Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

Beatle Thumbs up overtakes Vatican bums up

In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

I think we can all agree with the Vatican that beatle songs seem distant and meaningless.

The strange thing here is not only the motivation behind this act, but also the speed at which the Vatican has forgiven the moptops for their deplorable behavior. Galileo was branded a heretic and sentenced to life imprisonment. His fiendish crimes included inventing the telescope and claiming the earth revolved around the sun. It took more than 400 years for the Catholic church to forgive him, and it’s unsure if they ever accepted his ‘Earth Is Round’ theory.

It may just be that the Vatican has embarked upon a pop culture crusade, using the beatles as a fiendish new instrument of torture. If so, I believe it’s safe to long for the good ole days of the Pear of Anguish, a far more humane way to be persecuted.

The horrifying truth is that not even the Vatican was prepared for the consequences which followed the sanctification of beatlemart and their mighty suckubus.

The beatles were officially forgiven on the weekend of April 10th, 2010. Hours later, the sleeping giant Eyjafjallajökull erupted, spewing molten rock, a towering wall of ash, dust and steam into the air, decimating economic, political and cultural activities in Europe and across the world.

This rare photograph of Eyjafjallajökull was buried by the Vatican.

A few days later, the Deepwater Horizon exploded, resulting in the largest marine oil spill in history.

Once again, the Vatican refused to allow this photo to be published.

What can be done to stop beatlemart from stealing your soul, destroying the air in your lungs and the soil beneath your feet, or even worse: re-releasing Let it Be again, is unknown. Please stay tuned for updates and we’ll do our best to advise you how to survive beatlegeddon.

For more information see:

Buy a beatle Album for Christ
I Heal Fine
John Lennon’s Tits
Please Displease Me

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Let it Be, Sailor

Drink and the devil had done for the rest

We never thought anything could be done to make Let it Be listenable. Hailed by critics as a song that, “achieved a popularity well out of proportion to its artistic weight” and that it was “‘Hey Jude’, without the musical and emotional release,” it has haunted the airwaves ever since its unemotional release.

We hate to be negative about anything, and this cover has really changed our minds about this song. In fact, it’s the greatest Let it Be cover since The Long and Winding Roadrunner.

‘Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead
Or a yawing hole in a battered head
And the scuppers’ glut with a rotting red
And there they lay, aye, damn my eyes
Looking up at paradise
All souls bound just contrawise
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

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An Exclusive Interview With the Worlds Biggest beatle Fan

A Fanatically Fab Fan

Welcome to a very special edition of Suck My Beatles. Today we present an interview with two extreme beatle fans who have been kind enough to share their time and collection with the fine folks here at SMB. We first became aware Steve after receiving a few messages from him which stood out from the usual fodder we receive from beatle fans. Steve was not only capable of forming a sentence, he also seemed to possess the ability to think and communicate. Amongst beatle fans, this is very rare.

Beset By Beatles Booty

We knew we were dealing with an extraordinary individual when along with the message, “I hate your website so much I’ve grown to love it.” He also sent us these videos of his collection:

Fab42’s Collection Part One
Fab42’s Collection Part Two

At first we thought it must be some kind of twisted joke, a bleak vision of some newly discovered circle of hell, but Steve and his lovely wife are the real deal. Their collection goes beyond rational thought. It boggles the mind and sets the bar for new FF collectors to aspire to, and for the rest of us to be dumbstruck by.

Without any further ado, we’re proud to present former circus performer and current sideshow beatle freak, Fab42.

The Interview:

SMB: Hi Steve and Beth, thanks for your time and agreeing to be interviewed by SMB. Let’s start with a few preliminary questions. How are you going?

Fab42: Fab…gear.

SMB: How long have you been married?

Fab42: We’ve been together 8 years, married 3.

SMB: Did the beatles bring you two together?

Fab42: No, we actually met on-line! We were both single and just hit it off!

SMB: I understand that you were married by an Elvis impersonator, sorry, Elvis Tribute Artist. Were the beatles impersonators too tacky?

Fab42: Paying one Elvis to marry us was enough….to pay the 4 Beatles….was really out of our price range.

SMB: Roughly, what is your age group?

Fab42: Beth……late 40s. Steve….early 50s….ie…….54….sigh.

SMB: Would you say you love the beatles more than each other, or equally?

Fab42: We love The Beatles. We love each other. We love others. We just love……and that’s all we need!

SMB: If love is all you need, whats with all the stuff?

Fab42: Love IS all you need! “Want”….is a completely different word!
It’s like comparing apples to fish! (There IS a difference ya know!)

 

The devils music

 

SMB: Did your parents listen to the beatles, or did they refuse to allow the devils music in their god-fearing home?

Fab42: No my parents didn’t listen to the Beatles. I grew up listening to country music….gospel……Jim Reeves…..until I got my 1st transistor radio. That’s when the world of music opened up to me via our hometown AM radio station….KMEL.

SMB: Besides the obvious, what were some of the other groups you first heard on your transistor radio?

Fab42: Many. Gerry and the Pacemakers….Freddy and the Dreamers….Little Eva…Frankie Avalon….The Raindrops…..Shirelles….Bobby Vinton….DC5…The Ronettes….Beach Boys….Gary Lewis and the Playboys….Elvis….the list goes on and on and on.

SMB: What would you sacrifice to bring the beatles back?

Fab42: This is a difficult question. The world I live in is so very different and simpler than the ones the Beatles experienced. Also…the Beatles were a moment in time…..a wonderful moment in time…that will never be repeated. You were there to hear and feel it…..or you weren’t. It’s a huge part of my childhood that I get to re-live every day thru my collection…..but the Beatles time…as “The Beatles”…has come and gone. Only the music and memories remain. Would I love to see John and George still here with us? Of course I would….but there is nothing I…or anyone else in this life “has” to sacrifice to achieve such….so I hold on the music and the memories…..dearly.

SMB: Do you remember your first exposure to the beatles? If so, what was the song, and who was the culprit who forced you to listen to it? Do you harbour any resentment towards the guilty party for ruining your life?

Fab42: So to re-phrase your question….you are asking me what was the best day of my life as a child…right? It was watching the Ed Sullivan Show…which featured the Fab 4 that evening. Until then…as I noted earlier…..all I heard was country and gospel. Try listening to that yourself! It’s all fine and good…..but it’s not me. When I saw them….the world changed. It was incredible. It is still incredible….almost 50 years later. I remember talking Beatles for weeks after the Ed Sullivan Show…and my Dad saying….”Leave him be….it’s just a fad”. My Dad was wrong…..way wrong. I remember making guitars out of cardboard with other boys on my block and singing Beatle songs to the neighbors….who in turn…would give us a nickel or dime….and off we would be to the store to buy Beatles picture trading cards with the gum in the pack. I still have a sealed pack in my collection.

SMB: What’s your favourite beatle song/album, and why?

Fab42: Again…a hard question. I love them all….but mostly the earlier ones. That’s where the childhood memories lie. Meet the Beatles….Introducing the Beatles…The Beatles 2nd Album. Favorite song? Nowhere Man. Followed closely by A Day in the Life.

SMB: Do you own every beatle album? How many beatles albums/45’s would you estimate you have?

Fab42: No. I don’t own them all….nor would I want to. I’m not a purist about collecting. I collect what I like. I will not buy something just because it’s there. It has to strike a chord with me….then….I have to have it! How many LPs and 45s do I have? Tons. I would take hours to count them. I have The Beatles…Rutles…songs sang about the Beatles….tributes….comedy recordings of the fabs….Chipmunks sing the Beatles…..Snoopy’s Beatles…the list goes on and on.

SMB: Do you listen to the beatles everyday, or do you also listen to music?

Fab42: I do not listen to The Beatles everyday….but if I hear them on the radio….I sure turn it up!!! I like almost all the 60s British invasion groups. Music was fun then….and it’s still fun today! I guess I’m sorta “stuck in the 60s” and loving it.

 

Brainwashing and Indigestion

 

SMB: Are you aware of brainwashing techniques incorporating constant repetition which are not only capable of blocking out creative thought, but can also join limited thoughts with pleasurable emotions so that they are mentally linked together?

Fab42: Sure! Watch ANY commercial on TV!! It’s all there! From beer to cars to fast food to insurance to clothes to over the counter drugs to Rx drugs. The list goes on and on. It’s how corporate America has always shook the change out of our pockets! Silly jingles are another way. “Plop plop fizz fizz…oh what a relief it is” “I’d like to teach the world to sing…in perfect harmony” sold alot of Coca-Cola no?
Or the handsome cowboy telling us to “Come to where the flavor is…..come to Marlboro country”. Its endless.

SMB: I agree with you completely. Do you find any similarity with the way corporate America sells Pepto Bismol, and the way beatlemart sells, well…everything? Do you agree with the use of John Lennnon’s image to sell Citroën Cars? Or beatle songs to sell diapers?
Do you think it’s a positive thing to keep the music and memory of the beatles alive, or is it all about the money?

Fab42: I do NOT agree with the powers of Beatlemart…..or any other mart…as it were. Anytime something magic happens that captures the eyes and ears…and even the hearts of people…..there will be someone to try to cash in on it. But…it’s nothing new. How many items has Jesus sold this week? Elvis? It will sadly always be so….but it is also out of my circle of concern….so I pay it no mind.

 

Magical Mystery Hemorrhoids

 

SMB: Would you rather a teenager hear the beatles for the first time because of a hemorrhoid commercial, or not hear them at all?

Fab42:I would rather they hear it in ANY form…than not….and then hope they had the common sense to see thru the bullshit….which I grant you…is deep.

SMB: Is there anything you listen to besides the beatles?

Fab42: You betcha!!! I love many types of music….but I have to “like it”…not just buy it because so and so sang it. I have a huge library of music…from Sinatra to The Royal Guardsmen…and that covers some area!

SMB: How many beatles movies do you own?

Fab42: All of them……at least all I know about!

SMB: Do you agree with the statement, ‘Yellow Submarine consists of an aimless plot revolving around music written to torture children while assaulting the viewer with spastic, gaudy animation” source

Fab42: Of course not. Yellow sub was a children’s song…..that was featured in a 60s psychedelic cartoon starring the Beatles. It was “the culture of the era”…the cartoon itself…a time gone by….and a classic.

SMB: Do you choose your friends by their commitment to the fab four?

Fab42: No. Not everyone likes everything I do….and I don’t mind what they like or don’t…..it’s out of my circle of concern. Here however….we are Beatlefans!

SMB: How many beatles collectibles do you own?

Fab42: Hundreds and hundreds plus 3.

SMB: How long did it take to amass this collection and what would you estimate is it worth?

Fab42: I started it in about 1964. I went thru some hard times at one point where I had to sell some of it to get by….but I eventually got it all back…and more…and more….and more! What it’s worth really doesn’t concern me as it will never be for sale…unless to improve upon it…the collection… or buy something else I feel I need! See the next question for a better understanding! If liquidated all one has is cash in hand. I have my childhood here with me…and that is priceless.

SMB: What is the first collectible you owned?

Fab42: Beatles gum cards from money acquired from singing to the neighbors!

A sidenote…..about 10 years ago I wanted a hotrod car….the one you see sitting in my garage in my youtube video. I didn’t have the money to buy such an item…so I traded a Beatles first state stereo yesterday and today butcher cover for it….the car. One lp bought the car. So collecting Beatles….as well as other Rock and Roll memrobilia has its up sides too!

SMB: That’s incredible. Can you tell me a little bit about the hotrod?

Fab42: The car is a 1923 Ford T-bucket Roadster…..with a 68 6 cylinder engine. If you want a cushioned ride….stay the hell away from it…..but if ya wanna have a great time….HOLD ON…and away we go! It’s a glorified toy for big boys….nothing more……Vrrooooom!

SMB: What’s your favourite piece from the collection?

Fab42: I have 2 favorites. My Beatles record player…and my 1967 Williams BEAT TIME Beatles pinball machine! They both are in the youtube video as well.

 

Mothballs and Buttplugs

 

SMB: Is there anything beatle related that you would not want in your collection, such as beatle moth balls? What about a beatle butt plug?

Fab42: I already have 2 complete un-opened sets of Beatles mothballs with backing card attached! Would I like to have the Beatles buttplugs? DAMN STRAIGHT I WOULD! I’d love it!!! Not many collectors could say they had those eh? But I would like the advertising card to go with them for display!!! Hey…if ya can’t laugh at yourself…..you sure shouldn’t laugh at others! So tell me….do you have a set for sale??? Snicker.

SMB: Unfortunately we’ve been unable to find anybody willing to manufacture them. The whole process has been a gigantic pain in the ass. Do you feel as though they missed out on a huge opportunity for beatles pesticides and cleaning products?

Fab42: Oh Im sure something along those lines is in the works somewhere…..sigh.
Money is ALWAYS the bottom line.

SMB: Do you feel the beatles have been a positive influence on your life?
Fab42: Without a doubt. My 2 girls…who are grown…are huge fans. Beth is a huge fan…as well as her girls. My Mom and Sisters and Brother as well. It’s the Beatles! How can you go wrong?

SMB: What is your opinion of albums like Beatle Lullabyes, and Rockabye Baby? Would you play them for your children if they were at that age?

Fab42: We already have Beatles for Babies to play for our little grandkids! If you listen to songs of today…not all mind you…but some…..are mean…violent…sexist crap. I soooo believe that listening to pretty songs….fun songs….is a wonderful way to initiate children to music. If in time…they find other music they like…so be it! But at least they got to hear both sides of the rainbow…..the final choice…is theirs.

SMB: Do you feel it’s fair to indoctrinate helpless infants with this music, robbing them of the chance to form their own opinions regarding music?

Fab42: Yes…it’s perfect. It robs them of nothing. Nothing ventured…nothing gained!

SMB: Have you ever considered that you might not be a beatle collector but a beatle hoarder, like those people on television? Would you consider undergoing treatment?

Fab42: You ask that like it’s a bad thing! So far I’m just a collector….but a Beatle hoarder is a goal within my sites! Reach for the stars! Treatment? I’m treated everyday! Every time I look at the collection…..it’s a treat! Every time.

SMB: Do you have a favorite beatle?

Fab42: Yes. John Lennon. To my dying day….my hero.

SMB: How many times have you seen the beatles or former beatles in concert?

Fab42:Never. Only on tape or TV. I’ve seen Paul McCartney live…[THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE]…..and briefly talked to Ringo during one of his All Star Shows when he pointed out that we were wearing I Love Ringo pins from the 1960s. We were in the front row…and he noticed them! It was fun.

SMB: I noticed that you’ve decorated your kitchen with images of the beatles, including a Yellow Submarine on the floor. Does this interfere with digestion?

Fab42: So far it has had no effect on me….but a few too many beers can sure play hell with my stomach! Still…..I give it the ol’ college try!

SMB: Do you play any of these instruments?

Fab42: Yes. The guitar. Do I play it well? No. I can’t sing either….but I do it anyway!
“Sing. Sing a song. Let the world sing along. Dont worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing. Sing a song” The Carpenters

SMB: Does having a beatle ceiling fan make you feel cool, or does it create a sense of swirling dread in the air?

Fab42: When it’s hot outside…it makes me feel mega-cool. Just this side of Studly!

SMB: Do you prefer beatle ketchup over other kinds of ketchup?

Beatles Ketchup is wayyyy better! I’ve compared it against Yellow matter custard….and there is just no contest.

SMB: What is your favourite beatle cereal?

Fab42: Wheat and Rice Honeys of course! Isn’t it everyone’s favorite?

 

Dismembered beatle heads

 

SMB: You seem to own a disproportionate number of dismembered beatle heads, what did you do with the rest of the bodies? DO you have a hidden collection of beatle arms and legs?

Fab42: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds it might incriminate me. Unless you have 8X10 glossies….you can prove nothing! Nothing I tells ya!

SMB: Do you think the beatles could have beaten Elvis in a fistfight? Did any of the beatles study martial arts?
Fab42: Of course! Four against one? Easy math! As for part 2 of the question…It’s lost to history.

SMB: How many copies of the Butcher Album do you own?

Fab42: 4 first states….2 trunk cover 2nd states.

SMB: Do you think you’ve rebelled against the beatles by actually managing to buy love?

Fab42: Never pay for what’s already free. Sex included.

SMB: I noticed you also have beatle light switch covers. Is this so you can turn the beatles on?

Fab42: Uhhhh…yes? I guess I never looked at it that way!

SMB: Mickey Dolenz was a big influence on the beatles, how has he affected your lives and why don’t you have any monkees paraphernalia?

Fab42: “Step into my parlour…said the spider to the fly”………..
Who said I didn’t? I have a TON of Monkees things! An entire collection….akin to the Beatleroom! I even have a 1988 stretch MONKEES limousine! [see enclosed pic!] But your website is “Suck my Beatles” no? When you own “Suck my Monkees”….we will talk! My house is a museum. The rooms are as follows….each room a different theme…
Beatleroom
Elvis room
Monkees room
Jan and Dean room
Ufos and Aliens room…..[ their real ya know....]
Nascar room
Tattoo parlour
Circus room….[I was once a catcher on the flying trapeze....no joke]
And the GARAGE TAVERN!!!

SMB: What is your favourite beatle hair product? Do you prefer spray or the pomade? Do you think the beatles have significantly contributed to global warming with their aerosol products?

Fab42: Well…since all my hair fell out…from using inferior products to those the Beatles endorsed….I really don’t buy them anymore. Maybe if they come out with Beatle toupees? As for contributing to global warming…..I sure hope so…cause its damn cold here!

SMB: I noticed you have beatles Rock band. Do you get extra points for looking cute while singing?
Fab42: 10 points for looking cute. Looking cute AND carrying a tune…..gets you into the bonus round! I haven’t made it yet….but never say die!

SMB: Are you offended that Jones Soda made the beatle flavour ‘Bubble Gum,’ or do you think a revolution soda might have tasted a little too salty?

Fab42: I think your thinking of John Lemon soda. It’s the salty one.
The others are good though! Paul Mc Icetea…..Mango Starr and my personal favorite…Orange Harrison!

SMB: There seems to be a lot of beatle candy products. Do you think this was done purposely do cater to their target audience, or just a coincidence? What would be a more macho beatle product?

Fab42: As John Lennon said…..”Money….that’s what I want” Who doesn’t? Would you turn it down to stand on principal? Me thinks not. I already have Beatle beer….and in my book…that’s as manly as it gets! Refreshing too!!

 

beatle Zombies and Cannibalism

 

SMB: I noticed that your a fan of Zombeatles. If the beatles came back as zombies, do you think people would flock to be eaten by them, or would they be more docile and peace loving zombies willingly led around by the collar like in the film Fido?

Fab42: “A flocking they would go…a flocking they would go….heigh ho the dairy-O…a flocking they would go” “Braaaaaaains”………

SMB: Do you feel the beatle marionettes symbolize how the FF became puppets of a corporate empire who dictated their decisions and forced them dance in order to fatten their already bulging wallets?

Fab42: Not at all! Everyone knows the Beatles loved Howdy Doody…it’s just their homage to him! “What time is it boys and girls?”

SMB: What do Sunny and Shadey think of your collection?

Fab42: The back of the Jones soda bottles reads…..”Beatleroom brought to you by Sunny and Shady….Shih tzu Beatle fans” It really does! If you look close….they are sitting at the table on the label!

SMB: I must admit your garage is pretty cool. I feel a sense of tension between the Elvis and beatles items. Are you ever afraid you might be unleashing powers beyond your control?

Fab42: Fear is for sissys. Battle of the Rock Stars! Bring it on!

SMB: Did you buy every beatle slot machine ever manufactured?

Fab42: No….I only have 2….so far. Give a guy a chance! I’ve only been collecting 46 years! I’ll get there! Sheeeesh.

SMB: DO you feel any kinship towards John MacLennon, and do you think you might ever consider doing the same with your home?

Fab42: You seem to present this collectors story like it’s a bad thing? I don’t get it. Seems perfectly normal to me! Now please pass the BRAAAAINS!
You mean selling tickets for admittance? Never. This is our home…..we just have more fun than most folks is all!

SMB: All in all, I’m in awe of your collection. Overwhelmed, impressed, and scared. Upon first glance your home is reminiscent of Silence of the Lambs. Do you have a beatle dungeon, or do you simply torture guests with the entire house?

Fab42: I think you stated what we do quite eloquently in your question!
Good job!!

SMB: Thanks very much for taking the time to do this interview and show us your home. Your time is greatly appreciated. In closing, are there any closing remarks you’d like to add?

Fab42: The Beatles.
A magical time that will never be repeated….nor should it be.
A moment in time. A wonderful moment in time.
Thanks for the interview….it was a blast!
Steve and Beth…..Sunny and Shady.
Beatles fans

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Waiting for the Citroën Van to Come

John Lennon’s selling power has yet to be exhausted.

The use of John Lennon’s words and image to promote a crappy French car has sparked horror and outrage amongst not just beatle fans but also the advertising community at large, who are shocked they didn’t think of it first. Adfreak call the ad “a blatant cash grab by Yoko Ono, completely unlike our beatles ad which is high art”.
Fans have called for a boycott of Citroën vehicles, especially since the new design is completely different than the original Fab Wagon which was approved by beatlemart in 2007.

On the corner is a banker with a motor car

Sean Lennon was quick to defend the use of the image, explaining, “It’s just hard to find new ways to keep dad in the new world….No new LPs, so TV ad is exposure to young.”

This is a perfectly understandable position, it’s been weeks since they’ve released a new Lennon movie, over a month since beatlemart re-released the entire fab four catalog and launched beatles Rock Band, days since the newest biographies have hit the shelves, hours since the latest John Lennon Festival has been announced, minutes since the last John Lennon LP or 45 has been re-released on vinyl (ironically it’s being released beside The Great Rock’n'Roll Swindle), and several excruciatingly long seconds since the last TV show about the life and/or music of this soon to be forgotten soul.

The opportunity to hear his music without tracking down incredibly rare and hard to find tracks has dwindled to a near impossibility.

View for yourself the few remaining slivers of the rapidly vanishing Lennon legacy. Over the past few months the use of his music in films and television shows alone has dwindled down to a fraction of what it once was:

“Glee” (2 episodes, 2009-2010)
– Hell-O (2010) TV episode (writer: “Hello Goodbye” (uncredited))
– Hairography (2009) TV episode (“Imagine” (uncredited))

“Volver con…” (1 episode, 2010)
– Episode 1.10 (2010) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”) (performer: “Imagine”)
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards (2010) (TV) (writer: “In My Life” (uncredited))
… aka “2010 Academy Awards” – USA (informal short title)
… aka “The 2010 Oscars” – USA (informal short title)
… aka “The Oscars” – USA (informal short title)

“20 to 1″ (2 episodes, 2006-2010)
– Adults Only 20 to 1: Movie Monsters (2010) TV episode (“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” (uncredited))
– Greatest Songs of All Time (2006) TV episode (performer: “Imagine”) (“Hey Jude”, “Imagine”)
“Live from Studio Five” (2 episodes, 2009-2010)
– Episode 1.111 (2010) TV episode (writer: “A Little Help from My Friends”)
– Episode 1.64 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”) (performer: “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”)
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” (1 episode, 2010)
– Episode 1.179 (2010) TV episode (writer: “With a Little Help from My Friends”)

“The Amazing Race” (1 episode, 2009)
… aka “The Amazing Race 13″ – USA (thirteenth season title (promotional title))
… aka “The Amazing Race: All-Stars” – USA (eleventh season title (promotional title))
… aka “The Amazing Race: Family Edition” – USA (eighth season title)
– Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound! (2009) TV episode (writer: “Help!” (uncredited))

“50 años de” (3 episodes, 2009)
– Calle (2009) TV episode (writer: “Hey Jude”, “Let It Be”)
– Una periodista de a pie (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”) (performer: “Imagine”)
– Vacaciones de verano (2009) TV episode (writer: “All My Loving”)

“FlashForward” (2 episodes, 2009)
– A561984 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” (uncredited)) (performer: “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” (uncredited))

– Scary Monsters and Super Creeps (2009) TV episode (writer: “Across the Universe” (uncredited))

“The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” (2 episodes, 2009)
– Episode 1.64 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”)
– Episode 1.61 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Birthday” (uncredited))
The Beatles on Record (2009) (TV) (writer: “I Am the Walrus”, “She Loves You”, “A Hard Day’s Night”, “Let It Be”) (“Ticket to Ride”)

Der Mann auf der Brücke (2009) (TV) (writer: “I am the walrus”)

“Dancing with the Stars” (2 episodes, 2009)
– Episode 9.5 (2009) TV episode (“Norwegian Wood” (uncredited))
– Episode 9.4 (2009) TV episode (“Can’t Buy Me Love” (uncredited))

Funny People (2009) (writer: “Real Love”) (performer: “Watching the Wheels”)

“So You Think You Can Dance” (1 episode, 2009)
… aka “S.Y.T.Y.C.D.” – USA (alternative title)
… aka “American Dance Idol” – Japan (English title)
– Two of 14 Voted Off (2009) TV episode (writer: “Blackbird”)

“Memòries de la tele” (2 episodes, 2007-2009)
– Episode 3.30 (2009) TV episode (writer: “Imagine”)
– Episode 1.10 (2007) TV episode (writer: “With a Little Help from My Friends”, “Yesterday”)
53 premis Sant Jordi de cinematografia (2009) (TV) (writer: “She Loves You”, “All My Loving”)
“Banda sonora” (11 episodes, 2007-2009)
– Episode 5.4 (2009) TV episode (writer: “A Hard Day’s Night”)
– Episode 4.10 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Martha My Dear”)
– Episode 4.9 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Michelle”)
– Episode 3.13 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Get Back”)
– Episode 3.10 (2008) TV episode (writer: “Got to Get You Into My Life”)
(6 more)
Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009) (writer: “We Can Work It Out”)

It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad

And whats worse, it’s been nearly three months since Lennon was last used in a commercial. What we find truly appalling is the fact that the Citroën ad has doctored the original Lennon interview, replacing the audio with a voice over by a Lennon impersonator. Fortunately, we have the original audio, and have taken pains to repair the damage.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Reason #471 – John MacLennon and Liverpool Two

We wish this was a joke. We really do.

Fab four fanatic transforms North Carolina home into Beatle shrine

Wed Jan 6, 2008, 3:31 PM
By Jacob Winston Clemens
The Associated Press

RALEIGH, NC. – John MacLeon, a man who affectionately refers to himself as ‘MacLennon,’ is a habitually caffeinated Beatle fanatic who is taking care of business eight days a week at the antebellum home he calls “Liverpool Two.”

Knock on the door anytime. It’s OK to arrive at 4 in the morning, and the 75-year-old former dancer will escort you through his disconcerting, floor-to-ceiling collection of photos, records, figurines, cardboard cutouts, candy wrappers, clocks, lunchboxes and other random kitsch featuring the Mop Tops.

“I’d kill myself right now if it would bring them back,” MacLeon says in his odd Southern US meets Liverpool hybrid drawl, greying hair trimmed with a bowl, in the style of the early 60’s.

MacLeon says he rarely leaves Liverpool Two, rarely sleeps, and is powered by up to 24 cans of Beatle Cola a day (Beatle Cola was a short-lived Coca Cola product that MacLeon bought by the case in 1984 and has been drinking ever since). “When I run out I’ll just start on another Beatle drink, there’s Beatle Heinekin, Beatle Gatorade, Beatle Punch, and Beatle Pale Ale. I do happen to like the soda though.”
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Yellow Suckmarine

What’s short, goofy, and full of semen?

Robert Zemekis has announced plans to resurrect the botched abortion known as Yellow Submarine, promising a brand new, computer animated 3D eyesore. If you remember, after the abominable movie HELP! was unleashed on the public, it was followed by the putrid Magical Mystery Tour, which received incredibly warm reviews, such as this one by the Guardian:

“a kind of fantasy morality play about the grossness and warmth and stupidity of the audience”.

The beatles themselves wanted no part in creating another disastrous cinematic offense. The idea of being involved with this lame new project sounded even less appealing to them than their music does to a normal human being. Unfortunately for all of us, United Artists still had the Fab ones firmly by their pink submarines, and ultimately they had little choice but to step aside and allow another brightly coloured turd to be dropped into the septic tank of beatlemania.

The resulting film was an aimless plot revolving around music written to torture children while assaulting you with spastic, gaudy animation. It has since captured the hearts and minds(?) of deluded fans across the globe…what a surprise.

Due to the bewildering success of the beatles Rock Band game, beatlemart has decided to up the ante again. No longer satisfied with merely repackaging and re-releasing the same albums and DVDs three to four times a year while merchandising their likeness on everything from bath toys to geriatric diapers, they’ve decided to not only dig up and re-release this abysmal celluloid black hole but to remake it as a capture animation Disney movie.

The fans are up in arms; disgusted and appalled that anyone would dare to mess with this masterpiece. They are sure to voice their complaints by lining up overnight for tickets, which will be viciously torn in half…by the ticket taker. The stubs will be violently… sealed in plastic and stored haphazardly beside collectibles which hold the lowest place of honour in their MopTop shrines, the Ringo Starr toilet brush and the McCartney radium based wart remover.

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When the Beatles roamed the earth

A History Channel Documentary

1000 years ago today, the Beatles roamed the earth.

This video is not meant to be a joke, but a warning. The beatle-blind masses have already begun re-writing history to deify not only the music and lives of the Fab Four, but every fuzzy dinky drizzle of banality as well. Each doodle and every shopping list ever jotted down by a Moptop is in the process of being bronzed, framed or sold on the black market to mongoloid billionaires and helpless, brainwashed addicts.

Click here to watch the horror unfold: A History Channel Documentary from the Future: Beatles 3000

Enjoy!
Thanks to our friend Bobby for the link.

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Reason #982-Ship of Fools

Pictures yourself in a boat on the ocean, with a ship full of freaks wearing John Lennon ties.

A beatle tribute cruise is preparing to set sail. The week long nautical nightmare leaves from Ft. Lauderdale Florida in March, sails the western Caribbean, visiting Belize, Costa Maya and Cozumel. This could have been a beautiful trip, but for some reason they’ve decided to turn this pleasure cruise into a floating insane asylum. We fear for the sanity of any pirates foolhardy enough to board this craft in search of booty, the best they could hope for is a handful of novelty can openers and a sharp blade to remove their ears before madness sets in.

If you’re wondering how anybody could be masochistic enough to not only to subject themselves to a bizarre and degrading form of torture, but also to pay $1200 per person (plus $297 for tickets to the special beatle events), you must not be familiar with the average beatle fan. Highlights of the ‘beatle cruise’ include some very impressive specials guests: three beatle photographers, two beatle authors, a beatle painter, a guy who does something called ‘beatle brunch’ and a tribute band.

We could go on to further discuss the atrocities which will no doubt begin moments after the vessel enters international waters, but instead we’d like to leave you with an actual quote from the official Beatles Tribute Cruise website. These words say more than a thousand pictures. Remember, this is meant to encourage you to go on the cruise, not to make your eyeballs bleed or your brain shudder.

Do you want to know a secret? Your mother should know you won’t see me because I’ll get back to follow the sun after I’m back in the USSR because Doctor Robert’s fixing a hole where the rain gets in. So hold me tight. With a little help from my friends I’ll call your name because I want to tell you this boy should have known better if I fell for Penny Lane on a magical mystery tour. Thank you girl, I hope we can work it out when I’m 64.
Your friend,
I am..
The Walrus
P.S. I Love You.

If this doesn’t convince you to make reservations today don’t put away that credit card, there’s also a Rick Springfield cruise and an Elvis Cruise. Hopefully there’s also be a Heaven’s Gate cruise in the works for all those who can’t get tickets in time.

For more info:

http://www.beatlestributecruise.com/index.html

http://www.tbnweekly.com/editorial/local_entertainment/concerts/content_articles/122209_leconcert-03.txt

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Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009

Seasons Greetings Friends,

The holiday season is once again just around the corner, and in view of these tough economic times we’ve decided to do our part to help save Christmas. Forget about taking out a line of credit to buy $8 Hallmark cards for your family and friends. Show them you care and give them something they really want and need this year. That’s right, impress all the guys down at the soup kitchen! Breathe life into the senseless existence of your pals in the unemployment line! Be the man every woman loves and the woman every man wants to be!

This can only mean its time for SMB’s overwhelming popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza. Voted Best Free Anti-beatle Christmas Cards of 2008 (by us). Your Dog will thank you for it! Finger Lickin’ Good! Plop Plop Fizz Fizz! 100% satisfaction guaranteed or double your money back.

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of these incredible cards, just right-click and save this handy file: Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009
Right Click and ‘Save As’

These cards are formatted to print out at the traditional 5×7 size. Print it on a sheet of paper and cut, or for a professional look get some Blank Greeting Cards and Envelopes and go to town.

For More Free Beatles Christmas Cards:

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2007

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Reason #21 – Sgt Peppers is a Load of Crap

In 1967 The beatles released Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. It was instantly hailed as a musical milestone. We have no choice but to agree. Just as the Edsel was a milestone for cars, Betamax was a milestone for home video, Enron was a milestone for corporate investment and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was a milestone for video games, so was Sgt Peppers a milestone for music. Unfortunately for us, the beatles didn’t have the foresight to crush and bury this disaster in a New Mexico landfill like the creators of ET did with their abomination.
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The President of Canada is a huge pianist?

Beatlemart strikes again.

It’s sad to see a once proud nation driven into the ground at the hands of a deranged leader.

The Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper last year cut $45 million in arts funding. His freakish appearance at Ottawa’s National Arts Centre has given horrified Canadians a preview of what the country has to look forward to as a result. Read the rest of this entry »

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Suck My Beatles on the BBC

Suck My Beatles would like to thank Stephen Robb of the BBC for not only risking his reputation and career, but everything he holds dear by daring to give a voice to the usurpers of beatlemart and the unrequited masses. To all those who have suffered alone in the void,  hoping against hope for a sign that there were others like you, raise your glasses and thank Mr. Robb for igniting a match to help illuminate this fart in the darkness.

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Reason #7005 Update

After months of outrage, panic, and disillusionment we’ve finally managed to track down and relink the missing videos and sound clips on the world renown article ‘Reason #7005 – Flabby Soul.’ We hope this will bring some measure of comfort to our adoring public.

Please visit, and enjoy responsibly:
Reason #7005 Flabby Soul

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Beatles cover band destroys town

Breaking news!

Sometime last year an unknown ‘the beatles’ cover band descended upon a small town in southern Ontario, Canada. The horrific events were captured by the local news station, but seconds before the devastation could be broadcast, the station was demolished, survivors were burned to death.

All taped evidence was quickly disposed of by beatlemart. The town of Liverpool, Ontario, does not even exist on maps anymore. This is one of the worst cases of beaticide on record, yet until now it has gone unnoticed.

Somehow this tape has survived and managed reach us. Please view responsibly, and remember our fallen comrades.
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Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand!

Suck My Beatles is honored to present an article from the world renowned artist, author and all around creative and happening guy Danny Gregory. Aside from sharing our views on the FF, Danny is also gifted with the unique ability to talk good and stuff.

Without any further ado:

by Danny Gregory

London calling, now don’t look at us,
All that phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust.
London calling, see we ain’t got no swing,
‘Cept for the ring of that truncheon thing…

This will be an admittedly biased and flawed meditation. I know that Patti for one will disagree with me right off the bat but here goes:
I fucking hate the Beatles. I have for many years. Read the rest of this entry »

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Reason #263- Perspectives

One of the main goals of this site has been to put the music of the beatles into perspective. We wish to staunch the flow of blood from the eyes of St. John’s statue, to bring St. Paul down from the mount. It worries us when we overhear people in the street saying things like, “I bear on my body the stígmata of the moptops.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Reason # 523 – Tina Turner and Cher

Help me if you can, I’m feeling nauseous.

I’m unsure where, or why. All I know for sure is that in 1975 Cher teamed up with Tina Turner and what seems to be a young Dame Edna to produce a nightmarish rainbow clad beatle medley monstrosity, guaranteed to scar and terrify the entire family.

Warning – Don’t Watch! Read the rest of this entry »

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Previously Unreleased Beatle Song Re-Unreleased

A new version of the song Revolution was recently unearthed, released, and instantly recalled again by the fine folks at beatlemart.

This version, aka: take 20, is thought to be the missing link which bridges the gap between Revolution 1, and Revolution 9. Revolution 2-8 is a full seven minutes longer than the unlistenable version on the White Album, and is considered to be the holy grail. (of versions of Revolution?)

Try not to confuse it with any other fab four ‘the holy grails’ like circus of light, which assuredly would have sent Indiana Jones into early retirement had the Nazis forced him to listen to it.

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Fan Mail #5 – All you need is Love

Revolution, Evolution, Masturbation, Flagellation, Regulation, Integrations, mediations, United Nations, congratulations.

What is beatlemart putting in the water these days? Believe it or not, we’re going to give beatlefans the benefit of the doubt and assume the following messages are from outcasts, the Mansons and Chapmans of the community, and not the average fan. Please don’t prove us wrong!

This message comes to us from a 14yr old boy from Idaho:

Subject: assholes

you damn douches need to just go into a dark ally get jumped by 50,000 beaners and then get raped by a fucking hobo because what u assholes are saying about the beatles is 100% immorally wrong you fucking queers.
LONG LIVE THE BEATLES!!!!!!!

It seems some beatle fans are not only musical fascists lacking a sense of humor, but also bigots, homophobes, racists, and oblivious to irony. If that email offended you, please stop reading right now and look at this happy elephant, cuz it gets a lot worse.

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Sgt Peppers Lonely Bumba Band

In 1976, Bob Marley was scheduled to play a free concert in Kingston, called Smile Jamaica. He received death threats warning him not to play this highly political event. In the weeks leading up to the concert his home was placed under 24 hour guard.

Two days before the concert a carload of gunmen burst through the conveniently unguarded gates, shot Marley’s wife Rita in the head and shot his manager Don Taylor several times. Miraculously, Marley was only grazed in the arm and chest. He played the gig anyway. Immediately afterward fled his home, spending 14 months in exile.

Also in 1976: The beatles turned down 230 million dollars to play a charity event, and Oblidi Oblida was released as a single.
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Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008

Howdy Friends,

The holiday season is looming just around the corner, and once again we’re here to help. Put away that wallet! Get ready to wow your loved ones and impress your co-workers! Be the life of the party! Impress your brother-in-law who plays in a world renowned beatles tribute band! Steal the heart of that girl who you pretend to like the beatles for! Earn the respect of your enemies and make new friends! Be the man every woman loves and the woman every man wants to be!

Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of last years extravaganza, its time for the second annual installment of SMB’s Free Christmas Cards! New and improved, extra strength, doctor recommended, 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Need more Calgon? The wait is over! Sample something new, or stick with the tried and true.

To download printer-friendly, full sized versions of these incredible cards, just right-click and save this handy little file:
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Reason # 517 – The Beatles Carnival of Light is Incredible.

Apologies to all of our colleagues, fans and supporters.
We’re eating crow.
The new beatles epic ‘Carnival of Light’ is probably the greatest piece of music ever written.

If you haven’t heard, this is a 14 minute improvised track recorded in 1967. Immediately after it was recorded, it was buried. Many thought the song nothing more than a myth. The FF thought it too adventurous. It would hurt record sales. Whats worse, is it would offend their fans – the screaming pre-teens who spent their allowances on each new single. If this happened, they could snap out of their brainwashed stupor and buy Play-doh, mood rings or Slinkeys. There would be no more tea with the Queen.

Paul is convinced that this composition will show the world that they were much more avant-garde than given credit for. More than purveyors of a musical black hole, which we gave them credit for. “I said all I want you to do is just wander around all the stuff, bang it, shout, play it, it doesn’t need to make any sense,” said McCartney of the sessions. “I like it because it’s The Beatles free, going off piste.” (for those who don’t know this expression, it refers to skiing on an un-groomed slope. Quite adventurous!)

The other beatles were equally as excited about this piece and found it hard to contain their enthusiasm, years later they still marveled at its brilliance. When assembling the tracks for Anthology, McCartney wanted to include “Carnival of Light,” but said the other two Beatles thought it was “rubbish.”

Sir George Martin who oversaw the track has described it as ‘one of those weird things. “This is ridiculous. We’ve got to get our teeth into something a little more constructive,” Martin told Geoff Emerick during the recording session.

George Harrison dismissed it, saying “avant-garde a clue“. Twenty years later, when reminded of the sounds on the tape and asked whether he could recall recording it, he replied “No, and it sounds like I don’t want to either!”

Ringo was too busy threatening fans with autographed memorabilia to comment.

Beatles fans came close to hearing ‘Carnival Of Light’ in 1996 when it was considered for inclusion in the exhaustive Anthology compilation. “I said it would be great to put this on because it would show we were working with really avant-garde stuff … But it was vetoed.” Reminisced McCartney. “The guys didn’t like the idea, like “this is rubbish.”

Unfortunately for the world this track will never officially see the light of day. At least not until beatlemart needs a new winter home in Puerta Plata. To be released McCartney needs the blessing of Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono and George Harrison’s widow Olivia.

Thankfully we have a copy, and our lucky readers are for a treat.
Here, for the first time ever, is the first three minutes of Carnival of Light. To prepare yourself, please constrain your excitement and remember: this is serious music, not some go-go boots giggle-a-thon.
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Reason #34 – You Always Give Me Your Money

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…
When you thought beatlemart couldn’t get anymore blatant…
Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly write about beatlemart again…

Bloomingdale’s is offering a first-ever designer assortment of apparel and accessories, inspired by the music of the beatles. And just in time for Halloween!
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Reason #387 – I Hate the beatles

This is an original song inspired by the music of the FF. It’s a perfect tribute which takes the skiffled, nursery rhyme pop songs that toddlers can sing along to…and makes it better.
It was performed live on the Dean Martin Show in 1965 with Allan Sherman and Vic Damone. Free from Jerry Lewis, Martin first integrated Las Vegas with the Rat Pack before deciding it was time to croon it like it is, denouncing the beatles in their heydey for the weasels they were.
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Reason # 510 – Ringo is busy…being delusional

Please, everyone, stop sending Ringo fan mail. The man is very busy with his…well, thats irrelevant. Lets just say Ringo hates you. So please, just leave the man alone. Continue to buy his merchandise, but leave him in peace with your money.

Incidentally, it makes you wonder what’s worse – sending fan mail to the drummer of a pop band that broke up nearly forty years ago, sending fan mail to Ringo Starr in 2008, or Ringo actually answering it?
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Reason #497 – You say you want a Financial Revolution?

“Groups like The Beatles were basically capitalists interested in enriching themselves through the music industry. They did about as much to represent the interests of the nation’s young people as The Spice Girls did in the 1990s.”

Tabloids and gossip aside, its a rare occurrence when any news source prints even a partial truth about the FF. Anything less than blind praise is frowned upon. Complete, unconditional moptop worship is preferred. To say something negative about the beatles music in the press is a clever way of asking for your walking papers, along with a guarantee that you’ll never write for money again in this lifetime, at least not for any creditable organization.
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Reason # 313 – Genius is Pain! The Magical Misery Tour

Normally, the butt-nuggets dropped in the Inspired Lunacy category are the worst (…best?) examples of beatle inspired offenses that we can find. This clip is an exception.
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Reason # 846 – Texans rejoice as McCartney’s face smashed in

Hats off to the Lone Star State!

For over a year brave Texans were forced to suffer under the terrible shadow of the FF regime (details here). Now, finally, one of the darkest chapters in Texas history can be closed.

It began innocently enough, MopTop saturation was little more than an irritation. A pimple on the ass of a thriving music scene. Slowly it began to grow more pervasive, trickling into their culture like hazardous waste seeping from a landfill. Soon it was tainting and watering down vital and innovative music, driving a stake through the heart of the community. Finally, the oppressive beatlemart went too far and decided it was time to destroy and defile the beautiful Texan landscape, completely wiping out any semblance of original or independent thought in the fine people who reside there. Four colossal idols were erected. A testament to the reign of fanatical nostalgia. They towered over the land, shadows spreading fear and bad music across the state.

Angry Texans had reached their breaking point. Annoying honest citizens with limp-wristed musical soda pop is one thing, but to take away freedom, country, and music – beatlemart messed with the wrong people this time. Battle-cries of ‘Remember the Alamo’ rallied citizens and the battle of Summer Street (next to the Target) began and ended in less than 8 minutes, securing Texas independence from FF fascism. The toppled statue of McCartney sent a clear message to the rodents at beatlemart, hopefully one that will deter similar ventures not only in the US, but thoughout the world – Don’t Tread On Us.

Unfortunately there is no footage of the battle, but we suspect it looked something like this:

Click for full sized image

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An honest portrayal of the beatles.

Leave it to the brilliant mind of John C. Reilly to have the guts to finally portray the FF honestly in film. Jack Black channels his role as the hideous Paul McCartney so ferociously that in a perfect world he would have been shortlisted for an Oscar. Unfortunately this fearless film refuses to cower and toe the beatlemart line, and as a result its been ignored and browbeaten into the delete bin by troglodyte fans of theFF.
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Reason # 949 – The Beatles virus

A sinister genius recently launched an email virus targeting the beatle-blind masses. Witless fans would look in their inboxes and find their dreams had come true, a message entitled The Beatles – Back Together Again. Drooling and delirious, they would hysterically click the link provided and be re-directed to a site which installed malware on their PCs. The next time they plugged in their credit card information to pre-order the latest remix of Let It Be, their info would be compromised.

Swindling beatle fans is nothing new, but as hilarious as this new scam is, its still frowned upon by the the fine upstanding folks here at SMB. Seriously, how difficult is it to take money from a beatle fan? A more fitting virus would delete FF songs, videos, bookmarks, and homemade fan fiction.

The all encompassing beatlemart operates exactly like a virus. Its a Trojan horse injected into the mainstream which attacks the unsuspecting recipients brain and wallet in the same way the flu or H.I.V. sneak in and spread through the human body. A virus is a basically a sticky protein shell containing genetic material that latches onto a healthy cell, injects it, and battles for control. If it wins, it permanently alters the way the cell operates and reproduces. A powerful virus can transform defeated cells into a virus replication assembly line, spreading the infection as far as possible. In the case of the beatles, their sticky-sweet cuteness is the container. The effects are comparable to the Herpes simplex virus, which runs the gamut from the occasional minor irritation to severe, debilitating suffering and even death in extreme cases.

The beatle virus, aka: fabfouridae continues to be spread through the media via relentless bombardment. It follows the same basic method as advertising – manipulate the public by overwhelming it with so much senseless information that it deadens their senses and softens their minds. When this happens, you are easily bent over, and messages are rammed up your wazzoo.

Imagine if they played the same Mr. Clean commercials for forty years, never altering the jingle. What if Mr. Clean made the evening news twice a week, had articles written about him nearly everyday in newspapers around the world, made the covers of every music magazine approximately once a year, was played on the radio every hour, had documentaries and books written about him every month proclaiming how great and revolutionary he was and how relevant he remains today. Mr. Clean would be the man! He would be untouchable, especially when it came to being something you rub on the bathroom floor to remove urine stains and foul odors. In this light, we have to admit the beatles are the untouchable urine stains of music. Read the rest of this entry »

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Reason #817 – New White Shoe

The beatles and Nike, together again for the first time.

There’s so much wrong with this commercial, it’s pointless to even discuss.

*warning – don’t watch*
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Reason # 668 – Buy a Beatle Album for Christ

Following the plummeting sales of FF albums in the United States, Beatlemart has decided to search for revenue in one of its biggest untapped markets, the Christians. Obviously there are a few existing Christian beatle fans already, but real god fearing Christians would just as soon allow a lesbian priest to perform an abortion.

You’ve probably seen the headlines screaming across the globe like Ono looking for her glove in the snow, The Beatles: A Christian Band?, The Ballad of John and Jesus. Its an inspired new campaign thats taking the world by storm. The sudden backpedaling claim that not only was John Lennon not Jesus, he was actually his biggest fan!

Believe it or not, the ploy is working. This story has already graced Christianity Today and Belief.net. The next step is to justify the beatles and Lennon in the eyes of the lord. Imagine there’s no Heaven? Bigger than Jesus? Compared with the scandals the church has been whitewashing for the past fifty years, let alone historically, the FF were a couple of choirboys. Hell, if the church could convince Catholic priests to remain celibate for their entire lives for the sole reason of avoiding offspring who might make claims on its property, selling the beatles to a bunch of kids already warped and scarred by Christian Rock will be a piece of cake.

It won’t be long before sermons begin incorporating beatleitudes and the Gospel according to John: Part deux, in the same way that U2charist has beatified Bono and the lads…which brings to mind a joke:

A musician dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and leads him towards the sound of some incredible music off in the distance. They soon reach the source and discover Jimi Hendrix jamming with Miles Davis. Keith Moon is on drums. Jaco Pastorius on bass, Art Tatum on keys. Amazed, the man looks around and sees famous musicians everywhere. All of his musical idols are there.
‘Is that Charlie Patton?’ He asks.
‘Yes, of course it is.’ Replies St. Peter.
Alone in a corner he spots another unmistakable figure.
‘Is that…Bono over there? I didn’t even know he was dead!’
St. Peter sighed.
‘Thats not Bono, its God. He thinks he’s Bono.”

You might be wondering what exactly is in it for the Christians. We’ll leave the theological issues for somebody else to deal with and simply sum it up with:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

To end this properly, here’s an illustrated reenactment originally found in a passage from the gospel according to Ringo 20:1-6, the Ballad of John and Jesus:

The Ballad of John and Jesus (.pdf, 222kb) To Save Right Click and ‘Save As’

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Reason # 561 – The Beatles, Hanging Tough

You say you want a boy band revolution?

The FF are usually thought of as one of the defining bands in rock. A pioneering group which broke boundaries, bent the rules, and changed the face of popular music to become the greatest band in history. This is true in a sense; they were the first boy band. This honor is usually bestowed on the Monkees, but the truth is the Monkees weren’t the first, only the most blatant.

Take a look at some of the characteristics of a boy band.
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100 Reasons Why The Beatles Suck

We received this fantastic list in the mail and decided it deserves to be shared.

The sender has no clue where it originated, if you have any idea please drop us a line.

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Fan Mail #3 – Help! There’s a Beatle in the closet!

According to popular opinion, anybody who doesn’t like the beatles is a homosexual who lives in his mothers basement. This seems to be the consensus amongst beatarded fans, so if you don’t think the FF walked on water you’d better run out and grab a tube of Astroglide and a Judy Garland album.

Its strange when you’re suddenly forced to realize that your sexual orientation is hinged upon a bunch of Fab sissies singing silly love songs. Who knew?

These homophobic messages usually take two forms:

The hit and run:

Subject: Hey!
You’re all gay!

and who can forget the angry diatribe:

Subject: I have something to tell you homos!!!
You fucking assholes deserve to suffocate on each others shit. You deserve to die moer than that fat lard ass Mark David Chapman. Why dont you faggots do something useful with your time, like suck each other off, instead of trying to make your own pathetic lives seem better by putting down well-respected and very talented individuals.

Honestly, suffocating on it is still preferable to listening to it.
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Reason #307 – Three Days In the Life of Lame

Breaking News!

Following a much maligned documentary drought lasting nearly fifteen minutes, beatlemart is finally back to work!
To make up for their lack of productivity they’ve stunned the world by pumping out not one, but TWO brilliant new works of art to deify the crumbling remains of what once was a mighty and insurmountable gravy train. Whoops sorry, make that rock band.

The first incredibly important waste of celluloid is entitled, All Together Now. It chronicles one of the greatest casualties of modern theatre; LOVE, aka: Cirque du So Lame. Finally we’ll have a chance to see behind the scenes of this glorious production! Candid, never before cared about interviews and clips of McCartney, Ringo and Yoko Ono hard at work.

We imagine it looks something like this:

*Warning – Spoilers!*
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Fan Mail #4 – A word from an above average beatle fan

Occasionally, sandwiched between gripping messages like this:

Subject: Dick

get cancer

We’ll receive an inspired message that humbles even the most cynical seekers of sanity, causing us to question if this noble crusade is even worth fighting. Not very often mind you, in fact it’s more rare than a good song on Revolver. This is one of those rare gems, it brilliantly chisels away any arguments and leaves you scratching your head in amazement. Myspace is great.

Subject: forget you !!!!!!!

In the name of God, ALLAH, the Father the Son and the Holy
Spirit , I condemn your site as anti Christian. You are just jealous
that Jesus lives. If I lived next door to you youd be pissed off even
more. And furthermore may the USA beat Canada at Hockey in every
olympics in the future. And at the best most manly and exciting sports
in the world :………curling.

I just dont see why you dont like the Beatles. I like Second City
Television, Wayne Gretzky, The Canadian National Anthem, all Canadians
and the whole Blessed Great White North. And so since it is Christian
to forgive and be nice I cant be mad at you. You have a right. But if
the Beatles were naturally like YOU and YOU were like Them you would
think it was cool. Just like if you born like Chuck Berry or like Kiss
or something.

ANyway , I found you on a friend of mine Fuck Shit Piss from Las
Vegas Nevadas Comment site and was so intrigued by this I just wanted
to write.

ANd tell you …….and tell you……..awww…..I cant even
remember now……something about…. the Butthole Surfers or
something. Dont ear Yellow Snow My COmrade.

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Reason #930 – I Heal Fine

By the height of beatlemania many fans had completely lost their minds. A combination of bad music played at mind-numbing volumes, media manipulation, and complete global saturation resulted in a state of what could only be called ‘forced retardation.’

The average beatle fan suffered not only a loss of intelligence, but a loss of reality. Beatle blind pilgrims searched desperately for secret messages and salvation on album covers and cereal boxes. A few even went so far as to try finding meaning in their music. Delirium raged and the moptops were suddenly elevated to the status of prophets and snake handlers.

Fans began bringing disabled children to their concerts, convinced that with a word or a gesture the four wise men from Liverpool would heal them. It didn’t end there, mentally and physically handicapped people of all ages were wheeled backstage for a shot at salvation. Thalomide kids with deformed and missing limbs, the blind, people with crutches, canes, wheelchairs, and oxygen tents. Understandably, the only people who didn’t want to be healed by the beatles were the deaf.

These poor misguided people, or spastics as Lennon commonly referred to them, may have pinned their hopes of salvation on the wrong lads.

Ringo: “people would bring in these terrible cases and leave them in our dressing room. They’d go off for tea or whatever, and they would leave them behind. If it got very heavy we would shout, “Mal, cripples!” and that became a saying, even when there were no handicapped people present. If there were any people around we didn’t like, we’d should, “Mal, cripples!” and they’d be escorted out.”

George: “John was allergic to cripples. You could see he had a thing about them; I think it was a fear or something. …We’d come out of the band room to go to the stage and we’d be fighting our way through all these poor unfortunate people.”

John: “When we would open up, every night, instead of seeing kids there, we would see a row full of cripples along the front. When we’d be running through, people would be lying around. It seemed that we were just surrounded by cripples and blind people all the time, and when we would go through corridors they would all be touching us … They’d line them up, and I got the impression The Beatles were being treated as bloody faith healers …”

-source: The Beatles Anthology, pages 142-143

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Reason #781 – A Pictoral History of The Beatles (part one)

A picture is worth a thousand words, here’s a few candid shots of the FF throughout the years. Click on the thumbnails for the full sized image.

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Reason # 141 – The Beatles Sucked, claims another former Beatle

Hot on the heels of our Liverpool Ache and other turd related exposés, Ringo Starr has finally relented his stance.

Stepping down from his throne on Mount OhLoveUs in order to grant the mortals of Ireland Online an interview, for the first time he delivered a testament of truth. Basking in the awe of his godlike status, fans of this formidable skin tapper were moved to tears of joy as he entered the hallowed halls of…well, thats not important. It’s rumored that a reporter in attendance accidentally touched his cloak, and began singing in tongues before scribbling words of wisdom in his gilded Sgt Pepper’s notebook.
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Reason # 7005 – Flabby Soul

Occasionally you’ll hear the fab-blind discuss how soulful various songs and albums were.

Usually we just laugh to ourselves when we hear the word beatle and the word soulful in the same sentence, unless the sentence is, ‘The beatle were soulful of crap it was coming out of their mouths!’ We decided to find out exactly what sounds people are mistaking for soul. We came up empty handed.

Our first stop was Fab4Fan’s infamous Rankopedia to see what the consensus is for the most soulful beatles songs. Incredibly, there is no such category. The closest we found was ‘which beatle fan has the brownest nose and emptiest wallet.’ So a few weeks ago we created our own poll, Most Soulful Beatle Songs. Ten thousand opinionated members, and we only got two votes, not a good sign. Searches elsewhere turned up little more than slanted reviews with the word soulful getting battered like a piece of tempura. We’re left to our own devices to get to the bottom of this one.

The problem now becomes, how do you judge soul? Just to clarify, we’re talking about soulful music as opposed to soul music. There doesn’t seem to be any working soul-o-meters these days, they all disappeared with STAX. Lets define it first, and work from there. We can all agree that a fair definition of soulful music is music that is passionately sung and performed, full of both feeling and expression.

Now we need to identify a fair starting point, a point of reference to level the playing field. You can’t just listen to an FF song and decide, ‘yup – thats pretty soulful, way more than Yellow Submarine.’ The only way to do this fairly is to compare two performances of the same song, then we can begin to gauge who’s got the soul going on.

Lets get to it.
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Reason #267 – The Beatle Ford Clinic

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

If you’ve ever searched for an excuse to drink on a Monday, today is for you.
Tip back a few yards of your favorite poison and don’t forget to drink to your pals at SMB.

Just be sure to avoid any noxious concoctions like the Brandy Alexander (Brandy and Milk?!?) which Lennon loved so dearly, or you may wind up in the Beatle Ford Clinic. This is a fate far worse than death, which the following video proves conclusively.

(warning – don’t watch)

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Reason #517 – You Say Good Buy, I Say Hell No.

This is a clever tactic, a new form of some sort of Gonzo Advertising. Target has not only advertised a product, but simultaneously created a demand for it.
By the end of this thirty second spot you will definitely need to run out for a fresh supply of toilet paper. Talk about squeezing out a winner, they’re shitting gravy!

This is marketing at its finest.
(warning – don’t watch)

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Reason #357 – The Beatles will Rot Your Teeth

Everyone has experienced this familiar scenario:

You see an ad for food that looks so great that next time you go out you make it a point to pick up some of that delicious looking delicacy. When you sit down to feast, you discover it only vaguely resembles what you saw in the photo or the commercial, and it tastes like the ass end of a mule on laxatives.
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Fan Mail #2- Propaganda in Action

Welcome to Part 2 of our Fan Mail Series.

In contrast to the previous fan mail, this is the other extreme. The type two are the folks who don’t want us to ‘go be died from kansur,‘ they want us to see the light, and rejoice in the beauty and wonder of the beatles. Do you know what happens if you light a match in a pit full of manure?

What follows is an excellent example of some very basic propaganda methods which are commonly used to bolster and validate the FF’s reputation and convince the unaware that the beatles were not only the greatest band in history, but demi-gods.

This message primarily uses the techniques of Faulty Logic, Diversion, Repetition and Falsehoods. All of these arguments are completely irrelevant, but we’ll try and go through and point what is going on behind some of these statements. We’ve tried to cover up to the Bob Kulick section, where the formula of spitting out names and distorted facts becomes blatantly obvious. Honestly, we still haven’t made it to the end of this message. If anybody wants to take a crack at some of these facts we’ll update and credit accordingly.

This poor, misguided individual actually seems to believe this drivel. At least they’ve put a lot of time and effort into compiling this message. Unfortunately for her, it may be too late to extinguish that match.
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Reason #2008 – The Grammy Awards

If you haven’t heard about the big upset at the Grammy Awards this week, the beatles won four awards for best…um…the best at being former beatles? Some say the judges have to give out a few every year or else face a firing squad made up of disgruntled billionaire stockholders, and to back this theory up they cite Ringo’s nine awards.
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Reason #1938.2 – Across the Universe *Update*

People laughed, people scoffed, but a mere two months after we announced our plans for sending beatle fans into space on the Across the Universe Tour, NASA beat us to the quick by launching phase one for themselves. Hats off, drinks are on us!

Link to the official NASA Story

Their Beatlefication of the universe project is admittedly slightly more advanced than our original idea. They’ve assured a clear passage for the trip by blasting the dreaded FF ditty at the speed of 186,000 miles per second at the star Polaris. As you undoubtedly know, hearing this song at a mere 33 1/3 RPM is enough to send the typical human into convulsions, at this speed the moptop missile will destroy anything in its path. At least anything with a decent ear or sense of taste, leaving the musically challenged beatlehead to tiptoe through the nebulae unfettered. We have only one criticism of their actions, why didn’t they shoot one of the former beatles into space instead?

A Ghastly side-effect, aside from the request that earthlings all play the song in sympathy with the launch, is the ever-quickening disintegration of the already fragile minds of these poor braindead fools standing in line to go on the trip.

A direct quote from the comments page on NASA’s official site:

How befitting that the music of humanity is sung amongst the music of the spheres; how the sound of a generation past shall rest with generations future; of four young lads from Liverpool, amongst the skiffle and the rock n roll, elevated to the galactic neigbourhood and beyond. RIP John & George Amen Om. Well done NASA. Beatlemania at Polaris in 143 years?

Gee, how thoughtful. How eloquent. Kind of makes you wish for instant global annihilation, don’t it?

Reason # 1938 – Across the Universe Tour

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Reason # 512 – Who’ll stop the Rain? A Banana?

While watching the news last night they broke to a commercial. While this isn’t necessarily out of the ordinary, what they were ‘commerting’ was not only equally as horrifying as the news, but far more disturbing. Sandwiched in between death in the Congo and the weather they showed four bloated old corpses in MopTop wigs dressed like they were going to a dork fetish party. They were playing early beatles songs, on early beatle instruments. They even had a drummer with a gigantic honker! The truly unnerving part was when they panned out to the audience watching these wierdos, everyone was clapping….and the place was full! Hopefully they just cut in some stock footage of an audience from a dog show or something less nauseating.

Finally, towards the end of this endless 30 seconds of hell its revealed that RAIN, this make-believe moptop band, is scheduled to play for SEVEN DAYS! IN A ROW! Tickets are $30-70 each and the venue has a seating capacity (who could stand for that garbage) of 3223. A conservative estimate with everybody buying cheap seats gives us $96,690 a night if they sell out the joint, at the end of the week $696,830. Thats a lot of nostalgia. Thats a lot of baby-boomers and beatleheads. Thats a lot of money! (On a completely unrelated note 1 kilo of mustard gas costs $4.15.)

Just when you think the average beatle fan couldn’t get anymore gullible, they start paying to watch pretend time with their imaginary friends. After the show instead of hailing a cab home, most of them will ride Snuffalufagus to their mystical enchanted gardens beneath the sea.

Here is a video clip of RAIN – The beatles Experience (warning: don’t watch)

After this came an interview with Jerry Levitan. If you don’t know who this is, you will soon. When this beatle obsessed tongue wagger was 14 years old he managed to tape record an interview with John Lennon. He sat on this tape for over thirty years, got somebody to animate around the audio, and released it as a documentary named I Met The Walrus which is now short-listed for an Oscar.

“I am stunned,” said Levitan of the nomination. Really? Stunned!?! This is the blueprint for instant commercial and critical success, proven countless times over the past thirty years. The formula is as follows.

“One or more Beatles?” -Check!
“Unreleased footage, story or recording?” -Check!
“Slap it together, we’re all gonna be rich.” -Check!

Don’t be afraid to test this, try peeling a potato into the shape of a former beatle and put it on youtube, in a matter of hours you’ll be famous! In fact, lets take this one step further with The John Lennon Angry Banana Baby Interview and see what happens:

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Fan mail #1 – A word from the average beatle fan

Welcome to our newest feature, Fan mail aka: If everybody hates you, you must be doing something right.

We’ve had plenty of requests to share some of the messages received from our more eloquent detractors. After wading through hundreds of emails consisting of variations on the theme, ‘You’se guys are stupids! LOL! How come you not die?ROTLFLMA!‘ We’ve selected a few masterpieces to give you an idea of what the average beatle fan thinks, where they’re coming from, and their opinion of our work. A glimpse into the mind of what we’re up against.

Without further ado, here’s the first letter from our series. This one came to us through our Myspace account. In this young mans defense, he did come around and see a glimmer of light at the end of the FF dungeon.

*Please note: spelling, grammar, and punctuation have been left in their original form. If anyone cares to submit an English translation please get in touch with us via the contact page -Das*

Subject: man you must have a good life

your so fucked up you must cut down the greatist progreshion in music since cave men beat on crap to make drum beats john lennon said that they where beter known than the god not beatler than god and they where more people at that time knew of the beatles than of god so that argument is bull shit the beatles are funier than you tough stop bitching about it george harrison divoted his life to music and did a lot for the world and your a jackass for malesting the cover to let it be. paule micartney is well within the ranks of the best modern conposers dont believe me listine to wings live and let die very carfully then reconsider you opinion. john lennon did more for the anti vietnam movent then other single artist wich probably does not concern you because from the sound of it you are one of thous nazis who like to send americas youth off forcefully tword iminate death because of net picky political crap. mind you he was protesting will the president himself was looking four an excuse to have him deported because he was afraid that john whould potentialy threten the publices opinion on his personal war excuse me i cant call it a war, police action and yes john hade a drug problem but to conplety disrespect one of the world finest musicians because of your bias bullshit especialy sence lennon managed to break his harowin adiction [if you could have enouf self controll to break a harowin adiction i will eat my keyboard] and tell his son he was a smelly hippie you fucking asshole i am two pissed to take the time to talk about ringo right know but if you have a problem with the beatle kicking you ass at life send me a message of all you conplants and i will adress them personaly untill then dont be a your an asshole

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