This is part one of an ongoing self-help series.
Warning signs
by Dr. Lance Saugen
It’s an ugly word. Beatleitis. Nobody wants to talk about it, yet every year more and more people are destroyed by this horrible affliction. Nobody is too young or too old to be safe from its menace. If left untreated it can be fatal, or if you look at the image below, even worse:
Rest assured that with a little determination and will-power you can be cured! Many others have, and so can you. This is a problem that will not go away if you ignore it, it will continue to grow and fester, slowly taking over your body, your soul, your mind, and lastly what’s left of your wallet.
The first step to defeating this crippling disease is to identify it and admit that you have a problem. I know this isn’t easy, but you’re going to have to face this now before it gets completely out of hand. To help you figure out if you do have a problem I’ve prepared 12 questions. The answers are nobody’s business but your own. If you can answer yes to any one of these, maybe it’s time you took a serious look at what Beatleitis is doing to you.
These particular questions are geared towards youth, as our most outspoken and violent offenders are under the legal voting age. In fact, they’re usually under the legal driving age and fresh out of diapers. Don’t let this deter you, these questions apply to everyone. If you’re reading this, you know you’ve come to the right place. It’s never too late to stop!
1. Do you listen to the beatles because you have problems? To relax?
2. Do you listen to the beatles to torture and punish other people, yourself, friends or parents?
3. Do you have a large collection of beatles books, magazines and/or biographies?
4. Have your grades or job performance started to slip because you can’t get Octopus’s Garden out of your head?
5. Have you ever tried to stop buying beatle albums – and failed? Do you own Let it Be…Naked? Love?
6. Have you begun to listen to the beatles in the morning, before school or work – on purpose?
7. Do you force your opinion of the beatles on others? Does your mind close if somebody doesn’t agree with you?
8. Do you ever have noticed a loss of IQ, memory, or relevant things to talk about after listening to the beatles?
9. Do you lie about how much money you spend on the beatles?
10. Do you know an incredible amount of useless trivia about the beatles?
11. Have you ever written an angry message to a stranger on the internet because of the beatles?
12. Do you think it’s cool to listen to the beatles? Do you listen because of peer pressure?
If you answered yes to any one of these questions, you have a problem. If you answered yes to question five or own a Wings album I’m sorry to say it might already be too late. Only you can put an end to this madness, but take heart in knowing you’re not alone. I’m here to help in anyway I can. Feel free to write to me, Dr Lance Saugen, anytime, day or night for immediate assistance, strength, guidance, advice, or just to talk.
I guess this website is kind of Trenchcoat Mafia Lite, eh? A gang of losers who hate most everything and find solace in finding common ground to commiserate. Then again, maybe it’s sarcasm or satire or something, just done so poorly that I’m tired of looking for the humor.
Stay away from explosives, please.
I know who you are Lance is a gay name. Your band sucks and the day you kicked me out is the day it started sucking. When I learn how to play the bass, Dr. Lance and I will death metal your ass off, botch.
Dr. Lance, can I tickle your pee-pee?
No, you homo.
Anyone want to be my special intern?
YOU MORON! Dang it, I’m going to stick my foot so far up my own arse that I’ll pick my nose with my big toe.
See, now this is part of why I hate everyone and everything. LOSERS! And before some wise guy asks, let me state once and for all the MY PRIEST DID NOT TOUCH MY PEE PEE.
Why am I not surprised that I’ve never heard of any of you except George W. and Tom Cruise, who, like you others on this site, are wankers.
OK, I’ll admit that I drank juice out of an enema bag.
Hello,
The Real Das here,
Pretty funny, want a job?
We need more pee pee jokes.
-Das
‘The Real Deal’
BEATLES ARE AWESOME YAY!!!!!!