Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

Beatle Thumbs up overtakes Vatican bums up

In a dramatic move designed to distract the general public from focusing on it’s various indiscretions, the folks at the Vatican have decided to turn the table and bend over themselves, for beatlemart.

Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the FF in one of it’s weekend editions, with two articles and a front-page cartoon reproducing the crosswalk immortalized on the cover of the band’s album Abbey Road.

“They took drugs, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives,” said the paper. “They even said they were more famous than Jesus.”

“But listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless.

I think we can all agree with the Vatican that beatle songs seem distant and meaningless.

The strange thing here is not only the motivation behind this act, but also the speed at which the Vatican has forgiven the moptops for their deplorable behavior. Galileo was branded a heretic and sentenced to life imprisonment. His fiendish crimes included inventing the telescope and claiming the earth revolved around the sun. It took more than 400 years for the Catholic church to forgive him, and it’s unsure if they ever accepted his ‘Earth Is Round’ theory.

It may just be that the Vatican has embarked upon a pop culture crusade, using the beatles as a fiendish new instrument of torture. If so, I believe it’s safe to long for the good ole days of the Pear of Anguish, a far more humane way to be persecuted.

The horrifying truth is that not even the Vatican was prepared for the consequences which followed the sanctification of beatlemart and their mighty suckubus.

The beatles were officially forgiven on the weekend of April 10th, 2010. Hours later, the sleeping giant Eyjafjallajökull erupted, spewing molten rock, a towering wall of ash, dust and steam into the air, decimating economic, political and cultural activities in Europe and across the world.

This rare photograph of Eyjafjallajökull was buried by the Vatican.


A few days later, the Deepwater Horizon exploded, resulting in the largest marine oil spill in history.

Once again, the Vatican refused to allow this photo to be published.

BP beatle oil spill

What can be done to stop beatlemart from stealing your soul, destroying the air in your lungs and the soil beneath your feet, or even worse: re-releasing Let it Be again, is unknown. Please stay tuned for updates and we’ll do our best to advise you how to survive beatlegeddon.

For more information see:

Buy a beatle Album for Christ
I Heal Fine
John Lennon’s Tits
Please Displease Me

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11 thoughts on “Vatican forgives the beatles and Destroy the World

  1. G Buss

    Just as the summer is a settin in the great muddlewest, Xas (running out of sub letters here Chief…) comes up with this, a direct affront, attack and malingering slur on the only ban.. church that matters. Drawing these conclusions, as you do sir about the Infallible One’s timing in promoting the only marke band that matters and mattered and will ever matter so there is indick! a tive of your godless socialist ways and therefore, a Pear of Anguish might be the proper reward for you. or two. etc. Glenn Beck loves the FF. Rush..Sarah..Grampa McGramps..the entire Bush clan (who btw are now living on a water reserve in Paraguay, I am not kidding), all of them..yeah yeah yeah..

  2. Das Post author

    I apologize if I’ve offended your delicate sensibilities, JC. Didn’t those aforementioned politicos use an extra watered down FF atrocity on the last cam-pain?

    Paraguay? Let’s send some Kool Aid.

  3. Anonymous

    If The Beatles never existed, music would have keeled over and died. They might be obsolete, but I WANT TO SEE YOU SELL THE MOST RECORDS IN AMERICA FOR OVER 30 YEARS IN A ROW PUNK!!!

  4. Danny

    Every couple of years I read an article about how the Vatican re-forgives John Lennon for his immense arrogance and blasphemy. Considering this is the same organization that announced Homer Simpson is catholic, I chalk up these announcements to a desperate attempt at appearing culturally relevant in a time where Vatican awareness rarely extends beyond pedophile jokes. It’s a shame that they spend their time on pointless causes like posthumous forgiveness of one of the greatest hypocrites of the 20th century.

  5. Michael Kirkby

    I got news for y’all; all of the above people that G. Bus mentions are all Luciferians who want to play tympanicus on your naked corpus delicti while the Pope pontificates over your suffering and your blind wretchedness. Pray for enlightenment you supplicant of darkness…lol

  6. DogShit

    “If The Beatles never existed, music would have keeled over and died. They might be obsolete, but I WANT TO SEE YOU SELL THE MOST RECORDS IN AMERICA FOR OVER 30 YEARS IN A ROW PUNK!!!”

    The beatles didn’t sell them, the media sold them to people that are hooked on drugs, and cannot tell time, much less the era they ar in!

    And Michael Kirkby, you sound like the nest Jason Loughner.

  7. SNOBO

    In that very same interview session with Cleave, McCartney is quoted saying the U.S. is “a lousy country where anyone who is black is made to seem a dirty nigger.” I suppose he was kind of right, considering these interviews preceded the civil rights act. It’s odd though that Paul’s quote generated zero outrage considering how much wealth and fame the Beatles got out of the U.S. Besides, if young Paul’s telling me there’s no racism in the U.K., he should pull the other one or sell beachfront property in Kansas or something.

  8. nobody

    The Beatles are a success. Their fans made it that way. The only way you can destroy the Beatles now is by killing their fans, but you don’t know where they are.