn douches need to just go into a dark ally get jumped by 50,000 beaners and then get raped by a fucking hobo because what u assholes are saying about the beatles is 100% immorally wrong you fucking queers.
LONG LIVE THE BEATLES!!!!!!!

It seems some beatle fans are not only musical fascists lacking a sense of humor, but also bigots, homophobes, racists, and oblivious to irony. If that email offended you, please stop reading right now and look at this happy elephant, cuz it gets a lot worse.

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Sgt Peppers Lonely Bumba Band

In 1976, Bob Marley was scheduled to play a free concert in Kingston, called Smile Jamaica. He received death threats warning him not to play this highly political event. In the weeks leading up to the concert his home was placed under 24 hour guard.

Two days before the concert a carload of gunmen burst through the conveniently unguarded gates, shot Marley’s wife Rita in the head and shot his manager Don Taylor several times. Miraculously, Marley was only grazed in the arm and chest. He played the gig anyway. Immediately afterward fled his home, spending 14 months in exile.

Also in 1976: The beatles turned down 230 million dollars to play a charity event, and Oblidi Oblida was released as a single.

Peter Tosh’s fierce criticisms of Jamaica’s rulers during the ‘78 One Love Peace Concert led to him being beaten nearly to death in a jail cell. Burning Spear, Max Romeo, Big Youth, Lee Perry and the Upsetters, Linton Kwesi Johnson and countless others fought against class politics, discrimination, racism, capitalism, colonialism, violence and corruption.

Also in 1978: In an interview with ‘Gig’ magazine, world renown session drummer Bernard Purdie revealed that he played on at least 21 tracks on the Beatles first three albums, adding that he was paid by Brian Epstein to keep his mouth shut in the amount of “five figures.” (He also claims that guitar overdubs were made on several additional track by session musicians and that Ringo was never allowed to play on any recordings.)

Fast forward to 2009, not since UB40 has reggae been dealt such an insulting and disrespectful blow. Reggae music, once feared by the authorities and celebrated by rebels, has been infiltrated by beatlemart! Once proud, outspoken artists like Steel Pulse and legends like U Roy have somehow been hornswagled into dumbing down, rolling over, and playing on the latest beatle abortion entitled Easy Star’s Lonely Hearts Dub Band. What kind of politricks used to snare these artists is unimaginable.

The music of the FF is desperate for any kind of improvement, that much is obvious. After more than thirty years of being force-fed leftover beatle droppings, the public is slowly becoming aware there is an alternative to this prepackaged, refried, regurgitated crap masquerading as music.

But, reggae? First of all, the fabby’s have already tried it. The groundbreaking musical pioneers they were, as soon as the first strains of this new music drifted across the ocean, they decided to steal it. Does anybody remember how the beatles broke yet another world record by writing the worst reggae song in history, Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da? It remains one of the few songs that still induces instantaneous projectile vomiting when played to an unsuspecting listener. Lennon once referred to it as Paul’s Granny Shit. Large up, Lennon. Reespek!

The moptops had no business playing this music. Can you imagine these polite little English lads, after being knighted and having tea with the queen, going into the studio and recording Linton Kwesi Johnson’s, Inglan is a Bitch? In the same way, reggae should stay as far away from the beatles as it can. Does beatlemart have to ruin everything with it’s quest to ‘blandify’ the universe for the sake of selling the same terrible songs to the same morons who already own fifteen versions of each? Let the oppressed go free!

Oh well, at least recording an album of beatles music in reggae is an incredibly original idea. Oh wait…

Becaas learn dis man, dis sociaty yu ave three class a people in dis sociaty. Yu have de upper miggle class, yu have de miggle miggle class, and de lowa miggle class. I an I who is de poor and de underprivilege an de sufferer in de getto happen to be in de lowa miggle class…who control de Jesas an dem big bank account in Switzalan an dem ting dere. Dem guys juss say well we cyaan mek dem ting dere happen inno! Is few lickle big guys taak dem ting dere inno de de poor suffa at all time. Rite now me cyaan even get soap a shap a raasta cassle thru dem big blood baat guys dere.

-Peter Tosh
Excerpt from Live at the One Love Peace Concert.

Standard English Translation:

Because learn this man, in this society there are three classes of people. You have the upper middle class, you have the middle middle class and the low middle class. You and I who are the poor, underprivileged and the sufferer in the ghetto happen to be in the lower middle class. There are some bug guys who control the money and those big bank accounts in Switzerland and other such things. Those guys just decide they cannot make those things happen [progress for the masses]. A few big guys talk about those things there, but it is the poor that suffer all the time. Right now, I can’t even get soap in the shop, a Rasta Castle (rass cloth), because of those big blood bath guys.

Sounds a lot like the fine folks at beatlemart. Coincidence, or prophesy?

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008

Howdy Friends,

The holiday season is looming just around the corner, and once again we’re here to help. Put away that wallet! Get ready to wow your loved ones and impress your co-workers! Be the life of the party! Impress your brother-in-law who plays in a world renowned beatles tribute band! Steal the heart of that girl who you pretend to like the beatles for! Earn the respect of your enemies and make new friends! Be the man every woman loves and the woman every man wants to be!

Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of last years extravaganza, its time for the second annual installment of SMB’s Free Christmas Cards! New and improved, extra strength, doctor recommended, 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Need more Calgon? The wait is over! Sample something new, or stick with the tried and true.

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of these incredible cards, just right-click and save this handy little file:

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008!(.rar, 1082kb) Right Click and ‘Save As’ If the server is too busy you can still get it here: Beatles_Christmas2008.pdf

These cards will print out perfectly on an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper. Its as easy as Print and Fold.

Merry Christmas!

If you couldn’t get enough of last years cards: Free Christmas Cards 2007

(2 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)

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Reason # 517 - The Beatles Carnival of Light is Incredible.

Apologies to all of our colleagues, fans and supporters.
We’re eating crow.
The new beatles epic ‘Carnival of Light’ is probably the greatest piece of music ever written.

If you haven’t heard, this is a 14 minute improvised track recorded in 1967. Immediately after it was recorded, it was buried. Many thought the song nothing more than a myth. The FF thought it too adventurous. It would hurt record sales. Whats worse, is it would offend their fans - the screaming pre-teens who spent their allowances on each new single. If this happened, they could snap out of their brainwashed stupor and buy Play-doh, mood rings or Slinkeys. There would be no more tea with the Queen.

Paul is convinced that this composition will show the world that they were much more avant-garde than given credit for. More than purveyors of a musical black hole, which we gave them credit for. “I said all I want you to do is just wander around all the stuff, bang it, shout, play it, it doesn’t need to make any sense,” said McCartney of the sessions. “I like it because it’s The Beatles free, going off piste.” (for those who don’t know this expression, it refers to skiing on an un-groomed slope. Quite adventurous!)

The other beatles were equally as excited about this piece and found it hard to contain their enthusiasm, years later they still marveled at its brilliance. When assembling the tracks for Anthology, McCartney wanted to include “Carnival of Light,” but said the other two Beatles thought it was “rubbish.”

Sir George Martin who oversaw the track has described it as ‘one of those weird things. “This is ridiculous. We’ve got to get our teeth into something a little more constructive,” Martin told Geoff Emerick during the recording session.

George Harrison dismissed it, saying “avant-garde a clue“. Twenty years later, when reminded of the sounds on the tape and asked whether he could recall recording it, he replied “No, and it sounds like I don’t want to either!”

Ringo was too busy threatening fans with autographed memorabilia to comment.

Beatles fans came close to hearing ‘Carnival Of Light’ in 1996 when it was considered for inclusion in the exhaustive Anthology compilation. “I said it would be great to put this on because it would show we were working with really avant-garde stuff … But it was vetoed.” Reminisced McCartney. “The guys didn’t like the idea, like “this is rubbish.”

Unfortunately for the world this track will never officially see the light of day. At least not until beatlemart needs a new winter home in Puerta Plata. To be released McCartney needs the blessing of Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and George Harrison’s widow Olivia.

Thankfully we have a copy, and our lucky readers are for a treat.
Here, for the first time ever, is the first three minutes of Carnival of Light. To prepare yourself, please constrain your excitement and remember: this is serious music, not some go-go boots giggle-a-thon.
Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #34 - You Always Give Me Your Money

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…
When you thought beatlemart couldn’t get anymore blatant…
Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly write about beatlemart again…

Bloomingdale’s is offering a first-ever designer assortment of apparel and accessories, inspired by the music of the beatles. And just in time for Halloween!

Believe it or not, this time we’re speechless. Its almost as if beatlemart suddenly grew bored with its plundering of peace and love, dropped the wallets it was holding in its savage teeth and began slapping fans in the face with its engorged testicles.

This unwarranted action has actually managed to break the spell and release some fans from their catatonic worship; at least the ones not wallowing about in pools of sycophantic drool, clubbing each other with their own gnawed off limbs while waiting in line outside of the store, desperate for a chance to spontaneously combust at the sight of a new FF trinket.

Here’s a smattering of moptop worthy garments offered up by this ingenious new clothing line:

Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #387 - I Hate the beatles

This is an original song inspired by the music of the FF. It’s a perfect tribute which takes the skiffled, nursery rhyme pop songs that toddlers can sing along to…and makes it better.
It was performed live on the Dean Martin Show in 1965 with Allan Sherman and Vic Damone. Free from Jerry Lewis, Martin first integrated Las Vegas with the Rat Pack before deciding it was time to croon it like it is, denouncing the beatles in their heydey for the weasels they were.
Read the rest of this entry »

(2 votes, average: 2.5 out of 5)

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Reason # 510 - Ringo is busy…being delusional

Please, everyone, stop sending Ringo fan mail. The man is very busy with his…well, thats irrelevant. Lets just say Ringo hates you. So please, just leave the man alone. Continue to buy his merchandise, but leave him in peace with your money.

Incidentally, it makes you wonder what’s worse - sending fan mail to the drummer of a pop band that broke up nearly forty years ago, sending fan mail to Ringo Starr in 2008, or Ringo actually answering it?
Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #497 - You say you want a Financial Revolution?

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Tabloids and gossip aside, its a rare occurrence when any news source prints even a partial truth about the FF. Anything less than blind praise is frowned upon. Complete, unconditional moptop worship is preferred. To say something negative about the beatles music in the press is a clever way of asking for your walking papers, along with a guarantee that you’ll never write for money again in this lifetime, at least not for any creditable organization.

This is why the following article comes as such a surprise. That AFP could let this story slip through the cracks is incredible! The author even had enough foresight to not include his name, its merely credited to a British academic. We’ve reprinted it in its entirety as well as providing a link, just in case beatlemart strikes again. Do you remember the video of McCartney calling a reporter a ‘fat little schoolgirl?’ Try and find it now, search for the phrase “Paul McCartney Is A Nasty Piece Of Work!”

Although this story could have gone much deeper, its hard to criticize such groundbreaking journalism. Instead, to help support its claims we’re contributing some rare photos of the FF

Jagger and Lennon wanted money not revolution: study
Thu Oct 9, 9:40 AM
LONDON (AFP) - Pop culture icons John Lennon and Mick Jagger were clever capitalists who cashed in on the mood of the 1960s, not spokesmen for a generation seeking revolution, a British academic said Thursday.

Cambridge University historian David Fowler said that so-called “Swinging London” was in fact beyond most normal people, “less a golden age for the nation’s young than a celebration of wealth by its social elite.”

“The 1960s are often viewed as the point at which youth culture in this country exploded, but in many ways they were the years in which the idea began to fall apart,” said Fowler.

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Fowler notes that Rolling Stones frontman Jagger himself, when asked by an interviewer whether he was a spokesman for a generation, replied that he was just a musician.

The academic, who teaches modern British history in Cambridge, said more authentically revolutionary youth movements can be found in the period between World War I and World War II.

He singled out a little-known Cambridge student Rolf Gardiner, who was fascinated by the concept of Jugendkultur in Germany as a way that young people could express themselves more freely and challenge their elders.

Gardiner’s cult championed physical labour and rural reconstruction, Fowler said, recounting also how he organised naked bathing sessions along the Cam river, as an expression of “back to nature” values.

“People forget that real youth movements are about a lot more than spending and consumerism — they are a way of life,” added the academic from Clare Hall college, Cambridge, author of “Youth Culture In Modern Britain, c.1920-c.1970.”

“People like Rolf Gardiner were true cultural subversives, pop stars before pop even existed. In terms of the influence he had on giving Britain’s young people a sense of identity … he is just as important as Mick Jagger.”

The reason the 1960s is perceived as the dawn of youth culture is because of a “break in chronology” due to World War II, which left a state of “collective amnesia,” the academic said.

Groups like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones took advantage of this — but their separation from real fans’ lives was reflected in the way they installed themselves in grand country houses, while the London “scene” was equally beyond most people’s purses.

“The world of Swinging London may be viewed as an emblem of youth culture now, but it was really for the Michael Caines of this world; an elite who could afford it,” Fowler said.

Here is a link to the original article.

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 313 - Genius is Pain! The Magical Misery Tour

Normally, the butt-nuggets dropped in the Inspired Lunacy category are the worst (…best?) examples of beatle inspired offenses that we can find. This clip is an exception.

Taken from National Lampoon’s 1972 album Radio Dinner, this track brilliantly combines quotes taken from Lennon’s infamous 1970 interview with Rolling Stone’s Jann Wenner, with music that sounds like a rejected track from the Plasic Ono Band.

The lyrics were assembled by Christopher Guest and Tony Hendra (most recognizable as Spinal Tap’s manager Ian Faith), the latter also channels Lennon on this recording. The music was performed by Melissa Manchester, who also provides the Yoko imitation at the end, shortly after the primal scream session.

Please enjoy responsibly:

For an exhaustive explanation

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 846 - Texans rejoice as McCartney’s face smashed in

Hats off to the Lone Star State!

For over a year brave Texans were forced to suffer under the terrible shadow of the FF regime (details here). Now, finally, one of the darkest chapters in Texas history can be closed.

It began innocently enough, MopTop saturation was little more than an irritation. A pimple on the ass of a thriving music scene. Slowly it began to grow more pervasive, trickling into their culture like hazardous waste seeping from a landfill. Soon it was tainting and watering down vital and innovative music, driving a stake through the heart of the community. Finally, the oppressive beatlemart went too far and decided it was time to destroy and defile the beautiful Texan landscape, completely wiping out any semblance of original or independent thought in the fine people who reside there. Four colossal idols were erected. A testament to the reign of fanatical nostalgia. They towered over the land, shadows spreading fear and bad music across the state.

Angry Texans had reached their breaking point. Annoying honest citizens with limp-wristed musical soda pop is one thing, but to take away freedom, country, and music - beatlemart messed with the wrong people this time. Battle-cries of ‘Remember the Alamo’ rallied citizens and the battle of Summer Street (next to the Target) began and ended in less than 8 minutes, securing Texas independence from FF fascism. The toppled statue of McCartney sent a clear message to the rodents at beatlemart, hopefully one that will deter similar ventures not only in the US, but thoughout the world - Don’t Tread On Us.

Unfortunately there is no footage of the battle, but we suspect it looked something like this:

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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An honest portrayal of the beatles.

Leave it to the brilliant mind of John C. Reilly to have the guts to finally portray the FF honestly in film. Jack Black channels his role as the hideous Paul McCartney so ferociously that in a perfect world he would have been shortlisted for an Oscar. Unfortunately this fearless film refuses to cower and toe the beatlemart line, and as a result its been ignored and browbeaten into the delete bin by troglodyte fans of theFF.
Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 949 - The Beatles virus

A sinister genius recently launched an email virus targeting the beatle-blind masses. Witless fans would look in their inboxes and find their dreams had come true, a message entitled The Beatles - Back Together Again. Drooling and delirious, they would hysterically click the link provided and be re-directed to a site which installed malware on their PCs. The next time they plugged in their credit card information to pre-order the latest remix of Let It Be, their info would be compromised.

Swindling beatle fans is nothing new, but as hilarious as this new scam is, its still frowned upon by the the fine upstanding folks here at SMB. Seriously, how difficult is it to take money from a beatle fan? A more fitting virus would delete FF songs, videos, bookmarks, and homemade fan fiction.

The all encompassing beatlemart operates exactly like a virus. Its a Trojan horse injected into the mainstream which attacks the unsuspecting recipients brain and wallet in the same way the flu or H.I.V. sneak in and spread through the human body. A virus is a basically a sticky protein shell containing genetic material that latches onto a healthy cell, injects it, and battles for control. If it wins, it permanently alters the way the cell operates and reproduces. A powerful virus can transform defeated cells into a virus replication assembly line, spreading the infection as far as possible. In the case of the beatles, their sticky-sweet cuteness is the container. The effects are comparable to the Herpes simplex virus, which runs the gamut from the occasional minor irritation to severe, debilitating suffering and even death in extreme cases.

The beatle virus, aka: fabfouridae continues to be spread through the media via relentless bombardment. It follows the same basic method as advertising - manipulate the public by overwhelming it with so much senseless information that it deadens their senses and softens their minds. When this happens, you are easily bent over, and messages are rammed up your wazzoo.

Imagine if they played the same Mr. Clean commercials for forty years, never altering the jingle. What if Mr. Clean made the evening news twice a week, had articles written about him nearly everyday in newspapers around the world, made the covers of every music magazine approximately once a year, was played on the radio every hour, had documentaries and books written about him every month proclaiming how great and revolutionary he was and how relevant he remains today. Mr. Clean would be the man! He would be untouchable, especially when it came to being something you rub on the bathroom floor to remove urine stains and foul odors. In this light, we have to admit the beatles are the untouchable urine stains of music. Read the rest of this entry »

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Reason #817 - New White Shoe

The beatles and Nike, together again for the first time.

There’s so much wrong with this commercial, it’s pointless to even discuss.

*warning - don’t watch*
Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 668 - Buy a Beatle Album for Christ

Following the plummeting sales of FF albums in the United States, Beatlemart has decided to search for revenue in one of its biggest untapped markets, the Christians. Obviously there are a few existing Christian beatle fans already, but real god fearing Christians would just as soon allow a lesbian priest to perform an abortion.

You’ve probably seen the headlines screaming across the globe like Ono looking for her glove in the snow, The Beatles: A Christian Band?, The Ballad of John and Jesus. Its an inspired new campaign thats taking the world by storm. The sudden backpedaling claim that not only was John Lennon not Jesus, he was actually his biggest fan!

Believe it or not, the ploy is working. This story has already graced Christianity Today and Belief.net. The next step is to justify the beatles and Lennon in the eyes of the lord. Imagine there’s no Heaven? Bigger than Jesus? Compared with the scandals the church has been whitewashing for the past fifty years, let alone historically, the FF were a couple of choirboys. Hell, if the church could convince Catholic priests to remain celibate for their entire lives for the sole reason of avoiding offspring who might make claims on its property, selling the beatles to a bunch of kids already warped and scarred by Christian Rock will be a piece of cake.

It won’t be long before sermons begin incorporating beatleitudes and the Gospel according to John: Part deux, in the same way that U2charist has beatified Bono and the lads…which brings to mind a joke:

A musician dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and leads him towards the sound of some incredible music off in the distance. They soon reach the source and discover Jimi Hendrix jamming with Miles Davis. Keith Moon is on drums. Jaco Pastorius on bass, Art Tatum on keys. Amazed, the man looks around and sees famous musicians everywhere. All of his musical idols are there.
‘Is that Charlie Patton?’ He asks.
‘Yes, of course it is.’ Replies St. Peter.
Alone in a corner he spots another unmistakable figure.
‘Is that…Bono over there? I didn’t even know he was dead!’
St. Peter sighed.
‘Thats not Bono, its God. He thinks he’s Bono.”

You might be wondering what exactly is in it for the Christians. We’ll leave the theological issues for somebody else to deal with and simply sum it up with:

To end this properly, here’s an illustrated reenactment originally found in a passage from the gospel according to Ringo 20:1-6, the Ballad of John and Jesus:

The Ballad of John and Jesus (.pdf, 222kb) To Save Right Click and ‘Save As’

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Reason # 561 - The Beatles, Hanging Tough

You say you want a boy band revolution?

The FF are usually thought of as one of the defining bands in rock. A pioneering group which broke boundaries, bent the rules, and changed the face of popular music to become the greatest band in history. This is true in a sense; they were the first boy band. This honor is usually bestowed on the Monkees, but the truth is the Monkees weren’t the first, only the most blatant.

Take a look at some of the characteristics of a boy band.

They’re composed of several male singers with a strong emphasis on vocal harmonies and little importance given to musical ability.

One of the most crucial aspects insuring the success of a boy band is their image, which is carefully constructed and controlled by managing every aspect of the groups clothes, hair, promotional materials (which are frequently supplied to teen magazines), promotional items (anything that you can slap a picture of the band on), and of course music videos.

Their fans are young people, mostly girls.

Typically each member of the band will have some distinguishing feature or personality stereotype, such as the baby or the tough guy. This formula is based on the groundbreaking work of the FF: Paul was the cute one, George the quiet one, John the smart one, and Ringo the dumb one.

The music of a boy band is arranged and produced by a producer who works with the band at all times, oversees and controls the groups sound - if necessary, to the point of hiring session musicians and singers. (cough, cough. George Martin)

The Key factor for a successful boy band is to be trendy, or Fab. This means the band conforms to the most recent fashion and musical trends in the popular music scene.

The modern boy band has taken all of these ingredients and added a heaping tablespoon of dancing to the mix. If the beatles could have danced they’d be bigger than the beatles! (Jesus analogies don’t apply to this kind of fanaticism)

Quiz:

Apply this simple formula to complete the following paragraph:

The ____ were picked up by manager _____. He quickly got rid of _____ because ____ the front man needed to be the cute one, polished them up, put them in suits with fab haircuts, told them what kind of songs to play, teamed them up with ______ and proceeded to get them on the cover of every teen magazine in existence.

For bonus points, add dancing to the equation and see if you can distinguish between the FF and New Kids on the Block.

(2 votes, average: 2.5 out of 5)

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100 Reasons Why The Beatles Suck

We received this fantastic list in the mail and decided it deserves to be shared.

The sender has no clue where it originated, if you have any idea please drop us a line.

(3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)

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Fan Mail #3 - Help! There’s a Beatle in the closet!

According to popular opinion, anybody who doesn’t like the beatles is a homosexual who lives in his mothers basement. This seems to be the consensus amongst beatarded fans, so if you don’t think the FF walked on water you’d better run out and grab a tube of Astroglide and a Judy Garland album.

Its strange when you’re suddenly forced to realize that your sexual orientation is hinged upon a bunch of Fab sissies singing silly love songs. Who knew?

These homophobic messages usually take two forms:

The hit and run:

Subject: Hey!
You’re all gay!

and who can forget the angry diatribe:

Subject: I have something to tell you homos!!!
You fucking assholes deserve to suffocate on each others shit. You deserve to die moer than that fat lard ass Mark David Chapman. Why dont you faggots do something useful with your time, like suck each other off, instead of trying to make your own pathetic lives seem better by putting down well-respected and very talented individuals.

Honestly, suffocating on it is still preferable to listening to it.
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(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #307 - Three Days In the Life of Lame

Breaking News!

Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning - Spoilers!*
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(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Fan Mail #4 - A word from an above average beatle fan

Occasionally, sandwiched between gripping messages like this:

Subject: Dick

get cancer

We’ll receive an inspired message that humbles even the most cynical seekers of sanity, causing us to question if this noble crusade is even worth fighting. Not very often mind you, in fact it’s more rare than a good song on Revolver. This is one of those rare gems, it brilliantly chisels away any arguments and leaves you scratching your head in amazement. Myspace is great.

Subject: forget you !!!!!!!

In the name of God, ALLAH, the Father the Son and the Holy
Spirit , I condemn your site as anti Christian. You are just jealous
that Jesus lives. If I lived next door to you youd be pissed off even
more. And furthermore may the USA beat Canada at Hockey in every
olympics in the future. And at the best most manly and exciting sports
in the world :………curling.

ANd tell you …….and tell you……..awww…..I cant even
remember now……something about…. the Butthole Surfers or
something. Dont ear Yellow Snow My COmrade.

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #930 - I Heal Fine

By the height of beatlemania many fans had completely lost their minds. A combination of bad music played at mind-numbing volumes, media manipulation, and complete global saturation resulted in a state of what could only be called ‘forced retardation.’

The average beatle fan suffered not only a loss of intelligence, but a loss of reality. Beatle blind pilgrims searched desperately for secret messages and salvation on album covers and cereal boxes. A few even went so far as to try finding meaning in their music. Delirium raged and the moptops were suddenly elevated to the status of prophets and snake handlers.

Fans began bringing disabled children to their concerts, convinced that with a word or a gesture the four wise men from Liverpool would heal them. It didn’t end there, mentally and physically handicapped people of all ages were wheeled backstage for a shot at salvation. Thalomide kids with deformed and missing limbs, the blind, people with crutches, canes, wheelchairs, and oxygen tents. Understandably, the only people who didn’t want to be healed by the beatles were the deaf.

These poor misguided people, or spastics as Lennon commonly referred to them, may have pinned their hopes of salvation on the wrong lads.

Ringo: “people would bring in these terrible cases and leave them in our dressing room. They’d go off for tea or whatever, and they would leave them behind. If it got very heavy we would shout, “Mal, cripples!” and that became a saying, even when there were no handicapped people present. If there were any people around we didn’t like, we’d should, “Mal, cripples!” and they’d be escorted out.”

George: “John was allergic to cripples. You could see he had a thing about them; I think it was a fear or something. …We’d come out of the band room to go to the stage and we’d be fighting our way through all these poor unfortunate people.”

John: “When we would open up, every night, instead of seeing kids there, we would see a row full of cripples along the front. When we’d be running through, people would be lying around. It seemed that we were just surrounded by cripples and blind people all the time, and when we would go through corridors they would all be touching us … They’d line them up, and I got the impression The Beatles were being treated as bloody faith healers …”

-source: The Beatles Anthology, pages 142-143

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(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Reason #781 - A Pictoral History of The Beatles (part one)

A picture is worth a thousand words, here’s a few candid shots of the FF throughout the years. Click on the thumbnails for the full sized image.

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 141 - The Beatles Sucked, claims another former Beatle

Hot on the heels of our Liverpool Ache and other turd related exposés, Ringo Starr has finally relented his stance.

Stepping down from his throne on Mount OhLoveUs in order to grant the mortals of Ireland Online an interview, for the first time he delivered a testament of truth. Basking in the awe of his godlike status, fans of this formidable skin tapper were moved to tears of joy as he entered the hallowed halls of…well, thats not important. It’s rumored that a reporter in attendance accidentally touched his cloak, and began singing in tongues before scribbling words of wisdom in his gilded Sgt Pepper’s notebook.

Ringo stood before the congregation, slowly raising his magical scepter. He opened his mouth to speak, and the words he uttered fell upon the terrified audience like a plague of flying dung beetles, ‘The beatles turned into an awful band.’ Tears of joy turned into tears of horror and blind rage. Lives were shattered, reduced to a meaningless confetti of memorabilia and warped 45s. A billion empty beatleheads squinted blindly in the harsh light of reality, and wriggled vainly to find cover in their malodorous piles of nostalgia.

Although Ringo finally admitted to the world the truth about the money grubbing fab four’s fraudulent claims to rock pedagogy, he quickly weakened and began to backpedal so quickly that he careened recklessly into the trusty old fall-back, “…because we literally couldn’t hear ourselves over the screaming from the audience.”

Ah, so close. For a brief moment the world made sense. At least Lennon had the balls to stand behind what he said:

Lets end on a note from happier times, here is a rare 1972 image of Ringo granting wishes via Ringovision:

Source: Ireland Online

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 7005 - Flabby Soul

Occasionally you’ll hear the fab-blind discuss how soulful various songs and albums were.

Usually we just laugh to ourselves when we hear the word beatle and the word soulful in the same sentence, unless the sentence is, ‘The beatle were soulful of crap it was coming out of their mouths!’ We decided to find out exactly what sounds people are mistaking for soul. We came up empty handed.

Our first stop was Fab4Fan’s infamous Rankopedia to see what the consensus is for the most soulful beatles songs. Alas, there was no such category. The closest we found was ‘which beatle fan has the brownest nose and emptiest wallet.’ So a few weeks ago we created our own poll, Most Soulful Beatle Songs. Ten thousand opinionated members, and we only got two votes, not a good sign. Searches elsewhere turned up little more than slanted reviews with the word soulful getting battered like a piece of tempura. We’re left to our own devices to get to the bottom of this one.

The problem now became how do you judge soul? We’re obviously talking about soulful music here, not soul music like the stuff that came out of Motown. There doesn’t seem to be any working soul-o-meters these days, they all disappeared with STAX. So, first we need to define it. I think we can all agree that a fair definition of soulful music is music that is passionately sung and performed, full of both feeling and expression.

Secondly, we need to identify a fair starting point and level the playing field. You can’t just listen to an FF song and decide, ‘yup - thats pretty soulful, way more than Yellow Submarine.’ The only way to do this fairly is to compare two performances of the same song, then we can easily gauge who has the soul going on.

Lets get to it.
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(6 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Reason #267 - The Beatle Ford Clinic

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

If you’ve ever searched for an excuse to drink on a Monday, today is for you.
Tip back a few yards of your favorite poison and don’t forget to drink to your pals at SMB.

Just be sure to avoid any noxious concoctions like the Brandy Alexander (Brandy and Milk?!?) which Lennon loved so dearly, or you may wind up in the Beatle Ford Clinic. This is a fate far worse than death, which the following video proves conclusively.

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(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #517 - You Say Good Buy, I Say Hell No.

This is a clever tactic, a new form of some sort of Gonzo Advertising. Target has not only advertised a product, but simultaneously created a demand for it.
By the end of this thirty second spot you will definitely need to run out for a fresh supply of toilet paper. Talk about squeezing out a winner, they’re shitting gravy!

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(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #357 - The Beatles will Rot Your Teeth

Everyone has experienced this familiar scenario:

You see an ad for food that looks so great that next time you go out you make it a point to pick up some of that delicious looking delicacy. When you sit down to feast, you discover it only vaguely resembles what you saw in the photo or the commercial, and it tastes like the ass end of a mule on laxatives.

Why does this slop look so good in ads, but not when you get it? Its possible you’re a crummy cook or you’ve encountered an unstable fast food worker, but realistically the most likely reason is that the food you see isn’t meant to be eaten, its created by ‘food stylists’ to look good. Its poisonous and it will kill you.

Why do those Corn Flakes Lennon loved to sing about so much look so nice sitting in a bowl of milk? Its not milk, its white glue. Burgers are sprayed with glycerin and painted to make them look moist and juicy, as well as cut up and shaped from behind to fill out the bun. That beautiful roast turkey has been washed in dish detergent, cooked briefly, painted with ten coats of food colouring, and blow torched to give it that roasted look. The syrup being poured over pancakes? Motor oil. The secret to juicy, delectable BBQ ribs? Half-cook them and paint with wood stain and BBQ sauce. That cold, refreshing bottle of beer with beads of condensation clinging to it? A thick, clear gelatin product called Ice powder. Cake? Styrofoam with icing. Ice Cream? Mashed potatoes and food colouring. Hot steam rising from this fresh from the oven creation? Cigarette smoke blown through a straw.

This deception isn’t considered lying, its considered a good sales strategy. Most people know that the food they see on TV is fake, but they buy it anyway. They don’t care its a two-dimensional fraud, backed up by a snappy jingle which is replayed hundreds of times a day so the name becomes impossible to forget. They don’t care that it actually has very little nutritional value and the labels are completely misleading (MSG is still used in foods that proclaim that they’re MSG FREE, they simply either change the name to a variation of ‘hydrolyzed soy protein,’ or flat out lie), the ingredients cheap, the flavor created in a laboratory (what the hell is ‘natural flavor’ anyway?).

People still buy this stuff because they don’t care. Its easy, they’re conditioned to like fake food, and they have no taste. These are the beatle fans of food.

Its the same illusion that allows FF fans to pretend this music is good, healthy, or worth digesting. They don’t like to think about it. They prefer music presented as sugar coated, mass marketed, pre-digested bite-sized lumps, repackaged in shiny wrappers and served on a platter of psychedelic swirls and mundane mediocrity. The beatles are the Pizza Pops of music. How else can you explain something like this:

Or this?

Its now very obvious that John Lennon was talking about fudge peace signs and toffee cookies when he wrote Imagine, not some stupid message of world peace…duh! Finally fans can rot their teeth while they rot their minds.

When you compare the mass marketed bubble gum claptrap* that creates the bulk of the beatles easy-to-swallow repertoire to actual bubble gum, the similarities are uncanny. The simple, inoffensive, safe melodies and lyrics perpetrated by this overblown boyband and the unholy following Madison Avenue has created behind them becomes nothing more than a bunch of lazy lab rats, too stupid to leave their wide open cages, opting instead to sit in the darkness on their overgrown haunches and chew on grease stains clinging to the discarded wrappers of yesterdays swindle.

*Thanks to Gary Hall for this expression.

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(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Fan Mail #2- Propaganda in Action

Welcome to Part 2 of our Fan Mail Series.

In contrast to the previous fan mail, this is the other extreme. The type two are the folks who don’t want us to ‘go be died from kansur,‘ they want us to see the light, and rejoice in the beauty and wonder of the beatles. Do you know what happens if you light a match in a pit full of manure?

What follows is an excellent example of some very basic propaganda methods which are commonly used to bolster and validate the FF’s reputation and convince the unaware that the beatles were not only the greatest band in history, but demi-gods.

This message primarily uses the techniques of Faulty Logic, Diversion, Repetition and Falsehoods. All of these arguments are completely irrelevant, but we’ll try and go through and point what is going on behind some of these statements. We’ve tried to cover up to the Bob Kulick section, where the formula of spitting out names and distorted facts becomes blatantly obvious. Honestly, we still haven’t made it to the end of this message. If anybody wants to take a crack at some of these facts we’ll update and credit accordingly.

This poor, misguided individual actually seems to believe this drivel. At least they’ve put a lot of time and effort into compiling this message. Unfortunately for her, it may be too late to extinguish that match.

You,your totally stupid inaccurate web site and anyone who supports you is what is full of total crap! And you are really making a fool of yoursel!!

Can’t argue with that!

Even, Ozzy Osbourne said in an online 2002 Bender Magazine interview that The Beatles Are The Greatest Band To Ever Walk The Earth!(1) He’s been a huge fan since he’s been a teenager and he says not loving The Beatles is like not loving oxogen! The Rolling Stones were very good friends and fans of The Beatles and Mick Jagger was at 4 Beatles recording sessions and Keith Richards was at 2 of them with them!

(1) AKA: Appeal to an Inappropriate Authority. Ozzy Likes them and The Rolling Stones were at recording sessions? A neighbor of mine used to have a three legged dog, does that mean Chuck Berry likes strawberry ice cream?

Also,The Beatles even wrote one of The Rolling Stones first hits with the song,I Wanna Be You’re Man in late 1963.(2) As for the other inaccurate comments that some people say The Beatles didn’t even stay together for 2 decades,well they didn’t have to because they did about 50 years worth of innovative,creative,diverse,prolific great critically acclaimed popular songs and albums in just a remarkable 8 year recording career!(3)

(2)AKA: Introducing Irrelevant Information as Evidence.
(3)AKA:The Fallacy of Inconsistency. “The beatles didn’t stay together for 20 years…but they didn’t have to!”

The Beatles are in The Song Writing Hall Of Fame &The Vocal Hall of Fame(4),and As The All Music Guide says in their excellent Beatles biography(5),”So much has been said and written about The Beatles and their story is so mythic in it’s sweep that it’s difficult to summarize their career without restating cliche’s that have already been digested by tens of millions of rock fans ,to start with the obvious,they were the greatest and most influential act of the rock era ,and introduced more innovations into popular music than any other rock band of the 20th century.” “As vovalists John Lennon &Paul McCartney were among the best and most expressive in rock and the groups harmonies were intricate and exhillirating.”(6)

(4)AKA:Appeal to Authorities
(5)AKA:Using a Bias
(6)AKA:A variotion on Appeal to Authorities, get a fake expert to say what you want people to hear.

And music critics as well as brilliant classical composer Leonard Bernstein called John & Paul the most brilliant song writers of the 20th century when they were still a band(7). As for The Beatles playing live,they sounded pretty good playing live considering that when they were playing in 1963,1964,1965,and 1966 the sound systems back then were very limited and primitive,they only had 100 watt amplifiers,no feedback monitors so they couldn’t even hear themselves play and sing,yet they amazingly played in tune and in sync anyway,(8)and at the August 1965 Shea Stadium concert which was the first big outdoor rock concert with over 55,000 fans,they were plugged into the PA system that they announce baseball games with plus the screaming crowds drowing out their great music! Can you imagine The Rolling Stones and The Who playing on these very limited primitive sound ystems?
They wouldn’t have sounded much better!(9)

(7)AKA:Name Dropping, Appeal to Authorities.
(8)AKA:Minimization and Denial. Not to mention Outright Fantasy.
(9)AKA: Thats just funny.

Thats why they gave up touring,because they were serious music artists,composers,and musicians and they wanted their great music to be heard and valued.(10) It would be like Beethoven playing on these limited primitive sound systems and screaming crowds!(11) Also they were now writing music that was too complex to reproduce on stage at that time.(12)

(10)AKA:The Big Lie
(11)AKA:Argue from Ignorance, claiming that an idea should be considered valid because there is nothing to prove otherwise. Not exactly true, Beethovens music has been performed live to huge crowds for quite a long time, not as long as the beatles…
(12)AKA:Repeating Old Memes. Stupid ones.

On the roof top concert in The Let It Be Film,they sounded great(13),because by January 1969 the sound systems had improved somewhat(although not anywhere near the 1970’s,1980’s,1990’s and especially today’s!) and they had changed and people had changed so there were no more screaming crowds so they could be heard.When I was a teenager I met 3 people who saw The Beatles in concert two of them were teachers who saw them in 1966 and he and she told me they were great,and my cousin saw them at age 16 at The Baltimore Colsieum in 1964 the year before I was born,and she said they were great. (14)

(13) AKA: Arguing from Ignorance. See: The Long and Winding Roadrunner*
(14) WHAT!?!?

Former Kiss guitarist and grammy winning producer Bob Kulick who made the heavy metal Beatles tribute album Butchering The Beatles last year,says in an online interview,that he saw The Beatles at Shea Stadium in 1966 and that he could only make out pieces of the songs because of the screaming,but he could make out the songs Baby’s In Black and Paperback Writer and he said they sounded amazing!

Bob Kulick? Uh oh, bringing out the big guns now. I challenge you to go back and read this paragraph again without shaking your head.

He also calls The Beatles The Greatest Rock Band Ever! George Harrison at only age 14 would stay up playing his guitar until he got all of the chords exactly right and his fingers were bleeding!(15) And One of The Beatles engineers Geoff Emerick says that in early 1966 when The Beatles were recording John’s song I’m Only Sleeping,George Harrison played backwards guitar the most difficult way possible even though he could have taken an easy way,and it took him 6 hours just to do the guitar overdubs!(16) He then made it doubly difficult by adding even more distorted gitars and Geoff says this was all George’s idea and that he did all of the playing!(17)

(15)Is this Bob Kulick or Bryan Adams?
(16)See Help! I need some practice or While My Guitar Hero Gently Weeps.
(17)AKA: A Distinction without a Difference, or a stupid fact that had to fit into this tome somewhere.

Eric Clapton said in a 1992 interview when he and George were asked what they admired about each other during their Japan tour,that George is a fantastic slide guitar player. (18)He and George were very good friends and they obviously admired and respected each others guitar playing and George played guitar on Cream’s song Badge.(19)

(18) AKA: Comparing Apples to Oranges, Diverting Attention. Not only should you ask what Clapton’s opinion has to do with anything, let alone this argument, what does playing slide guitar have to do with the beatles?
(19) A ‘Non Reason’ Reason.
(Incidentally, didn’t Clapton steal Harrisons wife? What a pal!)

Roger McGuinn of The Byrds says The Beatles used unusual folk rock chords in their early music and that they invented folf rock without even knowing it!(20) He started to play a 12 string guitar after he saw and heard George Harrison playing one in The Beatles great film A Hard Day’s Night in early 1964. In an online Eric Clapton interview called,Eric Clapton In His Own Words he says that John Lennon was a pretty good guitar player (21)and he would have known since he played live in concert with John as a member of John’s 1969 Plastic Ono Band!

(20) Now the beatles invented rock by accident?
(21) Thats a great endorsement. “Well, I’ve heard worse.”

On an excellent site called,The Evolution Of Rock Bass Playing McCartney Style by Dennis Alstrand Stanley Clarke,Will Lee,Billy Sheehan,Sting,George Martin,and John Lennon are all quoted saying what a great,melodic,influential bass guitar player Paul McCartney has always been! The 1992 Rolling Stone Album Guide calls Paul a remarkable bass player and rightfully calls John &Paul the 2 greatest song writers in rock history! Both Phil Collins and Max Weinberg both Beatles fans and both praise Ringo’s drumming and Phil Collins says that Ringo’s great drumming on A Day In The Life can’t even be repeated even by him!

Speechless

Also on Rankopedia The Beatles are # 1 Greatest Rock Band,# 1 Greatest Most Innovative Rock Band,John &Paul are # 1 Greatest Rock Song Writers,John &Paul are on The Greatest Rock Male Vocalist list,and Paul McCartney is # 2 after John Enwistle as Greatest Rock Bass Players,John Paul Jones is # 6,and Bill Wynman is # 20! And on Digitaldreamdoor where many musicians post,The Beatles are # 1 Greatest Rock Artists,John &Paul are # 1 Greatest Rock Song Writers,they are both on The Greatest Rock Male Vocalists list,and Paul McCartney is # 8 out of 100 Greatest Rock Bass Players,John Paul Jones is # 21,and Bill Wynman is # 95! George Harrison is # 54 On The Greatest Rock Guitarists out of over 100. (22)

(22) AKA: Lying with Statistics, Questionable sources, Appealing to Numbers, using exact numbers.
(Rankopedia is a website that can tell you what the “best song ever (in English)” is, using their sophistcated, unbiased ranking system of…? By the way, you must be wondering, I know we were. The best song ever in English is Stairway to Heaven; it beat Wonderwall which was only ranked 25!)

And there are many music professors teaching music courses at good universities on the brilliance of The Beatles especially of John &Paul,including by award winning music professor and composer Dr.Glen Gass,who has been teaching a course on The Beatles and rock music at Indiana University since 1982.

That is just sad. Who would go to university to pay for a beatles education when all they have to do is read magazines and watch television. If that’s considered a good university I’d rather be educated by a mongoloid leper with bad breath who preaches about Archie comics while spraying pus from his tongue. The ‘doctor’ in question here seems eerily familiar:

On his web site for his course it says the main purpose of this course is to get students to have a better appreciation of this extraordinary group and their remarkable recordings. Dr.Gary Kendal’s Beatles course is the most requested course at North Western University. And a music professor by the last name of Heinonen teaches a Beatles course at JYVASKYLA University in Finland,and the university of California also teaches a Beatles course etc.

Also check out Keno’s Classic Rock n Roll Site he also runs a Rolling Stones &John Lennon fan site. And he made a Top 10 List and voted and the fans voted. He voted John &Paul # 2 after Bob Dylan as Greatest Rock Song Writers,the fans voted them # 1! He voted Paul McCartney # 2 after John Entwistle as Greatest Rock Bass Player,the fans voted Paul # 3. He voted John Lennon # 2 after Keith Richards as Greatest Rock Rhythm Guitarist,and the fans voted John in a tie with Jimi Hendrix and Brian Jones at # 4 ! He voted John Lennon # 1 in a tie with Elvis as Greatest Male Rock Vocalist and the fans voted John # 1,he voted Paul # 6 and the fans voted him # 7.

I can’t emphasize this enough…So Fucking What!?!? We run a beatles website and vote Keno’s website slightly lower than a steaming pile of llama shit. You may quote that in future debates.

Ken says Darn The Beatles were one great group in his review of The Beatles album 1967-1970,and he also says that John on Get Back showed why he should have played lead guitar more often because he did such a good job! He also said that John on their hard rocking great 1968 single Revolution,played one of the first and best acid guitar parts.And he also said that John played a pretty good slide guitar on George’s For Your Blue. And he says in his review of The Beatles 1962-1966,that if you don’t love or at least like The Beatles and their music than you are not a true rock fan and more than likely will never get it.

A critic gave them a good review? No Foolin?!?
It never ceases to amaze me that people don’t realize why critics write about the beatles. Its easy money! There’s no research, no interviews, no need to even listen to the music. Everybody loves buying magazine with the beatles on the cover. They can masturbate on their keyboards and title the article “The Beatles, 38 years, two month, 9 hours and 17 minutes later.” And it will sell! There’s no reason for them ever to write about music that is alive or meaningful again.

At this point its become a little too stomach-wrenching to continue. Feel free to read on alone.

And Brian Wilson said on a 1995 Nightline TV Beatles tribute show,that Sgt.Pepper is the single greatest album he ever heard,and he played With A Little Help From Friends on the piano and he said I just love this song. He also said he thinks John Lennon & Paul McCartney were the 2 greatest song writers of the 20th century! He also said when he first heard The Beatles great 1965 album Rubber Soul,that he was blown away by it,he said all of the songs flowed together and it was pop music but folk rock at the same time,and this is what he couldn’t believe. He said this inspired him to make Pet Sounds. Elton John said in a 1991 CBS morning news show,when he was asked who he musically admires,he said You can talk about your Rogers &Hammerstein but for the quality of quanity songs that Lennon &McCartney did in that short period of time,they were the 2 greatest song writers of the 20th century!Most music artists want to believe and want the public to believe that *their* the greatest so when they say other music artists are the greatest it really means a lot! The Beatles are also the most covered music artists of all time with everyone from Motown,jazz,classical,and even heavy metal music recording their great diverse music!

And in 2001 VH1 had a panel of well known musicans and music critcs,that voted The Beatles The Greatest Rock Band Ever,and in 2004 Rolling Stone did the same thing and several people said on message boards that Rolling Stone had a recent panel poll like this and The Beatles were voted # 1 again and for darn great reasons too! Nobody created as much innovative,creative,quality,critically acclaimed,popular diverse songs and albums in such a short amazing period of time as The Beatles and thats why most people know that The Beatles Are The Greatest Rock Band That Ever Was Or Will Be!!!!

Oh and A Day’s Night is a great pop rock album!!!!

And even Bob Dylan said decades ago about The Beatles early music,that their chords were outrageous,and the harmonies were wonderful and they were doing things in music that nobody had done before,and music critics of The London Times were praising their interesting and unusual chords that they used even in early songs like She Loves You & I Want To Hold Your Hand. Which were not as simple as they seemed and had clever subtleties in them.Infact Bob Dylan said in a Rolling Stone interview this Spring that he’s in awe of Paul McCartney and he said he’s the only one he’s in awe of. He said that Paul has the melody,he has the rhthym and he can sing the ballad very good,and he can play any instrument.He also said there were no better singers than John Lennon &Paul McCartney and he said if George wasn’t stuck in the shadow behind John &Paul and he said who wouldn’t get stuck,he would have emerged as a great song writer in his own right anyway.

And by the way I have read some people saying on message boards that they don’t think The Rolling Stones were the best technical musicians,and many even some fans have said they haven’t done anything good in 35 years, and that their overrated and I have also found many people saying they hate or don’t like The Rolling Stones and many people say the only Rolling Stones song they like is
Paint It Black! Oh and by the way,in every major poll of The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones,The Beatles always win as # 1 even on sites and message boards that are not Beatles fan sites!And when we look at the solo career comparison of Mick Jagger’s and Keith Richards solo careers with John,Paul &George’s,the facts are John Lennon’s first brilliant solo album,and his second great album Imagine are rightfully critically acclaimed, and I love John’s Walls & Bridges album and Paul McCartney’s first solo album McCartney is very good,and he played every instrument all by himself at age 27,and he played so many different instruments great! Wings 1975 Venus & Mars is a great rock album too!

And he and Denny Laine are the only musicians on Paul’s great 1973 Band On The Run album,which is critically acclaimed and popular,and he played every instrument by himself again on McCartney 2 in 1979,and most of the instruments on his 1997 Flaming Pie album,and his 2 recent acclaimed popular albums,Chaos And Creation In The Backyard,and Memory Almost Full.And John Paul Jones,David Gilmore,John Bonham &Pete Townsend all played on 2 songs with Paul and Wings on the last Wings album Back To The Egg, in 1979,and they played in the last Wings concert too in December 1979.

You know I have found over 50 former Beatles haters on many message boards and web sites that are noe HUGE Beatles fans and many say they are now their favorite band and that they were the Greatest Band Ever! I didn’t communicate with these people but they said in their posts that they had a lot of inaccurate misperceptions of The Beatles and they hadn’t even heard most of The Beatles great songs and albums!

Most people don’t hate The Beatles in the first place,most people of all ages all around the world love or at least like their music,but it’s really something for former haters to turn into big fans and it just goes to show how Great The Beatles music is!!!!

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason #2008 - The Grammy Awards

If you haven’t heard about the big upset at the Grammy Awards this week, the beatles won four awards for best…um…the best at being former beatles? Some say the judges have to give out a few every year or else face a firing squad made up of disgruntled billionaire stockholders, and to back this theory up they cite Ringo’s nine awards.

Its tough to debunk this theory, even for professional beatle apologists. While theres undoubtedly a lot of truth here, its not quite the whole story. It leaves out the section of the formula which awards random American Idol winners and pop singers who’ve decided to shill iPods and shiny pants in order to sell enough albums to qualify as talented enough to become cash cow of the year.

To demystify this complicated process we’ve devised a flowchart to highlight the main points and make it easier to understand.

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Reason #1938.2 - Across the Universe *Update*

People laughed, people scoffed, but a mere two months after we announced our plans for sending beatle fans into space on the Across the Universe Tour, NASA beat us to the quick by launching phase one for themselves. Hats off, drinks are on us!

Link to the official NASA Story

Their Beatlefication of the universe project is admittedly slightly more advanced than our original idea. They’ve assured a clear passage for the trip by blasting the dreaded FF ditty at the speed of 186,000 miles per second at the star Polaris. As you undoubtedly know, hearing this song at a mere 33 1/3 RPM is enough to send the typical human into convulsions, at this speed the moptop missile will destroy anything in its path. At least anything with a decent ear or sense of taste, leaving the musically challenged beatlehead to tiptoe through the nebulae unfettered. We have only one criticism of their actions, why didn’t they shoot one of the former beatles into space instead?

A Ghastly side-effect, aside from the request that earthlings all play the song in sympathy with the launch, is the ever-quickening disintegration of the already fragile minds of these poor braindead fools standing in line to go on the trip.

A direct quote from the comments page on NASA’s official site:

How befitting that the music of humanity is sung amongst the music of the spheres; how the sound of a generation past shall rest with generations future; of four young lads from Liverpool, amongst the skiffle and the rock n roll, elevated to the galactic neigbourhood and beyond. RIP John & George Amen Om. Well done NASA. Beatlemania at Polaris in 143 years?

Gee, how thoughtful. How eloquent. Kind of makes you wish for instant global annihilation, don’t it?

Reason # 1938 - Across the Universe Tour

(3 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)

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Reason # 512 - Who’ll stop the Rain? A Banana?

While watching the news last night they broke to a commercial. While this isn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, what they were ‘commerting’ was not only equally as horrifying as the news, but far more disturbing. Sandwiched in between death in the Congo and the weather they showed four bloated old corpses in MopTop wigs dressed like they were going to a dork fetish party. They were playing early beatles songs, on early beatle instruments. They even had a drummer with a gigantic honker! The truly unnerving part was when they panned out to the audience watching these wierdos, everyone was clapping….and the place was full! Hopefully they just cut in some stock footage of an audience from a dog show or something less nauseating.

Finally, towards the end of this endless 30 seconds of hell its revealed that RAIN, this make-believe moptop band, is scheduled to play for SEVEN DAYS! IN A ROW! Tickets are $30-70 each and the venue has a seating capacity (who could stand for that garbage) of 3223. A conservative estimate with everybody buying cheap seats gives us $96,690 a night if they sell out the joint, at the end of the week $696,830. Thats a lot of nostalgia. Thats a lot of baby-boomers and beatleheads. Thats a lot of money! (On a completely unrelated note 1 kilo of mustard gas costs $4.15.)

Just when you think the average beatle fan couldn’t get anymore gullible, they start paying to watch pretend time with their imaginary friends. After the show instead of hailing a cab home, most of them will ride Snuffalufagus to their mystical enchanted gardens beneath the sea.

Here is a video clip of RAIN - The beatles Experience (warning: don’t watch)

After this came an interview with Jerry Levitan. If you don’t know who this is, you will soon. When this beatle obsessed tongue wagger was 14 years old he managed to tape record an interview with John Lennon. He sat on this tape for over thirty years, got somebody to animate around the audio, and released it as a documentary named I Met The Walrus which is now short-listed for an Oscar.

“I am stunned,” said Levitan of the nomination. Really? Stunned!?! This is the blueprint for instant commercial and critical success, proven countless times over the past thirty years. The formula is as follows.

Don’t be afraid to test this, try peeling a potato into the shape of a former beatle and put it on youtube, in a matter of hours you’ll be famous! In fact, lets take this one step further with The John Lennon Angry Banana Baby Interview and see what happens:

Read the rest of this entry »

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Fan mail #1 - A word from the average beatle fan

Welcome to our newest feature, Fan mail aka: If everybody hates you, you must be doing something right.

We’ve had plenty of requests to share some of the messages received from our more eloquent detractors. After wading through hundreds of emails consisting of variations on the theme, ‘You’se guys are stupids! LOL! How come you not die?ROTLFLMA!‘ We’ve selected a few masterpieces to give you an idea of what the average beatle fan thinks, where they’re coming from, and their opinion of our work. A glimpse into the mind of what we’re up against.

Without further ado, here’s the first letter from our series. This one came to us through our Myspace account. In this young mans defense, he did come around and see a glimmer of light at the end of the FF dungeon.

*Please note: spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left in their original form. If anyone cares to submit an English translation please get in touch with us via the contact page -Das*

Subject: man you must have a good life

your so fucked up you must cut down the greatist progreshion in music since cave men beat on crap to make drum beats john lennon said that they where beter known than the god not beatler than god and they where more people at that time knew of the beatles than of god so that argument is bull shit the beatles are funier than you tough stop bitching about it george harrison divoted his life to music and did a lot for the world and your a jackass for malesting the cover to let it be. paule micartney is well within the ranks of the best modern conposers dont believe me listine to wings live and let die very carfully then reconsider you opinion. john lennon did more for the anti vietnam movent then other single artist wich probably does not concern you because from the sound of it you are one of thous nazis who like to send americas youth off forcefully tword iminate death because of net picky political crap. mind you he was protesting will the president himself was looking four an excuse to have him deported because he was afraid that john whould potentialy threten the publices opinion on his personal war excuse me i cant call it a war, police action and yes john hade a drug problem but to conplety disrespect one of the world finest musicians because of your bias bullshit especialy sence lennon managed to break his harowin adiction [if you could have enouf self controll to break a harowin adiction i will eat my keyboard] and tell his son he was a smelly hippie you fucking asshole i am two pissed to take the time to talk about ringo right know but if you have a problem with the beatle kicking you ass at life send me a message of all you conplants and i will adress them personaly untill then dont be a your an asshole

_________________________________

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason#214 - How to Slice a Turd.

A popular joke amongst friends is the old favorite, “Two down, two to go.”

While we can’t help but agree, and laugh, its not quite so easy. This problem goes deeper. If you wanted to stop hearing McCartney’s brain drool the last thing you’d want is for him to be buried six feet under, especially at the hands of a deranged killer. Look what happened to Lennon, one day he’s a fading celebrity, the next day he’s Jesus Christ.

No, to take McCartney’s music and the dreaded FF aural ass stain off the air something greater needs to happen, and the first steps have miraculously begun. We know what you’re thinking, but it’s not the Gary Glitter way. (Incidentally, is it not possible to find a song written by somebody who’s not a twice-convicted pedophile to play at hockey games?).

We spoke briefly of Ringo’s new album, aka: the aural fellatio of Liverpool. How could this tailor-made cash queef not be a huge hit? Its a love song to the city that thinks he walks on water, unfortunately for the short sighted organizers they didn’t realize how warm the water surrounding the man actually is. During an appearance on the BBC talk show Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Ringo not only insulted his hometown, but showed visible signs of disgust when asked if he’d ever consider moving back. The fans…didn’t go wild.

Shortly after this he was scheduled to appear on the morning variety show Live with Regis and Kelly to play his new song, and show off his sparkling wit. Instead, he stormed off when asked to cut the length of his song down from its original length of five minutes to something a room full of sentient beings could stomach. No amount of pouting or compromise could get our new hero Michael Gelman (executive producer) to budge. Dave Stewart, co-writer, co-producer, guitarist, bumbling henchman and lackey was miffed, saying the show was, “disrespectful treatment of us as artists. Four minutes seemed like an appropriate amount of time for a former Beatle. Mr. Gelman apparently felt Ringo’s musical legacy should take a back seat to additional banter about the size of Ms. Ripa’s derrière.”

Finally, somebody gets the picture! Lets all pitch in and send Mr. Gelman a bottle of scotch and a bouquet of roses. This artist is of less concern than a talk show hosts ass. What Mr Stewart failed to realize is that not only he trying to piggyback a former beatle, but a former beatle with sub-par material…even for a beatle! McCartney take heed, Your days are numbered.

This is an important first step, the separation of man from myth. For the public to independently make the distinction between ‘beatle’ and ‘former beatle’ is a huge leap. It pinpoints a specific date in time, nullifying every laughable attempt at cashing in on the FF empire since the band self-destructed in 1970. You heard right, thirty-eight years ago!

We’ve been unable to get an interview with Mr. Gelman regarding his laudable decision up to this point, but thats unimportant. We all know what he would say, “No matter how many times you slice a turd you’re going to end up with smaller pieces of turd. If America needs to swallow this crap its has to be in easily digestible chunks. Not many people in our audience could choke down a log of that magnitude.”

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Reason # 414 - Fit to be Necktied

Beatlemart is finally putting out something of value, a John Lennon Necktie!

In honor of this historic release we’ve designed a new style of knot to accompany it, the Knot Again. This is destined become an incredibly popular fad, like the ZZTop dance or the pet rock. If you want to be cool like all your FF lovin’ pals, you’d better learn how to do it now.

Its actually quite easy once you get the hang of it, just follow these simple instructions and you’ll be the coolest moptop on your block in no time!

(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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Reason #306 - Liverpool 8 and Rolling Groans

Ringo has a new album out, God help us.

In place of our first official album review, which was not much more than tortured screams of, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!” As well as our revised review:

“lavknm ap/;aergpm q0g q
,
kas
fgmoasdf54 s
sdfgasdf 45d3 h786ghdfj 0sd8 sdfgsd sr6 e508e578 8”

(This is what cleaning vomit from a keyboard looks like)

We’ve decided instead to kill two birds with one stone.

Before we begin grab one of our handy FF listening companions and take a listen to a song from the album in question.

(3 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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12 Warning signs that you may be suffering from Beatleitis

This is part one of an ongoing self-help series.
Warning signs
by Dr. Lance Saugen

It’s an ugly word. Beatleitis. Nobody wants to talk about it, yet every year more and more people are destroyed by this horrible affliction. Nobody is too young or too old to be safe from its menace. If left untreated it can be fatal, or if you look at the image below, even worse:

Rest assured that with a little determination and will-power you can be cured! Many others have, and so can you. This is a problem that will not go away if you ignore it, it will continue to grow and fester, slowly taking over your body, your soul, your mind, and lastly what’s left of your wallet.

The first step to defeating this crippling disease is to identify it and admit that you have a problem. I know this isn’t easy, but you’re going to have to face this now before it gets completely out of hand. To help you figure out if you do have a problem I’ve prepared 12 questions. The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what Beatleitis is doing to you.

These particular questions are geared towards youth, as our most outspoken and violent offenders are under the legal voting age. In fact, they’re usually under the legal driving age and fresh out of diapers. Don’t let this deter you, these questions apply to everyone. If you’re reading this, you know you’ve come to the right place. It’s never too late to stop!

1. Do you listen to the beatles because you have problems? To relax?

12. Do you think it’s cool to listen to the beatles? Do you listen because of peer pressure?

If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you have a problem. If you answered yes to question five or own a Wings album I’m sorry to say it might already be too late. Only you can put an end to this madness, but take heart in knowing you’re not alone. I’m here to help in anyway I can. Feel free to write to me, Dr Lance Saugen, anytime, day or night for immediate assistance, strength, guidance, advice, or just to talk.

(2 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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Free Christmas Cards!

Hey Folks,

In the spirit of the season we’ve decided to give back to the community that has given us so much support.

Here’s our first annual free Christmas/Holiday/Season card installment. Give them to your loved ones, give them to your enemies. Give them to the guy at the Burger King Drive-Thru, the liquor store, and the massage parlor. Whatever you do, just give them away!

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of all of these fabulous cards, just right-click and save this link: Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2007!(.rar, 880kb)

Its as easy as Print, Cut and Fold.

After a brief trip into HMV this afternoon we’ve decided to cut our losses and head for the hills until this Christmas storm blows over. It was ugly. We lost a few key members of the team beneath anFF avalanche. Avoid going near a store at all costs. Do whatever you have to, but this is serious, you will perish. Try and find a nice quiet cave to call home for a few days, its the only wise thing to do.

Best Wishes for the holiday season, and when in doubt always remember the words of Gary Hall: You’re right and they’re wrong.
-Your Pals at SMB

(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Reason #742 - Rare Outtake Video Surfaces